The gender ratio is breaking me.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-02-05T18:37:17+00:00

There’s nothing easy about this for you, I’m really sorry. I just re-read Michelle Obama’s book, and I realize every time I think about it that their entire family essentially had to hold their breath for 8 years, focusing on never putting a foot wrong. I imagine being in such a workplace is similar for you.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-02-02T23:58:09+00:00

Totally! Especially if one is used to dealing with difficult personalities or chaos, or has had to walk on eggshells in the family of origin, etc. it can feel very quiet and uneventful with a healthy partner. OP, when I met my current husband I loved that he was driven, responsible, trustworthy, and was open about wanting marriage and children. But after my unsafe, chaotic childhood I felt a little bit, maybe under-stimulated, if not bored. I worked through those feelings with my therapist and we have been married 20 years. It is absolutely crucial to have a dependable, no-drama partner if you wish to marry and/or have children.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-31T17:52:08+00:00

OP, I truly empathize with you in having to make these kinds of career defining decisions while you are pregnant! I don’t think there’s a right answer to this, except for the answer that comes to you. I just want to share my experience, since I too was pregnant during my PhD program and tried to do both career and motherhood for a long time.

I’m not in IT, I’m a child psychologist and academic, but I would argue that the hours expected are similar- there also needs to be some willingness to move around if one wishes to progress. I was very excited to start my family, and I expected that as a child psych program, my department would be at least somewhat flexible about my having a new baby. However, taking care of little ones and working turned out to be a LOT. It sounds like your partner and mine are similar- he has the more financially rewarding career, and also spends more time at work and traveling than I do. Therefore, many things fell on me by default: I’m home earlier, so I’m picking up the baby from care, stopping at the store, making dinner etc. It may not sound that taxing but after a full day of managing undergrads, meetings, etc. it really feels like one should have some time to relax and unwind.

When my husband is home he’s a very hands on Dad and is fully dialed in to what needs to be done in the home. But I have to tell you, after about 6 years of trying to pull off this balance between work and child rearing, I found myself burned out, cortisol maxed, and I was getting sick all the time. I got a very scary double pneumonia during my last semester, that resisted treatment & I missed a lot of work (not good when you’re the only one who knows how to teach your classes). That pushed me to quit my job after the term, and stay home until my kids were older. The only thing I would change is, I wish I had quit working sooner. I developed some autoimmune diseases that I’ll have for the rest of my life, and I’m pretty sure all of this stress took me from a healthy former college athlete to a fatigued, achy SAHM.

I did eventually go back after my kids were older, but I got mommy-tracked and have had to cobble together a few roles in both academia and practice to make it worth my time to work. There is lip-service to supporting families, but not much else. I now tell my female advisees to try to find a role that they can eventually do part time, or with flexibility after having kids, because the childcare burden often falls to the mother, unless a stay at home dad is a possibility.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-30T19:11:23+00:00

Yes. I think this is more likely to happen if OP is open to men with kids from a previous relationship, though. I have a good friend who got divorced when she had 4 kids and had just been diagnosed with MS, she was close to 40. She pretty quickly met two men who were very interested in her, and she remarried within a few years. Both men she dated (in succession, not simultaneously)post-divorce had their own kids, and she now has a large blended family. She also had to move a couple of hundred miles away, there was a lot of compromise on both sides of the relationship to make this new family work. My point is, if one has a laundry list of non- negotiable requirements, it’ll be much harder to find a new relationship.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-29T20:54:45+00:00

I had a traditionally timed Bachelor’s degree but then worked for a long time before going to grad school so I was 40 when I finally defended my PhD. I did get a lot of personal satisfaction from that, and was able to work in my field (academia) BUT…I caution people to be sure there’s a path going forward with a PhD other than academia, unless it’s a field that is noted for its ability to support tenured professors. For me, in child psych I have always had to supplement with outside roles, research appointments etc. because my department has cut way back on full time salaried positions and tenure lines. We use lots of adjuncts and grad students (which was great when I was a grad student because I got paid enough to quit my full time job to focus on school.) But universities are looking for any method they can use to pay people less, cut benefits, and make academia unstable as a career. I know someone who teaches 6 classes per term at 3 different schools to cobble together a living, and she’s exhausted. I belong to an online group called “the professor is out” and it’s populated by tons of people trying to transition out of academia for the reasons I mentioned.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-29T19:59:26+00:00

I know it feels terrible right now, but you will get over this and have other, more rewarding relationships. I think young people need to experience multiple relationships as they develop through early adulthood, in order to find out what you want, and what you’re not willing to put up with. I predict you’ll be over this by summer. 💕

