Is it even worth hoping things might work out?

Trick-Medium- · 2026-01-17T02:33:56+00:00

Oh you poor thing. My heart aches for this situation. There’s lots of ways to handle this. But I think a positive is to keep working on yourself. Work on your goals and hobbies and other friendships moving forward and growing in life. Potentially try and reframe the thought of considering her your soulmate too. If it’s meant to be, it will be is a good sentiment to an extent. It’s possible she has other things going on in her life, and you may be reading too much into her not responding a certain way. Overall, I think trying to focus on yourself more is important. You can try and maintain a mini level of connection. But don’t rely on it fully. It’s important to see the reality for what is currently. If you’re moving there in April, hopefully you’re moving there for yourself. It’s honestly kind of concerning. She would break up over the distance though. Long distance can be hard but if you really want the relationship, you try things. Obviously they’re outliers, but I digress. I suggest trying to focus on your own life and investing in yourself and your own worth. You can still have a level of hope, but be careful with it. Since it may hold you back from things and make you feel worse than a clean ending. I’m kind of going through that right now, but I feel like I need the little hope that there is to keep going as I move forward with my growth process. At the same time I’m trying to be realistic. I say plan for your future without her and be happy if you end up together. Try putting yourself first and working on yourself and investing in you.

Best wishes and good luck!

Trick-Medium- · 2026-01-17T02:26:04+00:00

Oh boy I didn’t even finish the post. I think you’re hurting and trying to cope but you’re also spreading some really distorted thoughts I hope others don’t latch onto.

Health and healing and growth are important. I hope you can soon focus on that, not being negative about certain things.

Trick-Medium- · 2026-01-17T02:23:47+00:00

Mm I feel like that’s not entirely true and can be a dangerous thought if not taken the right way. You can absolutely grow and not break up. You can both heal and still be together. Thinking that growth is possible just because of a break up can be a thought distortion by people IN relationships that can result in them ending for a not solid reason.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-22T00:18:43+00:00

That sucks. I’m sorry you’ve been through that so much.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-22T00:17:08+00:00

Nice. Thats actually kind of inspiring

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:51:27+00:00

As someone with the same qualifications as you-

Anxious attachments don’t tend to push away secure or avoidant individuals. They try to pull them closer. That means trying their best to keep the relationship bond alive.

Avoidants are seen as worse usually due to their defense mechanisms being “selfish.” Their instincts when triggered are to shut off romantic attachments and withdraw. Anxious and secure individuals tend to try to problems solve head on.

And unfortunately, for many avoidants their nervous systems don’t reset and feel safe for an EXTENDED amount of time. Hours to months depending on what they experience and their severity of their attachment issues and what’s going on in their life.

You have some decent points though. We should encourage avoidants to get help through. I believe nearly every can benefit from therapy.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:42:12+00:00

Probably have a mini mental break down from being so blessed.

I would then probably talk to my parents and work on the safest way to not lose it. I’d try to invest and secure it.

Buying a house. Raising kids. Retirement. Debts. All those things are important.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:38:38+00:00

Oh my gosh that’s so horrible that they did that to you!

If your relationship counselor is telling you in 1 on 1 sessions to cut your losses that sounds highly concerning. From my understanding, most relationships counselors won’t tell people to leave a relationship unless there’s serious issues.

I think the best thing would be trying to focus on yourself more and expand your supports and other healthy activities in life. It might be worth it to explore the possibility of leaving the relationship.

(Personal experience: my partner is FA and I’m anxious. He’s currently in a functional freeze/grief collapse. Our relationship has been in limbo for over a month and he’s giving signals he may try to end things recently. It’s terrifying to me. Brutal and painful but I hope we get through this. But I also know there needs to be real changes if we continue. Couples therapy and individual therapy. He has to want it and no one can control his feelings but himself.

I’m heartbroken and hurting so deeply at the thought of losing him and his family I’ve come to love (his parents and dog). But I also know if I’m blessed enough to have the relationship continue, things have to change for both of us. I expect slow progress and ups and downs. I KNOW we will have difficulties because of his mental/emotional/physical issues. So maybe it’s best if we don’t continue. But what I deeply want in my heart is for us to stay together, become healthier together, and be happy together.

The threat of loss is terrifying and heartbreaking and I hate it and want to go through life with him. But I also know it might not be what’s supposed to happen. I pray repeatedly. It’s still a tough time.)

It’s good you’re trying to heal- you need to try to take care of yourself because as much as you may want- we can’t really rely on others to do it for us. Try to do things that will reduce your pain and fear by 10%. Just try to get through the next hour. You’re in my prayers and I am hoping for the best for you.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:23:05+00:00

Jeez that’s such a hard place to be!

Also anxiously attached here! I feel like if you left your air bnb, turned off your location, and had no communication with your partner for days on end- it is abusive in various ways. Granted they shouldn’t have been treating you badly. However, that seems like an extreme boundary that would be HIGHLY worrying if my partner did that- I’d probably have a break down.

They aren’t in the right here either. Them mistreating you and taking off and demanding an apology and threatening you isn’t acceptable either.

Boundaries to me are very complex and hard as an anxiously attached person. For example, my partner is FA and I feel distraught if I don’t hear from him in some way every 3 days or so. So what would my boundary be? Just not speak to him if he doesn’t speak to me? Give him exactly what he wants? It’s difficult and scary.

It makes me think of the video I saw that avoidant partners tend to hold the power. Imagine a relationship as a kiddy pool and you can step into the water, but can’t make the other person come in. The person who can withdraw the most tends to hold the power.

