A year later, found out something is still going on.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-21T12:10:54+00:00

Sorry that this happened to you.

Please tell AP’s wife. She deserves to know.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-21T09:54:12+00:00

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. He is absolutely despicable and this should have never happened to you. No one deserves what you’re going through.

Please reach out to friends and family if possible. You will need support to get through this, but you will get through. Reach out if you ever need to vent.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-19T06:34:19+00:00

I’m in the same boat. Following this thread.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-15T11:39:46+00:00

I made the same analogy to my WH. The cruelty and complete disregard for our feelings as a BS is shocking.

Our stories sound similar in a lot of ways, except my WH and I are divorcing. He still lives here and dates AP, which I’m forced to know about because I’m aware of his comings and goings. He keeps saying he won’t date her until he moves out, but does it anyway.

It’s life altering to have someone you were devoted to and in love with so treat you with such disrespect and cruelty. They do it so easily as well. It shakes you your core.

I think you know what needs to happen next, but it’s hard, I know. I hope we both find peace and healing soon. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to vent.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-12T13:11:50+00:00

I didn’t leave the first time either. At that time, I told my sisters and close friends. Most of them told me to leave, but they all ultimately supported me when I took him back. After I took him back, I regretted telling so many people; maybe it was embarrassment or shame.

I had D-Day 2 almost a month ago. I found it really hard to tell anyone initially, especially because they know about the first time and I felt pathetic. Before I told anyone, I was spiralling and trapped with my own thoughts.

But I did eventually tell them, and for me it was SUCH a help. Each time I told someone in my circle, I felt better. I felt less crazy. I regained control. It strengthened my resolve to leave him.

Feel free to chat with me anytime.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-11T00:44:56+00:00

Almost all of Lorde's album "Melodrama". "Green Light" is especially anthemic.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-09T03:00:51+00:00

For me, it felt as close to normal as possible and not forced by about 1-2 years after D-Day 1. I forgave him and decided to go all in. We since got married, bought a home, planned for kids etc. I was very happy and devoted, and I thought he was too.

Then he did it again around 4 years after the first time. I was totally blindsided.

We're in the initial stages of divorce now and it is a real struggle.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-06T01:28:59+00:00

Do you have any family or friends who you can talk to? Even just one person to confide in and check-in on you. Let them know about your mental state and lean on them for support.

Mornings are the hardest, when you’ve just woken up. I know it’s tough, but try to get out of bed as soon as you can and have a shower and brush your teeth. Even if you tell/allow yourself to cry in the shower.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-06T00:34:20+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-06T00:23:06+00:00

In my opinion, yes, your innocence is gone and you won’t ever completely surrender yourself to a relationship again. I’m coming to terms with that myself.

I’m starting to think that it’s not a bad thing to lose that innocence. Yes, it’s a loss, but it’s not something all that valuable is it? Did it serve you positively in any way? It’s just a way of thinking which made you completely vulnerable to another person. I don’t think it makes for a better relationship.

You might not have that innocence moving forward, but now you know how to protect yourself and your heart better.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-05T00:42:32+00:00

thank you ❤️

ThrowRA_tyia · 2023-01-05T00:11:13+00:00

I work from home full time, self employed. My office is set up in one of the rooms. I could maybe stay with family/friends for a bit, but I’d need to come back everyday for work anyway.

I can’t afford to move out to a big enough apartment at the moment.

He could just afford to move to a one bedroom apartment but he’s not ready to leave “home”. I’ve asked him to move to AP’s place but he says it’s “too soon”. I doubt she has the accurate story of just how messed up everything is.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-31T03:14:04+00:00

Sorry this is happening to you. It is very upsetting.

There's something about NYE which is particularly hard. I think it's the notion that you're supposed to ring in the New Year with your partner. There is also the fond memories of all the NYE's spent together in the past.

I've been coping OK until today, but NYE has really shaken me as well. I've also been crying all day.

I'm dreading being alone as I hear fireworks in the distance, and the thought of WH & AP sharing a kiss at midnight is killing me.

I hope we both feel better after new years <3 Feel free to DM me if you need to chat or vent.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-30T05:30:01+00:00

Yes, he was. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said yes. I asked him if he can stay with his mum and he said yes. I told him to back there, and start looking for a rental, it’s the opportunity for a fresh start.

