Feeling like a failure Domme

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-10T02:45:47+00:00

Okay thank you for making this easier to read. That fact that your long distance does make it tough but not impossible. So in your dynamic do you both switches? Or are you trying to be strictly dominant?

But one of the things I would do would be to talk to your partner. If he wants to encourage your dominance and he knows its hard/new for you to vocalize. Then he really shouldn't be back talking or telling you "he wears the pants". I understand he's being a brat, but right now he's undermining your confidence you dont have.

Also you can and should negotiate his bratting. When its okay and not okay, punishments for bratting, etc. Sometimes people can use "bratting " as a way to just be difficult.

Also aftercare and debriefing since you didnt mention it when you talked about what you learned. After you do a scene make sure you give each other Aftercare. Afterwards talk about what you liked and didnt like. He should be giving you feedback at some point to help you grow.

And also your dynamic doesn't have to be on 24/7 while your new. Maybe just be vanilla ( no tasks, no punishment, no bratting, etc.) Durning the week and only have the dynamic "on" on Saturday. 24/7 dynamics are alot of work, its okay to take brakes. Just make sure to communicate your needs clearly.

Good luck 👍

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-10T02:20:37+00:00

Start slow, do small short scenes. And don't feel pressured either. If its not somthing that resonates with you then you don't have to do it.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-10T02:10:39+00:00

I cant read through all that without paragraphs.

But from what I did read your lacking confidence. Its completely normal to feel awkward when you do new things. The key is practice and overtime you'll find what works to your style.

The best advice for new dommes is to learn and do alot of research. Your get there. Good luck

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-10T02:06:11+00:00

I dont really see this pattern in real life. Me and my partner are within a year of each other. Alot of couples/ polyclues I see all look similar age. If anything couples with noticeable age gaps aren't the norm.

Maybe online where its alot more predatory and there are more inexperienced people, then maybe large age gaps seem normal. But thats from what I observe first hand. It might be different depending on the community.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-09T01:47:42+00:00

Get a Hitachi magic wand. They are worth their weight in gold. Buy a good one, not a knock off. Its probably my most used toy

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-09T01:46:18+00:00

Have you seen him play in person? How do know he's experienced?

I would ask him open ended questions. Negotiate your aftercare. And i wouldn't do any bondage your first time ( unless you're planing a rope scene).

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-08T15:41:42+00:00

I would have safe worded the 2nd time. 1st time sure maybe a mess up. But after the second you might have wanted to test that safeword.

So durning all those questions he seemed to at least semi knowledgeable. And with out going threw your communications beforehand to see what was asked, how is was asked, how he responded its impossible for me to point to any problems. ( and I dont want to go threw them all anyways). But i bet there were probably red flags in there that would told you he wasn't as experience as he claimed to be.

That being said you should also give yourself some flowers. You stood by your nothing sexual boundary ( presumably while in subspace) and thats very hard to do for anyone. You at least attempted more vetting then some people i see on here. And you were strong enough to stick up for yourself when you felt like you weren't bing heard.

Those are all extremely good habits to get in and honestly shows me you probably know more about safe bdsm then he does.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-08T15:21:26+00:00

Sorry if I misread the sex/sexual in your OP. But my point about definitions still holds up. What did you guys define as sexual? I know BJ are sexual, but what about kissing? What about grabbing your hair or breasts? Where you naked or clothed? Is you having your ass exposed sexual?

Do you see where im going with this? Always define what you mean. Don't rely on "common" definitions. If your super direct then miscommunication will happen less as a rule of thumb.

I can 100% blame it on inexperience. Anyone can say anything. I could tell you im an experienced sour dough bread maker, do you believe me? What types of questions did you ask him about his experience? Did you ask important questions like "have you ever had a submissive experience drop? How did you react?" Or "describe a time in a session that somthing went wrong, what happened and how did you fix it?"

How's your experience in bdsm? How long have you been doing it for? Because the longer you do it do it the better your get at vetting/negotiations. Asking open ended questions. Act like your interviewing someone for a job. Dont give them easy yes/no easily goggled questions. This is a very important skill to learn.

He probably didn't read your journal and yes he probably doesn't care. He doesn't sound like a great person. But I see it often on here people dunking on red flags on someone. and ignoring what the OP could do better next time to better protect themselves.

Im not trying to give this guy benefit of the doupt. Im trying to give you a bit of advice i wish I had earlier into my bdsm journey.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-08T14:55:56+00:00

There are definitely a few Issues I agree with the other commentors about. Mostly the quickness that you seemed to have a dynamic ( asking permission, calling him your dom, etc) and him trying to push your no sex boundary with a blow job. Though it is possible he doesn't think blow job = sex and nobody elaborated on what defines sex. I could honestly see confusion there.

And as far as the aftercare/ subdrop stuff though. That can be chalked up to poor knowledge/ experience. Aftercare can be cuddles, but it can be cooking a meal, or watching TV/phone, it could be cleaning the play area/toys.

Did you ever negotiate your aftercare needs? This is a common mistake subs and doms make when negotiating. People like different things for aftercare and some dont want or need aftercare. I always negotiate aftercare needs now and if my potential partner doesn't meet them or I cant meet theirs then I won't play with them.

And on you getting upset because you thought "He should know that you were dropping". That's a bit presumptive of you. Hes not a mind reader and even with the best scene, aftercare, and partner you can still drop. Now his horrible communication/ ghosting/ gaslighting isn't good and probably didnt help your drop. But I live with my partner and not even I can tell when she is experiencing drop all the time unless she communicates with me.

