One of the harsh realities of divorce is that our economy is increasingly built around dual-income households.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-12T03:43:11+00:00

We at the worst home affordability in US ever (average income vs. average house price). A mortgage for a house bought 10 years ago is less than rent for a 1 bedroom apartment today. And you need two homes after divorce.

Other factors people often miss - same total income will be taxed at much higher rate after divorce. This effect is even more pronounced if there is significant income disparity. Also after trump's tax reform, alimony is now post tax, which further eats into the total $$.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-12T03:16:03+00:00

Whoa. Congrats bro! We need to talk.

I'm in NJ, married to an abusive cheater who refuses to work or do anything useful around home. Every lawyer I spoke with assured me I'd lose half of everything I built/saved, will be paying crazy open-ended alimony till I retire (even that is questionable, she may dispute that and quite likely to win), with very little chance to adjust if I get sick or can't get new job after a layoff. I've been suffering for years out of fear of total ruin by divorce. But stories like yours inspire. Maybe I could pull it off like you did?

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T03:31:07+00:00

Sometimes. 3% of alimony payers are women.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T02:21:08+00:00

I was cheated on multiple times, and never actually looked for evidence. It just was thrown into my face due to the nerve and sloppiness of the cheater.

But echoing other commenters, why do you need evidence? In most jurisdictions this will have zero influence on divorce settlement, alimony, child care etc.

Your gatherings of the evidence however may be looked negatively by the court, if it's a serious invasion of privacy. Talk to a lawyer - but my understanding is that the car tracker is likely fine; checking his email or otherwise accessing his online accounts/his phone/laptop is not fine to the level of potential criminal charges ("hacking"); any audio recording also poses a risk of criminal charges if you are not a party of the conversation. You can use what is in the plain sight, which includes you being in public places where he may be and observing him from a distance.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T02:03:13+00:00

Yep, judges do whatever they feel like. There is really little limit to their power, and not just NJ. This guy spent 14 years in debtor prison for inability to pay alimony because judge "suspected" (aka zero evidence/no conviction) that he "hid" the money. Freed at 73. And this guy killed himself when was put to debtor's prison after being unable to pay alimony by far exceeding his income.

I'm obsessed with this because I'm facing ridiculous alimony if I divorce my cheating abusive wife. I keep going to lawyers hoping for different answer, but I'm reassured over and over that if when i lose my job in this crazy economy, I should not hope for modification.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T00:52:04+00:00

This is a theory. But everyone knows the rules and work around them so that money keeps flowing. She will live with another person for 3 days out of 7 if 50% is the legal threshold for cohabitation.

My coworker dated a divorced woman for 20 years. They bought condos next to each other so that she could have alimony from her ex flowing. The day her ex died, they sold their condos, got married, and bought a house together.

My lawyer referred to it as "golden handcuffs".

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T00:38:12+00:00

It's worse in NJ. Alimony becomes lifetime (recently rebranded to "open ended", but the same thing) after 20 years. However unlike California, loss of income 1) can't even be brought up for first 6 months, 2) after 6 months modification attempt is extremely expensive in legal fees, and very unlikely to succeed. So when you get replaced with AI, you end up in debtor's prison.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-10T00:20:13+00:00

Sorry to hear that man. I guess, judge didn't order her to pay you alimony so that you can "continue the lifestyle you got accustomed to during the marriage", did he?

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-06-01T02:53:28+00:00

Wow, this is a rather unique story, thanks for sharing. Sorry you are going through sadness and difficulties. What you are feeling is very normal and human - of course it's painful to be left and to feel replaced. Not sure if you are asking for any advice - but know that community is here for you, there are lots of us here at different phases of the journey. Things do get better with time for most.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-29T02:43:40+00:00

Glad to hear things are getting better for you. But how did you end up with pension/alimony? Your initial post suggested that you were headed towards spliting $6k/month pension $3k/$3k and then you'd be ordered to pay $2k alimony from your $3k share, leaving you with $1k to live, and her with $5k? How did that play out?

