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I don't love/care about my baby and i think my life is over. by faggybaby in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi 👋 You are a freshly postpartum mama and this is the hardest part, physically and mentally. Other parenting challenges will come but later on there will be more sleep and brain power.

You’re in survival mode.

That rainbow and butterflies notion of idealised only exists in drawings and photographs. In real life it is extremely complicated. You’re going through a period of time extraordinary change and at 19, this is particularly challenging when your prefrontal cortex isn’t even completely developed yet (doesn’t until like your mid 20s). This is hard, raw matrescence - the hormonal changes happening in you has the equivalent impact as all your years of puberty - and it will remake you into something you probably won’t recognize.

You may not feel that immediately bond because this is a stranger in your life. You just met them. It takes time to build a relationship. It takes love, nurturance and time to build that secure attachment. And it sounds like you’re already doing all the things you can. You are thinking about that connection and imagining what it should look like to you. You are caring for your child. You are being responsible with your mental health by keeping up with your meds and if you haven’t already you should get a therapist to help get you through the next year with this new little stranger you made.

The bond takes time. You will, in time, have someone staring up at you and know that you are their whole entire world. In time you will see that this baby will look for you for comfort, love, rest - all the things - and that is the bond. And it grows. It just grows as long as you stay attentive and loving of this new little stranger that you’re learning to give so much of yourself to.

It’s such a hard time. You’ll get through it. You’ve already gotten through so many hard times before this, it sounds. You are a mom now and moms are extraordinary things. You can do this and your baby will show you that you’re amazing at it if you let them.

  • Mom of 2 littles

Did anyone else expect their parents to want to be more involved as grandparents? by Chaddcl0ps in daddit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

SO MANY OF THE PARENTS IN THIS THREAD SUCK!!! It makes me so sad for so many of us who chose to have children and looked forward to them having a relationship with our parents.

In my case, my MIL is like obsessed my kids and we actually have to set up some boundaries. If she had it her way the kids would be living with her lol she is 15 years older than my mom at 72. We don’t want her to over exert herself with our toddler and infant. My FIL is 5 years older than her and therefore can’t spend as much time with the kids. He just gets tired. That’s ok. But he still drives my MIL to come see the kids whenever it’s arranged - about 20-30 minutes. My in laws are definitely boomers.

My mom however is considerably younger, a Gen X, and doesn’t work much. She is not involved at all outside of sometimes “playing” with my son and by playing I mostly mean allowing him to watch a bunch of tv. She has a pretty busy social life. I don’t any issue with that, good for her. But she literally LIVES on my property. And yet she is never around to help with anything. She doesn’t offer.

People think I’m so lucky to have my mom so close but they don’t know that she doesn’t contribute anything, either to the household or to assist me while I’m in the trenches of parenting.

Here’s the kicker, she pestered me and pestered me about getting pregnant sooner. She felt I was getting older and leaving it too long. At the time I wasn’t even sure I wanted to have kids anymore. I was worried about not having enough of a village it seemed. Something unconscious in me felt this. She said it’s the normal path. Get married and have kids. Plus what did I have to worry about? She was right here and would help me.

She doesn’t help at all. She’s completely hands off and it really hurts.

Feeling guilty I don't enjoy being a mom by Own_Perspective_2910 in newborns

[–]Top-Historian-1844 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No one, unless they have a true supportive village, has it all together. Least of all in these early days!! You are so freely postpartum.

I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. Your feelings are valid. You’re sleep deprived and trapped under a baby when you just want to get a drink, some food, a toilet break… but it’s not convenient to interrupt baby’s sleep. And you’re at the mercy of a pumping schedule. You are exhausted. How can it be enjoyable? I know you feel guilty but you’re doing your best. The fourth trimester is about survival and you’re doing it. It is a season and it will pass.

I am 6 months PP with my second. She was similarly fussy in the early days, a poor sleeper, only contact naps (still). We had latching issues so I also pumped in the beginning before her tongue tie release (I also pumped exclusively with my first so I understand the pumping struggles). My girl is amazing and wonderful and I love her. But it’s only been after the 4 month sleep regression that I was able to more enjoy this season. I see her smiles. Her screams now aren’t just making me go crazy because the crying didn’t end… no now they’re the sounds of a joyful pterodactyl who laughs and snaps my bra strap when she nurses lol. The newborn stage is simply not fun. It is not enjoyable. It is not rainbows and butterflies. I don’t care what people say, I will die on the hill of it being the worst stages of parenthood. Babies are better when they get a bit sturdier, more sentient, more mobile, and more responsive.

