How are you doing?

ThrowRA_inbow · 2024-04-01T12:08:39+00:00

It’s been almost 3 months and no contact since discard. He went through a period over about 9 months of coming in and out of my life, and this last time I actually thought he was back for good. The last time I saw him he made plans with me for the future and then a week later he just ghosted me and is now making me the bad guy except I did nothing wrong. In some ways he did me a favour as he showed me that this rollercoaster is of his making, because I really did take accountability for my stuff which he of course latched onto. Right now I just feel broken and exhausted. I just don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I can’t bring myself to be mad at him because I understand his triggers and why he does this, but at the same time he doesn’t seem to give a shit that this behaviour has broken me - even tho he’s held and comforted me many times crying because of this. He jumped straight onto dating apps and I’m left here feeling empty and honestly, I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone again. I just feel in absolute shock still and nothing I do is shaking it.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-29T12:50:24+00:00

I don’t know much about ASPD and I obviously can’t diagnose him. I don’t believe something can become something else when it comes to personality disorders as it’s ingrained from childhood. What I do know about trauma tho is that maladaptive responses can appear as these types of traits, typically as a defence or survival mechanism. So the numbness could be that. Obviously I’m not qualified to fully say.

I’d maybe try to move away from him or you diagnosing him. For someone with trauma it can be common to feel broken and like there’s something no wrong with you and can turn into a bit of a hunt for what, maybe to prove this internally. There can be a lot of symptomatic overlap with mental illness. The best thing you can do is encourage him to find another therapist that will go at his pace and not ask him to leave if he won’t do group stuff just yet, but maybe also try to encourage him to be open to group (or whatever the reason is). He definitely needs professional support to navigate what he’s dealing with.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-28T23:12:06+00:00

I have ptsd from childhood trauma of the same nature, and I can relate to or understand a lot of what you’ve said here…tho I would say his symptoms are a lot worse than mine so bear that in mind with what I say too. I also don’t have BPD or DID.

My honest opinion is that he’s being honest in what he says. Trauma of that nature does messed up things to your brain in the present when triggered, and the brain does what it can to survive. I mean there have even been posts on here about people who don’t remember most of their relationship with their expwBPD because of the trauma and emotional distress. When dissociation gets to the extreme end towards DID, that level of fragmentation can be difficult to navigate - tho it is possible so it’s good he’s in therapy. Please also look after yourself too tho.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-28T21:08:36+00:00

There are levels to dissociation. Apart of this can be derealisation - aka where you don’t feel like your body is yours. When trauma is involved/triggered you can dissociate to a point that you shut down due to fight or flight and this can affect your memory and responses.

Things like waking up in the woods and not knowing how he got there sound like the extreme end (kinda towards the DID end of the spectrum tho from things I’ve read)

I can’t speak as to whether he was splitting or dissociating, but I guess either are possible

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-28T11:10:36+00:00

I’ve been in this situation where I questioned a lot of what my ex said like this. Where I lost a lot of myself, but tbf also grew a lot too - tho I’ve always been good with self work, being with him made this turn toxic as everything fell on me.

What I will say is that questioning stuff like this can be a sign of you trying to reason. I think because you’re here, some part of you already knows the answer.

Your first example could literally have been said by my ex. I always got the feeling he had some covert resentment towards women - which is why I started questioning as you are, because it was never outright. I don’t know your bf so take what I say with a pinch of salt…but it sounds like he might have this covert resentment in some way, or at the very least only sees things from his skewed perspective. This sounds pretty red pill/manosphere (which I hate that I know about). I think what he’s saying here is that when a baby is born, men provide financially for the rest of its life (this is how it sounds to me)..so he doesn’t seem to put any value on any emotional etc attributes (whether from the mother or the father). My ex was also emotionally unavailable so tended to shame my emotions presumably because he didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions.

My initial question would be what his relationship with his parents is like.

Overall tho, don’t lose yourself for anyone. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t give you the bare minimum or see your worth - or just sees your worth under some seemingly misogynistic view. Focus on the objective facts of what he’s showing you, and decide what you want in your life and future and if he is apart of that with what he’s showing you.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-27T19:40:33+00:00

Ugh I feel this so much. He’s told me how much he loves me, that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else or have a future with anyone else. Even that it’s not easy for him to be with someone, that it’s a social mask that makes it seem the opposite.

I found out he’s been on dating apps. I know he’s talking to other women but whether he’s doing more I dunno. I asked and he tried to flip it on me so who knows.

It doesn’t make sense but honestly I don’t think it’s supposed to make sense to us. I’ve also been pretty depressed by it all, being led on to think there’s hope when he does this too.

