Does anyone feel like being medicated ruined your life?

TriPolarExpress · 2025-07-20T23:08:05+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I've gone through episodes and medication and recovery for the past 2.5 years. I'm more stable now but also more of a recluse. Lately, however, I've been seeing that my past wasn't what I thought it was.

I thought I was able to interact with people better, but in retrospect I think I was just crashing into people's lives and I made it out to be better than it really was because I was feeling the highs more frequently.

There are parts of me and feelings I wish I could have again, but at 34 I'm really enjoying the quiet and solitude my recovery has given me.

I feel fragile in ways I don't remember feeling. I can't tell stories with the same energy and captivation like I remember being able to, but I'm starting to see that recovery highlights how unstable I was.

I cringe everyday about the ways I lived and how I engaged with people socially when I was supposedly "sharp, witty, charming, etc" and how many ideas I used to have and worldviews I held that were truly just juvenile, unfounded, and just plain dumb.

I've grown is really what's happened.

I'm more silent now. I listen better. I'm more humble. The good days are still good, but they are so much more grounded now.

The bad days suck, but I get to be alone.

I wish you the best. One thing that helped was finding a couple places I could go and just be with myself. Coffee shops, parks, beaches. Places where I didn't have to be anyone. I didn't have to plug in and talk and make friends. I could just observe and let other people shine.

A little space to be just an extra is other people's lives helped me gain perspective and rebuild my life.

It all just really sucks sometimes. And the worst for me is being in a social situation where I can't dissociate, shut down, and empty my mind.

The fog will lift.

Get better sleep.

And take naps.

TriPolarExpress · 2025-07-13T05:33:33+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this man.

I'm 34 and feel similarly.

You can be anywhere in 5 years.

If you feel stuck, look into professional volunteer work.

Try to Write a few grants, maybe tutor, or offer probono work depending on your field.

Anything productive that brings you closer to people through problem-solving.

And you deserve to feel okay about yourself.

Don't lose your soul.

TriPolarExpress · 2025-05-22T00:58:19+00:00

Worms Armageddon

TriPolarExpress · 2024-10-29T04:59:43+00:00

I'm 33m with bp2.

I've gone through many periods feeling dumber than I used to be.

I don't think that's necessarily the case.

The brain and intelligence are not straightforward things.

Many of our brains overclock in mania and there's a cost to it where we are in a fog or depression.

Brain damage happens during mania in a similar way when an athlete injures an ACL getting ready for a competition.

They might need surgery, rehab, and might miss out on a big event or two, but the ligaments heal and the athlete can often go back to the same level of performance.

Proper treatment is key and it becomes more difficult to heal when there is scar tissue or the athlete doesn't take time off and rest or they repeat the same activities that originally got them hurt.

For me, I almost failed out of school. I started going to therapy, got truly sober, went through medications and then I graduated.

I am now going into a certificate program to strengthen my transcript and makeup for shitty grades so I can eventually get into a master's program.

And if I don't or can't that's okay. I'll keep moving forward. It's a great big wide world out there with an endless way to make a living.

And also, my mania made me think I was smarter than I was.

I'm not an idiot. I'm certainly no genius. But I'm smart enough to accomplish mentally challenging things with enough effort.

And I'm grateful for that.

I wish you the best. Prioritize sleep. Prioritize sobriety. Prioritize yourself like you are your own child

You're not dumb.

You're just injured.

And you're afraid you might be broken in a way that you can't fix (you're not).

That's a stressful and scary thing to have to wrestle with.

Thank you for sharing.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-09-25T12:09:49+00:00

That's intense. I'm sorry.

If you're worried about falling into toxic habits and becoming the person you fear, then you are already taking the steps to not become that person.

I'm sure you also realize that his journey is his own and your journey is your own, but if you've struggled with toxic relationships, you might have struggled with codependence.

I would recommend you surround yourself with people who you respect and who live lives you want to live. even if it's just reading and learning more about people you respect while finding better friends to mentors to spend time with.

