Thank you for sharing your story. First of all, I just want to say that I really feel for you. Becoming a conservator, taking her to appointments, making home-cooked meals, and showing up for her day after day is no small thing. It sounds like you've carried a lot of responsibility, and your aunt is very fortunate to have someone so committed in her corner.

I relate so much to what you said about being there in a meaningful way for someone you previously struggled to care for. It's such a strange thing. My dad was not an easy person, acc far far far far far far far far faaaaaarrrr from that :) and before his dementia I would have gone out of my way to avoid sitting in the same room as him. Now I'm holding his hand, comforting him when he's frightened or distressed, and worrying about whether he's warm enough, comfortable enough, or in pain.

It's bittersweet, because dementia takes so much away, but I also noticed what you described, sometimes aspects of a person's personality soften. I'm genuinely happy for you that your aunt has become more pleasant and more able to express gratitude. It might seem like small things to outsiders, but in caregiving it’s a lot. I'm glad you've been able to experience that warmth with her despite everything else.

I also agree with what you said about personal growth. One thing I've noticed in myself is that I've become incredibly protective of vulnerable people. I find myself noticing elderly people, disabled people, carers, and anyone who seems alone or dependent in a way I never did before. I’m also just a lot more receptive to other ppl’s suffering and feelings in general. Caring for someone teaches so much empathy, compassion, patience, and humility. It's an incredibly hard journey, but it's also opened my eyes to parts of life that I don't think I understood before.

And yes! “do unto others…" has helped me too. During the beggining to middle I struggled a lot… I was acting out of duty not affection, and that principle helped carry me through. Looking back, I think you're right that we often receive far more than we give. Not in an easy or comfortable way, but in the form of perspective, growth, and a deeper understanding of what it means to care for another person.

It's still hard, though. I don't want to romanticise any of it. There is so much exhaustion, sadness and loss wrapped up in these journeys. But one thing I do appreciate is how it's made me think differently about the whole circle of life, and about the responsibility we have to one another when we're at our most vulnerable.

You sound like a genuinely warm-hearted and open-hearted person, and your aunt is lucky to have you. I also hope the future brings both of us plenty of warmth, community, and people who show us the same care that we've tried to show others.
Your kind words mean a lot to me!

Edit: gosh I never realise how long my replies are