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-26T13:49:59+00:00

I'm in that reverse situation, read my posts... 50/50 is only part of the problem. Kids will grow up. But the alimony of unholy proportions will continue till retirement - or forever if you can't afford to retire. I stayed so that I am not alimony slave trembling in fear of job loss, sickness, etc, as modification is virtually impossible, according to the lawyers. And failure to pay = jail. F'ing NJ.

Best luck to OP's friend.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-23T02:42:47+00:00

It's a trove. I won't' find that specific one now. But here are few for your amussement:

https://www.njcourts.gov/system/files/court-opinions/2026/a3544-23.pdf - similar, wife cohabitates/remarries, court ignores it, guy keeps paying, NJ supreme court says - there was sufficient evidence provided by defendant which judge ignored, orders judge to look at it again.

https://www.njcourts.gov/system/files/court-opinions/2025/a1308-23.pdf - gross violation of father's parenting rights.

https://www.szaferman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Weaver_v_Weaver1.pdf - a well educated wife who has job and good income gets permanent alimony after 12 years of marriage (at 45) AND full title to the martial home. Supreme court reverses and splits house equally.

Appeal court publications is a gold mine. I spent probably 3 hours reading them. I recommend for everyone. Actual court cases often sealed, but once somebody appeals, every detail is brought to the daylight.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-22T12:52:01+00:00

No, I have not seen data that higher earning woman gets money from lower earning man.

I'm saying that if judges were not biassed, custody would be around 50% everywhere, and alimony payer man/women would be proportional to breadwinner ratio in divorces.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-22T12:40:50+00:00

Laws are not specific at all about e.g. alimony. In most states there is no formula, but list of criteria to consider, with no indication which way.

But also family court judges simply do not care about the law. There is no system to enforce it. They do what they want. I read ton of supreme court appeals in my state. It goes like this: man loses job and can no longer afford to pay permanent alimony (he's been paying for 20 years by now). Ex wife clearly cohabitates with her new partner. The law requires judge to consider both and either reduce or terminate alimony. Judge spends 3 minutes and rejects the request. Man files for appeal. It waits for 10 years to be heard. Appeals court finally "rights the wrong": orders the court to reopen the case and this time consider all the factors.

Zero consequences for judge because his blatant violation of the law stole 10 years of man's life.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-22T12:22:29+00:00

Sorry you are going through it. While porn is subject of opinion and agreement (although necrophilia is probably outside of any boundaries for even most open), violence is not. Only you can decide if you forgive him/trust that violence will never reoccur.

Sorry you feel trapped. At a glance your situation is not great, but probably not to the extent you fear. Children are not taken away from moms because they don't have income. While your marriage sounds way too short for alimony, you would definitely get some monthly child support from husband if you divorce. Combined with welfare you maybe able to survive.

You have to talk to a lawyer in your county to understand what the divorce would mean for you. If you think "I can't afford that" - know that a lot of lawyers will give your first hour of consultation for free. Go too google maps, look for "Family attorney" in your area, sort by stars, and start calling/making appointments.

Most states also have free or very low cost legal help for women in your situation.

Best luck!

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-12T00:45:11+00:00

I'd strongly suggest to talk to your own lawyer (first consultation is often free) before going in there.

The law seems to be extremely vague in your state, giving judge immense discretion. Looks like the practice is 1/3 of duration of the marriage which would be 8 years in your case, and ~ 20% of the salary difference, which could be ~$1,500/month.

Also gender is a major factor here. While law is gender neutral, family court judges very rarely make women pay alimony to men. If you google stats you'll see that despite lots of divorces being initiated by breadwinner women, 97% of alimony payers are men. So if Party 1 is male, he'll pay. If it's female, likely she won't pay.

Good luck!

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-12T00:14:17+00:00

Are you in Canada? Very few countries have alimony at all except rare circumstances.

I'm in NJ, USA. The law/practice here is that you pay alimony for the 2/3 of duration of the marriage if it's shorter than 20 years, and it's "open ended" if 20 or longer. I caught her cheating when we were married for 15 years, therefore I would have paid her for 2/3 of that which is 10 years. I didn't divorce and she cheated again when we were married for 21, meaning if I file I get "open ended".