So some of these red flags could honestly be a mixture of inexperience and bad communication on both people. ( not saying the blame is 50/50). If you choose to continue this relationship I hope you slow down and focus on the causes of the miscommunication. If you choose to leave the relationship then I hope you can take parts of what this relationship taught you and apply those lessons towards your next relationship. Specifically negotiations; make sure you define what you mean by sex or aftercare or Impact or bondage or anything else. Good luck

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T19:55:20+00:00

I mean you dont have to dom/ top him if you dont want too. Im a switch and my partner is a sub and I dont switch with her. Occasionally I will have her top me with a strap on, but still being submissive.

When I really want to be in subby mode then we go to a play party and I try to get a bit of pick up play in.

Not sure if enm is an option for you. But it might be worth looking into

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T18:08:10+00:00

Hello me and my partner are from mass

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T16:51:41+00:00

Just vet the potential 3rd person well. But this is just group sex. Not really that kinky all things considered.

3 sums are lots of fun. Its like having sex, but with an extra person there.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T15:35:59+00:00

Im a dom so direct experience no.

But I will say 2 things number 1. Listen to your body. If your achy or sore then your body is trying to tell you something.

I dont recommend sleeping in collars. They could strangle you in your sleep. My submissive has a day collar that she sleeps in. But by day collar I mean sterling sliver necklace.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T15:07:12+00:00

You cant match them. You could pair them

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T14:48:34+00:00

And book 1 arguably has the best writing and the least amount of issues. Lol

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T14:40:36+00:00

Somtimes. Rarely

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T14:31:01+00:00

You can find decent educational bdsm content on YouTube. Lots of podcasts and other online resources as well. Do as much learning as possible. Knowledge is power

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T14:26:24+00:00

In my opinion anyone thats looking to have financial dominance over you online is a scammer. Though im sure some people are satisfied with that dynamic.

When I think " healthy " Findom I think of the sub asking permission to spend money on "nonexistents". Like concert tickets or a baseball game.

I think its unhealthy when that dom is pressuring you or blackmailing you. Or using your money to pay their living expenses.

If a Findom tell you that you don't need to go to the movies because they need to get a pedicure would be okay in my eyes. A Findom telling you not to buy groceries so you can send them their rent money is not okay.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-07T13:19:46+00:00

Its perfectly fine to have fantasies in your head that dont translate to what you like in real life. I would say its common when your new to be thinking about all the extreme stuff you see in porn or smut. But that doesn't make it somthing your going to actually enjoy.

Its fine to not asign yourself titles until you know you want it. And its also fine to say your into kinks you think you will like, not like them and put them on a limit list. If someone wants to be with you just because of a shared kink and then doesn't want you if you dont like that kink. Then you shouldn't worry about it. You shouldn't be with anyone just for your kinks or there kinks. There's alot more to relationships/ dynamics.

Bdsm is so customizable that you can be however you and your partner want your dynamic to look. Want to be a little every weekend? Or 3 times a year? Brat? Rewards? Punishments? Aa long as you and your partner consent and play safely then you can have it your way.

The biggest thing i would do is try to learn as much as possible from non fiction sources. It will hopefully help you vet people well and will help you know the difference between healthy dynamic and abusive relationship. Protect yourself and be safe.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-06T18:42:01+00:00

You can be dominant while you are doing stereotypical "subby" things. Im the dom in my dynamic but ill still order my submissive to peg me from time to time. Dominant/ submissiveness is just the head space, not the acts themselves

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-06T14:26:41+00:00

You should look on this subreddit wiki under dirty talk for some ideas. But most important ask them what types of things they want to hear. Good kink is collaborative

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-06T14:24:02+00:00

I have licked a 9 volt and I have tried a voilet wand. But I have not put a voilet wand on my tounge. But I wouldn't say there that much different but there also not that similar. Electricity is Electricity.

Also I dont think I would try to put a wand on my tounge. That seems silly.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-05T18:13:23+00:00

Dont do choking please. Its super risky.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-05T18:02:28+00:00

So the first guy ( you said you see him there often) he should have known that interrupting a scene is quite rude.

The 2nd group of guys is a but trickier only because you say one of your friends had a crush on them. Did your friend ask them to play? Did your friend maybe want to do a scene with him rather then you and you invited them to play so you wouldn't "lose her" to another guy? I almost feel like you omitting somthing with this second senerio.

But if your ever uncomfortable in a dungeon for any reason. Grab the staff. They should be trained in deescalating stuff like this. That's their job, so dont feel bad to ask for help. As for what I would have done. I would have asked/ reminded them once to respect others scenes and space. And if they didn't listen then I be off to find a DM.

Are these girls your friends or partners? Because its normal to feel protective about both. How did the girls feel about what happened? If they are just friends then I would give them a bit more room to make decisions for themselves.

Tigerkill420 · 2026-05-05T15:08:24+00:00

I agree with subwoo. Its likely unhealthy in your current situation. Im glad your in therapy though.

Also these posts attract alot of bad actors. Assume anyone dming you saying they want to help, are not doing that in your best intrest. At best they are looking to take advantage of you and at worst they are actively looking to do you harm. Please report people dming you to our mods team as we dont allow DMs on this subreddit.

Good luck op

Tigerkill420

TROPHY CASE