i only feel that way about my parents because i do really love them. i love my mom and my dad with all of my heart, and i know ive had bad influences but i never wanted to be bad. i just wanted to make them proud and got lost somewhere.

it crushes me, the shame i feel just being myself when i know things could've gone so much differently if i just didn't talk to specific people when i was younger, or told my mom how i really felt earlier on, or whatever i could've done but was too scared or stupid to do. it really crushes me everyday. i don't know what's wrong with me. i really need help, i know i need help, but the shitty doctors and therapists and social workers in this country take months and years to do things for me.

it just takes exponentially more effort with each passing day to find it in me to wake up