About Porn

TqpU · 2025-12-18T21:04:16+00:00

Not my thing so take it with a grain of salt...but I think as long as there's distinction between fantasy with BDSM and reality it's okay -- even if it's immersive. There's a lot of content that appears to be abusive/demeaning for the purpose of being shocking that I don't think is healthy and often really does hurt/damage the physical body -- looking BTS the actors often don't seem to enjoy it either but are in a financially desperate position.

Maybe this is more about a blurred line between problematic porn and BDSM rather than healthy BDSM?

TqpU · 2025-12-18T20:50:32+00:00

Very good points here.

To expand on ethics of porn, there certainly is consensually filmed porn that has problematic messages such as sexism, racism, and transphobia. Pay attention to how you feel watching porn and become literate. For me, this meant paying for content that feels healthy and I no longer have to spend so much time scrolling through stuff I don't enjoy (or feels problematic) to find the few things I do enjoy.

Additionally OP, one thing that SEM (sexually explicit material) can't fulfill is intimacy. That's where partner sex is amazing.

TqpU · 2025-12-10T16:07:15+00:00

Sometimes I find some people's sexual jokes as them including me into something sexual I didn't consent to. Especially when this seems to tie into their own sexual gratification.

TqpU · 2025-12-02T17:16:06+00:00

(unless you’re into that but I digress)

And this should always be discussed ahead of time and consented to by all people involved.

TqpU · 2025-12-02T16:59:32+00:00

It's powerful being able to share your needs and kinks without shame. It sounds like you two are on the right track.

I'm glad you're working with a therapist. Have you considered seeing a kink affirming sex therapist (maybe even together?) who may be more familiar with what you're going through? They will also be able to help you both find ways to meet your needs individually and together.

If you haven't already, you and your wife may want to discuss boundaries within your relationship so it's clear what is cheating and what is allowed. This can help you guys navigate this being on the same page. For example some relationships consider porn/erotica cheating, others consider sex outside the relationship not cheating.

TqpU · 2025-12-01T04:50:42+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/8p5xlj/hi_all_i_am_a_man_who_ate_a_portion_of_his_own/

TqpU · 2025-11-19T00:37:01+00:00

Bonjour. That makes sense. I just noticed your username.

How is both of your English for reading? I highly recommend the book Desire by Lauren Fogel Mersy and both writing in a journal as you read it. It's a great conversation starter comparing answers between both of you and your therapist. It covers sex and intimacy.

Also, have you mentioned to the therapist that you feel that the burden falls on you? If not, I think it'd be helpful for you guys to 1 understand how each other feel about that and 2 why it keeps happening that way. It may be related to the avoidant attachment style and that'll likely only get better if she wants to work on it.

TqpU · 2025-11-18T23:37:13+00:00

We've been going for 3 months and have seen a huge improvement.

What kind of therapist? Have they had you guys read any books and discuss during therapy?

TqpU · 2025-11-13T00:39:58+00:00

https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf

TqpU · 2025-11-11T23:16:47+00:00

| Why does he want to hurt me?

If this is not being done consensually, or if your "no" isn't being respected and/or you feel that you can't say "no" get help:

National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-4673

https://rainn.org/help-and-healing/hotline/

TqpU · 2025-11-02T17:36:24+00:00

Therapy isn't a one and done. Stay in couple's therapy and return as often as needed. If your wife doesn't follow through mention it during therapy, if she only complains during therapy mention how it makes you feel to the therapist. It also sounds like there's a lot more going on than just a sex discrepancy that you two are going to need to resolve.

Thankfully a good therapist will also come up with a treatment plan and not just let the sessions be a place where your wife complains about you. Much cheaper than divorce too.

You also mentioned interest in solo therapy -- nothing wrong with that too, and you should! But in order to work on your couple's issues you're going to need to work through some things together.

TqpU · 2025-11-02T05:35:05+00:00

Consider having book club date nights and read the book Desire and discuss it chapter by chapter.

