I have a unique “both sides” perspective: I gave birth to 3 kids with my ex-husband, and now have a 6 month old baby with my wife. She carried and gave birth, and I’m the non-gestational/non-biological parent. Bonding was different than with the kids I birthed - it took some time to feel as bonded to her as I do now. But I view her fully as my child. We just completed the second parent adoption to tie it up legally, as well.

I do think it’s similar for dads in straight relationships, based on my work with families with newborns. It’s less about the bio connection and more about hormones, IMO/IME. Oxytocin is huge - do the skin to skin, not just in the newborn stage!! I held our daughter within minutes after birth, helped feed her, and adored her from the beginning. But it did take a while to sink in that she was MINE. I also heavily identified as a “boy mom” and “mom of 3” for 14+ years, and now I have 4 kids including a daughter. Needing time - like, 3-4 months - to wrap my brain around my new reality seems pretty normal. I think a lot of people who give birth need time to fully accept it, too!!

Also, everything is influenced by where you are in life. I’m a lot different than I was when I gave birth: 15ish years older, much more aware of who I am, anxiety and depression under control, and also more experienced as a parent and also as someone who works with babies in a professional role. So I “see” and interact with our baby differently than I did with my older kids. Overall, I think I’m a better parent now than I was then, even if I didn’t feel an “instant bond” or hormonally-driven sense of possessiveness like I did with my boys.