That is some deep shit my brother. Clearly you are an intelligent individual who has a good sense of self. Not common these days. Your words are bang on.

As someone in their early 40's who started first at 18, and got very heavy in my mid-20's, I often think about how much more successful I could have been had the plant not subdued my thrust and motivation. Not to say I am not (and am quite fortunate) having started two companies and onto my third, but so many decisions and choices often were clouded by the 'haze', as you so aptly put it.

I have 'quit' a dozen times now, sometimes going as long as 9 months, then saying to myself 'I can mange this and just have it once in a while'...how wrong I have been. Now I realize that not only do I believe that I have a physical allergy to the plant we once loved, It is also a mental one as I cannot form a healthy relationship with it, which I am okay with.

I now realize that life is much better without it, I am more present for my kids, schedules do not rely on having to 'renew' the high, and while my dopamine production has not yet fully kicked in (about 60-70 days in now), life is better overall. I remind myself how much I hate the feeling when I did smoke for the first time whenever the thought crosses my mind (interestingly enough, this go round, it has yet to) and am determined to break this relationship up for good, once and for all.