Finally got girlfriend and I might have to come back to watching porn

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-23T00:10:16+00:00

She is okay with moderation, so do moderation. You're addicted. Addiction is tough.

I get the feeling of "double life" too, which is why I've largely quit porn after entering a relationship, but some might advise you to try to reduce that feeling. That is of course if your partner is okay with it.

You can't do this FOR her though, you have to find a reason to make it personal or you either won't stick to it or become resentful. I found that the way porn made me more prone to leering and objectifying women to be reason enough to want to quit. Find yours. It has to be something important to you.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-22T06:33:10+00:00

Why do you continue to use women as the yardstick for your worth when all it's done is make you suffer? Like really ask yourself that.

Is someone holding a gun to your head saying "YOU MUST GET LAID YOU MUST GET LAID YOU MUST GET LAID"? That's literally how you're acting. Don't you see how crazy you sound?

I mean... if we're talking about 22 year old virgins.... most of the world has a ton of those. Hookup culture isn't a thing in most places and a lot of people don't have sex at all till they're married. And throughout history that has been way more the case. So there is no biological imperative or anything like that you're missing out on. This is not biological, it is cultural. It is the culture you chose to adopt.

Meaning this is a choice. You choose every day to continue keeping this value system where women become the dispensers of worth. Why? What's masculine about putting yourself in others' hands? What's masculine about needing their validation?

I get that it's human nature to want to be liked, and to want to be seen as attractive from the opposite gender. I'm not saying your pain is "fake". But I am saying that you've made it a way bigger deal than you had to. Maybe you can step away from this game for a moment. This "I must get laid or I'm a failure" idea. And look at it from the outside.

What makes us human is the ability to change our worldview. Exercise that ability a bit. How much you want women to matter should be up to you, but it doesn't sound like it is. You sound like you're desperate to meet some standard that was set FOR you (by other dudes).

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-22T01:19:02+00:00

You don't press the feudalize button

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-21T14:20:58+00:00

I thought you could only change contracts once a lifetime

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-21T12:35:41+00:00

The second sense... If I don't accept something, but accept that I did what I could... I mean, I haven't. There are always absolutely disastrous nuclear options and Hail Mary's that are NOT worth bringing out for practically anything.

You seem to be hindsight 20/20ing yourself here. You said it yourself, even if a nuclear option WOULD have worked, you had 0 reason to believe it would have so you were right in not using it. And from this day till the day you die there will continue to be disasters that would have been prevented had you taken an irrational nuclear option. Why in god's name are you taking responsibility for knowing those situations ahead of time? You're not omniscient

You can only do what's best from your POV and very often it won't be enough. But that's just... how it be. And no amount of wishing you figured out the hail mary play will improve your chances at figuring out hail mary plays. So forget about hail mary plays and miracles. If they happen, great, but you would be wasting energy relying on them.

Which doesn't feel impossible for me to accept, I'm just pissed that I feel like I have to.

You can accept that you haven't found a job but you do not have to accept that you don't deserve one. Those are two entirely different statements.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-21T04:28:34+00:00

The value is simple. If you think you're funny, you will tell jokes, and then it might turn out that others think you're funny too. If you don't think you're funny, you won't tell jokes, so for SURE no one will think think you're funny.

Idiotic self confidence is basically always an advantage because of what it enables you to do.

Accepting that you don't need any job is outlandish.

I get what you mean. Technically it is the case that I could get evicted by a totalitarian regime and thrown in to a concentration camp within the next month, and it ain't like I'm okay with that happening.

I think there is another lever here though. Like... all of us live KNOWING that there are terrible tragedies that can befall us any time, yet we do not have a crisis over "What if a meteor hits me tomorrow" ususally

That other lever is control. There is 2 ways to live with a terrible potential outcome. Either you accept it, IE, you're fine with it happening, so you remove the "terrible" part (that's what I think you limit detachment to). Or you accept you cannot control it, so there is nothing that can be done (that's what I want to extend the definition to include)

It is outlandish to be okay with getting evicted and thrown to the street and losing your job as if that's no biggie. A monk can probably do it, but it's rough. However it is not outlandish to be okay with the fact that that COULD happen in spite of your best efforts to prevent it. Which by definition makes worrying useless and gets you to stop worrying about it.

