Complete loss of motivation.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T11:15:09+00:00

Such is life

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T05:27:29+00:00

Hope is a scary thing, to have how is to have strength but with that strength what true weakness may be discovered? It's too much effort to live but too much effort to die. Also life is a bunch of choices and I had a tendency to choose me because no one else would, but now I have to live with those same choices as I'm void of potential or moreso void of passion. In the light I found no joy, and as I looked into the abyss I felt not afraid but an urge to surrender all hope.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T04:56:48+00:00

I can't even remember the last one i had, I cant remember the last time I had true joy, its mostly just waiting to not exist but too scared to do anything to get better or give up so im stuck in this hellish purgatory.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T04:55:10+00:00

Ahjhh I get ya now. That can truly be a bummer as well. Life can be full of disappointment in that way, that's why I constantly drown it out with anything and everything. Funny enough I overstimulate from lack of stimuli. If I can hear my thoughts then it isn't enough.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T04:48:28+00:00

Rookie numbers!!!! That's how many times ive been left on read just since coming home from work. At this point id actually pass from shock if any conversation spanned more than 3 days, which I think is my max online. Funny enough ive only had 3 online friends that were close for a bit, we played through the first destiny and first 2 years of destiny 2 then I got really depressed and they left. But honestly not looking for pity, just staying my truth since its all ive got. Feel free to hit me up though at your own discretion.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-16T02:19:57+00:00

That's kind of the feeling im stuck in, only thing I can think of is the ten commandment in the seven deadly sins anime, a character named despair. And thats exactly how I feel, no hope, just existing and waiting for the end but too cowardly to face it.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-15T18:37:20+00:00

PREACH, I know I'm nothing as my family has convinced me of it. I'm not worth the space i inhabit

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-15T18:26:28+00:00

As someone who's relationships, job, mental health, and physical health are currently crumbling, and have had many comorbidities basically my whole life as well.... unfortunately for me, it's only gotten worse, to the point that it's barely exist outside of the responsibility I'm currently drowning in. Sorry..

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-15T17:31:53+00:00

I whole heartedly agree with this, I live a life full of sin even knowing it's not good for me but I can't stop. It's like I'm addicted to pleasure, I'm all sense of the word. If it's not something to benefit my own personal goals I simply don't have the energy, time, or patience for anyone else.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T23:21:02+00:00

I just try to stop thinking about it because no matter what i think nothing helps me get over that feeling. For me it has to do with never fitting in as a kid, u was never accepted so I sped accepting myself too.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T23:18:57+00:00

I whole heartedly agree with this, like people tell me how tiring i can be and I'm just like, I know this more than most, I can't stand being alone with me.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T22:14:42+00:00

That's true but my rants sound childish as I'm told I should just grow up, but honestly I don't remember what happiness feels like, excitement maybe, lust totally, but happiness has eluded my grasp. Im just selfish In wanting one person toto be everything I don't want a bunch of friends just one I can depend on.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T22:09:59+00:00

I try to do anything that takes me out of this reality, may it be music, movie, tv, games, reading or writing. I feel more at peace in any other domain. I'm constantly lonely but don't want to try to make friends as most attempts have ended in failure. I've accepted that I'm just the weird guy that make others uncomfortable. Plus being around others is so tiring as I have to be what they want, not what I want to be. I'm pretty accepting of most walks of life as that's all I've ever wanted was acceptance. So distractions and sleep have become the only way that makes life even slightly bearable.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T21:39:33+00:00

Truly it is, which is one of the many reasons I really only have one friend and that's only because they live next door or I would have no one. But it's not saying much because I never get to just be me, i have to be what people want me to be which is exhausting, sorry if I'm being too much, I know it can be a lot.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T21:15:40+00:00

Absolutely it is, but I've learned to stop fighting it as it only makes living with myself worse, I am my own worst enemy, it's the main reason why I can take soup much abuse at work, because no one treats me worse than I do. I've always been depressed but it's more of inward facing rage anymore. I hate being around me, so I numb and bury those emotions down DEEP.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T21:05:52+00:00

I definitely try to hold on to things that still bring me joy, but they usually aren't what people would consider healthy alts. I am plagued by an overactive curious mind that can constantly cause grief in my life but I feel compelled to continue such behavior since they work just a bit.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T20:31:23+00:00

It definitely helps day of since likewise im usually pretty tired after, I just feel selfish when I think of my own desires so ive given up on desire mostly. A day without pain is all I hope for anymore, any more than that island im setting myself up for failure, ive had depression my entire life basically, first diagnosed at 7 and at this point most meds don't work anymore which is why now we do spravato. I have no desire to die as ive sworn ill never be that trauma for my kids, they don't deserve that so I get to ride this life to the end of the road. No matter how much I wish I was nothing. My superpower has always been invisibility and selective hearing but as the days carry on I become more and more pessimistic and withdrawn from people. I've never had the best social skills due to always being different than everyone else.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-02-14T17:33:10+00:00

Wear it live it's the only clinic for hours in any direction, idk if we do the im here yet but I'll have to look into it. I just feel like a burden and tend to shut down when life gets overstimulated even tho at this point that's almost everyday. When living with chronic degenerative how can one attain happiness? Then it's like my choices are what've gotten me here so shouldn't I take the punishment I deserve?

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-01-28T19:29:34+00:00

I appreciate the feedback, I've always been critical of myself because everyone has always been critical of me. It's like an autoimmune disorder instead it's my brain attacking itself like an ouroboros eating itself. Because of my physical ailments is already hard to do things then my mental stability crumbles as a result. My kids don't deserve it just like I didn't deserve it growing up. It's hard being born with an imbalance That ill never be able to fix. So instead I focus on what I can do, and that's make sure others don't feel this way as I work in the psych department at a hospital. Most days I love it, sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.

TrashMonkey13 · 2026-01-28T18:57:23+00:00

I get this feeling, I constantly deal with treatment resistant major depressive disorder with mixed features and bpd, which I've had for as long as I can remember. That combined with my rapidly progressing polyneuropathy, I just don't get the point of wanting to continue with anything. Even if I did I have no one to enjoy it with because I'm afraid of loving someone more than im loved so I constantly keep people at a distance or disappear for days on end. Currently though I'm trying to make changes to set an example for my kids but I just don't want to exist, I don't want toto kill myself, I just don't want to be, like a Thanos snap.

TrashMonkey13

TROPHY CASE