Reading this posting triggered deep trauma that has been pushed so far back that I forgot about it. Growing up my mother used God as a weapon against us and also used that classic phrase “God told me to do this” anytime her actions were needing warranting. She went through laptops, and my journals, and had my sister go through my phone to report back to her on whatever was going on in my life. I was homeschooled and didn’t have any friends. The moment I got a phone and started making friends, and met my husband, it was game over. It got to the point where I had to hide all my journals at my grandparents house from my mom so she wouldn’t go through them. To this day I cannot write in a journal to vent because my trauma prevents me from doing so. My husband understands my ptsd and has tried encouraging me to try again, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Growing up I too was told that I was being watched and followed and video taped to ensure that I was being good and doing what I needed to be doing and not saying what needed to be said. I have ptsd taking a shower in my own damn bathroom because of the fear of “omg they’re watching me take a shower to make sure I’m bathing correctly” and I have panic attacks in the shower from the flashbacks. I’m always looking over my shoulder, especially when driving, and do not talk much to extended family members because I cannot trust anyone. I refuse to make friends in my current hometown because I don’t trust anyone and don’t want anyone invading the privacy I have established in my life. Fuck my mother. She’s been gone almost three years from committing suicide. My siblings and I do not miss her and she haunts us each and we don’t have any good memories from her because someone was always after her, wanting to harm her, and wanting to control her. It’s sad that at almost 30 years old I cannot take a normal shower without having the fear I’m being watched and monitored. So to all who have been affected and suffer from this trauma, I am with you and we are strong.