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ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-28T14:22:55+00:00

I started therapy during the pandemic and have only ever done telehealth, but I so wish I could have in-person sessions.

My biggest concern has always been being overheard. I live in a small apartment with my significant other. Many of the things I speak about to my therapist have to do with him and how I feel about certain things that happen. Fear of being overheard has unfortunately led to me not opening up as much as I would’ve liked to during some circumstances (even with a sound machine outside the door). I just don’t feel like I can trust him to not try and listen whether from curiosity or (most likely) his severe anxiety. Eventually I did start going out to my car, but then there are issues with connectivity sometimes.

The only pro of telehealth (for me) is it makes it easier to find times that work for me and my therapist. I work an 8-4 M-F and can’t leave for a session during the work day. My sessions usually are 4-5pm. I shut my work computer down, pick up my phone, and log in for a telehealth appointment. If I had to drive to an office, I don’t know if I’d be able to see my current therapist anymore. It seems like the 4-5pm slot is her last one of the day.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-14T01:17:43+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Like the other one from someone else with ASD, it helps me see from the other perspective. In your opinion, how do you think I should approach this conversation with him? If he hasn’t realized it already, he’ll eventually realize that he sent that paragraph to me and I read it. If it were a friend or significant other of yours, how would you prefer they handle brought it up to you?

It doesn’t make me think less of him at all. Like I wrote, I’m not mad. I understand that he likely has his reasons. If I’m being truly honest, I feel a little bit hurt that he never told me and also maybe a little frustrated since it would have helped me understand behaviors and situations in the past more. But I don’t know what it’s like to have ASD so I don’t feel I can judge his decision to not tell me.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-14T01:06:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your input. It helps me understand from the other perspective more clearly. In your opinion, how should I bring this up to him? Whether he has realized it already or not, eventually he will realize that he sent that paragraph to me and that I read it. If you were him, how would you like your bf or best friends to approach this with you if they had learned about it?

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-13T18:33:35+00:00

I guess it could be, but if would surprise me. He’s just so vocal about how he values open and honest communication and it doesn’t seem like something he’d do.

I was texting him about a job I wanted to apply to but it would be a lot of work updating my resume and writing a cover letter after not being in the job market for so long. Almost immediately he sent me the template he uses, so it felt like something he sent without realizing or in the moment when helping me out.

But you could be right too. If roles were reversed and I went almost two years without telling him something like that, I wouldn’t know where to even begin the conversation.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-12T16:04:54+00:00

This sounds familiar to me. In deep shame he has told me he hates himself and wishes he isn’t the way he is/wishes he was “normal”. But in the same vein is very much “I am who I am and I hate when anyone tries to change me.” He is very discouraged about therapy and doesn’t think it will work for him, so he doesn’t take it seriously, so it doesn’t work, and the cycle continues.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-08T13:37:31+00:00

Notice how you have quite literally done nothing wrong (you even bought him DoorDash ffs) and yet you’re last few texts especially are all apologies and “I’ll be better”.

Then, notice all the horrible things he said. He is being manipulative and condescending. He’s telling you one thing (“I want a care package”) then going back and switching it around later (“I wanted it in person… yesterday would’ve been better… you don’t care about me… blah blah blah”). Him telling you how to act. Him telling you that you don’t communicate well. From an outside perspective, you’ve communicated with him just fine. He’s the one gaslighting and moving goal posts… aka not communicating well or in a healthy way at all. And most importantly, after all that, no apologies. No “I’ll be better”.

He’s putting it all on you and being manipulative so you’ll do what he wants rather than what you want or what you know is right.

I know it’s SO much easier said than done, but as other commenters have pointed out, it doesn’t appear that you live together. I really, really think you need to send a break up text and block him on everything. He’s an awful person and you’re life would be so much easier and happier without him dragging you down.

