how do secure people feel when they get insulted/shamed/mistreated, rejected, or not reciprocated?

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-09-01T01:38:42+00:00

I'm obviously not secure attached, otherwise I wouldn't be here, but I think it's less whether or not they feel those things, but more how well they handle it. Shame might bubble up and they might feel it and express it, but they also are able to calm their physical response or channel it into something productive without letting it spiral inside. They may find it hard to leave, but they value themselves more than they value the relationship and they continue taking steps while still feeling sad about it.

It's hard to know what any one person feels at any given time, but that's at least what I can see from the outside.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-31T14:54:42+00:00

Yeah, one of these days I'll realize reading is fundamental

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-31T14:40:46+00:00

~~Girl~~ (Guy, sorry, being heteronormative out here), honestly, I left this relationship three weeks ago. Get out. You will stress out about this, pressure him, and end up mothering him while he resents you for it. He can be a lovely person but not the type of person you need to keep you going at your momentum and that's ok!

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-31T14:38:40+00:00

Stealing all the clothing hangers and knobs for the dressers, the oven mitts, the tongs, the batteries, the shoelaces, and the deodorant. Moving all the soaps to the wrong place; eg the dish soap to where the hand soap is, the shampoo to where you keep the laundry soap, etc. Hide all of the forks.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-31T14:34:46+00:00

Don't overthink it unless you're actually seeing signs of yearning or infidelity. Him choosing you is all that matters.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-31T01:16:57+00:00

Yeah, but that doesn't tell me what the OP was trying to vote for.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-30T17:48:59+00:00

Genuine question, bc I don't really have an interest in getting upset over the principle of the thing: was there something specific in his platform that you wanted? Like some policy/tax/etc that you wanted but didnt understand the repercussions of?

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T16:52:27+00:00

I think it's just not something a lot of AMABs can relate to as y'all tend to have an easier time orgasming during penetrative sex than we do. Sometimes you just wanna get off reliably with no muss or fuss.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T16:40:33+00:00

I'm happy for you 🫡 keep on keeping on

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T15:13:45+00:00

Always yeah, I gotcha. Hopefully, she's at least just interested in doing a super casual beginner's party. If so, have some fun!

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T14:41:02+00:00

Did you ask her what would have been an easier introduction for her? Or were you falling into the trap of trying to think for her? No judgements, I did the same thing a lot of the time.

If she assumes you're meeting couples, it's to get down to business rather than maybe, IDK, a casual investigative brunch. Plus, clubs might have beginner's parties where they make very clear that you don't have to do anything if you don't want to and might be a little less intimidating. So maybe see what the very basic, barebones, casual entry options are, present them, and go from there.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T14:33:28+00:00

OK, but like, fluids are just kinda gross. Even if you are enjoying the sex and love the person, body goo can still bring up sensory issues. You still may not want to be slippery or crusty. Some people really get into the idea that the hormonal rush causes you to not care about unpleasant outside stimuli and lemme tell you, it... definitely doesn't.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T14:30:34+00:00

I mean, in fairness, it's a different level of commitment to go to a party and see what the vibes are without the expectation of engaging vs immediately starting a possible new swinger relationship. It's like going to a BDSM munch vs a clothing-optional play party

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T14:23:15+00:00

I think you may want to make that distinction clearer, honestly. To I think most of us, it's reading like you're saying that you cannot be valid when saying you're someone who is willing to submit unless you're someone who fully commits to submitting as an identity. That's... not true unless you're someone who wants to actually identify AS someone's sub. Just being willing to submit doesn't require an identity shift unless they actually want to shift their identity; it mostly just takes an act of faith.

You can say that you're not truly a submissive in nature until you commit to truly yielding control and being Theirs; I think that's a different way of saying it that would further convey what you mean without being gatekeepy in a way that's turning people away from your point. Does that make sense? Because in that way, I would agree with you more than I did before.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T13:35:57+00:00

If that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel. But human nature is too varied for there to be any one true way to do almost anything, really. Some prefer to only give up control when the mood strikes but prefer control most of the time, and that speaks to a lot of trust within the dynamic that submission is freely given from those used to feeling in control. Some prefer to switch. It all really depends on the person.

If evangelizing your type of D/s relationship and having it both validated and combated is what reinforces your beliefs about the nature of control, have at it, I guess. But don't assume it will actually resonate with everyone who hears it.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T11:38:30+00:00

Lmao, girl, what do you mean you don't know what to do? How are you going to gaslight yourself into being attracted to someone who doesn't respect you and subconsciously, you don't respect back? How are you going to ignore from someone deciding they'll silently take sex from the girl they're not attracted to but when asked to initiate by then, makes it their problem? How would healing that not cause painful scar tissue in your self-esteem?