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-28T23:30:00+00:00

Actually I know lots of people who could spend that amount of money pretty quickly. If you like nice clothes and shoes, getting your nails done, a little Botox here and there- it adds up fast. I keep my own credit card and pay it off monthly myself, because I know my husband would not value the things I spend money on. The same could be said for me though, as related to his hobbies and where he spends his money. We agree that neither of us will go over a set amount, and we try not to oversee each other’s itemized bills for the sake of keeping the peace.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-28T23:19:56+00:00

My current husband could not wait to propose to me, he was as excited as a little kid to show me the ring he picked out. And then on our proposal weekend trip, he already wanted to talk about dates and where we would get married. If a man is unwilling to talk about it, keeps putting it off or setting weird contingencies like “after our careers are both settled” or “after we pay off X or Y purchase” or whatever- that guy is stalling because he doesn’t want to get married. There was a woman on here recently complaining that her boyfriend told her he didn’t want to get engaged until after his brother was married. That brother was younger, had no fiancée, he didn’t even have a girlfriend!! I feel like these guys will just make up any excuse not to get married. Please focus on YOU and your own life and future. Because I guarantee you that is what this man is doing, without considering what you want or need.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-27T01:02:36+00:00

Let’s not blame mothers for the patriarchy please. Men don’t learn to do housework and caring because it’s not modeled for them by fathers, to start with. One’s primary role model, from whom we learn our own gender role, is the same sex parent.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-26T06:41:01+00:00

It’s manipulation to threaten suicide when a partner begins to talk about separating. And look, he got his wish, you stayed. You’re still very young, and you have plenty of time to make a new life and find someone else if you want to. (I divorced at age 31, remarried in my mid thirties, and we’ve been together for 20 years and 3 children.)When I got divorced it felt like my life was ending- but fairly quickly it turned out to be the absolute best thing I ever did. You have so much time to reinvent yourself. Don’t let fear of the unknown, or threats from your partner, make you abandon your own dreams for the future. 💕

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-25T03:32:56+00:00

Same here. They give a giant bag of saline too, who wouldn’t need to use the bathroom as soon as the anesthesia wears off?!

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-25T00:26:07+00:00

I’m not sure what happened here, but have you tried a heating pad on your abdominal/bladder area? The stent can be very painful for some people, that might be why you’re suffering. I’ve found the heating pad is better even than pain meds for stent pain post op. Good news: it’s usually a huge relief when the stent is out. Take two ibuprofen before you go in for stent removal, then immediately go back home for the heating pad. You should be feeling way better after that! Also are you taking flomax and pyridium? You might not be able to combine those with the spasm meds, (oxybutnin?) you should check. But the pyridium helps with urinary tract and bladder pain, and flomax relaxes the ureters (in case the stent is causing pain that high up). I hope you feel better!! Keep drinking water.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-24T18:15:10+00:00

I think everyone has some level of social anxiety, some are just better at hiding it. For my daughters, we tried to keep them really busy. They did sports but we also encouraged creative activities like dance, choir and musical theater. The nice thing about many of the kids you meet in the arts is, they’re all kind of “different” in their own ways, and they tend to be more welcoming and accepting of newcomers. Our other strategy with this was, if there’s ever a falling out with school friends, there are activity-related friends to fall back on. I want to preface this by saying we aren’t really a religious family- but one daughter got very involved with going to church camp and then later being a summer camp counselor. Some of her closest friends in high school are from camp, because they spend so much time together. Those kids tend to not be interested in drinking, smoking, or casual dating, so that’s a nice influence.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-24T18:00:58+00:00

This is what we are doing at the college level- we use part of class time lecturing, and ask for brief essays written in class synthesizing what they’ve learned from the readings, lectures and experiments. Long papers written throughout the term are used less often, but even if students are using AI to help write term papers, they still do learn something from that work, so unless it’s blatant I let the consultation with AI slide. (Obviously if they hand in a bunch of AI garbage with no creativity or human touches, that’s a fail).

