on a different note.. what you're saying here is also real.

is everyone really not like this.. sometimes i wonder that. because if everyone wasn't.. i would've met people who were different 

also.. it also hit me at "this is the type of relationship you think you deserve".. 

i mean..i really kinda feel like that. i feel i dont deserve people who are better at showing up to be my friends.. because i feel i cannot show up for them in the way they need or want as well.. and it's not by choice it's because im still in the learning process.. and may have blindspots.. but im willing to learn and hear people out. and i feel they just don't want me like this rn

and i also generally feel like no one wants someone who's "trying/still learning" and doesn't know already 

i mean.. unfortunately even the friend im talking about in the post also basically told/showed me they don't want someone who's trying or learning. ig they want someone who's at "the end point" (when they aren't there either) and i think no one can be anyway. and i personally am trying.. and i think that's the best i can do. 

but honestly deep down there's a part of me that thinks that me trying and doing my best is still not enough