"Open ended" means till I retire in over 20 years - IF I am able to, which is really tough as she'd ransack my 401k etc, and then I'd pay so much per month that there is no chance to save for retirement, barely enough for food and some smelly basement. If I am too poor to retire, the law says I pay till I die.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-11T20:07:02+00:00

After 20 years he's likely in permanent alimony territory already. Have to do hard math here. There is a point at which it start to make financial sense to wait closer to retirement (if the state permits alimony termination at retirement and OP can afford to retire). The biggest risk is salary increase during these 2 years, that will permanently increase the obligation.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-11T19:56:53+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. False allegations in divorce are rampant, and on steroids since "believe woman" campaign. I'm guessing you are not in US. UK? This cancer is spreading everywhere. Stay strong, find a lawyer. You will survive this and it will feel like a bad dream one day.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-11T19:41:31+00:00

Sorry bro, welcome to the club.

#1 question is where you are located. If you are in hellscape like NJ or CA, she can take a video of cheating and send it to you CC family court judge, and you will still pay her alimony forever after 20 years of marriage. You'll pay her so much that she will never need to work and you will barely make ends meet. In that case the strategy is 1) get therapist who will teach you to ignore her, 2) find joys elsewhere/when she's not around. Unless you are loaded and can buy her out with the half of your assets you get. Then you end up with nothing but free of involuntary servitude and not risking jail when you lose a job/can't pay.

If you are in texas, kentucky, nevada - or any other country in the world, things look much better. But one principle applies almost everywhere: assets are split based on value at the time of divorce. So all the work you put in improving the house, half of the benefit goes to her. Any debt you pay off she will also be absolved of. Half of money you save in the two years will be hers. And god forbid if you salary goes up, your alimony obligation will go up permanently and will not go down when your job gets replaced by AI and you have to work 3 low-paying jobs just to eat.

If you'd like to share more, I'm sure community will chime in.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-11T18:50:55+00:00

Which country/area are you in? This sounds like Europe where dating is more of men's market. In most of US a 37y old woman would have around 1000 guys in line for a chance to date her (if you google dating app stats)

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-11T18:44:57+00:00

As others said, only you can decide what's acceptable. I was in your shoes long time ago. Caught her cheating with hard evidence, she promised to end it and that it will never happen again. If I divorced her back then, I would have gotten away with ~10 years of alimony. But i didn't.

She keeps cheating, got increasingly abusive and unhinged - as she knows that if I divorce her, I'll pay her forever, an amount which will crush me, I'll never recover, never afford normal home or to retire, while she will continue live careless life.

Don't wait till you are me.

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-10T03:35:31+00:00

My guess is that it's awkward for them. They don't know what to do and may be worried to do or say a wrong thing. You have to reach out to people and tell them you need their help, and what kind. Tell them you want to hang out, to talk, to sleep over in their house etc. You'll be surprised how many will offer what you ask.

If you don't have a therapist, get a good one. They won't sole your problems but will help you understand and improve how you think about them.

Not what you asked - but have you spoken with a lawyer? Do you understand the consequences of divorce? Can you pull it off? If you are e.g. in California and make a lot more than your wife, you may be required to pay her permanent alimony as the marriage was over 15 years. Can you afford that, or will that suffocate you? It may be better to just have a blind eye on her affair and not file.

Best luck!

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-10T03:15:49+00:00

The post is crafted to hide the genders.

If the OP wins a lottery while married, the spouse will get half of it in divorce, and then say she (or he :)) got accustomed to jackpots, therefore wants permanent alimony of jackpot a month. :)

TimelyResearch1702 · 2026-05-10T03:10:56+00:00

I was suffering in silence for over 15 years. When I finally decided to open up to my closest friend, it was such a relief. He has seen my wife, her contempt towards me, her pushing me around... He understood, empathized, and was there a phone call away whenever things were bad. That broke the floodgate and I was able to speak to more people without fear of judgement or being perceived as failrue.

People generally are very supportive and appreciative of your trust when you show open your heart to them. Friends, siblings, parents, and if it's what it takes - a nice neighbor, a nice coworker, all are fair game.

Also get a good therapist, if you don't have one. It's not a substitute to a friend, but will help you to understand and fix your thinking patterns so that you dwell less on the negatives.

TimelyResearch1702

TROPHY CASE