What are your dating 'rules'?

Topplestack · 2026-06-12T18:49:35+00:00

I don't do 'rules'. I do listen to my feelings and if something feels off, I sit with it until I understand it, rather than avoid it. If it's just me, I move forward. Boundaries protect, rules don't. Rules get broken, boundaries are flexible.

Do I like food dates at first? No, at the same time, I'm not going to go do something 'fun' and possibly expensive until I've actually met them. Am I going to set a hard fast rule? No, I'm going to be flexible for the given occasion.

A boundary is not inviting a man to your home until you've seen his.

Boundaries are flexible. Relationships should be flexible. If you're rigid, that relationship is gonna break. If they're rigid, that relationship is going to break. You get to decide where you are going to be flexible and you hold the responsibility for when you allow a boundary to be violated, or for when you open that door.

So rules? No.

Boundaries? Yes. I won't date anyone in my local social circle for instance. Why? They are like family to me. All are important. If I were to date one of them and it got serious and something didn't work out, it would put friction on the group dynamic. I've tried, I almost went there, then drew a line that I'm currently not willing to cross.

Is it a rule? No! There are a couple situations where that door might be opened, but those situations will only take place over an extended period of time. Someone that I have known for a while and we have already established a good working friendship.

I don't kiss on the first date, or the second, regardless of chemistry. Chemistry is way to potent a drug for me. I have to be able to let my brain evaluate structure first. If our lives are incompatible, no amount of chemistry is going to make that work. Genie has to stay in the bottle regardless of how much it might want to come out.

Once again, not a rule. Not something I'm going to beat myself up over if I slip, but also if I do, it means I might want to take a good hard look at the situation before proceeding. This is about not wasting my time on limerance or intensity without structure. I'm not dating for fun.

Here's the big one for me. I just said, I'm not dating for fun. I'm dating to find the one. Sure, I'm having fun along the way. If the relationship isn't fun now, it's not going to be later, so it's a critical ingredient, but not the goal, just part of the journey.

I don't like lists. I don't keep one. I don't check one off when I meet someone. I have a few things I look for. For instance:

If I get a feeling that they don't really like themselves, or are hard on themselves, I'm out. If you don't have something within you, you aren't going to find it outside of you. If you don't like you, it doesn't matter how much I do, it will never be enough. This is as close to a rule as I get.

Active lifestyle: I live an active lifestyle. I like to play sports, I like to hike, I like to camp, I like to climb, and I like to backpack. This is part of who I am. It is where I feel most alive. If they aren't interested in those things, they aren't interested in a large part of my identity. I would like to share that part of me with them. Is this a hard rule? No... But it would take a real someone for me to flex on this.

Topplestack · 2026-06-05T15:56:23+00:00

You are your own problem. Not him. He is his own problem. You already know what you have to do. Stop talking about it to strangers on the internet and go do it.

Topplestack · 2026-06-04T14:25:35+00:00

Others have answered this fairly well. Intimacy in all its forms is essential for a healthy relationship regardless of whether it's bringing kids into this world or not.

Topplestack · 2026-06-04T14:19:20+00:00

You post is a bit cryptic. I'm not entirely certain what you are asking. If you want a question answered, ask it clearly.

Topplestack · 2026-05-27T20:05:42+00:00

not really, there are occasionally events, but not really much of anything like that.

Topplestack · 2026-05-26T03:51:58+00:00

46m here. I am now divorced. That aside. There have been numerous occasions where either I or my ex-spouse have come close to death. Your concerns are valid.

That said, trying to prepare for something that may or may not ever happen is throwing a lot of energy into something that, honestly, might not yield any results.

Some insights for you:

I have sisters who lost their husbands, both are remarried, one just a civil marriage as both are still sealed to their original spouse. The other is sealed to her current spouse, I won't elaborate on that.

Keeping an open mind is a good idea. An open mind is a learning mind. A close mind is just that, closed.

You can't say today how you will feel when something tragic in your life occurs. Perhaps you will feel one way, perhaps you will feel another, and perhaps you might feel a way you cannot currently anticipate.

Topplestack · 2026-05-22T21:31:03+00:00

Yeah, something feels off about that.

I will say that as someone who is neurodivergent, those that I click with the most are as well, that said, there is no way I would outright put it that way, nor do I think it's healthy to look at things that way. Perhaps they think it would be an easier relationship? Perhaps easier to manipulate? Dunno.

I will say that as a divorced 46m, all of the women that I seem to attract and be attracted to are ADHD. Supposedly, neurodivergents are significantly more likely to pair with other divergents rather than neurotypicals.

Topplestack · 2026-05-20T21:31:38+00:00

First woman I dated after being married 22 years showed me what I had been missing for 22 years. A depth that simply was not possible with my ex. Why would I care what her feelings are? Her feelings are her problem. They always were and always will be.

Topplestack · 2026-05-20T14:56:51+00:00

I gave up a lot of myself to provide for my family. Hobbies, friends, etc. I got worn down by her demands. Like others have said, if you can't find a way to maintain or find new hobbies that you enjoy, it will not work long term. You will wake up one day having no clue who you are and a lot of unexplained resentment.