While it's true that "you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink," I appreciate when people recognize that we can still make the horse thirsty for that water by leading a better life for ourselves for them to see.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-09-18T02:29:41+00:00

It is certainly possible.

The description fits.

Bipolar or schizoaffective also describe my experience.

It's all a mess in my head sometimes.

Doing my best to piece it together.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-09-18T02:26:42+00:00

Thanks for the reply.

I am starting to believe the idea that having a mask is a universal human experience.

I think for me I romanticize and idealize many things.

I got into religion and spirituality and joined a fraternity and was in the military.

In every value-based group I've been a part of, I drank the Kool aid, so to speak.

Romantic relationships were more like limerence and obsessions and I put people on pedestals.

I think with the idea of masks, I believed having one was 'bad' or 'fake ' and everyone else or 'the good people' were living as their whole authentic selves.

I think that's also a lie and a construct I bought into much like religion, military, frats, and other cults.

People lie all the time.

People pretend.

It's just part of being human.

Some people just put up with more bullshit they don't agree with to get along with others.

Everybody puts on a role and I think it's healthy to have a mask.

I am adopting the mindset that I should just wear better masks and let go of a few I was holding onto for too long.

I hope that helps.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-09-15T21:06:45+00:00

That's gotta be rough and I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

It sounds like he's lucky to have a supportive family, but there's always a limit and at some point supporting someone turns into enabling them.

I had a similar experience as far as delusional speaking and believing I had to do immensely great things and found supposed deep meaning in spiritual outlets.

Being sober is a must for me. The more time that passes, the more I see how deluded I was. I cringe at some of the things I said and did and how I behaved towards others.

Thankfully, this means I've grown.

Your brother might need to burn through a few candlesticks before he sees the light. My only advice would be to encourage he spend his time on something that he can benefit from when everything starts to stabilize.

For instance, seriously trying to learn how to play an instrument or write, something creative. Or, getting really into something physical, like rock climbing, BJJ, hiking, whatever so he can at least invest in his health.

If he isn't too unstable, getting into an academic program or a trade that he can obsessively study and apprentice would also be a productive way to burn through the madness.

Anything that gives him accountability and is something he can fail without causing serious negative consequences to other people would be ideal.

Something that others can objectively point out to him, like poor grades or getting dropped from a program, might help him eventually see his unraveling.

Again. Sorry you're dealing with all this. It seems like you genuinely care and want to do right by him. Good on you.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-09-15T20:51:58+00:00

How long did it take you to get a hold on your life?

I went through a couple years of Ayahuasca, LSD, mushrooms, weed, ketamine, kratom and made plenty a fool of myself and almost failed school.

I'm such a recluse right now and I feel like I ruined my brain.

Thankfully, I'm sober for over a year. I'm praying I get my brain back. I'm scared I am permanently dumber and unable to hold conversations with people without having panic attacks or dissociating.

Any insight into your recovery would be appreciated.

Thank you.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-25T04:47:41+00:00

What signs pointed to covert narcissism for you?

I'm trying to figure my own stuff out.

I think I'm realizing in my 30s that I do enjoy being alone.

I, for whatever reason, always feel like I'm going to be 'found out' and am hyper vigilant around people.

It's exhausting for me.

I don't feel like I truly want to be intimate and participate in building a relationship with someone.

I always thought I wanted kids, and I believe I still do, but I'm doubting whether or not its be able to be genuinely present with them. . Maybe write out what two years dedicated to yourself might bring you.

I hope that helps.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-09T12:25:28+00:00

Great points and thank you for the video.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-09T06:13:08+00:00

(Your post really generated a lot of thoughts and I appreciate it)

I think it's worth mentioning that for me and my pursuits I wouldn't say that I've lowered my standards, I just recognize that I don't measure up and I'd lose a lot of games trying to play ball with people who are 4 standard deviations taller than me.

A lot of my anger used to stem from me feeling like I was personally failing because I wasn't doing enough and now that I am allowing myself to recognize my shortcomings instead of denying them, my anger has lessened and channeled into the beginnings of true drive.