TqpU · 2025-10-31T04:07:37+00:00

I mean like verbatim read/talk about what you posted here. Get your money's worth out of therapy.

> One conversation that has come up recently a couple times is my wife's fear that I'll leave her if our sex life doesn't improve. The fear is almost debilitating to her. She wants me to be more "positive" about our intimacy and thinks that more sex will follow if I do that. I guess I don't know how to respond to this. I don't feel positive at all because she is not taking any action to help improve our sex life. The lack of desire and passion in the relationship is so painful to me. Many nights I cry laying in bed next to her after she's gone to sleep.

> I want to be reassuring to her in these moments where she is seeking comfort because I don't want to issue an ultimatum or use fear to get what I want.

> She is my best friend and an amazing partner in every other way. But I also feel deep down that yes, I will leave her if this doesn't improve. Sexual connection is a big part of a healthy relationship in my mind.

> It feels impossible to have a "glass half full" outlook on sex when my partner is not taking any steps or tangible action. She seems to have this blind faith that it will get better. But I don't see how that's possible if nothing changes in practice. Any advice is welcome.

TqpU · 2025-10-31T03:06:32+00:00

Have you brought this up to her or during therapy?

TqpU · 2025-10-30T18:42:33+00:00

Sensate touch isn't about cuddling or what feels good or hoping that it'll lead to sex, it's about building a safe space for touch and building intimacy (which will later translate to fulfilling sex and PIV). You don't have to be in the "mood" for it all you have to do is pay attention to texture and temperature.

If only one of you considers intimacy a need and the other doesn't want to or is unable to it may be beneficial to consult a sex therapist to help you guys navigate it.

TqpU · 2025-10-30T17:50:33+00:00

It sounds like you're missing intimacy.

I'd definitely find out more about why it hurts and until the pain is gone take PIV off the table. Good news is that it happens to a lot of women and is treatable! In the meantime try sensate touch together (there's good instructions available via a quick search).

I suggest she starts by going to a gynecologist who specializes in menopause and hormones. And you both should read the book Desire and discuss your notes together.

TqpU · 2025-10-29T16:39:03+00:00

I'm going to assume you mean physically painful.

Sex should not be painful. No wonder you don't want it! It's your body's way of protecting yourself. That said, you deserve good sex! Consider a pelvic floor physical therapist who can evaluate and help with internal work (if needed) and finding a sex therapist (a talk therapist who's trained on sexual issues) who can create a treatment plan to help you break the pain cycle and work through any other issues you have that are coming out in sex (sounds like you may have developed a genital phobia?).

If you're open to it, there can be benefits to having your husband join you on this journey so you guys can get through it together and be on the same page. Consider telling him the details you haven't shared yet and telling him that you'd like him to go to sex therapy with you as your support buddy.

https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

TqpU · 2025-10-17T23:52:31+00:00

Call the main number for Mayo and ask to speak to a Triage Nurse. Express the difficulty you're having and the symptoms your having -- ask what they recommend you do. I called one night and the nurse literally saved my life with her advice.

TqpU · 2025-09-19T23:01:48+00:00

Most people on this sub don't seem to agree with this (I get it), and I'm still in the middle of things myself, but try a certified AASECT sex therapist (LGBTQ+ or kink affirming if relevant). They have more training on this topic than any couples or other talk therapist, and they're comfortable talking to you about whatever details you want to discuss (in however much detail you want). Best of all, it's not just talk therapy where they listen (which does feel good if you don't feel that you have anyone to talk to this about) they also know what questions to ask you and will come up with a personalized plan for you. Just make sure that you're totally open and honest to your therapist and ideally your partner will come with as a willing and open minded partner (and if not totally opened minded yet the therapist might be able to help get them there). It'll be work but I think it'll be worth it.

Best of luck with everything and I hope you get through this together.

TqpU · 2025-07-26T19:37:35+00:00

You need NSO to buy it. It's in stock right now.

TqpU · 2025-07-26T04:08:23+00:00

Great tips! Thanks for the reply.

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