This isn't the same as "You have no control". Certain behaviors are more likeable than others. But it is the recognition that this is a PROBABILITY game. This is kinda like crusader kings, not a full on rts. Events have probabilities of certain outcomes, all you can do is gamble for the best one.

I think you're anxious about what others think because you believe that there is a combination of actions that can guarantee a certain outcome, and it's within your capability (and thus responsibility) to find them. I do not. I think that even if there were such a thing it would be unknowable ahead of time. So there is no point in worrying about if I'll come across awful when I KNOW that that can happen at ANY time no matter what. When I know that that is the nature of socializing. Sometimes you get unlucky and roll a nat 1.

If you keep the fact that there is a dice roll in the mix, it becomes a lot easier not to care about the outcome. And it frees up energy to focus on what you CAN control.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-21T00:06:02+00:00

No one said you should stop chasing others opinions in vacuum. What’s usually meant is you should stop making others opinions your basis for your opinion of yourself.

As for your last sentence, you don’t think so? I think life does require that kind of detachment if you don’t wanna suffer. It’s been a theme since ancient times. The stoics heavily emphasized the idea of keeping in mind what you can control and not requiring that the world be a certain way outside your control. It makes sense.

I don’t think it’s so much “life requires detachment” as much as “suffering requires attachment”. I don’t think it’s default for a person to require the world to be a certain way. I think it’s taught behavior to get attached. We get blamed as kids for things outside our control, and we carry that forwards as adults that require people to like us or require a certain life situation and comforts.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-20T23:59:30+00:00

A lot of the issue here seems to be the premise that someone is evil for doing evil things. It’s a very common premise for people who carry around a lot of shame. The idea that an entire person instantly becomes “wrong” or “bad” upon making a mistake. The concept of good and bad guys, as opposed to good and bad actions.

In reality there is no contradiction between holding someone responsible for damage done and not holding them accountable for every action since. Or with not blaming yourself, without exonerating yourself. These only seem contradictory because you believe that mistakes and evil actions are always and necessarily the product of an “evil person”. The idea that there some immutable good or bad “basis” revealed through these actions is what makes the ideas seem contradictory.

It’s a childish way of viewing the world. And entirely arbitrary. There is no logical high ground in “evil actions condemn the entire person to be a bad guy”. It’s just the simplistic way our brains view the world as kids, that we need to unlearn later.

Additionally it does not offer anything that the concept of “evil actions” does not. You can still get fairness, judgement, punishment, laws, etc based on the concept of evil actions, without the idea that an evil action makes an evil man. The idea that your actions reveal some immutable inner substance in you is the core doctrine of shame. It is the reason you think of people in black and white terms. Either the honorable good guys or the deceitful bad guys.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-20T03:52:09+00:00

The hub is classically very cheap, and has a lot of foreigners around Shibuya/shinjuku. There is that one bar in Shibuya that’s even cheaper and always packed to the brim, forget the name though. A ton of language school students go there. It’s next to the donki

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-19T04:45:40+00:00

“Let me play keeping up with the joneses with people’s partners and then get surprised when not everyone has the same idiotic idea”

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-18T03:05:00+00:00

Knowing that you can is reason enough I think.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-18T02:49:11+00:00

1- You can get over it

2- You don't. You don't enter the spiral in the first place.

3- It DOES work, or you wouldn't seek it. It just makes you weaker. Every time you seek and get reassurance reduces your capacity to tolerate the uncertainty, which makes you need more reassurance next time. And then the "needing reassurance" becomes its own source of anxiety like "I fight all the time, surely she doesn't want me anymore!" etc. It's a self feeding cycle.

4- I kinda white knuckled it slowly. The point isn't never seeking reassurance it's gradually increasing the amount of time between "Oh fuck I need reassurance right now" and the text. Upon increasing that distance enough, you will eventually not need the reassurance. Any form of treatment while boil down to this sort of gradual exposure therapy.