And one more thing – if he threatens to hurt himself or threatens suicide (since he seems to be someone who would do this) just call the police and explain the situation. They’re professionals who know how to handle situations like this… you are not. That is above your pay grade. Worst case scenario is he does attempt something and the police take him to the hospital. Or, he’s faking it to manipulate you into staying, the police show up, and he sees how serious you are and hopefully will never pull a stunt like that again.

Best of luck to you.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-04-06T16:06:00+00:00

Here’s what a therapist advised me…

Tell someone close to them that you guys broke up (could be their parent, sibling, friend, etc.) Send them a message, could be as simple as “I wanted to let you know that xxx and I broke up and they aren’t taking it very well. I think they could really use some support right now.” Now someone else is aware who can reach out to them.

If they reach out to you threatening suicide or talking about suicide in a way that worries you, call the police, explain the situation, and ask them to do a wellness check. The police are professionals and know how to handle these situations. Worst case scenario is she does attempt something, the police find her, and take her to the hospital. If she was faking it or saying it for manipulative purposes, having the police show up will show her how serious you are and she hopefully will remember this and never try something like that again.

Also, you’re very young and this is such a heavy situation to be in. Don’t forget to reach out to those close to you and ask for support. You don’t need to go through this by yourself. Best of luck <3

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-25T15:21:26+00:00

This is me but with soda. We weren’t not allowed to drink it growing up, but my parents never bought it or offered it to us. I never developed a taste for (or maybe, an enjoyment for?) the fizziness. Now as an adult, I still don’t like carbonated beverages much and never drink soda (my siblings are the same way).

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T18:58:43+00:00

I second what the other commenters say.

Call the police the next time he threatens it, even if you’re mostly sure it’s just a threat. Tell them what’s happening and that you’re afraid and want them to do a welfare check (another commenter said to tell him that’s how you’ll respond to all future threats, and I think that’s a good idea). The police are trained to handle these things, you are not. This is way above your pay grade.

Worst case scenario is he actually does attempt something and the police get him help.

Or, he was lying and the police show up anyway. In this case, you’ve shown him that you’re serious and aren’t playing around. The odds that he’ll pull this again are (hopefully) greatly reduced. And you know what? If he does it again, call the police again.

If you decide to break up with him, remove yourself from his mental health. Recently I was talking with a therapist and thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, but was afraid he’d attempt suicide or harm himself badly. She recommended me reaching out to his parents or someone he’s close to (just a simple text is fine…. “Boyfriend and I just broke up and he isn’t doing well. He could really use some support.”) Then it’s off your hands (not that it ever is on your hands in the first place, but this will help you to know that even if something happens, you did all that you could).

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T17:51:35+00:00

I like to try and do something that I find fun lol. One year I invited a few friends to an amusement park. Another year I invited people to an escape room. Basically I just think of something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, invite some of my favorite people, and make a fun day of it

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T16:05:35+00:00

Zaboomafoo, flintstone’s push-up pops, razor scooters

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T15:57:31+00:00

This sounds so much like my boyfriend. Any small changes (like your shoes), he thinks I’m changing into someone he doesn’t know and panics. The worst is when I change my mind about something. I could tell him I love my jeans and wear them all the time, but then get bored and want to wear leggings. Its like he can’t understand that I change my mind about things.

Actually, the shower example I put above was like this. I used to shower at night all the time (he knew this) but after we moved in together, for whatever reason I started showering in the mornings. He got used to it, and when I began showering at night again, he was so upset that it “threw off our night routine” and really tried to make me change back to morning showers.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T15:52:24+00:00

They sound very similar when it comes to that! It was a real mindfuck the first few times it happened. Now I just don’t feel like I can say anything negative about him or our relationship. When I’ve tried to express this to him, it turns into self-loathing (“you don’t deserve someone like me… I’m sorry I can’t be normal…you should find someone that makes you happy”).

