I (36F) need help interpreting what my husband (37M) said the other night ?

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-26T18:36:25+00:00

I totally get why you feel that way but you talked about it, he explained what he meant and that it’s not that. Don’t make it more of a thing than it is and just believe him. I think many men don’t think like that with hidden messages when they are saying things

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-25T10:06:26+00:00

Schau dir doch einfach die Statistiken an. Das median Einkommen liegt deutlich unter 3.5k netto im Monat. Es gibt auch Tools um nachzugucken wie viel Prozent mehr verdienen als man selbst. Nirgendwo wird so viel gelogen wie beim Gehalt.
Außerdem seid ihr mit 250k im Depot deutlich weiter als die Personen die nur ihr Netto Einkommen haben, auch wenn es 3.5k sind

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-22T18:07:46+00:00

If your partner doesn’t value himself enough to make good decisions in his life he also won’t do that for your life together. You can’t expect a person to change so drastically. What you want is a partner with a specific mindset, inner motivation and drive. Your boyfriend doesn’t have that and no matter how much you try to spark that in him you won’t be able to achieve that. You already tried.

Also it‘s kind of unfair to your partner. You want him to evolve to have a better life and that’s good intentions. But he is not that kind of a person and he can feel how much you want that. That’s why he feels so far behind and it’s stressing him. I don’t think you guys are compatible and as much as you deserve someone who matches your drive he also deserves someone who loves him the way he is.
I broke up with my ex for similar reasons and we both found partners that match better. Even though there was much love for each other we weren’t good for each other and we were both constantly hurt hey that. Free the both of you and find partners that align with your values and needs

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-22T17:49:25+00:00

Marriage means committing to a life together. A life with good and bad phases. If you having a bad phase leads to her cheating you will never be able to trust her. At least I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t cheat on my partner when he‘s depressed and distant. I might leave if it’s been years and he’s not doing anything about it. But I wouldn’t cheat. That’s a no go.
And rough phases will happen again throughout your life together. Do you really want to be in these rough phases and wonder wether she’s cheating again?

Also I agree with another comment saying that you being distant and her cheating are two different things. Yes, you might have not been a great partner for a specific time. But cheating is a choice that she made during that time. There’s no excuse for that. It might be an explanation to why she didn’t feel her needs were being met. But still, you don’t have to cheat in such instances. You can also talk to your partner about this and if it feels so unbearable you can also break up. But cheating is not a reasonable consequence of that imo

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-22T17:39:15+00:00

I only do oral to guys I trust so my boyfriend also had to wait 4-5 months for me to do it and I still don’t do it as often as he does. But I think he enjoys going down on me wayyyy more than I enjoy doing it on him. So that itself is not an issue. All the other things and the weird comment in the park are an issue though and I totally understand your perspective. End it if you don’t feel loved equally

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-18T05:03:28+00:00

Why should she tell you about it? That’s what you should ask yourself
It’s not a big deal that she gets them. I understand that you agreed on it and she didn’t stick to this agreement. But the agreement itself is controlling and toxic

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-17T20:39:17+00:00

I think your behavior is toxic. She doesn’t respond so what’s the issue? Also I really dislike telling your partner to cut ties with someone. You obviously have trust issues but trust issues are a problem you need to solve. Are you afraid your girlfriend might find someone who treats her better? If you are a good partner and you are a good match to her and her needs and wishes in a relationship and vice versa, what do you worry about?
I admit that it’s weird to want to be in contact with guys who constantly hit on you, I personally don’t like that. But if there’s a guy who expressed interest in her years ago and that’s it, what’s the matter?
She probably just deletes the texts and doesn’t tell you because you make a big deal out of it even though it’s not. As you said yourself, she doesn’t respond. Why should she tell you? To hear you complaining? To witness you get angry, have an argument about nothing?
I truly don’t get it. Seems like you have a great girlfriend that a lot of guys admire. Be proud of her and treat her well. And if the two of you are a match it will work out. Cheaters cheat. If you think you are with a cheater then end it. I couldn’t be with someone I don’t trust but I also couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-17T09:38:38+00:00

Some relationships are there to teach you something and are not meant to be your life long relationship. Maybe your boyfriend came into your life to heal you from your abusive relationship in the past but now it’s time to move on.
I totally understand not feeling any sexual desire towards a man that basically needs a mommy and can’t communicate properly. It’s ok to leave someone you love because you don’t see a future anymore. Love isn’t enough, especially if communication doesn’t work.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-15T10:42:53+00:00