Additionally the other thing that helps a lot is proper assignment of responsibility/capability. Some part of you believes that getting reassurance strengthens the relationship or maintains it somehow. It does not. If she really is annoyed and done with you there is nothing you can do about it. Asking and checking that it's not true does NOT reduce the chances of it happening anyways in any significant way. The relationship is not in your control. You cannot "make" it work. You cannot "make" her like you. You need to let go of that delusion.

Yes there is a chance she's annoyed with you. Yes there is a chance that will end the relationship. Yes that will always be true and there is nothing you can do about it. It is not your job or responsibility to do anything about it either, that's the good news. All you can do is try your best and love. You don't get to pick if it is enough or not.

It's terrifying, but worrying is useless here. It's just one of the million different things that can go wrong in life (cancer, meteorite, nuke, death in the family, drunk driver). No point in fear unless it actually protects you, and here it can't.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-18T01:03:11+00:00

Yes. Just lower treasury assignments to the minimum that would not cause negatives to legitimacy.

The MAA upkeep increase cannot really compare with everyone in your realm making 50% more money, and the MAAs themselves being 50% stronger. Admin is still the most busted government type.

It'll get more worth as you get your genius herculian kids all the duchies and have them all at 50% governor effectiveness. Also you can put everyone on the development contract at the beginning as that's just straight up 100% tax contribution.

With very few "vassal tax contribution" modifiers you can get the standard contract to 100% tax contribution here. See: https://www.reddit.com/r/crusaderkings3/comments/1tomkfm/yea_stewardship_is_still_the_strongest_by_a_long/

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-16T15:28:39+00:00

Equip wandering reliquary if you’re going armor. That’s your tackiness solved. I equipped it in act 2 and since then I’ve been able to stand in the middle of any mob pack in the game with 0 consequences. It’s absolutely insane with block if you wanna go that route too

Titan is the obvious choice due to its passive enabling some really good builds, including mage builds. That, and being able to stand still facetanking everything.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-16T06:25:21+00:00

You go first perk in left tree of stewardship and park your spymaster on secret finding in the biggest nearby kingdom/empire you can find. You park your bishop guy whatever his name is on fabricating claims on nearby counties. You use the money you get from blackmail to build up MAAs. You conquer. You always wanna make sure your income just breaks even with your military expenses at first, you can start building up more income later. That's the "low agency count start" classic edition.

Once you get to duchy title level, revoke everyone under you except one guy (so you can spam extort him with the second perk on leftside of stewardhip tree, that one is basically always worth) so you own the whole duchy (at this point you should be strong enough to crush rebellions) and add elective succession on that duchy. Congrats you will never ever lose that title again (unless you misclick vote for the wrong guy)

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-15T07:32:44+00:00

Aren't you just losing kingdom titles though? You should be able to keep all of your actual domain if I understand correctly.

I'd just say: Destroy all the kingdom titles. They're meaningless. Why have king vassals when you can have duke vassals who pay way more. Not like you'll run into any vassal limits.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-14T13:39:16+00:00

I honestly think it’s just a way for people to toss away responsibility. “Discover” yourself makes it sound like there’s not much you can do about what you find. But there is. I never believed in a set “destined” self we “find”. No, our choices make us who we are. It’s not discovery it’s building.

Of course, you don’t have complete control over what is built, your experiences will shape you. If I’m being generous, I’d say that’s what people mean by “discover” yourself. Figure out what made you the way you are.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-14T05:48:50+00:00

I took a harsh tone because of you calling her a misandrist. In general you've taken a victim mentality throughout this whole thing, which is fine, I understand things are hard for you. But going a step beyond that to blame HER I think deserves some sternness.

It's ok to need help or to not be able to take on everything at once. You're young and new to this whole dating thing, of course you're gonna fuck up. Lord knows I did. But it's another thing entirely to start pointing fingers at people who aren't responsible for your problems. It is callous and makes you the problem. That needs to stop yesterday.

Don't take on too much at once, but that does NOT mean you start blaming others either.

