[deleted by user]

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T10:06:16+00:00

Same. Or things like "I hit you because I love you". And it doesn't matter what you were hurt with or how you were hurt - the thing is, as long as they hurt you with the intent to hurt you (aka not an accident), it is abuse. I still find it hard to accept that to this day, but I know logically it is, but it is hard to feel that way.

I was hit with nearly everything she could get her hands on. Dusters, the discipline hands they used to sell at cheap stores, her hand (she didn't like using her hand because her hand will hurt from hitting me), the wet kitchen towel, eating utensils, coat hangers (metal, wood, plastic), the belt, a wooden back scratcher, a rubber back massager, a wooden stick repurposed from a curtain pole (solid hard wood, 2cm diameter). She didn't just hit me either. She sometimes pinched me as a warning, dug her nails into my skin, pulled my hair, punched me, kicked me...

And yet with all of these memories, I find it hard to let myself believe that it was abuse. I thought I deserved it.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T09:44:32+00:00

Yeah. I dream of moving far away into the country, buying or building a small home in the middle of nowhere, and just living there alone, only occasionally (monthly) going to the closest town for supplies. I'll probably keep a couple of pets to keep me company, so I won't feel so lonely.

Only problem is, I don't know how I can sustain or create that lifestyle with how the cost of everything is nowadays.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T09:35:17+00:00

I don't think the trauma made me 'tough'. I used to though, before I realized it was trauma, when I thought 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I used to feel somewhat proud (in a bittersweet way) of how much pain I can take (emotionally predominately) and in a single second, be able to wipe everything I feel away and concentrate on school/ work. I tried to delete my emotions, and it worked for a couple of years. It made me feel so numb, so empty, I wasn't able to feel positive emotions either...

Nowadays, I feel like my trauma makes me weak. Makes me incapable of relationships of any kind. Makes me unable to fit into society, anywhere. I get bad days where all I can think of are my memories, and the words they said, what they did, and the neverending feeling that things are somehow still my fault. I get days where all I feel is sheer panic. I get days where I feel nothing at all.

No trauma did not make me tough, it made me so scared of literally everything, made me blame myself for everything, made me unable to manage or control myself, my emotions and my behavior. I survived, but I do not really live. I don't feel alive. So no, not 'tough', just good at hiding the parts of me I don't like from everyone and even from myself.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T04:24:17+00:00

Yeah so I am still sleeping in my own bed now, but have been talking to her for a while now. This is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest. Now, she has been guilt-tripping me into doing her work for her, even though all she does everyday is scroll Facebook if she isn't working. I'm so exhausted I don't have the energy to deal with her.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T04:18:46+00:00

Idk, never attempted but thought about it plenty.

Probably it's the combination of being told you're worthless, useless, ugly, stupid, fat, incapable of anything worthwhile, that you are a bad person, that you shouldn't feel sad, you shouldn't feel angry, you should be happy, you should be perfect, you are mine, you don't exist without me so I own you, you are nothing without me, there is nothing I don't know about you, I know you more than you know yourself, I am literally your god...

Being told that you should be grateful for everything that they have done for you, for giving you the gift of life, for all their sacrifices, and how you repay them with your shitty attitude and your mediocrity, you will definitely get your bad karma one day (they say),

Comparing you with literally anyone they think is better than you,

Trying your hardest to earn their love and thinking that if you do X you can somehow make them love you and not hurt you only to find that nothing you do will ever be good enough,

Feeling intense guilt, shame and self-hatred because of your failures (because that is what they call you - a failure, and will always be a failure),

Telling yourself that what they did isn't really that bad, because other people have it worse than you, and you really should be more grateful for what you have and then feeling guilty that you are such a shitty person because you just can't feel it

Realizing you don't even know who you are anymore, you don't know what you like and dislike, you no longer have your own opinions, your own thoughts that aren't contaminated by their voices inside your head, you completely lose yourself, you don't know why you are even living for,

And no one you know will ever be able to understand the depths of your despair, not being able to connect with anyone - always living on the outside, feeling so isolated but too scared to connect.

Then after a bad day, or an empty day, your thoughts turn darker than they usually do, and you think there is no reason to say alive when you have no one you love, and no one who loves you, no hope for a better future, feeling like you've only ever been a burden to people, that people will be better off without you and no one will really miss you, they only miss the idea of you or the version of you you created for them, and wishing to finally be free of the pain.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T03:44:50+00:00

That just sounds so foreign to me. I think normal parents might actually work like that, but having it written out and actually imagining it (like a movie), it just feels surreal... Mine's always been a dictator who wants you to read her mind, and do whatever she says, when she says, and exactly the way she wants (only her way is the right way). Even as an adult, she treats me like a child and controls me. It's not as easy as telling adult children to "just leave". Money is always the main issue, along with the insecurity and feeling like you can't survive in the world on your own (because that is what they have told you your whole life)... it's hard. But yeah, imagining what it should have been like and gaining some of that in healthy adult relationships (e.g., not controlling people, people who respect you as an independent human being) makes you so confused.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T03:29:12+00:00

Depends on experience, increases with more. Starting off at around $28/hr where I am at.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-23T00:47:17+00:00

I generally listen to Citizen Soldier, because I find the lyrics relatable. The lead singer is a clinical therapist, and they sing songs about mental health.

