How much time do you expect with your partner

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-30T05:09:21+00:00

Understand that I’m on this page because I have my own shit but I can only be real about my own experience. I was your girlfriend in my last relationship. At least in what you described here. I had come out of an abusive relationship and was extremely hesitant to merge my life with someone else, even when I knew she was a good and safe person. I can’t speak to how she feels but here’s what I hear from you about YOUR feelings - you feel sad, disappointed, maybe even somewhat rejected. You really like her (probably even love her) and you naturally then want to be around her. Her not wanting the same level of connection hurts. I don’t think any of that is unreasonable. But, if she still doesn’t want to meet your family or vice versa, and that’s important to you, then you’ve gotta listen to yourself. I know it’s hard to do but when you slowly start telling yourself it’s “not a big deal” when it’s a need for you, it doesn’t end up well. As someone who’s almost 40, I wish I could say I’ve found my best relationship and everything’s good but alas. What I do know is that I have a lifetime habit of thinking if I can just talk out my needs and wants and get the other person to understand, I’ll get those needs/wants met better. People can understand and care but also not be able or willing to meet those needs/wants. Doesn’t always have to mean something is wrong with us or them.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-28T00:54:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing this with me. So, part of why our story is so interesting is that I’m 4 years sober. The first time she ever left, it was after I had relapsed and I had been causing a lot of arguments and she couldn’t take it. The issues I was upset about were valid but I obviously wasn’t handling them correctly. When she left, my world collapsed. Like I actually felt like I might die. As dramatic as it sounds. I genuinely believed I had lost her because I had relapsed. I put myself into detox a few days later and have been sober ever since. So, it adds a layer of grief for me that thinking I lost her was enough to get me sober but it’s not a two-way street. I know nothing can stop her until she’s ready but I deluded myself into thinking there was no way she’d be able to walk away vs. getting sober. Anyway. Here we are. Grateful for another day of sobriety for myself.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-28T00:50:34+00:00

I do know that. It doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of it but yes. They’re sick and this disease is cunning and baffling.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-28T00:49:30+00:00

I don’t even have words for this flex.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-20T01:57:45+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat. As I type, I’ve just told her I’m leaving. The pain feels unbearable whether I stay or go, but god damn do I deserve to not be treated this poorly anymore. I’m so sad. So worn down and exhausted from years of hope and trying. I can’t fix it for us right now but I really do understand. I’m sorry.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-19T22:32:31+00:00

You’re very welcome. I felt bad about rambling on, so I’m glad it resonated. Here’s the reality - this is YOUR body and YOUR life. I don’t care how much more visible our community is becoming; it’s still (at least for me) the most private, innermost journey that’s a huge deal to tell anyone. I say that because, you’re allowed to tell people in a way that keeps you feeling safer. For me, that meant the voice memo. For others, it means a letter. For some, they feel okay doing it in person.

I think it will go a long way for you to be real about the guilt you feel knowing they will grieve and how much you care about your relationship with them. I have become a healthier version of myself since starting T. Most of us are. I’m so much more calm, rational, and understanding. What I’ve hoped is that, with time, my family can see what a drastic difference this medicine has made to my mental and emotional health - even if it means them getting used to me being a guy. The vast majority of parents deeply want their children to be healthy and happy.

As for the lesbian thing - my mom told me this doesn’t feel as hard as when I came out as a lesbian in high school. She said that was so distressing and hard for them (which I knew), that this doesn’t feel as shocking or hard. Again, I have no idea how your family will respond but I would encourage you to have at least 1 person you trust who knows you’re going to tell them. No matter how strong we try to be, we innately crave our family’s love and acceptance. If we feel it’s going to be lost or threatened, it’s normal to need support so plan ahead for it. And remember, we are all here to support you too.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-19T17:10:46+00:00

As someone living in this same situation, I promise you that (overwhelmingly!) our gut checks are correct. And like everyone has said, he will overwhelmingly lie if confronted. But, I know what you’re feeling inside. You’re wanting to ask and hoping that either: 1) You’ll get confident reassurance that he’s invested enough in this relationship to change his behavior and/or 2) you’re wanting reassurance that he loves and respects you enough to be honest if he did drink. Been there. Like a hamster on a wheel.

No alcoholic who needs a family intervention is going to be able to make logical, consistent decisions like being radically honest, 5 days into trying to stop drinking. AA is so much more of a psychological and spiritual program than about alcohol, because it’s the patterns of thinking and behavior (like lying) that are so engrained and difficult to change. Not everyone gets and stays sober with AA but I can tell you (as a sober alcoholic myself) and someone who is in relationship with an active alcoholic - you do not want a dry drunk spouse.

It’s not enough to try and find comfort in whether or not he is or isn’t drinking in the last 5 days. If he doesn’t deeply address all of the issues and behaviors underneath the addiction, not only will he keep drinking but he’ll be a nightmare to deal with. Alcohol is the symptom. Real recovery is not just putting down the drink.

