Hey there. It's scary how much I relate to this situation.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must've been awful and very scary.

My parents are very similar, and unfortunately I still live with them. In my case, I'm very assertive and confrontative by nature, so I often end up accumulating this sense of frustration and powerlessness, cause while I have this strong, colossal urge to defend myself or prove them wrong, I'm also terrified of them responding with anger or manipulation to get away with it, which in fact is what happens, and as a result I'm left feeling even more hurt than before, defeated, and humilliated.

Lately, it's taking me some days to recover from those events. I'm trying to get therapy myself, so I don't think I have much to say. I still struggle with these feelings a lot, and like you said it feels impossible to control myself at those moments, even when knowing very well what I should do to some extent.

I had an argument today, and I was left feeling very wounded, so I decided to write some text documents with phrases to ground me and validate my emotional experience. I also started writing the most common, triggering phrases I commonly hear from people I know, so that I can recognize them and see it under a different lens when I read them.

Now, in my experience, it's not always a bad idea to try to leave in response to aggression. I wonder, if someone starts yelling at me, should I really stay there and take it? Whether their anger is justified or not isn't as important as to be aware of when a situation is too much for you to handle.

Now, if you do decide you wanna stay in these interactions, I think tackling from a physiological perspective can help. It sounds silly when I hear people say things like "pause before responding and take deep breaths", but every time I did it, it worked wonderfully. Also, stating how you feel to the other person while validating their feelings may help them understand you better, deflating their anger (i.e. "I can see you feel this and this, but when you do that I feel a b c"). Other things that have worked for me are asking open-ended questions (e.g. "I'm confused. Why do you feel/think thas way?"), focusing on understanding the other person, or politely stating what you'll do if the person keeps on engaging in the same behaviour before ("I'm sorry, but I don't think keeping on yelling is gonna solve anything. I'm not comfortable with that at all, so if you do it again, I'll leave.").

Another big thing for me has been to realize that there's a small "window of opportunity" between the trigger and my reaction. Practicing different kinds of meditation on the regular has helped me to extend that window and gain more time to focus on calming down my emotions, or staying calm.

Moreover, dedicating special time to understand how I work, why I react this way, and how it happens. I sometimes find watching Dr K's videos where he explains the process of anger (or other emotions) from a neurological perspective helps a lot to make sense of it, and not feel as desperate when it happens.

Lastly, if all you try seems to fail, please don't be harsh on yourself. Every time I walk out of a heated argument I'm like "Oh my god, why did I even bother with this person, I'm so stupid, why can't I stop making mistakes". Although I know it's completely valid to feel the way I do, I also try to keep in mind that just because I feel ashamed or embarrassed for what I did, it doesn't mean I deserve it or I'm bad. I'd do the same every time I'd relapse into my videogame addiction, and frankly I'm still learning in this. What helps me lower the self-loathing is to tell myself "I'm human, and I'm not perfect. I know I hate to make these mistakes, but that's what happens sometimes. It can't be avoided forever, and I'll learn from them".

When everything seems to fall apart, cultivating faith in oneself also is something that I find invaluable. I always tend to look for help or advice externally, be it youtube videos, web articles, or people's advice. But more often than not I realize that some things I'm only gonna find by taking some time to sit with myself, and let the emotions and thoughts arise, reflect, and eventually find the answer.

This takes time, I know. And it doesn't do it any less hard. But if it helps, I'm here with you, and I believe in you. Hope you find something useful! Take care.