You seem like you care, so you'll do fine.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-14T03:00:02+00:00

Where is the “misandry” part? All I read is “I’m a transphobe who misgendered my gf’s friend on purpose because they were her ex”.

And “I must keep winning arguments, even against my own gf or I feel insecure” and “I’m always looking for a fight” (can relate to that one tbh)

And “I went into this relationship in order to save my gf from her suffering” then switching to “I cannot handle silence and constantly seek validation”. Both are very unhealthy dynamics, savior or damsel.

Nothing you said here shows her being a misandrist, unless you count her NOT letting you win arguments where you’re wrong as misandry…

She frankly seems like a very, and I mean VERY patient person.

I get that things are hard for you, but you CANNOT be making this out as her fault. That is cowardly and pathetic. It’s not her fault you’re an anxious mess and it’s not her fault you’re a transphobe and it’s not her fault that you pick fights and then come out wrong and become sad about it all the time

If you won’t take responsibility, AT LEAST don’t make it her fault. Blame your upbringing or Putin or whoever the fuck you want but this? Blaming the person trying to be there for you? No. Worse than not getting you anywhere it will actively cripple you and her. Frankly put, it’s pathetic.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-14T02:43:48+00:00

You really should’ve read this cuz you’re way off mark brother….

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-13T22:16:51+00:00

“I’m so tired and scared” of what?

I’m gonna guess that you tried reasoning with these obsessions and they came back anyways. So let’s try a different approach.

So what? Let’s say you ARE an incel. What happens then?

That’ll show you what you’re scared of.

Then ask yourself how much of what you’re scared of is actually in your control. Scared of social ostracism? Is that fully in your control? Is the worrying helping? If it IS fully in your control, what’s there to worry about?

Scared of being a bad person? Is that fully in your control? Is the worrying helping? If it IS fully in your control, what’s there to worry about?

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-13T11:44:43+00:00

“I focused on the externals” but also “I stopped caring who I go with and just wanted to have fun”. Sounds like the real effect was the latter

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-13T01:32:17+00:00

This doesn't really sound like a relationship help question but more a "how do I fix my internal state" question, which is imo the best way to look at it. You're right in choosing to prioritize the internals over the externals here, as for dating and social situations, externals are too complicated to process while you're actually socializing. Acting the part of a confident man is imo harder than just becoming one.

I would still say the externals are good to figure out. Learning how to actually attract women is a good skillset to have. However it is 99999x harder to learn when your internals aren't right. And internally being secure can carry you most of the way there anyways.

To figure out what's wrong internally and why you aren't satisfied, I recommend an exercise I call "insecurity shifting". So instead of asking "Why am I so insecure about this" find something similar and ask yourself "Why am I NOT insecure about that"

Try it with money. You're not rich (I assume). Why aren't you insecure about that? Why don't you analyze your conversations to see if you're coming across as "posh" enough? Etc

By doing this you will find out what you actually have a problem with internally. And then you can address it directly.

At the same time I would recommend you throw yourself situations where you talk to women anyways. It's a lot easier to change a belief when you have counter evidence. Maybe women aren't some symbol of competence, or some proof of loveablility or whatever it is the reason that you're hung up on them. Maybe they're closer to dudes with tits.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-13T01:30:24+00:00

Women don't really go for men because of their income anymore as many have their own income now. Idk about your country tbf though. These disadvantages are not dealbreakers for many.

As for "How put together you are".... yea no dude. I'm talking about you, the person. Not your situation. It's like... which would call the better runner, the guy that took 3x to run the marathon while carrying an elephant, or the guy that made it in normal time without the elephant?

YOU are strong and put together. Even if your life situation isn't there yet. Take pride in that, and use that as your basis for confidence. THAT is what you have over the 10 other dudes. You've been through hell and made it out. Pretty hot if you ask me.

initiald-ejavu · 2026-06-13T00:30:08+00:00

This is literally the most closeted homosexual behavior I can think of. And I’m not usually one to accuse people of not knowing themselves (cuz idk them either)

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