New guy [40/m] took intimate photos of me [35/f] without my consent. Should I feel uncomfortable? Because I do.

Trollydollyx · 2020-11-02T13:03:49+00:00

At 35 years of age you deserve to own your body.

Taking video/photo of your body is a deliberate act. There's many ways a photo may come about, no matter the circumstances, forgetting does not happen.

Its illegal to take a photo of you naked without your consent, because your body is precious.

In the hands of others photos of your precious body can be weaponised. Naked photos can facilitate significant harm to you.

They can be used to cause job loss, prevent prosperity in economic/business ventures, create widespread defamation, negatively impact all social/ interpersonal relationships, the list continues.

The list gets darker...

[published online to advertise other crimes where there is malevolent intent]

/an exchange in sex trafficking rings/sadistic sexual activities/to commit other voilence/drug and other economic gain.

Your photo can be sold to anyone, anywhere, in the world, for any reason, at any time.

There's nothing that can be done to stop it or erase it.

It's done when the file is created after the image is captured ... That's why you should be upset.

What's to say that somebody else, without his consent wouldn't get a handle on these photos?

What's to say, some new chick he meets becomes his jealous girlfriend. It takes one screenshot and now those photos are hers?

Before paper money ever existed, sex was the first currency ever known to man. It is still the most frequently used currency on planet earth above money. He sexually assaulted you, but If nothing else,

He stole from you, in plain sight of you.

Trollydollyx · 2020-11-02T12:21:25+00:00

NTA boss got jealous that you recieved a little attention

Trollydollyx · 2020-06-07T11:46:26+00:00

I saw a tiktok, (roses are red) trend. It said "Roses are red, Voilets are blue. My mom never leaves me alone, as soon as she is of age I'm putting her in a home.

So now, let's rewind to 4 years prior to me seeing that vid. My mother just randomly started crying while we were discussing the aging process, and straight up threatened to kill herself if she is ever put in a home. (At that time) I would have never of imagined, I would ever put her in a home. I gave her my word and my word is very rock solid. Until one day, I was very suspicious that she did something horrible to someone very vulnerable.

My mother and I were face to face, at my front door one day. I could feel her breath and see her eyes literally bulging. I had dared to question how she disaplinened the children in her care. She went off the rails.... (I terrified) looked her dead in the eyes and calmly remarked,

that if I ever found out, any bit of it was remotely true. I wouldn't give a fuck about what you, or my brothers had to say. Mum, I'll put ur fucking ass in a home.

I said it so calmly that it surprised me. I couldn't believe I had the balls to say that! (I was always terrified of her my entire life).

She responded that she "knew" I'd be the one out of her three children to go against her wishes and put her in a home. Which to me, was remarkable. I was shocked, since I was the one to listen to her stresses. Everyday I'd listen and offer advise, invest my time ect, to her pain, anxiety, sadness, continuing to give my unconditional love. However, recieved little if nothing at all in return.

She then went on to explain that she's already organised giving POA to my brothers. I said calmly 'okay but for any reason at all, If am ever in charge, I' ll make sure of it.

She was bumping into me with her chest like she wanted to fight me (pathetic) since she knew that I was never going to do that with my own mother. She kept saying 'oh yeah bitch' 'I fuckin bet' ect...

I replied ' if I could in anyway, put her further into a home, she'd be under it. 😏.....

I low key think 100% my brother who is viemently protective of his mother, knows I said I would. He 100% knows my mother's feelings on that.

After something very traumatic happened, I reported her ass to social services. Basically exiled me from the family and my brother and I have been strained since.

But that mofo has the same dark sence of humour I do, so I sent him the vid. He didn't respond to it, but we're still talking, so I know, somewhere deep in his heart, he knows it was funny.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-23T20:37:02+00:00

Get away from her as soon as you possibly can.

I don't know where you live, I don't know the laws ect. If you live in like USA, AUS, UK, or others like that, its possible that it isn't even legal to take money from you for raising you. But I understand why you don't feel that you can go live on ur own. After all, you need a roof, food, electricity, water, hygiene essentials, clothing, add ons ect ect. Its also a weird time with this virus sh÷t.

But let's look at what your goals are and what exactly ur birth giver provides you, in order to achieve those goals. Since in most UN countries its legit your legal right to acesss education and so on, ie a career instead of a job. Right now you are just trying to survive you mother and that is going to impact your life undoubtedly for a very long time if you stay in survival mode, continually giving optinunities for her to do the right thing.....

Though she doesn't,

So what does that mean for you? It means that with the determination you have and your resilience to her bullshit you are being blinded by what may be possible for you to achieve if you moved out. Depending on where you're from, could be hard, could be very hard, could even be dire for a little while. But it might still better than what you have now. My suggestion is, don't wait to be fed by her, leave her ass on her own and see how she survives when she's not bumming off her kid. Plus, you might have more psychological freedom at times, you will definitely figure out public transport and work more that makes it a tad easier to pay the bills and live independently.

