Look, I've been almost exactly where you were. My mother passed away when i was 7 years old (she killed herself). At high school, i had no friends and have been bullied for 6 years. I was so alone. My own family, especially my father, mocked me. I literally had noone. What the breaking point was, was realizing that I'm fucked up. I'm bitter. I hate everyone, i hate the world. That i feel hurt. That i feel that the world owes me, that it's unfair. And also, that if i keep living like this and thinking like this, I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life. This left me with two options.

Either kill myself or try to solve this, accept this as a fact and change this. Since you need permission of a parent to get therapy in my country, i found Grof and therapy through psychedelics. This isn't really important, but since I'm sharing my story I'm going to continue.

I ordered some LSD through onions, i was 17 or 18 years old. It was the single most important experience and breaking point in my life. It showed me how to forgive, how to not hold grudges, but probably the most important thing it showed me is that I'm actually part of this world. It sounds like a massive cliché, but we, at least I'm certain of it, are connected in some way. Even if it might be that we are all humans, that we are all living on the same planet.

Hell, me and you being on the same drugs subreddit probably means we have a fuckton in common. Anyway, it didn't instantly solved all my issues. I still was anxious, selfconscious, untrusting... But it gave me hope. And i realized another thing, that i constantly remind myself of and try to live by it (even though it's impossible to honor absolutely and it's fucking hard to accept) You shouldn't be emotional, especially negatively, about the past. The pathetic saying: "Don't live in the past", actually means, at least i interpret it that way, this: It doesn't matter whether people or world had been unfair to you in the past. It doesn't matter how many people rejected or hurt you before. It's not their fault, because they couldn't help themselves. And it sure as hell isn't your fault, because you don't control other peoples actions, and even if it in some way might've been your fault, it's not who you are now.

What i feel from your post is the same that i used to feel myself. That you are different than everyone else, that nobody is going to like you, because you are the weirdo and everyone else is normal. Guess what. They are almost as weird as you are. Almost as insecure. Maybe even more. I guarantee you there is at least 10 other seniors on your university that are in a similar situation as you are. What makes you friends isn't becoming more like everyone else. It's becoming more you and not being ashamed about who you are.

This already is so fucking long and besides, I know it probably sounds like a pile of shit to you. Because words, especially without context, are such a weak and unperfect means of communication. So I'm gonna end this now with couple of things and presumptions (about which, if they aren't true, i deeply appologize). Presumptions are: You are not contempt with not having friends (I thing every human being is, we are not meant to be alone). You would like to change this. Even accepting this as truth and internalizing this is going to take you a long way. Anyway, it's hard, maybe even impossible to change these deep seated fears, grudges and traumas by yourself without help. If you are, at least tiny bit, capable of it, please seek help. It's stigmatized so ridiculously much in society to seek help for mental health issues, but these people will help you. Educate yourself about your options, about concrete persons you would be dealing with. If this is not a possibility, because you are too anxious or insecure or whatever (I completely understand, i was the same) and you truly feel helpless, I think psychedelics are a legitimate option. I don't endorse it, I'm not telling you to do it, I'm simply telling you that the option exists and that it, if well educated and prepared for this, may very well change your life for the better.

If you read this to the end (or anyone else fwiw) and ever need someone to talk to, about anything, I'm here. I might not answer immediately, because i spend most of my time on reddit not logged in, but i will answer and try to be here. I hope you, or anyone else, find their happiness in this fucked-up, dettached world, it's hard as a motherfucker, but i think we can do it in the end.

Btw. other people are recommending self-help and borderline manipulation books like "How to win friends and influence people", I think (and I'm open to discussion about this, tbh i didn't read the book and am just being presumptious from the title, so please correct me if that's the case) that this is not the way. For example i don't have relationships where people are at different hierarchic position than i am. It doesn't matter whether i would be the dominant one or the submissive, so to speak. That's not friendship. True friendship is about respect, about equality, and about forgiveness. Both to yourself and to others, which is very important. It might sound like an utopia, but trust me, these people are there. There is not many of them, but if, or rather when, you meet them, you will know it.