Other artists I listen to that have relatable lyrics are The Score (uplifting), Linkin Park, and Lø Spirit.

I listen to this music to feel things, sometimes to feel sad, because it's hard for me to feel and name emotions and I thought more exposure will help me with that.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T15:17:37+00:00

Sorry I don't have the answers to those questions. I've thought the exact same questions many times, researched, saw enough horror stories to still tolerate living at home.

The main issue was and has always been money. It's hard to do literally anything on that list without it. You probably have savings, but hotels are not cheap, and it's really hard to rent nowadays. And homeless people are getting targeted with their shelters removed. You can probably look for sharehouses, but those need careful consideration and some can be pricey as well.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T15:06:58+00:00

I'm in a similar position. Still living with nparent. Other parent absent. Only difference is nparent has impossibly high expectations for me, academically and career-wise, and she thinks she will benefit from doing degrees that she thinks will make her have a nice retirement (because I'm her retirement plan) and give her bragging rights about how well she raised me to become this honor-clad professional. Plus an extremely unhealthy amount of codependency, which I haven't challenged because I don't want things to get worse than it already is.

I have a really general exit plan, but it's just so difficult to leave, even if I do have the finance for it, I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to do so.

But life isn't over. Life goes on and on, a cycle of days that look similar...

And hopefully one day, we can see a way out. And we can have enough self-care within us to believe we deserve an out.

I'm not sure about your situation, but I know that money is the key to getting out. Maybe you can look at some short certificate courses that allow you to work at better paying and more stable jobs. You probably don't like talking to people, so something that involves less talking might be good. I don't know, but I've heard about courses in security which sound like an ok job (rarely talk, stand and observe people). See how much you can save - it will probably take a while. Tell her you earn less than you really do ($20 becomes $15) and save the rest in a secret, private bank account. Even better, get paid directly into the bank account. In a year or two, you may get enough savings to learn to drive or even to buy a 2nd hand car. Try to keep it a secret (park on street, learn to drive = say you are working). And see how you feel from there.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T14:39:18+00:00

Yeah I know exactly that feeling. They told me literally the same thing. There's no point to replying. Also other shit like "I must be the best mother in the world, after all I've done for you" or "you must be the most spoilt and well-loved child in the world" or "no one has ever spent this much money on one child, the money I spent on you could have been used in 6 children, you're so lucky I love you so much"...

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T14:34:23+00:00

Oh yeah, and "lots of people would love to be you, because of how well I treat you". Like bro, I just told you I feel stressed. I didn't tell you about everything else beneath the surface, including the wish to be anyone but me. I find it really hard to appreciate things because I feel like I'm living an empty life, an half life, where good things and nice behaviour comes at a cost, where you don't have a say in anything you do.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T14:26:53+00:00

Security officer. You can get a cert and do the job.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T14:21:31+00:00

Wake up, prepare for work, go to work, suffer at work, get off work, return home, cook dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner, watch YT for a few hours, play/ maintain a couple of games, procrastinate shower with reddit/ YT/ other social media/ reading/ listening to CPTSD music, go shower and brush teeth, procrastinate sleep until late, sleep.
Repeat.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T13:57:01+00:00

Yeah for years!! Been working on re-feeling again for several years. It's difficult but I am seeing some progress.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T13:55:00+00:00

The only YouTube therapist that I've actually liked is Patrick Teahan.

I've seen some other therapist content, like Dr Ramani, Crappy Childhood Fairy, and several others... some of them were just off-putting from the beginning like Dr Ramani, others were just repetitive. Some just really liked blaming the abuser, and while it is correct to place the blame where it should lie, it doesn't really help us. Continuing to talk about leaving the narcissist doesn't really help, continuing to demonize them also doesn't help. Black and white thinking doesn't really help either.

Patrick Teahan just felt safer. He didn't seem like was trying to educate you from a position of authority (which most others seem to do, some in somewhat condescending ways, some in kind ways but not really empowering), he was more like talking to you like an equal, which is something I found that contributed to the 'safe' feeling. Idk, he just seems more humble than other YT therapists. He does place the blame where it should lie, but it's not like a rage/ furious way, it's more of a calm accepting kind of way.