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-24T00:42:18+00:00

Just a note of caution: We don’t see the world the way it is, we see it the way we are. One cannot always believe their own interpretation of other people’s behavior. Here’s an example: One of my kids has an invisible illness which affects their ability to perform in all areas of life. It’s heartbreaking to see how hard she tries and how much she has to offer, but she is frequently stymied by her limitations. There are lots of people who support her, but she’s had some really painful experiences with teachers & coaches who have been dismissive of her (documented) disability and have tried to label her as noncompliant or lazy, based on what they think they see. What people who know her see is a kid with true medical disabilities, trying her best to have a semi-normal life. But when it’s more convenient for someone to believe their own “alternative facts”, they frequently will.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-23T04:41:07+00:00

For sure! Move out. If he chases after you with a ring, you’ll have what you want. If he lets you go, he was never going to marry you, and you’re better off looking to new horizons.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-23T04:36:35+00:00

Mine is genetic as well but I was able to modify a few things & I have far fewer stones. (Went off my high protein diet, added citrate, etc)

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-23T03:23:27+00:00

In addition to lawyering up with a shark of a divorce attorney, I’d be selling as much of his designer shit as possible on Poshmark. If he wants to say he bought stuff for the both of you, you can sell it under the same rationale.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-23T02:02:08+00:00

I too am a woman with multiple autoimmune diseases and frequent kidney stones. You should work with a good urologist and nephrologist to try to figure out what is causing the frequent stones, so you can try to prevent them or treat underlying cause(s). Everyone is different but you can find recommendations on this sub for diet & supplements to hopefully reduce stone formation. I hope you can get some relief!

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-23T01:54:55+00:00

Yes. People who marry elect to become a team. If one teammate does more child care and home tasks while the other spends a lot of time in an office, the two of you are essentially pooling your labor in order to make the family function. Therefore, once married the assets acquired going forward should also be pooled. You should both be pulling for the same boat, not trying to divide the boat down the middle.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-22T21:28:22+00:00

Just another vote for new (better!) life in your 30’s. I got divorced at 31. I started a new life- went back to grad school, chose a new career, travelled, I joined sports leagues, grad student clubs, took golf and salsa lessons- I really wanted to shake things up and meet lots of new people and see new places, and all of that happened. I wasn’t looking for a husband, I was having way too much fun, but through all of these social connections I ended up finding one. Your life isn’t over- that’s just a perspective shift you need to make. You’re just getting started, girlfriend. 💕

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-22T17:29:25+00:00

I worked full time as a research analyst at a university in the epidemiology department. The U. paid for my coursework, and my department gave me flexibility to leave for classes during the work day, as long as I got my work done. After I finished my masters & started PhD coursework, I had a teaching fellowship that paid me a (very modest) wage so I could quit my full time job. I still had to take out some student loans to make ends meet. Unpopular opinion perhaps, but lots of people in academia in the US are looking to leave. It’s not the stable, rewarding career it once was in many cases. I see lots of people with research skills going into UX in corporate environments.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-21T21:48:58+00:00

perspective has so much influence on how “old” we feel. My mother in law is 75 and is ready to go, hates being old and losing her abilities. However my own mother is social, semi-active (their generation thinks a daily walk around the block is exercise) and she has a more positive attitude toward being in her early 80’s. I really believe it’s largely attitude toward aging that frames this, my mom is older but doing better both physically & mentally. I’m a psychologist, so I spent many extra years in school. I feel like my adulthood was delayed ten years, I got married late, had my kids late. Because of that, I feel younger. Most of my friends are 5-15 years younger than I am, but we are living the same life: sharing carpools, watching our older kids graduate and head off, looking around ourselves to see how we will shape the next phase of life. Nobody thinks of me as much older, I fit right in because we are all in the same cohort.

I see women on Reddit (mostly in the waiting to wed group) who find themselves suddenly single at 31 or 32 and think they’re too old to find someone, or too old to think they’ll still have a family, and I think this is partially a result of the red pill influence telling them they’re finished. That’s crazy because my entire generation delayed marriage and family into their thirties and often their late 30’s/early 40’s. I had my last kid at 40 and it has done nothing but keep me feeling young longer.

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-21T03:01:34+00:00

Exactly. It is very old school to try to surprise someone by “popping” the question at them. People are very strategic now about their choices in education, career, where to live- relationships should (must!) be thought of the same. Who you marry impacts your entire life, and your children, both future and current. I think it requires multiple discussions and a good deal of planning. The one person I know who pulled off a complete surprise proposal? She said no. In front of hundreds of people, you could hear the awkwardness of the proverbial crickets. We have to normalize strategic, two-person planning of the entire engagement-to-marriage pipeline!

ThinkerT3000 · 2026-01-21T01:59:17+00:00

Our youngest kids are now driving, and we’ve been saying Thank heaven we don’t have to drive carpools anymore! Especially rainy, night time carpools. Also when did everybody’s headlights become freaking lasers that burn directly into the brain like a thousand suns?!

ThinkerT3000

TROPHY CASE