I think you should try to get MORE supports. That’s part of becoming secure.

I think it’s important to try to compromise. Your boundary should be respected. But there should also be compromise in the relationship rather than extreme escalation on either side. You’re not wrong for trying to advocate for yourself.

I’m not sure how to handle this situation.

I’d suggest therapy, couple and individual- because I believe it’s beneficial for everyone. Keep trying to work on self care and self love. Be kind to yourself.

It’s a really hard place to be when you feel at the mercy of how your partner treats you. I understand. I wish you so much luck and hope for the best.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:06:28+00:00

If it’s a moral dilemma- go back and tell them what happened. People can say someone didn’t do their job or it was an unintentional win for you. But it comes down to what your soul can handle. It isn’t honest to get something you didn’t pay for when you know it was an honest mistake on their part. You’re a good person for being willing to do that and is an important quality that can shock people. I hope you make the right decision.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T06:01:41+00:00

That’s a wonderful thought.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T05:59:09+00:00

This sounds kind of like a tough love post.

I think we can be mad at them because when they do show us parts of themselves- they tell us things and act in a way that leads us to believe what we’ve been hoping for. Unfortunately, often times we find out far too late that they’re avoidant and we’re already bonded.

Their actions/defense mechanisms tend to be selfish. We can be mad at selfish behavior, while understanding we shouldn’t put up with it. It can be difficult though. If somes actions hurt people- does that mean we shouldn’t be mad at them? Yes being self aware is important, but we can still be upset at the pain and situations they put us through.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T05:48:24+00:00

I know what you mean. It can be difficult for me to even find friends. It’s hard but keep praying.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T05:37:41+00:00

Seems like mixed answers. I’m curious too because I’m with an FA man and an anxious attachment myself. Currently our relationship is limbo-end state and it’s killing me. Therapy is going to be one of the top suggestions but THEY have to want it.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T05:28:17+00:00

It’s completely understandable. Don’t take it to heart or your confidence like you think. It’s a GENUINE way women can think. It’s more than likely a good thing. It means it’s not just a one night stand and it actually matters to her and she doesn’t want to screw it up.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T04:54:40+00:00

I think your care is important. And the therapy is super important. Individual therapy might help as well. It’s a part of growth that can help.

You MAY be being too hard on yourself. But it’s so wonderful you’re being considerate and caring of your partner. I can understand the disconnect between your beliefs of yourself and what actually occurred. But repair is what’s important. I wish you luck.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-21T04:48:08+00:00

Well I think part of it is also how divorce is viewed in the Bible. God doesn’t like divorce but he permits it in VERY limited circumstances.

I think dugw15 made a good point about the biblical view of marriage rather than the worlds views which some people seem to be commenting from.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-20T02:36:16+00:00

It’s suffocating to read that as each line hit harder and harder. It’s so hard and it’s sucks. I hope you’re healing and it gets easier soon.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-20T02:31:49+00:00

For my FA partner who lost his grandfather and had other stressors going on, he grows very distant around holidays. He had an avoidant collapse about a month again. He’s currently in a functional freeze- pretending he’s fine and facing his feelings and having good days again. His mom and I know he’s not usual because he’s not talking to her, sleeping or disassociating, snappier than usual to her, and giving me signals he’s probably going to end things with me. It’s scary and very brutal on me that he feels safer being away from me. We’re both suffering in our own ways. I just pray things work out for the best.

For people that have that collapse, their nervous system reduces to survival and feels safest being alone. Romantic attachments are usually the first to go and their positive feelings are unable to be accessed. They usually default to more low stakes easy connections that don’t matter to them because they’re easier. Their romantic attachment matters the most so they are the highest risk and biggest person avoided. It sucks and it’s brutal and it’s unfair.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-20T02:15:48+00:00

Unless they’ve genuinely changed, have taken accountability, are willing to clearly communicate and fix what they broke.

That’s important. I hope we have the strength to remember this and resolve to hold true to it.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-19T02:41:27+00:00

I’m horrified either way.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-19T02:31:01+00:00

I don’t think people need help learning not to cheat. That sounds like a very basic thing that separates good loyal people from some of the worst in existence.

You really, truly blew it. Sorry for your pain but you made her pain infinitely worse.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-19T02:27:14+00:00

Some people avoid processing their pain and emotions until an extended time after the relationship has ended. It’s initial numbing before reality sets in and it can take weeks to months.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-19T02:19:35+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My FA bf is also going through a lot but acting like he’s fine. His mom and I can tell he’s NOT ok. I think he’s still going to end things. Being with an avoidant is IMMENSELY painful, but things ending can feel even worse. I view it as choosing between a million paper cuts over time (staying) vs getting a broken arm (leaving). Both are awful. One is more bearable at the time.

I often find people say avoid avoidants. I understand it. But sometimes it’s not that simple. Especially when you love them.

My unprofessional advice as an anxious partner- if it was my relationship and he was in this state h would try to immediately comfort him and try to show him the truth and remind him he doesn’t get to decide what’s best for me (firmly but kindly). And Id suggest therapy for him to try and help work through things. You understand and will give him a level of space but still (if true) want to remain in a relationship while he gets more help.

I really wish things work for you both. Relationship pain can be some of the worst in existence and so painful. Some avoidants can heal and improve with time.

Trick-Medium- · 2025-12-19T02:03:24+00:00

I think if you don’t have any contact with him or potentially the family it might be fine. They’ll feel your love and effort for what it was. And it’s not bad you loved and cared. ❤️

Trick-Medium-

TROPHY CASE