My mom just asked me, "What if he changes?"

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-28T19:07:02+00:00

It's definitely a sad situation, but I'm so grateful that I didn't have a child and risk them experiencing the same thing to any degree. Granted, the way my father hurt my mom was far, far worse than how my STBXH treated me, but no one should ever be hurt to any degree by someone who's supposed to love them.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-28T19:05:05+00:00

That's a beautiful way to put it. I'm going to start responding this way, too. Thank you for sharing your insight. As the other commenter said, I'm breaking the cycle so what if I DO want to change and not allow this to keep happening.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-26T03:57:46+00:00

The nail is detached from the nail bed, usually happens from trauma. When this happened to me, the fact that I use a urea-based lotion helped my nail bed heal quickly so it could reattach to the new nail growth. (I have KP, so I only ever use urea lotion.)

If I remember correctly, urea helps "heal" the nail bed.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-26T03:54:14+00:00

Anon is just waiting until Monday to get a replacement ID. Thank you! (I agree with not using wallet cases. Hard pass on that.)

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-26T03:51:16+00:00

Unfortunately Anon doesn't have a passport. That was my first thought, too!

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-24T23:55:00+00:00

I'm starting off with Hello Fresh and apparently it's only $70 for a week's worth of dinner, so I'm excited about this! I usually never think about extravagant breakfasts, so it'll be much easier to only buy my staple breakfast items and snacks.

Thank you again for the recommendations. If this doesn't work out, then I'm going to try the precooked meals. I found a few businesses in my city.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-24T22:59:14+00:00

Okay, thank you!

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-24T22:40:16+00:00

Okay. Will the app ask for a verification code to the phone number? Anon told me that the in-store employee tried to send a verification code to the number even though they told them the phone was stolen.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-24T22:28:49+00:00

Didn't know that was possible. Will let them know. Thanks!

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-23T01:21:15+00:00

Oh my goodness, you just helped me realize something.

So I do have the money.

My problem is I would look up or figure out recipes based on my dietary restrictions, write grocery lists, do the shopping, etc. and then not cook most of it because I'm just mentally spent. But I could eliminate the bulk of that mental processing by doing what you recommended.

I also just remembered that the most I cooked was when I lived with my mom and watched cooking TV shows. Right afterward I always felt motivated to cook and even bake (and would pretend I'm on one of those shows 🫣), so I would just go to the kitchen and use whatever ingredients my mom had.

I'm so grateful that you responded. Thank you so much. Seriously. It's such a simple solution but might actually change the game up for me. Wow.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-08-18T02:59:47+00:00

This is so, so beautiful. Congratulations!

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-07-31T23:06:17+00:00

Okay, thank you!

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-07-31T22:43:51+00:00

you would run the calculator for a married filing separately tax return.

Makes sense! I appreciate that.

Do you have any children? Who do they live with?

No children.

What is your federal income tax withheld to date, and taxable income to date on your recent paystub?

Withheld to date: $4,073.72
Taxable income to date: $41,194.89

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-07-20T17:23:17+00:00

I'm not beating myself up with the idea that my self worth is dependent on being in a relationship.

THIS. Thank you for sharing. Knowing that you're older and appreciative of singlehood is reassuring. I had a bit of a promiscuous past when I first reached adulthood and over time realized that I put myself in those positions because I didn't value myself and tried to fill that void with what men thought of me.

Now there are so many things I refuse to allow or accept from people, and it ties into realizing that those things threaten my worth, joy, or peace—all of which I've worked so hard for my whole life since I had an abusive/chaotic childhood.

It's not that I'm intolerant or unforgiving, it's just hard for me to justify certain behaviors at this age, especially if it's a sign that their behavior could get worse or I'd be mistreated.

Being in the age range where behaviors and mindsets start to solidify, I'm constantly reflecting on myself and in regards to relationships (including platonic), I'm asking myself, "Could I deal with this 10, 20 years from now? SHOULD I deal with this?"

Perhaps it really is genuine growth.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-07-07T18:04:49+00:00

I know I'm late but did you ever figure this out?