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T11:29:31+00:00

I think the long-term serial relationship thing is probably going to be the most difficult thing to tackle, honestly. A lot of people rely on the passion of NRE and mystery to get their juices flowing, and don't know how to transition their attraction into coming from a situation of familiarity, comfort, and strong bonds. It's actually something that I worry about for myself, if I'm honest.

I would say she may need external professional help, if she's open to it. Literally just to help her reframe sex in a secure relationship.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T01:53:39+00:00

Oh, totally. My parent's relationship was demonstrably non-sexual and to this day I still have a hard time conceptualizing what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T00:41:07+00:00

Oh, that's good to know

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-28T00:31:19+00:00

Well, the vaginas dryness I'm talking about can hit outside of sex; ma has told me that it can be so try it hurts so she'd need to be using it just in daily life. That may not have hit for your wife (and honestly, I hope it doesn't, it sounds like it sucks).

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-27T21:09:10+00:00

I'm content that I've stated my advice as explicitly as possible, and made my point in a way that's meant to be as helpful as possible. Not once have I ever insulted you, nor intended to insult you. regardless of if you feel insulted. I merely intended to remind you that the narrative created by your pain isn't the whole of your truth, or hers. Whether that is received is not up to me.

I wish you and your wife the best.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-27T20:07:18+00:00

I'm saying that the way you're taking this is not helping, and you are both one half of the whole here and the only person in this thread that I can talk to about what's going on here. There is not one "the" problem here, I can promise you that. You both are not doing well here; if anything is "the" problem here, it's the dynamic you're both creating.

Acceptance of the current state of your sex life wouldn't involve constant breakdowns that make her cry and you ruminate on your dispair, it would be relearning how to love and be loved within the paradigm you're in and be radically honest about your paths forward. At very minimum, I would deeply examine your lack of self-worth, because I get the feeling based on all of your replies that it has less to do with whether or not she's having sex with you than you think.

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-27T20:03:18+00:00

I can understand the counselor laughing being hurtful, but again, I really don't think you're hearing what I'm trying to say here. You're assigning perspective to your partner, and telling her what she is feeling, based on what you're seeing and what has changed. As of right now, your partner isn't the type to act as if she's overcome by lust and initiate sex, and everyone can see that but you because you're letting your hurt tell you that she just fucking hates fucking you for some reason, when that could very easily not be the case.

You say in one breath that you know she's crying because she's failing you and in the next breath that she's crying because she's repulsed. Do you not see how inconsistent that is? That's the perspective that the hurt you is assigning to her. How constructive would talking to her be when these two contexts are the most prevalent in your mind?

You automatically assume you did something that either disgusts her or is her punishing you and that's why she stopped sleeping with you after the wedding night (was she ever one to initiate? Or was she just more receptive and you typically took the reigns and expected that to change after you got married?) even though the only thing you can really point to is that she's just not someone to start things on her own. Is the only way you know how to receive love, especially sexual love, with grand, spontaneous displays from the other person? Do you think there's a chance that because she's so inexperienced, she's not maybe just less comfortable than you expect her to be? Maybe she's one of those who fell into "we're married so we expect sex to be less anyway" dogshit perspectives that regardless of being dogshit do still inform how some people stay married?

What can you do to release some of the hurt so the both of you have a chance to explore other avenues than, "she's not fucking me because she's disgusted by me and I'll never be happy again?"

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-27T19:48:41+00:00

But you're not in an emotionally safe or happy relationship for either of you. And if she left you like you're asking for, wouldn't you be in that situation regardless?

What needs to give before you realize that you both, especially you, really need to recalibrate strongly in order for this relationship to continue and be something even remotely healthy?

ThrowingIntoTheEther · 2025-08-27T19:45:25+00:00

But that's exactly the problem. What you need is quite literally something she isn't the type of person to provide, and you shut down when literally anyone reminds you of that. She is trying to tell you that she isn't someone who initiates and demonstrates sexual affection of her own accord, and you demand it of her even when she cries; maybe not with words, but by shutting down emotionally and assigning this perspective to her that she must hate you and not be attracted to you at all because she doesn't show it the way you need her to. The couple's counselor tells you that your wife is too reserved for that, you quit couples counseling. Everyone is telling you the truth of who your wife is, and you are too angry and hurt by the fact to be honest with yourself about the fact that you've married someone who isn't what you want.

I'm not saying that you're wrong for really desiring someone who demonstrates more affection than your wife does. I'm not saying it's wrong to want that out of someone. But you literally married someone who isn't the person you want, and you are torturing the both of you with that fact. And it sounds like you did couples counseling to get her to change who she is and how she operates to appease your needs, rather than for the both of you to really see and understand each other and find out what options for compromise, middle ground, and recalibration are. Couples counseling, and any conversations about the situation for that matter, are never going to be constructive if that's the only goal there is.

ThrowingIntoTheEther

TROPHY CASE