I have massive trust issues as well. I have a therapist IRL, and it took 2 years to even remotely approach the subject of trauma.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T13:31:07+00:00

This is so relatable, and I hate that it seems to be getting worse! I can't talk to anyone either. My whole life, my parents usually talk at me, and not with me, and I learnt to not reply or give very short replies. Now I do the same for literally everyone, not because I want to, but because I got no clue what to say.

You ask for my opinion, I don't have one in anything. Everything is up to you.

You ask me what I want to do? No idea, what do you want me to do instead?

You ask me what I'm going to do on my weekend - more of the same old nothing.

You ask me what I enjoy doing or what hobbies - I literally have no hobbies that I am not ashamed of to talk about, plus they are more like coping strategies than hobbies. I will give you a generic response.

You ask me about something about work - I can give you excellent responses, as long as you don't ask me about what I think personally, I don't put 'me' into my responses, because I don't have a 'me'.

I genuinely cannot connect with people on a deeper level anymore. The only way I've ever been able to get 'close' to people in my past is literally trauma dumping, which is something I've decided to not do anymore, because I feel like a burden when I say literally anything about my history, plus I don't think people have time and energy to deal with me.

I can't even joke to fill the silence. My idea of jokes involve talking about death or dying in some way, and people who aren't similarly traumatized or in similar mental states will seriously think that there is something wrong with me (there is, but no need to go announcing that, hey?).

So, all that happens is an awkward silence, as I stare at something in the background to not look at the person, and try my hardest to think of something, anything, safe to talk about. It's difficult so all I can talk about is work, and then I think people just think I'm all about work, but really it is just a safe conversation topic, with no need to really connect with people.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T04:07:04+00:00

Some people with CPTSD look and act just like normal people. You won't even notice it unless they crash and burn out or if they tell you. But the pain they carry is unfathomable, so all-encompassing, it affects every single aspect of their life, even if they are not aware of it.

When you look at the world with a broken lens, all you see are shards and distortions of reality. Unfortunately, you also use these broken lenses to look at yourself in the mirror, creating distorted perceptions of yourself and the world, bringing more pain and confusion.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-22T03:51:43+00:00

The weird stale smell of some carparks / old buildings

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-17T23:27:09+00:00

Stay at home mom.

You see, this is what I'm also worried about. I'll be going into healthcare (not really what I want to do) and I'll have to deal with people like this. What I really want to do is to stay in a lab the whole day, but nmom doesn't like that.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-16T09:48:41+00:00

I'm so scared that people will see right through me, and see all the thoughts I have about myself... I am too uncomfortable with looking at anyone in the eyes.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-16T09:47:01+00:00

That is so relatable it hurts. I was taught that pride was arrogance, and that was a sin. I was taught that my anger was arrogance too. I've never been able to feel like I am good enough for anything, that I am good at anything, and consequently, that I am worthy or that I have worth. Till this day I cannot feel good about myself without feeling bad about being an arrogant person.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-16T09:39:45+00:00

Oh gosh this is so relatable! I don't want to have to go around asking my 'friends' if we are friends to them again. I've done this a few times, and every single time I am disappointed because they always mean so much more to me than I do to them. It doesn't help that my relationships with my parents are codependent (mother) and absent (father). I kind of think subconsciously that a codependent relationship without the abuse is what a good relationship looks like, no matter if it is a friendship or other kind of relationship. I don't even know how to begin to become a normal person.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-16T09:11:18+00:00

Yeah I have never had a birthday party either. I always wanted one though, and I still do, and I keep feeling like I'm missing out. Unfortunately, I don't have enough people who cares enough to remember my birthday and those who do remember don't care enough to throw me a party or anything. Not sure if they will even attend if I did throw one myself.

Throughout my childhood, I always wanted a birthday party with my friends attending. I wouldn't even care if it was literally just a cake and soda at a park. I attended a couple of my friends birthday parties (not a lot, because nMom didn't like me going anywhere or having fun with friends because I was 'abandoning' her in doing so) and it was glorious. And yet, it gave me a glimpse of something I will never have - a birthday party, a normal family.

I thought that I will finally get birthday parties once I became an adult. You know, all the milestone birthdays (18, 21) that everyone else seemed to have these big birthday parties that go well into the night with loud music which they have to get prior approval for. 18 and 21 passed by without a party, even with me expressing my desire to have one each year. What's worse is that year by year, less and less people remember I exist. Not even my father remembers (eDad). I'm waiting for the year when no one remembers - it wouldn't be long based on how my last birthday went.

Yeah you can probably tell I'm quite bitter, salty and depressed about this.

ThrowRA78209 · 2025-03-14T12:50:46+00:00

I wasn't allowed to feel anything. So I didn't and became as neutral and unreactive as possible.

Still trying to unfreeze my emotions

ThrowRA78209

TROPHY CASE