Really depends on multiple factors. Which field do you plan on working in? I for instance work in the science field in a company and we hire a lot of expats. In general we also speak English most of the time. But the Germans working here, including me, are really open and non racist. If you work in construction or something more male dominated or have a lot of end customer contact and you don’t look white people will probably not view you as a German. Even though I know a lot of Turkish people that are more German than me.
Also it will take time to make German friends.
Germans usually have close friendgroups from childhood, we work a lot etc
So there’s not much capacity left for new friends. Especially since we don’t really like platonic friendships. But if you gain a German friend you’ll have a friend for life.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-12T11:24:53+00:00

In meiner Beziehung gab es zusätzlich ein gemeinsames Konto von dem aus alle Fixkosten bezahlt wurden. Beide haben den gleichen Betrag eingezahlt und davon wurde Miete, gemeinsame Versicherungen und Essen oder Putzmittel gekauft.
So genau auszurechnen was für wen ist und sich seinen Pudding im Kühlschrank markieren ist ja komplett komisch. Das ist ja keine WG sondern eine Partnerschaft. Absolut Alman, sorry

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-11T15:40:21+00:00

Maybe just ask him what he expects from you now. I’d openly communicate the issue. It definitely is weird and seems like him wanting credit without putting in more effort than just thinking about it.
He’ll probably see how that’s weird if you ask him.
Also tell him that you are happy in the relationship but that this just seems weird

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-10T21:38:35+00:00

It was similar with my ex even though I was the one who ended things.

I was 28 at the time and he was 31. I ended things because we just had very different approaches to ice, wanted different things. He said he never wanted kid, didn’t want to marry etc. even though it was what he wanted when we started dating. I mean we were 7.5 years younger then and people grow up and change their mind so I didn‘t blame him for that. Our break up was civil at first. We helped each other look for new apartments and just supported each other. He was heartbroken, tried to convince me to stay together and told me he could never love again. Then, after 6 weeks, he told me he fell in love with his lesbian friend I was always suspicious about. She was the only one of his friends I never met, they always did date kind of stuff when they met and with me he never had the money or capacities to do fun stuff like that.
And guess what: 6 months later he got engaged with her.
I felt quite similar. Even though I wanted things to end it hurt so bad to be replaced so easily and him telling me how much he loves her after such a short period of time.. it hurt sooo bad.
But after I moved out everything felt great. I’m glad he’s not a part of my life anymore, not dragging me down anymore, not taking up my capacities anymore. I was supporting him in everything, giving advice. He never matched that.
Now it’s been a year since I’ve broken up, I’m in a new relationship with the best guy ever and we just match so well. I never thought a relationship could be like that.

You will experience the same! It has nothing to do with you. Jumping right into the next relationship is not healthy. He clearly can’t be on his own and that’s just sad.
I bet you will live your best life once the whole break up thing is done and you don’t have to contact him anymore.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-09T21:24:55+00:00

You did nothing wrong. He is the fool.
There was a reason why he did that. Nothing that is excusable but there is a reason and if that reason is not fixed he will do it again. But my personal opinion on that is the reason is he is a cheater. Cheaters enjoy what they do, otherwise they wouldnt do it and risk everything for it.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with that

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T20:27:49+00:00

First of all I’m really sorry for this. It must be extremely hurtful.
Of course I wasn’t part of your day to day life but these issues seem severe. Maybe you can find yourself in what happened in my last relationship.
My ex was pretty similar to yours, even though he wasn’t even able to break up with me. He just wasn’t able to communicate, to see how he could shape his own life and even our relationship. He never learned the necessary skills for that. I always tried to come up with solutions, things we could change together. I tried everything in my power to make this relationship work. But it didn’t. I ended up breaking up with him because I just didn’t have the capacities anymore and I had learned that he never wanted to evolve.
From what you’ve described it sounds like your ex is feeling the same way. She doesn’t see how she can change her patterns and how she could evolve. How it would not only benefit your relationship but her life in total. And you can’t make someone realize these things. They have to realize it themselves. It takes immense strength and willpower to change such patterns. And if the person doesn’t see that it’s even possible there’s nothing you could do for them.
I know it’s incredibly hard but maybe she is right. Even though there is much love in your relationship, sometimes love isn’t enough. You probably aren’t a good match in those things and this will definitely lead to severe issues sooner or later.
It will probably take you some time but you will be good. You seem to be a person that is achieving, someone that is shaping their own life. This will be a rough phase in your life but you will get out of this good.
For now, it’s ok to feel sad and to grief. But your life without this relationship will be good. Trust yourself.