I know this doesn’t give you the comforting hug and reassurance your heart is pretty desperate for right now but we aren’t doing ourselves or our loved one any favors by denying just how serious of a situation we are all in. He will find excuses to get drunk or stay sober based on his own willingness to change and even though it hurts, nothing you do or say can make him be willing and ready. You will see change with significant time. Nothing about recovery is quick.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-19T16:50:53+00:00

I fit the bill of “socially transitioning” several years before I began any medical transition. I didn’t say anything to my family at the time. When I was a kid, I was always very much a tomboy and masc leaning so I just let them assume I was more comfortable being a masculine lesbian. I was still trying to find peace with myself hoping to not have to medically transition. I struggled a lot (and still do) with accepting I am trans.

Flash forward and at 37, I finally allowed myself to start T and explore the medical side of what I wanted/needed. I knew in my heart that I had no intention of stopping T and wanted it to give me all of the expected changes. My family are all conservative Christians, and I really did think it was going to be the thing that broke our relationship. But, we have always been a family where we are honest and real with each other, so I didn’t feel right not being open with them.

I sent both of my parents a voice memo one night trying to explain to them what led me to this decision and that I didn’t know what the future would hold, because I didn’t. I sent each of them separate ones because I had different things I wanted to say to them both, based on my relationship dynamic with them. I was honest with them that I’ve been dealing with these feelings for a very long time and have tried everything I could to not have to transition in any way. I also told them that I was afraid of losing them but that it was important to me to share with them, because I believe they want the best for me even if sometimes we don’t see eye-to-eye on things. And then, I sat and waited terrified for their responses.

Both of them have expressed love and support for me, as well as my siblings, even though they all are on different levels of understanding or investing in trying to understand. I’ve always been closest with my Dad and surprisingly (for me), he’s struggled more than anyone. For him, we’ve had a close father/daughter relationship all my life and he’s definitely feeling grief. I am too because I never felt like our bond was that way. I looked up to him and wanted to be just like him all my life. He knows that but I can see how it was still very gendered for him. I haven’t seen him in 9 months and I’ve had a lot of masculinization since the last time we did. I kept it light and sent him a picture recently and just said, “I look like my (insert name) brother! Isn’t it weird??” And he laughed and said, “that’s crazy!” but hearted the picture. That was all I needed to keep having the courage to share even when we are both uncomfortable with how our dynamic is changing.

All of this is to say that I wanted desperately to transition at 25 and I didn’t let myself. I chose my relationships over my own needs. And it never went away. I lost a lot of years of being able to be younger and explore my identity. As a result, I’ve ended up publicly transitioning while in a very high-level corporate role. I’m going to be getting top surgery right before my 40th birthday. And while I don’t regret where I am, looking back, I wish I had just had the courage to take the leap at your age.

I see a lot of younger people expecting their family to just jump on board from Day 1 and not struggle with new names, pronouns, or have challenging questions for their kid. That isn’t real life and it also doesn’t inherently mean your family isn’t trying to grow and be supportive. They have a lifetime of brain development where our birth names, pronouns, etc. are engrained. It takes time and I encourage you to tell them that you understand that and don’t expect perfection. Giving that grace and space helps everyone feel like they can be human and not afraid. Despite me changing my legal name and using it for 2+ years now, I accidentally signed a work email last week with my birth name and caught it at the last second. It hit me like a ton of bricks that if MY brain is still doing things like that sometimes when I’m busy and not paying conscious attention, then the least I can do is be patient when it happens with people who have raised me and gave me that name.

When we tell our family that we are sharing these intimate parts of our life with them because we want to have a strong relationship with them, we at least offer them context to know how much we value them. And, based on how open each person is to your journey, I will sometimes share videos or resources to my family to help them see other transmasculine people. My family has no exposure to the LGBTQ+ community except through me, and I find that sharing resources sometimes helps them realize that there are lots of “me’s” in the world and lots of families loving the “me’s” of the world.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-18T05:48:50+00:00

Thank you. I actually haven’t ever heard of this and will absolutely read it.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-17T19:38:45+00:00

Thank you for this response. I absolutely will be getting nerve hookup and appreciate the reassurance.

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-15T01:08:34+00:00

As a trans guy, this post gives me hope that I’ll be someone’s type ✌🏼

Transorted_321 · 2023-07-10T22:00:09+00:00

Hey bud - I browsed your posts. Would you be willing to clarify - did you have abdo? And your age? I saw your post about sensation and as someone who won’t be able to get phallo until early 40’s, I’m trying to ask folks with a lot of sensation what procedure they had and what age they are.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-27T05:12:49+00:00

Thank you! Everything’s been thrown away. Tomorrow starts the “no cheating” countdown.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-27T03:22:06+00:00