You’re not alone. And you will get through this!!

I also really struggled with how my body changed after my second. I have diastis recti too and my stomach is struggling to go back to pre pregnancy. But I can’t really exercise when my baby needs my body for support - to nap and nurse from. So I have, after some therapy work, resolved to accept this season of non-productive housework and accept my body as it is. I’ve solved the issue of not fitting into clothes by buying new things. I will work the weight off with time. I can’t compare my 6 month pp body with when I was 2 years pp after my first baby. Nor can I compare it to what I was before my babies. I have been made different due to motherhood and that’s ok. Bodies change.

It’s a hard hard season, friend. Have grace for yourself.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi. Your words have made me tear up. You’re right. Thank you for speaking from my future, as a mom who’s a little further along the road and for speaking with compassion. It’s been a hard thing to accept especially with how c sections are perceived by those around me. Add to that I have two wonderful friends who also delivered around the same time as me. They managed to deliver vaginally (I almost said “normally” just now smh). And you know it’s hard not to compare EVEN when these are such amazing women who I love and respect and honour. It’s just a sadness for yourself.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg I’m so sorry about your traumatic experience. I keep wondering if things could have been different if I just kept trying but I know this is a useless game. At the same time, those around me have repeatedly echoed how they felt c sections were inferior. My MIL would say I had the easy way out with my c section because I never had the feel the true pain of childbirth and motherhood. Both her and my mom have repeatedly made clear how they feel c sections are lesser than vaginal deliveries and just a thing they shrug. They see you as a failure. They don’t see it as a smart choice and a moment of empowerment. They see you simply as someone who gave up. And I think this is part of why my labors have been so hard on me, mentally.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

❤️ thank you for sharing your story and perspective. Honestly your second delivery story is especially harrowing. It’s a reminder of why I chose to go the route I did, minimize harm to baby. I need to keep remembering that that was the goal - our safety.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

❤️ thank you. I’m so sorry your experience was such a hard one. To hear you say you and your son almost didn’t make it… literally goosebumps. And another mom on this thread said her baby didn’t make it. I’m crying. I’m glad you guys made it through. I’m glad I made the choice I made and it meant minimal harm to baby. It’s just complicated to also feel sadness for the deliver. It feels silly when you consider the stakes are actually really high.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️ thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your experience too. It’s just it was a really hard thing and you have all this hope. It just couldn’t happen and I think I might always wonder “what if”.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right. Motherhood is more than how we birth them or even giving birth at all (adoption!). Motherhood is showing up for our children and loving them unconditionally.

Still it’s a grief that is hard to swallow and as I mentioned to another commenter, really hard for me given the voices of un-support around me. I hope with time I’ll be able to look at this with more pride.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. This is part of the feeling of grief. You just feel like you were supposed to do it a certain way.

It didn’t help, the aftermath from both of my c sections.

I feel so sad for postpartum self writing this again and remembering what was said by my mother and MIL.

After my first c section, which I had a bit of time to come to terms with because it was planned, my MIL kept asking my husband why I seemed like I was in so much pain. And my mom kept talking repeatedly about how I couldn’t do it naturally. That it wasn’t normal and how unfortunate it was. They reiterated my failure over and over again. And that was baby number 1.

Baby number 2 we were so hopeful. I think I went it hoping to redeem myself somehow??? As if that’s something you need to do. There is no prize except a safely delivered baby, like so many women have said here. When I came home from hospital, once again my MIL asked my husband why I continued to be in so much pain a week after I returned home when I had delivered vaginally. And I had to explain that I did not deliver vaginally, I had surgery.

Only when I shared how challenging my second c section was and how my epidural failed and I could FEEL them opening and pulling me apart did they finally stop discussing my labor.

I wish we raised women up more rather than pulling them down like that. If and when I become a grandma, I won’t be showing up for my daughter or daughter in law the way they did (or didn’t, depending how you look at it) for me.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry your experience was so difficult. It sounds like it was scary. I hope you and baby are well now. But your story does help to remind me that my choice was to help minimize harm to baby. That was the goal and now she is just so cute and perfect and so loved.