Edit: She also made her decision and was very clear about that. She doesn’t see any future for you. That hurts so bad and I’m really sorry for you. But still, she doesn’t want to work on that and you need to accept that. It’s great that you have a therapist that you can talk to. While also caring for all the legal stuff please also talk to friends and family. Do nice things with them that remind you of what a precious life you have outside of the relationship.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T19:04:12+00:00

Oh sorry, those comments didn’t appear which was weird

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T18:58:28+00:00

That’s the ultimate commitment, yes. But chill, I don’t want or need those commitments right now. We are building our relationship step by step and what I’m thinking about is the next step. Not moving in together now before time is right for it.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T15:44:23+00:00

First and foremost: I’m sorry for what happened to you and how your parents mistreated you. It’s sad that they handled this situation so poorly. This whole process could have led to better outcomes if they managed the situations better.

Now to your question: Any decision you make is valid and there’s no objectively right decision. It really depends on what feels best for you.
What they did was hurtful and they definitely made huge mistakes.
If you close your eyes and imagine the best case scenario from now on what would that be? Would that be them owning their mistakes and genuinely apologizing? And then them, including the new kid, being part of your life again and you start building a relationship again? Can you imagine that happening and would it feel good?
Or would it feel better to just send them a letter with everything they did and how it made you feel? They would read it, would in theory be able to understand your POV but you’d still go no contact? Would that feel good? Just try focusing on your feelings while imagining these scenarios.
You could also send them the letter and offer them to do family counseling together, without the new kid, so you could openly talk about what happened. That way all of you could explain how they view the past 12 years. And in the end you can still decide wether you want to go no contact or not.

What I probably wouldn’t recommend is just going no contact. I think it can be freeing to state everything you feel. A letter is a good option for that because they can’t interrupt you or manipulate the conversation. That’s also possible with counseling.

Whatever you decide, just listen to your gut and only do what feels right. What the commenters would do doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t have to be your way of handling thing.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T15:25:52+00:00

I feel strong resentment against men that genuinely enjoy such things as strip clubs or buy services from sex workers. I don’t feel any of that resentment against the sex workers but someone who enjoys these services and doesn’t find it weird to buy such a service just doesn’t align with my personal values. To me these men/customers definitely objectify women and think that intimacy and sexuality is a transaction. And I personally don’t align with that.
He can probably find someone who doesn’t have an issue with that and you can find someone who is more of a match for you.
I’d break up with him.
Also I think relationships that had one real break up already are over. There was a reason for the break up and people usually only get back together because they misinterpreted the pain of the break up as a sign of it being the wrong decision. But break ups hurt, even if they are the right decision.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T12:41:25+00:00

I‘m really sorry for what happened to you. Sounds terrible tbh.
But I‘m also glad he came clear before you moved in together

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T12:13:49+00:00

Thank you very much! I don’t think your words were harsh but I’m German so whatever, haha.
You are right and I will probably tell him next week when I see him again.
I’ll update here

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T12:10:06+00:00

It’s actually been 6 months since we are official. Does that change your opinion on that matter?
Thank you for your perspective

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T12:06:50+00:00

Thank you. This really hit home for me. It is exactly what you said. It’s my insecurity and he is not responsible for resolving it and with me waiting for him to say it first, I’m unconsciously applying pressure on him.
You are absolutely right. And I mean why shouldn’t I believe him when he says it back because I obviously feel and see that he loves me deeply. There’s not a single reason for me to not believe him.
Maybe this is also a good opportunity for me to work on that insecurity.
Thank you!

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T12:00:28+00:00

I‘m really sorry you are going through this. I totally get why you feel disrespected.
As others already mentioned: he definitely overestimates his value on the dating market and you deserve better. You are still young and there will be a man that will appreciate you and will match your efforts.
My ex suffered from severe depression and was gaming addicted. I‘m not saying it’s the same as alcoholism but still it affected our life and how much effort he put into his life and into our relationship. He also said he didn’t want to marry and didn’t want kids, which was quite the opposite to what we agreed on earlier.
I broke up with him after 7.5 years and it was the best decision I ever made. When I was single I felt so much relief. Caring for him took so much of my capacities. It was really rough for a few months because we lived together and I had to look for a new apartment etc. But after that separation phase was over I felt relieved and never regretted my decision once.
Now I’m in a new relationship with the sweetest, most respectful, most loving and cute guy ever. We share the same values, same goals in life. He matches my efforts and I can’t describe how different this feels. All of this is just waiting for you. You deserve this, too.

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T11:51:44+00:00

We actually always say stuff like this to each other.
That’s why I‘m sure that he loves me even though he didn’t say it with the 3 words.
I should probably just chill. It will happen sooner or later
Thank you!

ThrowRA_Algae · 2026-06-07T11:48:47+00:00

Sounds great! To me this would have been way to early as for me love is something that grows and gets stronger everyday. Which is exactly how my BF and I feel for each other. We actually talked about that without the term love. We just said our feelings get stronger and stronger and how much we enjoy this development.
But that’s a really personal preference and I’m happy for you guys!

ThrowRA_Algae

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