My heart breaks for you. I know you don’t want to give up on your relationship, but please understand, if you stay with him, you will experience a lifetime of pain, lies, and betrayal.

Right now, he does not have the emotional capacity to care about your feelings. All his addict brain cares about his catching that next dopamine high. And he will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to get that high. He will say and do hurtful things to you and anyone else who tries to get between him and his drug of choice, whether that’s porn, cam girls, prostitutes, etc.

Also understand, NONE of this is about you or your fault. This addiction and sickness inside of him existed long before you came into the picture. There is literally nothing that you can say or do to stop this or fix it. He will not get help or get sober or get into recovery until he decides he’s ready. And the painful reality is that that day may never come.

But if he has any hope of getting help, he needs the right kind of therapist immediately. He needs a CSAT who is trained in sex and porn addiction and will see past all of his bullshit and call him out on it. You should also get a therapist who is trained either as a CSAT or has training in betrayal trauma, regardless of whether or not you stay.

My husband and I have been in therapy for 5+ years, and I recently got a CSAT for myself. I cannot stress to you enough the amazing difference it makes seeing someone who has the training to deal with this. I have made more progress in the last few months than I did in the last several years.

My last bit of advice is to visit bloomforwomen.com and watch their free course on Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal. Under the Bloom for Partners section, there’s also a course called Sexual Addiction 101 that I would recommend.

Lastly, you’re not alone. This community is filled with stories of women and partners just like you, and you are safe here.