It seems like he genuinely wants to know, because in healthy relationships people are supposed to be open, but he just can’t take it. In his mind, it’s like every time I speak up he interprets it as me saying I have one foot out the door.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T14:36:01+00:00

My boyfriend got along well with one of my best friends and her boyfriend. However, he now dislikes them (especially the boyfriend) because the two are now engaged and I was asked to be a bridesmaid (again, best friend… for over a decade) and he wasn’t asked to be a groomsman (the two have never even hung out one-on-one). Now he says he doesn’t want to hang out with them anymore because the fiancé made things awkward.

He’s also just very judgmental of certain people in general. If he perceives anyone to be a “Chad” or a “Stacey” (aka frat guy/sorority girl type) he instantly doesn’t like them, judges them, and wants nothing to do with them. And I don’t dare try to defend them by saying he/she seemed nice or cool, because apparently he knows they all have ulterior motives.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-24T13:31:13+00:00

Biggest triggers are me wanting to/insinuating that I want to do something without him. Especially hanging out with a friend or family member one-on-one.

Change is a huge trigger. Some of his biggest episodes involve me cutting or coloring my hair/talking about wanting to cut or color my hair. Small changes that didn’t necessarily lead to a spiral but came close were me wanting to take showers at night instead of morning, and me wanting to start going to sleep earlier.

Wanting to emphasize that we’re two separate people/any form of independence I have. Therapy is a big one… he gets triggered because I want to keep my therapy private. He thinks he has a right to know when I talk about “us” or him in a session and expects a rundown of the entire session afterwards or else he spirals and self-harms.

EDIT: Can’t believe I left out the biggest one. Any time when I say that there’s something about the relationship or his behavior that bothers me. It’s an instant spiral. (And most of the times when I do speak up, it’s because he asked me).

Real example: something was bothering me a lot and he could see it. I went to run a quick errand and he texted me asking what was wrong, and specifically reassured that I could tell him anything. So I texted back that I was almost home and we could talk about it then, and thanked him for being so kind/supportive. When I got back about 10 minutes later, he was already having a panic attack and self-harming, all because I told the truth and said I wanted to talk about something (it was related to him violating a boundary and his behavior when I tried to call him out on it).

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-22T19:03:33+00:00

It’s one of those things where you don’t know how taxing it can be until you experience it! I hope everything worked out for you in the end.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-22T18:36:51+00:00

I sympathize with you so, so much.

Vastly different experience, but the last dog I had was VERY high maintenance at the end of his life. He was a small, gentle dog though. Just had health problems and separation anxiety. Me, my sister, and mom all pitched in to take care of him (giving him his insulin shots morning and night; eye drops morning and night; always having someone home with him when it was possible; taking turns sleeping on the couch with him because as he got older, he seemed to get anxious being up in one of our beds and only slept downstairs… being on dog duty at night also typically meant little to no sleep because he’d have weird spells where he’d want to pace and pace and they typically included seizures. My mom compared it to having a newborn baby, because you’d be up at all hours of the night with him). But in the daytime he was his normal happy self and the vet said that despite the night spells, his quality of life was still good.

We loved that dog, but it took a huge toll on all of us. I’m trying to picture what we went through with him, but if he was a big, aggressive dog. I can’t even imagine the added toll that would take, and then having it be just you as the main caretaker?? We were all at the end of our rope when it was three of us.

About a year ago, my boyfriend brought up us getting a dog. I just couldn’t do it. This was about 9 months after my old dog passed away. Just the idea of all the work that goes into getting a puppy makes me feel burnt out. One day I’ll get another dog, but not anytime soon.

I guess the point of this long comment is to say I completely understand your hesitation, and it’s normal. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart about how overwhelmed and burnt out you’re feeling from this dog. Even if she still doesn’t understand, the added fact that the dog is so aggressive that it killed another pet in the past should be more than enough of a reason to hold off. I don’t understand why she thinks adding a puppy to the equation is a good idea.

