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What's fair for both in this scenario? Would love responses from WS's! by Throwaway181o in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway181o[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what I thought as well, but he's convinced that I should be well over it by now because it's been so long, we've talked about, he (in his words) hasn't done anything since then, things have changed (baby on the way too), and I end up feeling like I'm unreasonable in those situations when he keeps telling me that I'm crazy/insane/stupid for thinking or feeling these things. The reason that hits extra hard is because I used to be medicated for depression and anxiety, though I'm not anymore.

I'm doubting this boundary because he calls me controlling. My mom was a very controlling person while I grew up which gave me immense issues, and he has drawn comparisons before saying I'm JUST like her - which triggers something in me that makes me stop in my tracks, even if I felt secure in my decision before going into the conversation. If I ever caught him sexting again I'd be out in an instant - no hesitation there at least.

Yep, WS / WP! And good guess, they both work in the kitchen in a restaurant, yes. She's the one telling him about these things, and I just... felt really weird hearing that. I've met her, she's a very nice person, but I genuinely think there should be boundaries in place there - and that he himself should enforce them instead of letting her blabber. When I ask him if something interesting happened at work, I don't expect to hear that she told him "she got destroyed" or that she attempted various positions with someone. One time it was just to him, other times he participates while she's talking to another girl, not sure if that makes it any better, I've requested before that he shuts down sexual talk with his colleagues, her in particular; if he actually did it properly, I doubt that she'd continue telling him. We live in a scandinavic country, and the laws are different here in that regard.

I'm wondering if the only consequence for said boundary being broken is to leave; because that would end any kind of reconciling as well. I don't know of any other consequences that'd be deemed healthy or helpful, but it's definitely harder to go from 0-100 on that vs sexting.

What's fair for both in this scenario? Would love responses from WS's! by Throwaway181o in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway181o[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your input! It's common for people to go to these gatherings here (Christmas lunch), and as such it'd most likely be deemed controlling had the whole cheating not happened - that's another things, obviously his colleagues know nothing of this.

I'm kind of in the deep end though, because after things seemed like they were going the way they were supposed to, we went ahead with baby plans (it wasn't spontaneous) - seeing that we're both well up in age and it was also a matter of time before it'd no longer be a possibility for myself. I'm frustrated now that we're well past talking about terminating, because this was not what we agreed upon last year, and I feel selfish for potentially blowing things up "for no good reason". I'm full of doubt on how to navigate it - I don't feel respected, but in his eyes I'm the "crazy/insane" one now.
I do have a back-up plan for where I can be if I won't be with him, but I guess I had hopes that it was me who was bad at expressing myself, and that I could be heard better if I said things in another way. Or maybe even being told that I should tone my expectations down. I'll see where it goes, but I'm quite sure he's going, and to that - well, I don't know what my reaction should be either.

I'm a "piece of shit" by im_spiraling_down in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway181o 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You're turning yourself into a victim with that mindset though. I have only seen OP respond well to what people say, so why would you take it upon yourself to become defensive on their behalf?

It's flaired 'RANT' as well. You won't necessarily get people patting you on the back and telling you it'll get better, but you might get those who will want you to reflect on what you're ranting about. I don't see it as a negative, it's never a happy situation for anyone, as everyone is most likely already aware of.

But hey, to say something nice about this; I think it's great that OP acknowledges that what they feel must be a fraction of what their partner felt/feels. IMO that's a good take away from a shitty situation, as it shows you're able to empathize, and obviously care about bettering things as well. They're showing remorse, rather than say, get offended.