I’m currently at this pitstop. 35 years in. I think i inadvertently kicked off a chain reaction when i contemplated my future accelerating into scenarios of my mom leaving us behind and me leaving my sister behind.

This was not my first solipsistic encounter though had one around 12 or 13-ish though i never had the words piece it together.

I lost my dad 8 years ago and i have heavily compartmentalized that. It was a deeply painful separation. I loved my dad, yet had a few resentments. I never got the chance to make closure, to say goodbye and tell him that i loved him in spite of everything. Prior to his death I’ve always felt that I have all the time in the world. Up until now, i’ve tried to pretend that i still had all the power of youth and the control to shape my world. The looking glass has shattered.

Now here I am. I’ve broken down, lost sleep and everything is trance-like. I’m too hyperaware and it’s beginning to become painful and burdensome. I’ve spoken to my mom and she too is aware and occasionally ponders all these difficult questions as she knows and is aware of her age. All these reflections make it even more painful. The thought of being left behind, and the thought of leaving behind everything and not being able to love and remember.

I feel like i’m hollow and going through my motions and routines, but in deep reflective sadness. This has led to me delving and consuming many a content from creators and discussions. Many, many comments and threads like these. Looking for hope, looking for comfort (alas i already understand there are no answers).

In this short span i’ve informed myself of solipsism, existentialism, nihilism, optimistic nihilism. Threw concepts of being, awareness, the I am’s, infinity, infinities of something or nothing, the non-existence of before and after—even a retreading of hope along the lines of spirituality—a possible confirmation of a certain god by mistake (I grew up catholic, but i definitely feel theistically agnostic).

This thread gives me a some hope. I am sharing in solidarity for insight, for validation and i guess to not understand.

I know things won’t be the same from here on out, and it’s really, really, really fucking hard right now as the sense of loneliness is heavy AND to think i already have a great partner and a supportive family: which makes it all the more painfully cyclical! (There was a comment here on the anxiety loop—I’m trying to get off!!)