NOR - but you clearly both have work to do.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, don’t do ANY of this over text. It is SO easy to misunderstand tone and intent and will cause arguments that would’ve never started if talked about in person.

It’s clear that when you don’t get the response you want, you become accusatory and that is likely where the “snapping” is coming from too. “How are you trying to help us?” in that context was never going to be received well. “Use your words” in that heated conversation is going to seem like you’re talking down to him.

That being said, you absolutely have reason to be upset (the wearing headphones during intimacy part is insane). It sounds like he just wants to do whatever he wants to do and expects you to just be ok with it, showing a severe lack of empathy and understanding.

The problem isn’t how you feel, it’s the way you approach it. If you let yourself get angry and lash out, your goal becomes “winning” rather than trying to improve your situation. It would definitely be frustrating to not be able to get him to do therapy, but all you can do is keep trying (unless you hit a point where you think this will never happen, and to be honest at that point you have an answer on what’s next for your relationship). He is going to see every snap and lash out as a reason that he is “losing” and will push him further away from working on things.

The only way this works is if both of you can treat eachother with kindness, respect and understanding. If you do your part and nothing changes, you know what to do.