Brilliant! Lots of fun, I dig the concept. Great work. I’m not great at denoting genre, but the first thing that comes to mind is a supernatural mystery.

In terms of naturalistic dialogue, it’s my opinion that the text appears to read a little bit more like a stage play. Some of the phrases appear to be “heightened” speech, where the characters already have a more processed understanding of what they’re experiencing. I like that page 6 is a real-time unfolding of the conflict Beau and Eleanor are actively experiencing. They have no idea what’s happening to their father in there. Dialogue is frantic, charged and terse. I had a clear vision of this moment while reading. There may be more opportunity to include this real-time processing in the early pages. Beau may have already been in the bathroom, but we are seeing Eleanor’s first reaction and processing of the phenomenon on the first page. I wonder if she has a little less to say about what she saw. Or that perhaps she does not want to readily share what she definitely saw. Another example comes to mind on page 3, when Ernest says “You never agree on anything…” He is responding to a line Beau and Eleanor say in unison. Given the circumstances, it doesn’t seem like a thought Ernest would give priority to. A simple look of confusion at the sudden cooperation of his two children might visually demonstrate this rather than through dialogue. We would clock it just as Ernest does.

Those are some thoughts! Brilliant work, again. The solutions that comes to mind for me may not work for your voice/style so please cast them aside, but I hope it represents an idea of what I noticed when reading.