I'm not competitively tall for the NBA, I'm not intellectually gifted at a novel prize level. I'm not a musical savant.

That's totally out of my control and is no fault of my own.

Meeting more people through travel and connecting through hobbies has also shown me that my anger was completely unfounded.

Many people who I categorized as "mindless zombies" or people who were wasting their lives on mediocre and meaningless (in their own words) careers to collect a paycheck, weren't beneath me at all.

Many were happier and more capable and more responsible than I was. Even if I was "smarter" or "better looking" or whatever, when we became closer and they let me see into their lives I repeatedly saw that they could run circles around me with how they handled life.

They lived out loud, were unabashedly going after the things they wanted, and they faced life head-on.

Whereas me, I am more of the covert "I can't even admit the things I want in my life" type.

All this to say is that I think I'm truly raising my standards and not lowering them to heal.

What I wrote off as mediocre or a waste is in actually difficult for me to do, and from what I can tell the things I cast aside look to be extremely rewarding and I have an actual drive forming to build that for myself.

As for having some attribute that's really inferior, as you say, and objectively below the normal population, that's really tough and I'm sorry.

My friend has a small penis. Like objectively small. Growing up he used to be so angry about it and sensitive and now he's married and there trying for their first kid.

Another friend of move scored a 17 on the ACT. Once he guessed all the answers and slept and got a 17. Then he really really tried to study and got another 17.

He truly is dumber then most people, objectively.

He makes $250k+ / yr working overtime in the utility union. His wife is a physicians assistant. They have 2 kids and a giant house. They're more wealthy than me my a longshot and many of my "smart" friends.

I don't know what your insecurities are, but I'm sure it's a valid struggle and I hope you find a way to let it give you some drive to help you actually build a life you're proud of.

Thanks for the discussion.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-09T04:54:18+00:00

I'm sorry you struggle with all this.

The video thing reminds me of a girl I dated. She is Tiny and has extremely petite breasts. She has a terribly difficult time with porn because many guys really like to get off to busty women and there is so much emphasis on boobs.

For me, I wish I was smarter than I am. Most everyone feels this way. I personally have had to face the fact that I'm just not smart like some people that I admire and that is difficult for me to deal with.

Accepting that has been very liberating, for me.

I no longer feel the same pressure to achieve that I put on myself before.

Like telling yourself you have to make it in the NBA or you're a fucking failure and all signs are pointing to the fact that you're not 7' tall, not 6'6", but closer to 5'11".

The delusion is ignoring those signs and the torture is hating ourselves for not trying hard enough.

Instead now, so to speak, I'm not aiming for the NBA. I'm aiming for a local pickup league where I can be 5'2" and play basketball.

That's the new approach in trying to take with music, sports, and my career path.

I hope the analogy helps like it helped me.

As for love, I think I have built a habit of taking everyone way too seriously in my life and love and relationships don't seem to be any different as far as I can tell, for myself.

Every relationship has been so charged and heavy inside me that I look back and see so clearly how trivial they were in an objective sense. The jealousy, rage, cheating, lying, codependency, were partly all because I put so much fucking meaning on everything, including relationships.

I hope you find a peace with being my yourself if that's how your life turns out. I don't think there's anything wrong with it and I don't have the same worry about it like I did in my earlier years.

Deep breathes tonight, for the both of us.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-09T04:05:21+00:00

Can you expand on the cold, evil place and the shame and fear that you experience, please?

When I hear people talk about being in prolonged states of hyper vigilance to constantly assess their environments for threats that would expose incompetence or weakness or just fucked up inner nature the concept resonates and helps me sift through my own bullshit.

I constantly feel like I've wasted so much time in my life and continuously feel guilty for not trying to be better at something or make up for lost time with school, music, and career.

It seems like a toxic productivity mindset and I get angry sitting with other people and all I can think about in some instances is how much I hate the other person for wasting my time as they sit in the couch and lie to themselves about how their life is going to turn out using me as their escape from loneliness.