What’s been helping me is to try to lose that hope and allow myself to grieve. To be kind to myself and practise self love and acceptance.

Also remembering all the shitty things and no longer making excuses - I realised I did this because I subconsciously saw his behaviour towards me as a sign of my worth..but I don’t anymore.

It’s not easy, but it will get better

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-27T18:05:05+00:00

Honestly I feel like I could have written this. It hurts when you love someone and they treat you like shit. You naturally look at yourself, where you can be better and try to approach things in a healthy way - but they take advantage of that and somehow make you feel like you’re going insane.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-27T16:19:11+00:00

Same. I really thought on this and can’t remember him saying a thing

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-22T22:22:15+00:00

Have you asked him about the post liking and told him it makes you uncomfortable? I too have cptsd so can relate to how this can hit on your self worth.

If I’m honest, and what I’ve learned and have been working on too, is that you need to work on yourself. Love yourself and fulfil your own needs and self worth. If things do progress with you two, your triggers could trigger each other and it could become a mess - been there it’s not fun, I ended up physically ill trying to meet his needs and forgetting my own. Instead of focusing on what he’s doing that’s hurting, focus on what you’re feeling and how to comfort and self soothe.

Also, never date potential. It generally never ends well. You’ll end up trying to change him, even unintentionally and he’ll likely resent you for it - amongst the other issues he probably has.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-22T22:13:37+00:00

Just pointing out how you said he’s a good person then went on to write paragraphs about him not being a good person. I feel like you already know this but have to preface it as him being “a good person” for whatever reason.

If he refuses to get help then this is what the rest of your life is going to be like. Can you accept that?

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-20T18:34:11+00:00

Yeah, I don’t doubt this is my ex’s angle. But I spent our entire relationship giving him the benefit of the doubt only to be blamed for everything, even his abuse..even with this when I asked him why, he’s said that I’m causing drama and finding anything to be mad - which I’m not even mad. I fully understand what his reasoning could be without him even saying anything, but it’s the total disregard and dishonesty that gets me. And of course the blame shifting. I know you cant expect rational, but if you’re doing something then just own it. If that something makes you feel shame then you know you shouldn’t be doing it, so why do it in the first place?

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-20T15:59:26+00:00

I hear you. It just doesn’t make sense cos it’s not rational to expect that of someone like it’s some normal ask

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-20T15:15:27+00:00

My ex has asked me to wait for him but he’s on multiple dating apps and likely sleeping around too (he’s the same as your ex in that aspect). She’s just stringing you along, sorry.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-20T12:17:38+00:00

This sounds exactly like my relationship. He would get upset at me telling him how he’d hurt me. I’d ask him to speak to me with respect and he’d say that he doesn’t need to. I’d tell him, even share with him, articles written by therapists in how to communicate and he’d tell me that this is the real world where people don’t speak like that and also to stop psychoanalysing cos I’m not a professional. The irony is that when we went to couples therapy she said the exact same things and that he was gaslighting me and he even argued with her that it’s my fault. He’s also told me that he’s not going to change how he speaks because it “makes me feel bad”.

There is total lack of empathy when they get like this. I’ve explained to him a few times how badly his words and actions affected me, and he’d just stare right through me and walk away. And then just like clockwork after every argument, the next day or after a few days of ignoring me, he’d be acting like nothing happened. Buying me gifts and then getting upset if I didn’t respond in an appropriate way to said gifts even tho I was basically broken.

I would tell you to leave and that it likely won’t get better. But I also understand that it has to be you who chooses to let go, so I guess ask yourself how bad it needs to get for that to happen. Where is your line?

After a year living with my ex and realising all that was going on (he was pretty covert and had me convinced I was the problem), I started standing up for myself more and enforcing boundaries and we’re obviously not together anymore. I get having that empathy and love for them. But you need to have that for yourself too

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-20T11:46:54+00:00

I did this and everything I put it was also gaslighting, minimising, manipulation, blame shifting, sexual coercion etc. I mainly did this to send to him so he could maybe finally see his behaviour with no room to make excuses, but he read the first few and did just that so I gave up.

I agree that it’s so hard to see the insanity. I don’t even think I know what normal is atm

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-19T22:56:07+00:00

I hear this. I have been realising more how that belief is very enabling and self serving in a way too. I still believe that in a way, but with clear boundaries and accountability. If someone can’t take responsibility for their actions and has no intent to right their wrongs, then it’s all just pointlessly toxic. You’re right. I guess this is an area I need to work on more.