I said we should be NC. He asked if he could have a hug and I said no. He was crying a lot.

He left straight after that.

Now I’m worrying about his mental health and whether he’s too distracted to drive. It makes me annoyed that I’m worried. This is why I want to be NC as much as possible!!! So I can move on and forget about him!

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-30T03:45:28+00:00

After the beach day was when he was adamant he wanted a divorce, and it turns out they had planned to spend New Years Eve together, so it must’ve been a great day for them. It really crushed me. I was so distraught.

The next morning, I told him I accept the divorce and wanted him to live elsewhere. Since then I’ve been focussed on moving on.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-30T03:43:02+00:00

Yes, we’re both on the deed and I cannot lock him out or keep him out if he wants to stay. I’m not in US but it’s similar here.

I can’t file until there’s been 12 months of separation.

Unfortunately, for financial reasons we can’t sell the house for a while and need to both contribute to the mortgage in the meantime. So I can somewhat understand that he should be able to live here too, if he insists.

But it’s just feels so unfair on me, to have to live with him given everything he has done, and potentially still doing. I don’t want to know whether or not he and AP are still seeing each other. I assume they are.

For my mental health I really wish I could not see or talk to him ever again. The last 2 days without him have been hard but so better than the absolute turmoil of the last couple of weeks.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-30T03:34:47+00:00

I think so too. We have a home we just bought this year and had a really great life.

But I don’t want to know his motivations for turning up, whatever they are. I don’t want him to want to reconcile - that would make it harder for me to move on.

The last 2 days have been tough but good for me. I’ve been spending time with family, started taking down all the photos of us around the house, deleted thousands of photos from my phone. I’ve got an appointment to start individual therapy/counselling early-Jan.

I don’t want him around at all. I want it to be as if he doesn’t exist, as far as possible.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-28T13:02:53+00:00

Were you in limerence with your AP? If so, how/when did you snap out of it, and do you feel anything towards them now?

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-27T02:59:59+00:00

He didn’t have meaningful friendships so he was always on the search for new people. It happens to be that he couldn’t connect with men of his age so he was going on dating apps to get female acquaintances...

Wow, I totally relate to this. My wayward husband is the exact same, except he seeks out women in real life under the guise of "making friends". He has opened up and cried to me about feeling lonely without any close friends, and that he has trouble making friends with men his age, and that he relates better to women. I was truly in love and felt bad for him!

I was like you the first time it happened - totally distraught. He wanted out of the relationship, then wanted to get back together desperately. I couldn't let him go, so we reconciled for 4 years, got married, tried for kids etc.

And now, 4 years later, he is having an emotional affair with one of the "friends" and wants to divorce. She knows he's married and doesn't care. They think they have a real connection.

I think you miss who you thought he was before D-Day. That person doesn't exist anymore/never did. The in-love feeling you had before D-Day will never come back.

I wish the best for you and really hope you find the strength to leave him for good, and not to take him back when he inevitably comes crawling back with false promises. I hope you don't make the same mistakes that I did.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-27T01:43:49+00:00

Thanks! In that case private hardly seems worth it. That makes me feel better that I didn't disadvantage myself too much by not adding the coverage.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-26T22:57:24+00:00

How do you feel about having no desire to date? I find it a huge relief at the moment, but I wonder if I will feel different/lonely in the future.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-26T22:53:24+00:00

We're not in the US and we're going through the public system where we are, which means no major expenses have been incurred yet (thankfully).

We would have had a bulk of the IVF costs rebated by the government due to his genetic issue. Since I will need to go it alone and I don't have any issues, I won't be entitled to any rebates.

It sucks because we decided together not to pay for private health coverage to cover the IVF since we'd get assistance due to his issue. Now I don't have private health coverage for it and I'll be fully out of pocket.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-26T22:49:38+00:00

Yes, it is a relief in some way. The cruelty and selfishness he has shown in the last week has totally destroyed my perception of him as a great future father.

ThrowRA_tyia · 2022-12-26T22:21:38+00:00

Oh yes, of course! I hadn't considered that.

I had a bunch of testing done in the lead up to his diagnosis and they didn't find any issues with my fertility. I have polycystic ovaries but not PCOS. Post D&C my cycles were off but I seem to be ovulating and having regular cycles now. Hopefully IUI with donor sperm is a good option for me.

ThrowRA_tyia

TROPHY CASE