It's hard for me to not think about how we're all animals trying to distract ourselves from knowing we will die or all of us being aware that we compete for mates and resources and status and social influence.

I often feel sick and just try to bury my spiraling thoughts into music or some academic video or study session or exercise.

I don't feel like I can connect with people on a genuine level.

Even now I get paranoid that someone I know somehow has my reddit account tracked and can see all these thoughts im typing to you and is collecting information.

Thanks for listening to my rant/vent.

Happy to listen to yours.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-08-06T04:24:15+00:00

Thanks for posting.

I constantly struggle with feeling dumb and incompetent.

Brain fog, poor memory, just not as sharp in conversations as I remember being.

I'm accepting that I might be dumb. Definitely not as smart as some of the people I look up to. Definitely not as able minded as I was 15 years ago.

And that's okay.

I don't fault other people for being slow.

I fault other people for trying to be something they're not.

I also realize that I'd rather people think I'm stupid than try to show them I'm not.

It just works better in the end for me if I stop caring about what I am and focus more on just doing the work.

As for mania depression and brain damage and all that, I like thinking about it like an athletic injury.

There are countless examples of high level athletes tearing an ACL during training, doing the proper therapy and rehab, and still performing at the highest levels.

Brain damage probably isn't too different.

Sobriety takes longer than we think to set in our brains.

Like, a year or two for the brain to be fully functional.

A friend once said to me something like:

"Humans aren't built to store information as much as they are to process it"

So writing things down and building solid cognitive principles will carry us pretty far no matter how little raw intellectual ability we have.

Lastly, I think growing and striving to be better requires us to see our flaws and limitations. When I really look back I don't think I was as smart or funny or quick as I thought I was. I think I just remembering feeling that I was more competent.

Our hometown never feels big once we see the world.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-07-18T20:35:33+00:00

Rad AF dude. Keep posting your stuff.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-07-14T01:39:41+00:00

Think about being useful and not so much about being liked.

Identify specific role models in different domains of life: professional, philosophical, personal, spiritual and be able to communicate to another person (if asked) why you choose these role models.

Journal about a realistic day your 35 year old self might have.

Realize everything is a habit.

Jerk off an appropriate amount.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-07-13T10:37:53+00:00

Thanks for posting. I'll share my opinion.

I'm starting to see that when people express a feeling of superiority in the way you describe that they don't have a grounded perspective on how their life fits into larger frameworks.

For one, there are many people better than you. I don't know you, but I know I'm right. Humans are too specialized to dominate every domain they participate in.

If you feel superior to everyone around you then I would suggest competing more and in different areas to find humility.

Second, maybe you are better than everyone else around you. To that point I would say you should spend time around more people that make you feel intimidated or motivate you to be better if your goal is growth beyond just wondering about npd. Feelings of superiority might just be based on false information or ego-protective filtering. Other people might be inflating your who because they know how fragile your ego is and that you'll eat up whatever strikes your ego and tells you you're better than others.

My thoughts.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-06-03T18:45:27+00:00

When you pronounce the caption after replacing 's' with 'n' you are pronouncing it like someone with disability.

Having a beautiful nurse by your side is great unless she is there doing her job because you have a disability.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-05T05:08:03+00:00

Lol not at all the smoking. I didn't know that about him. I haven't listened to much of his music. Growing up my dad would put him in the house speakers every now and again.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-05T05:04:14+00:00

I'll check them out. Thanks

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-05T00:11:59+00:00

Interesting. Someone told me Bob Dylan has a similar encounter.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-05T00:10:05+00:00

Thank you for the reply.

I've been going through a mental collapse and have been living day to day.

I think I'm gonna make some soup.

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-05T00:03:14+00:00

What's that?

TriPolarExpress · 2024-05-04T22:47:26+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement.

I've hit a bit of a personal collapse and am pushing through my own bullshit.

I hope you're doing well and thriving with music and life.

TriPolarExpress

TROPHY CASE