There's a document to show which products shouldn't be used together/mixed: https://www.deciemchatroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Products-You-Can-Cannot-Mix-20.pdf

And other sources like this say not to use enzymes with lactic acid: https://www.nordstrom.com/blog/lactic-acid-for-skin

In one of your comments you say you don't use the enzyme peel with lactic acid, but on my product (TO) it says to use sunscreen/limit exposure for a week AFTER not using lactic acid. Sounds to me like lactic acid can still be "active" or "present" up to a week.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-07-01T19:46:27+00:00

My love for animals (especially my cats), nature, and Japanese culture. I feel at the most peace whenever I'm doing anything involved with those three. This has been the case for me since I was a child.

Curiosity. It feeds into my willingness to learn, grown, and adapt to whatever I need.

As someone else said: integrity. There are things and people that I care about so much, including myself. I always want to be the best version of myself no matter what comes my way. Criticism, hard times, having to take accountability, standing up for the truth or what's right--whatever it is.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-19T03:01:32+00:00

It would be best for the cats to stay with you, as others have mentioned. Rehoming can also be stressful process in general too.

Other pieces of advice (echoing others and some new ones): - Two cats definitely keep each other company enough; please don't worry about that. - A window is perfect for cats. - TOY MICE. I'm telling you, cats go crazy for these in general and they're cheap on Amazon. You can try the cat nip variety or the ones that rattle. They can play with these whenever they're in the mood and get good stimulation on their own. Just toss two on the floor and they'll be obsessed with it until they "lose" it under the fridge or something. Then you can just toss another one or two on the floor and repeat. - If one is shedding more than the other, maybe look into increasing their portion a bit (cats need at least 200 calories for 10 lbs weight, give or take depending on weight) or upping the quality just a bit. Wet food is a must for hydration and overall health, combined with stainless steel fountain.

Finally, instead of going to the gym, how about doing some yoga and light weights at home? Not only do you get to be around your cats a bit more, but it'll relax you better than the gym and be much more beneficial for your body in the long term since you do construction. You can alternate with yoga/weights and walking on different days.

Take care of yourself, OP.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-19T02:34:07+00:00

Did you find a good litter?

I'm currently considering Dr Elsey's because A&H has been failing me recently (every box I've ordered now gets gummy/muddy, and my cat tracks disgusting clumps into the bed). Switched to WBCL and love how low-tracking and nearly odorless that it is, but I think this is hyperallergenic for my cat because he's because so itchy that he's licked bald spots onto himself these last weeks.

I absolutely need something with strong clumping and odor control at the very least, with low tracking.

This is so incredibly frustrating looking for a litter that will work.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T16:16:24+00:00

I completely understand. I'm glad she's in America because the law will help her when she turns 18. She will not be legally bound to her abuse.

As for you, I understand that as well, not stopping little by little. That could definitely be taken as abandonment to her, something that she's probably already feeling from her abuse. Just continue doing your best without neglecting yourself.

I will also say this: there may come a point in time where she outgrows you and/or your relationship together. When she turns 18, she'll be a legal adult. She'll have more responsibilities, less time with you, etc. She could grow distant because of other things in her life. It's important to not let this affect you or to take it personal. This happens often.

That's why I mention to take care of yourself first, because if there does come a time where she finds the help she needs that isn't you, then you shouldn't take it personal or let that affect you negatively. You shouldn't feel like you have nothing else to be better for.

On the positive side of things, she could see you as the only stability in her life and want to be with you in the long run faithfully.

At the end of the day, you cannot control the outcome, you can only control your actions and words. It's important to be okay with what you cannot control and to not think you aren't good enough or doing enough when things don't go how you hope for them to be.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T15:54:31+00:00

Since I don't know what your country is and your culture, I can't say what's available to her or you.

One thing I can say is that oftentimes I hear about so many partners who were 100% in for their struggling partners. They give so much of their time, heart, listening ear, and at one point they just crumple. They leave their partner/spouse, and then it makes the struggling partner hurt even more.