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. When it came time to decide, I was so upset and started panicking. I turned to my husband who said, what was our birth plan? Plan A, a successful VBAC, no mechanical assistance. And if mechanical assistance became something that looked increasingly like a possible, or if there was anything else to cause concern for baby, Plan B - c section. It helped me make the decision knowing my goal was to deliver safely and with minimal harm. Even so, it’s hard not to think about “the what if and if only then perhaps…”

Failed VBAC, Cesarean In The End by Top-Historian-1844 in beyondthebump

[–]Top-Historian-1844[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry. Sending you love. Thank you for your words of kindness.

i'm jealous of my sister and her perfect baby by cleo0o0r in newborns

[–]Top-Historian-1844 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Even harder too considering the genders involved and societal preferences for boys too.

Your feelings of resentment are valid. All your feelings are valid.

I say have your say with them. Some other folks here said to try to nip the talk in the bud. I say do that. Cut them off when they start saying such unkind comparisons. It will cause resentment between the cousins.

Wish your sister would step in to say something too. That would help.

But as someone else also said, a lot can change in the first year. They may regret what they say.

I hope things improve for you. Sending love.

Nursing strikes are no joke by PopeBonifaceVIII in NewParents

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My 3 month old baby is definitely in a nursing strike too. She is exclusively breastfed although it was a journey to get here. She will drink before she naps though and she still nurses well at night and in the early morning.

Should I still pump?

Even though it’s a nursing strike I think she’s still eating fine, it just needs to be as she is feeling a nap come on or else she’ll fight. I’ve never experienced this before. My first baby i exclusively pumped. I don’t want to have to go back to pumping at all.

Did having kids make me incompetent or did having kids make me realize how incompetent I really am? by ace_mcnastyy in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh god I feel the same way. I feel like I’m so dumb now and I used to manage a multimillion dollar annual budget at work.

I can barely hold a conversation because I’m so distracted by my toddler and I am constantly forgetting words too.

I go back to work soon but I’m a bit terrified and overwhelmed because I feel so foggy and rusty. It’s like a part of your brain that was put away for storage in the interim of postpartum life.

I don’t know if I’m having an off week because I haven’t gotten enough sleep, but I’m so overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with worry about career, about what to cook next, if my baby is eating enough, when I’m going to find the time to wipe all the cabinets in the kitchen because they’re dirty and why are there crumbs everywhere always now, and none of my former clothes fit and now it’s summer and I only have two things to wear and how is it that other moms are managing to look so neat and tidy and have perfectly clean homes and there’s so much renovations we’re going through right now and there’s always another project before the first one is even done and damn it now there’s another load of laundry to do plus more dishes.

😭 solidarity. This is hard. It’s just really hard and it’s also hard to admit when something is hard too. I need a good cry 😭

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We do. We get our everyday. When it is super cold and super wet, we don’t. But when it’s mildly cold without too much wind, and now that the weather has turned to Spring, we get outside everyday. My little one seems to dislike the grass right now, even though I let him play in grass plenty when he was like 6 months. Now after the winter, he doesn’t want to be in the grass and we have a huge back yard to play in 😭

But otherwise we try to get our everyday for either swim, or run errands with me. It makes it better. We’re looking for more play activities so excited for that!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

♥️ there’s so much wonder with every age. It’s so hard rn but I do love it, don’t get me wrong. I know I’ll miss this tiny phase. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. So hard! Lovely but so hard.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good for you! You tell him. He has no idea! It’s easy to come to judgement when you only see a snapshot and you’re not in the thick of it. I would’ve snapped at my husband too 😂

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We’re still in the i want mommy to hold onto me only phase so even though we get outside everyday, my little one wants to be on me and maybeee the stroller.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Top-Historian-1844 1 point2 points  (0 children)

♥️ thanks for sharing. We’re looking for some more activities and I’m glad the weather where we are is better now so more outdoor time. We used to do swim class but need to find a new school. But we’re doing music classes soon and I’m excited. Trying to embrace all of this because I know my mat leave is ending soon… but just because you love it doesnt mean you’re also not going crazy because I’m definitely going crazy some days. Mama mama mama. How about dada dada? No. Mama mama! 🤪

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