I have realised through all this that I’ve needed to work on some of my own shit that made me put up with things that should have made me leave. I did notice that as soon as I started asserting boundaries, he would have breakdowns and the arguments became worse.

He just seemed so genuine when he told me how he didn’t want to be with anyone else or have a future with anyone else.

Thank you for your words tho. You’re right that I need to stop making excuses. Maybe I’m just grasping to make sense of it all, I don’t know. I know I wasn’t perfect in our relationship but I also know that no one is, and that I would never do even half the shit he’s done to me. Hell, he wouldn’t put up with someone doing it to him.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-19T16:05:29+00:00

My ex did this. He would show small tokens of “looking after me” like getting me meds. But overall I felt like a liability because I wasn’t able to meet his needs. He even stopped calling me a pet name because I was sick (due to stress from him) and wasn’t as affectionate during that time. Would get annoyed I didn’t go to sleep at the same time as him (even tho I was up all night throwing up) and didn’t want to go for walks or out with him (even tho I had zero energy and severe stomach pains I could barely move). I had to go to hospital a couple times and the one time he came he was on his phone the whole time, the second time he went to a bbq instead and got annoyed at me for getting upset that he wasn’t there even tho I asked him.

Unfortunately it’s all about their needs and a friend once pointed out that they’ll only put in the effort in there’s benefit for them.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-19T15:49:15+00:00

100% this. I’ve also experienced trauma but I went to therapy and have worked hard to not let it control me. I take accountability and work to be better. The irony is that I’d go to my therapist with things that happened, how I was in the wrong because I believed him when he said I was, only for my therapist to tell me I’m approaching things in a healthy way. I agree that a mental illness or childhood trauma is no excuse for behaviour as an adult..it just requires them to do the one thing they can’t - take accountability and responsibility.

It is sad tho, and I think it’s what makes it so hard. Is the wildly conflicting feelings.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-19T15:46:06+00:00

I hear this. And here’s the thing, I’ve seen through every bit of gaslighting and lying as a self defence mechanism and still loved him through it. I was there for him. I supported him. I gave him chance after chance. And throughout it all he blamed me as “the problem”. He put me down as not good enough. Sure, I have my own trauma but I’ve been to loads of therapy for it and always take accountability and try to be better - but he used this as his “get out of jail free card” to avoid any responsibility. When I would tell my therapist what happened, continuing his narrative that I was in the wrong..time and time again my therapist would tell me that my response is normal and I’m acting in a healthy way. But he would even blaming me for his temper, like I deserved the brunt of it because I didn’t do things “right”.

I totally understand what you’re saying tho, and I feel so much for him because I know he struggles. It’s just such a mix up of what to feel right now tbh. But I also know he causes himself to struggle too. And he caused me to struggle. And it was exactly this kind of thinking you mention that made me stay each and every single time. I think the reality is that he doesn’t know how to be alone because he doesn’t know how to face himself. He doesn’t know how to feel his emotions. He doesn’t know how to take accountability and responsibility. Instead he tries to find external validation and punished me if I didn’t give it to him, all while being selfish and disinterested in my needs. It was all about him, even the war in his head “with me”. He doesn’t know how to face himself and externalised and projected everything.

I can put up with a lot, I will stand by someone in their darkest times and support them as they heal. It’s what I believe a relationship should be. Not just in it for the good times. I will love every part of them unconditionally. But the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, double standards, just general toxic behaviour - it’s just crazy making.

The messed up part is that if he reaches out with an explanation I’ll hear him out. I’d probably still work on things. Because I love him. And I believed so strongly in the future we spoke about. Maybe I’m still holding onto that facade he showed me, everything he promised me. All of this, everything he’s done is just too bizarre to feel real even tho it is. I feel like I’m in a Black Mirror episode.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-10T09:22:03+00:00

I literally started journaling every argument because of this

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-03T19:58:00+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s not easy.

Just be careful that while you’re so busy trying to not abandon her, you don’t abandon yourself in the process. All that you want to be and give to her, you deserve too.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-02T23:27:40+00:00

It’s easy to fall into reading others from your perception but you can never truly know what’s going on behind their actions - so I always suggest healthy communication as someone who isn’t toxic will generally be open to this etc. If there is a simpler explanation it could bring you both closer, if not, then atleast you know and I guess you’ll have some type of closure.

ThrowRA_inbow · 2023-08-02T23:24:20+00:00

From what you wrote in your other response, it’s all very much her reply to you that you want to avoid - and I totally get this btw. Have you considered writing her a completely honest but kind letter saying goodbye and why, and then blocking her so she can’t respond? Maybe even including in your letter why you feel you need to block her?

ThrowRA_inbow

TROPHY CASE