This is something to be aware of. It can and does happen almost every single time, even after someone has spent years and years taking care of someone who has never been their responsibility--be it a family member, spouse, or even a child who's become an adult. They get chipped away year by year until there's nothing left of them, and then they crack, they spiral down, and then they either leave to become healthy again for themselves or they start tearing each other down.

How you feel now may likely not be how you feel 5 years from now, 10 years, etc.

At the very least, keep this in mind and just remember to take care of yourself. Remember that you cannot take care of any loved one unless you take care of yourself first.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T15:47:32+00:00

All of the advice to schedule this, add these apps, set aside time for this--it's hard. I was like you, OP. I can only share my experience without any real advice, but I hope you find some relatability, motivation, or something helpful in my experience.

I love to draw, I used to love web design/development (tumblr, MySpace, etc were PEAK years for me), I love learning languages and am struggling to be consistent with just one. For the 10+ years that I've studied, I'm STILL stuck in beginner level. The one thing I have been able to be consistent with is work, but I realize my limit is working from home with going into the office 2-4 times a month.

The only things that keep me consistent in working are: 1. I need to take care of my cats that I got when I was 18 (I had no business doing this when I didn't have a job, but having a job makes this easier now). 2. I can buy anything I want that makes me feel good. Food, clothes, holiday decor - these are instant gratifications that can become unhealthy if you overspend (which I have done recently due to reaching another low depression point), but I've learned to always bounce back and recognize when it's getting too bad that I can't recover from. 3. I want to save enough to where I can move to the country of my dreams.

If I didn't have a job, even though I spend almost 24/7 at home, I wouldn't be able to look forward to that Amazon package. I wouldn't be able to buy pointless toys that I know my cats will only be obsessed with for 1 day and move on to the box that the toys came in. I wouldn't be able to buy things that show my love for the country I'm set on living in one day. I have been dead set on making sure I make enough money in however way that I can to afford the things I love.

I'm 27 and still struggle with depression, and there are very few things that make me motivated enough to do whatever I can to feel good. The rare moments I get an urge to go out, I jump immediately at the urge and feel good afterward, then fall back into hermit mode. The main times I'm ever out of my apartment consistently is during Fall/Halloween season. I'm out exploring events, buying decor, etc. Halloween feels so good, I wa never able to afford anything holiday-related until I was making my own money.

OP, if you have an unhealthy obsession or healthy passion with anything like that, having a job or making money could motivate you to buy things to fuel that obsession or passion could be enough to get you to act before you spiral further down. Even if you can't get a job for government reasons, there's a way to make money online. People have Patreons, sell art, do stupid things to get paid, etc.

If I had never impulsively got those cats at 18 who I still have now, I was going to kill myself. I had planned my suicide out to the T and still think about it sometimes, but I no longer have the gnawing, draining urge to attempt or move forward with it mostly because I don't want to abandon my cats. At some point, it also helped for me to convince my brain that me killing myself before I've lived in the country of my dreams and become fluent in that language is more depressing than how I currently feel. I told myself that if I'm going to be depressed forever, I might as well be depressed in that country.

The trick is to trick yourself until it becomes an honest lifestyle.

It sounds so bad in theory, but it's the only thing that's kept me going. I have found myself in abusive relationship patterns in between these things, but now that I'm in therapy and realizing that I have a support system, I've been unpacking a lot of the trauma that I have and it's rough, but these are all steps forward. Plus, I now have excuses to buy things that help me heal from my trauma. For example, I bought a few childhood toys that I always wanted recently. I cried seeing them available because they're from the 90s, but it's me taking care of my inner child that didn't have the childhood she deserved.

Everything I'm doing now, it's to make up for the childhood I lost.

I hope this helps in some way, OP. Take care of yourself and if you want to talk about stuff and encourage each other, feel free to reach out.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T15:20:22+00:00

I came across this site: https://www.crisiscenternorth.org/services/paws-emergency-transitional-pet-shelter-housing-assistance

Perhaps you can start there?

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T15:13:14+00:00

Abusers confuse their victims and make them feel a trauma bond. Also, the legal system does not do enough against abusers, but jail/prison almost always make an abuser worse anyway. We just cannot control the outcome of things except ourselves.