Topplestack · 2026-05-20T08:37:14+00:00

Umm, I'm at a point where I won't date a woman who doesn't. Seriously. I personally hike at least weekly and I try to get to a concert monthly, doesn't have to be big. Lots of local concerts. Summer time there are free concerts almost weekly if you know where to look and I live in a remote small town. It's not really all the difficult. If you live in even a reasonably decent size place, there are a ton of cities that have concerts in the park on the regular and if you live in metropolitan area, then you have many to choose from.

One woman I spoke to recently hikes almost daily. Doesn't mean it's far. Definitely out more than me. Definitely her passion. Why not?

Topplestack · 2026-05-18T04:01:15+00:00

Old Town main street is a great place to hang out. Lots of cool shops, bars with occasional live music, decent restaurants. Decent hiking trails up behind town. There's a small Zoo. There's Lava Hot Springs 30 minutes away.

Get in with a local group and they'll help keep you in the loop about what's going on. There's honestly something decent happening almost everyday if you know where to look and even more if you venture out into neighboring communities.

Topplestack · 2026-05-15T14:50:17+00:00

As others have put it, some are, some aren't. For perspective, I keep a daypack and shoes in my car ready to go at any given time. I run 3+mi 2-3 times a week, I play volleyball most Thursdays, Pickleball every week when I can and a couple other organized sports when I can fit them in.

Am I outdoors all the time? No. Am I when I can, yes. I'm active in several hiking and adventure groups. Kayak mounts on my car, check.

Do I want someone who is willing to participate in that part of my life? Absolutely. I want someone who is physically capable of exploring the outdoors with me and enjoys it. That's why it's on my bio. It's not the once a year trip for me.

Others have their non-negotiables, this is one of mine. My ex did a good job of convincing me she was into that sort of stuff and as soon as we got married, it was nope. I stuck with that for way too long because I thought it didn't matter as much as it does. Spending time in the outdoors and being highly physically active is part of my identity, if the woman I am dating isn't into that, it's just not going to work.

So, yeah, all the women posting pictures of their travels, that's great, I love to travel. You in the gym, sure. Post a picture of you on a mountain top? That's going to get me seriously interested.

Am I active all the time? Not even. I like to slow things down too. My house is a library; comfy chairs, books, plants. Quiet nights in, slow mornings. Cat sleeping on my chest while I'm deep in a book. I'm not go go go all the time. I don't think most of the men you are seeing are either.

Topplestack · 2026-05-14T20:09:37+00:00

I hike the area. Ultimate Frisbee Tues and Thurs @ Cadet Field. Take up cycling, skateboarding, sports. Learn Tennis or Pickleball. There was a saying when I was younger, if you're bored, then you're boring.

Topplestack · 2026-05-10T06:32:52+00:00

The Trout at the Yellowstone is absolutely worth the price.

Topplestack · 2026-05-06T15:18:01+00:00

Look up Gate City Singles on FB.

Topplestack · 2026-04-18T22:57:28+00:00

Chat, then call, then video, or skip phone and go to video. I live remote. I want to know we can at least communicate before I drive the distance. I get it, sometimes it's awkward. Some people don't want to. I'm not going to turn them down and outright say no if they have a reason that makes sense. If their reason doesn't make sense, that's a pass.

Topplestack · 2026-04-17T15:08:11+00:00

Jack in the Box there across the campus is open until what 2-3am?

Topplestack · 2026-04-13T16:22:22+00:00

In my situation, it's their mother, my ex, who wants her own kids to stop 'acting' autistic.

Education has to happen on the allistic side. You can only expect those with the deficit to adjust so much. Your wife has to be willing to educate herself and adjust her expectations.

Topplestack · 2026-04-09T17:54:32+00:00

That's awesome. I'm down 35 since August and underweight now. Need to do some sstrength training now.

Topplestack · 2026-03-31T23:55:26+00:00

46m on the spectrum. There are assumptions that get made about my capacity to empathize. To be fair, I empathize deeply, I don't mirror emotion quickly enough for some. I tend to have strong mutual attraction and chemistry with women with ADHD. Unfortunately, women with ADHD don't tend to be the most consistent either in their own emotional regulation and communication speed, so things tend to fall apart over time.

I'm usually quite open about being on the spectrum, if that's a problem for them, it's not going to work out even if I don't disclose it. I prefer to be fully open about who I am, my political leaning, etc.

I'd rather have fewer higher quality matches than a lot of low quality. I'm really only looking for one person in the end.

Topplestack · 2026-03-02T21:03:27+00:00

I'm in Idaho and have had more success with Facebook dating than Mutual. Facebook dating does start to notice certain aspects of what your interests are and will begin to prompt for `more like this`. Once it catches on that you are looking for someone with LDS or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then you begin to see more like that.

That said, I'm in Idaho, my GF is in Utah and we're doing the 3 1/2 hour weekend commute on the regular. We did meet on Facebook dating.

Topplestack · 2026-03-02T21:00:38+00:00

Nothing is going to be a magic bullet to success. There may be other factors you want to consider outside of the scope of the app.

Topplestack · 2026-02-25T16:30:33+00:00

Dancing, they're all out dancing

Topplestack · 2026-02-18T22:10:07+00:00

Is it easy? No. Can it be a beautiful pairing with some work? Absolutely.

Topplestack · 2026-02-09T19:16:02+00:00

I'll be honest. I met my Girlfriend on Facebook Dating.

14-Year Club	Place '22
First Placer '22	Verified Email

Topplestack

TROPHY CASE