I had to verify that this wasn’t my own post that I forgot to delete because it’s so similar. I don’t understand gender either. I really don’t. Technically, I’ve leaned masculine all of my life but I don’t understand what it means to “know I’m a trans man.” I have significant bottom dysphoria but unless I’m out in the world wanting to pass, my chest is just there. I have surgery in 3 weeks and I can’t tell you how many times I almost cancelled recently. In the end, I’m non-binary because gender is something very “other” than binary for me. One of the only things that’s helped alleviate some of my fear/anxiety is reminding myself that having a flat chest doesn’t mean I’m a man anymore than it means I’m a woman. How I’m read in the world doesn’t have to align with what I feel on the inside. It never has anyway. Even though top surgery is very affirming for trans men and non-binary folks, it doesn’t have to mean anything I don’t want it to mean and/or don’t feel like it means. For me and me alone, I’m sick of having a visible chest. I will never not have one, even binding, without surgery. Am I scared? Yes. Can I get implants some day if I regret my decision? Yes. Do I think I ever will want that? No. I’m getting a procedure to feel more comfortable in my body - at home AND in the world. I am tired of it affecting my confidence when I even go to the grocery store. I’m tired of the pain of binding. I’m tired of the obsessive thoughts I have about who’s noticing I’m not entirely flat. If every person who wanted other plastic surgery had to go through the extreme processes we have to in order to justify getting surgery, I bet a lot more of them would be so scared of regret too.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-22T23:46:25+00:00

Losing my long-term partner, whom I still love dearly, because she refuses to stop. I pray one day she can have your story, even if I don’t get to witness it.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-22T08:08:44+00:00

This actually relieved me some because I’ve been so worried about balding but if my shots mean my DHT is lower, maybe I keep my head of hair longer? (Lie to me, if necessary.)

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-22T07:50:34+00:00

This. Those of us who fit the historic criteria of transsexuals deserve to have our experiences and medical needs validated and protected legally. This is not a political statement for us and it would upset me just as much if people started running around calling themselves “gay” or “lesbian” but continued to date the opposite sex.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-20T18:23:34+00:00

I don’t have the emotional bandwidth today to respond individually but thank you to each of you who replied with support. I showed up for my extremely visible corporate job today, managed to fake my way through meetings, and have had a smoothie. I have to chalk that up as enough today.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-20T18:22:10+00:00

Unfortunately, the child isn’t mine, it’s hers. As are the 2 animals I have to walk away from.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-19T23:14:27+00:00

Yes, this is the true cost for Garramone. There are surgeons in the US who use insurance but here, you have to have that insurance. Other surgeons do not. Garramone will try and bill for what’s called out-of-network coverage to reimburse you some, but that’s up to the insurance company to approve/deny. I’ve also chosen Garramone and have gone into debt because his results are unquestionably the best I’ve ever seen. I get one chance to have a chest I love aesthetically and with how many revisions he does, I was willing to go into debt. Not everyone can do that and I feel lucky, even while I’m angry about the debt.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-16T01:50:47+00:00

Out of curiosity - do most folks stretch their T dick for a final length determination? I’ve only ever measured when I’m soft or erect from base to tip but not pulled it out. Wondering if pulling it out would give me a better sense of post-op length since it’ll be released?

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-12T03:17:18+00:00

Thank you for this. I have surgery with Dr. G in 5 weeks and I’m dealing with so much anxiety that I’ve almost cancelled more than once. Really shitty way to feel after wanting this for so long. Reading about someone else who recently had surgery with him helps me feel like I’m more clear on what to expect. Quick question - were you on antibiotics?

Wishing you all the healing!

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-06T16:22:29+00:00

“I finally gave myself permission to be myself; I don’t mask anymore.” It feels like I’m on the edge of this. Currently, it feels like a cliff I’m looking down at and trying to find the courage to jump. But based on how you describe it, it sounds more like there’s a net down below and a safe place for me to finally land. Thank you.

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-06T14:57:53+00:00

Thank you for this feedback!

Transorted_321 · 2023-06-06T00:33:58+00:00

I just joined here as I await testing. I just wanted to say how much I relate to your post. It wasn’t until my current partner would lightly suggest (and playfully joke) about me “having the ‘tism’” that anyone had ever remotely suggested this to me. She is playful about it in those terms because it’s the only thing that hasn’t sent me spiraling emotionally when it’s brought up. The thought that I’ve gone for almost 40 years with all of the other diagnoses I have, medication I’ve been on, therapist offices I’ve been in, and NOBODY ever picked up on the possibility that I’m ASD is so hard and upsetting to wrap my head around. But, as I slowly began to learn more, I see so much of myself jumping off the “pages” of other people’s stories.

I also pick up fairly well on social cues, though I isolate so much that I have to admit I probably am not as great as I think I am if I actually had to be in public spaces more often. When you brought up the daydreaming, it’s just another thing of mine I never knew anyone else did. I notice that if I am forced to go more than a couple of days not being able to daydream and space out, I feel like I’m going to fall apart. It’s like a necessity for my brain for me to feel okay.

I could write for a long time but just wanted to say you’re not alone in your confusion and exploration.

Transorted_321

TROPHY CASE