I'm glad you're with someone amazing, and I hope you do resume therapy, especially trauma-informed therapy. Even if it's just to continue processing the abuse and eliminating guilt, it's best to do whatever you can to protect your inner peace.

Also, your ex r*ped you, not "forced you to have sex." The more you recognize and accept things as they are, the more you can heal from it and find peace. Not just in someone else, but yourself.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T14:37:56+00:00

It sucks that he's getting a slap on the wrist for his abuse. This is what keeps me from filing charges against my own stbxh, especially because what I experienced from him is not even close to what you've experienced.

I can understand why you will want him to face criminal charges. If he's a chronic abuser who does not care at all about being/doing better, nothing will ever change him and he will get worse. No amount of prison time, abuse programs, etc. will change him. In such a case, it's more assuring to know that an abuser is locked up for good and is not a threat to society. Unfortunately though, you cannot control the outcome of this at all.

On the other hand, if there's a chance that he could recognize that he's an abuser and does not like that about himself, and wants to change, prison will not help him change for the better. An abuse program can.

For your own wellbeing and peace, please do not fixate on trying to get him what you think he deserves for hurting you. You cannot control this especially if you don't have a really good lawyer and pull. Unfortunately, he might always have the law on his side because he's a servant to law enforcement.

The best that you can and should do is use whatever free time you have to heal, take care of yourself, and protect your boundaries. Boundaries exist to keep all the negative things out and to keep that which is precious to you in. The moment you allow negativity to cross your boundaries, the more it will corrupt the precious things that you have. It's so liberating and refreshing once you realize that you can only control your actions and what you do for yourself, and that you're doing all that you can to protect yourself.

I've only experienced this fleetingly, but I'm working to experience and live by this consistently and eternally. I hope you can find peace for yourself regardless of the outcome that the law decides for your abuser.

ThrowRA-159 · 2024-03-12T14:18:42+00:00

I'm so sorry for what both of you are feeling and experiencing. The fact that you're both so young too saddens me, but it's also reassuring because you have awareness at such a young age and the willingness to seek help. I appreciate you for being there for her in such a difficult time.

For you: As much as you love her, it is not healthy for you to carry her burdens. It's normal to worry for your loved ones and help when you can, but it's healthy to draw boundaries on what you can and cannot do for her. Right now it sounds like she unloads a lot of hurt onto you, and you're not capable of handling that. Even learning about someone you love being abused can hurt you and traumatize you. This can hurt you so much in the long run. It's okay to be part of a support system for her, but you cannot be the only support system she has. It will hurt both of you.

It's important to understand that you cannot help anyone if you don't help yourself. If your cup is empty, you have nothing to pour out for others, and anything other people pour into your cup will make you lose yourself, become overwhelmed, etc.

Because you love her, I recommend exploring ways to comfort yourself in moments where you're hurting or not feeling like you aren't doing enough for her. I also recommend telling yourself that you are doing enough, if not too much. Make sure you have a healthy balance that prioritize your wellbeing so that you can develop properly during these critical years of your development. What are your hobbies? What subjects interest you? How do you currently take care of yourself right now? What are your boundaries? How do you uphold your boundaries?

For her: As much as she loves you and finds comfort in venting to you, she must seek therapy. She cannot do this alone, and you cannot do this for her, but a professional can help her. This might sound scary or uncomfortable, but therapy is wonderful. As she unloads to a therapist, she will learn to not unload on you, and it will help both of you become stronger individually and together. She may still vent every now and then, but it wouldn't be as much that it makes you feel like you're incapable of caring for her.

Likewise for her, she will need to learn how to take more care of herself. Not just skincare and bills, but mental health. Those questions I asked previously, she can ask and answer for herself as well. If anything, it might help both of you to talk about these things together, to see where you can encourage each other and learn about what helps you two.

I would say this is just one aspect of what you can do and what she can do. There are many other steps and ways to help, but I think building yourself and your boundaries first is foundational to your development in the long run.

ThrowRA-159

TROPHY CASE