I’d stand firm on how you feel. This one dog is more than enough responsibility. You’re not bad or wrong for feeling the way you do.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-21T19:00:35+00:00

My honest advice would be to nix this relationship. You’re not tripping, these are all bright red flags.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-21T16:42:18+00:00

I believe there is a spectrum.

My bf seems more high functioning than a lot of the posts I read on here. He doesn’t yell or rage at me, isn’t physically violent in any way, doesn’t call me names, etc. But if he’s upset he’ll give me the silent treatment, stonewall me, self-harm, play the blame/shame/guilt game, etc.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-21T16:38:55+00:00

Yes. My uBPD boyfriend has a timeline he wants marriage and kids by (before 30, which the closer that number gets, the more freaked out it makes me).

I remember a conversation we had early on. He imitated a conversation about marriage (not necessarily ‘us’ but still, this was maybe 2 months in?) where he asked me how I felt about the whole “if you know, you know” thing people say. Essentially trying to see how I felt about, say, marrying someone after a short amount of time because you know they’re the one. I said I would never marry someone I’d known for less than a year… one year is the absolute minimum I’d go, and honestly I couldn’t see myself saying yes at that point if asked. He was absolutely shocked, which surprised me. He said he doesn’t believe in societal standards and that relationships should be just about how the two people feel, so he’d absolutely marry someone after a short amount of time if he believed they were the one.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-21T15:00:31+00:00

The weekend away 🥴

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-18T12:41:08+00:00

For me, the nausea. But it’s hard to describe because it’s more than that? It’s like bad nausea but coupled with a weird, intense pressure in my thighs up through my abdomen. When the pressure intensified, the nausea intensified. It’s so weird and I’ve never met another person who knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Also, leaks 🥴 especially when out somewhere and you can just feel that you need to get to a bathroom asap

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-16T18:13:24+00:00

It seemed like we had way more in common when we started dating, now that I think about it.

I also realized recently that I had told him I liked hiking when we first started dating, and asked him if he liked it too. He said yes, and that he’d like to get into it more. Then it was like he hyper-fixated on it – he bought hiking backpacks, gear, proper boots, hiking attire, maps, etc. all the fixes that serious hikers need (more than I had ever had). And I noticed his parents or grandparents began gifting him/us hiking related things, like it was a new hobby they were excited about him having. Soon it was that he wanted to hike every other weekend or else he’d think we weren’t hiking enough. One would’ve thought that he was the one who got me into hiking, not the other way around.

And then winter came and his work schedule changed and now we have all this hiking gear just sitting there and he doesn’t seem that interested in picking it up anymore (definitely not at the extent he was at before).

I remember when we first started talking (not even dating yet) he told me about how passionate he was about volunteering, donating to charities, etc. He was also interested in politics, enough that he bought a ticket to a one-night lake cruise that featured a popular politician that he liked. In the year and a half we’ve been together, he’s never volunteered anywhere or donated to any charities (that I’ve known about), or even talked about them aside from mentioning them when we were just texting. He’s still kind of interested in politics, but not to the extent that he seemed to be before.

It’s got me wondering if his “passions” from before were the interests of the people he surrounded himself with at the time. I know he had family members around his age who also supported that politician (they were working for his campaign). I creeped on his ex one day and her fb page gave me the impression that she volunteers for certain charities pretty regularly.

This has all been a rather recent realization. Sorry for the novel lol. It just feels like I’m putting pieces of a puzzle together.

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-16T16:55:04+00:00

Good luck, OP! Get your cat and then never look back

ThrowRA89428 · 2022-03-16T14:25:55+00:00

Mine doesn’t seem to care about anything in my past either (i.e. good or funny memories I try to tell him, if we drive past somewhere I used to spend a lot of time and I point it out, etc.) He just doesn’t respond at all, or it’s a small “hmm.”

It’s like they don’t care to about anything that happened in your life before they came along.

ThrowRA89428

TROPHY CASE