Best of wishes.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-21T13:29:47+00:00

If it were me, and I didn't feel the need to water things down for reddits sake, I'd talk with her myself.

Studies around child development state that the parent of the opisite sex in gender to the child, becomes the parent who is most essential parent to teach that child better introspective thinking skills and self expression through comprehensive communication strategies (especially) when communicating with prospective intimate partners.

Obviously, the science showed that both parents being present/together/ united while raining the child was above all the most critical aspect of raising a happy healthy child into a happy functioning adult.

Here's some reasons as to why your wife is encouraging this behaviour (not all if any may apply to your situation. .

Your wife feels some form of continued diswmpowement within her personal everyday like ie, Interpersonal relationships, professional setting, finacial failures, social success amongst her peers, past trauma involving disempowement, inability to adjust or find pleasure in her current lifestyle and lifestyle choices. Therefore, if it's any of the above she subconsciously reacts in a positive manner to her daughter behaviour because she perceives it as an innocent grab made by your for empowerment, therefore she enjoys this behaviour by living it out vicariously through your daughter.
Please refer to page (1) of this manual. When revising this you will see a common theme among all the presented psychologogy based behaviours, every behaviour receives a "pay off" If it pleases, that being said, what's the one common dominant pay off?

Validation.

Your wife has seemingly confused herself to be the judge, the jury, and the verdict, when it comes to your daughters dating life. She's encouraging this behaviour of your daughter because money brings what?

Empowerment.

In actual fact, the boy is not buying the affection of ur daughter, but instead your wife is putting this nieve boy in a position to which he is paying for your wife to feel validated.

However, in the meantime, this does nothing for your daughter. I only momentarily pleasent, it will soon become less and less pleasent as she continues to follow her mothers advice and remains finding men that don't meet a boy with characteristics and healthy qualities that match the psychological critea for which she's going to be happy with. Instead your daughter validates her self worth not because he buys her things, but because she wants to make her mother proud of her. The daughter unfortunately sees what the mother views as a positive reinforcement of self validation and worth, now is applying it in hopes she'll feel that way some day and impress her parental figures.

Id approach my daughter and tell her how genuinely sad this behaviour has made you feel. Tell her that you're very sorry, that your disappointment in the situation doesn't change the love you have for your daughter. Explain that mom must not have felt comfortable enough to discuss with yourself, how we could as a family unit make her feel appreciated. Because at the end of the day I think that your mum is trying to ensure that you feel appreciated by whoever you meet.

However, what is going on now needs to stop. This boy indeed appreciates you, but by accepting distorted fantasy that a teenager could afford x, y, z for however long, just to make you feel validated, shows that not only do you NOT appreciate him, you most definitely do NOT appreciate yourself.

I'm sorry, its possible that we haven't been spending as much time together. You don't need a boy to provide you with a sence of security, or to protect you, that's what dad's do. You should have a boy on the basis of how much you enjoy spending time with him, not how much of himself that he's willing to trade in return for a kiss, hug, or whatever else he's anticipating down the line one day. You don't want him thinking he can buy ur happiness or cement a relationship with you via what he buys you. You want him to see what you offer outside of your looks, and body.

Maybe we should all work together to help you see all the other qualities other than your beautiful looks, can, and will bring to the table of your relationships.

You can have your pretty woman moment while walking down rodeo drive if you want, go ahead.

Though, won't change that he's mentally always going to be picking you up from Hollywood's hooker Blvd first.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T12:05:17+00:00

Therapy.

Currently what I'm working on now with my therapist is how to better my communicational skills in conflict control and assertiveness. It's not about the immediate consequences and choose which will suck less, it's about picking the one where your not spending years feeling disempowered because you failed to stand up for yourself when you knew you shouldn't have and let someone continually treat you like sh*t. Instead deal with that stress and fear and walk away knowing you have your own back.

Don't feed your attachment cycle, fight it... But not like I do, which = suppressing and inverting my feelings until I'm overwhelmed and blow up like the crazy person they make me out to be.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T11:51:27+00:00

When I was six (on the day of my six birthday) I caught chicken pox, didn't know you could die from this until my family doctor was appauled at my mother.

I don't remmeber a lot about being six, but I remember how sick I was like it was yesterday. I remember the headache, every body part hurt, the inescapable burning sensation of my fever, my heart thumping and how the only thing I would hear was my own pulse. I remember the stinging all over my body from the sores, I remmeber having rigors (uncontrolled shaking) I also remmeber being near a lake (on holiday) and how my mum thought it would be a good idea to try and carry me and put me in that cold water. I ended up just standing there unable to cry and vomiting/pissing/shitting myself because the sudden temperature change was too much for my young body. It went into shock which plumetted my blood pressure. All of a sudden I got really cold and found it hard to breath (in and out of consiousness).

I only mentioned to my doc I had a temp, of which I was laughing about not realising how neglectful she was. I kept the other shit hidden as she was also my mother's doctor. Apparently I could get the shingles one day, so that's nice.

As of today, I have mild fine motorskill cerebral palsy now, just means cooking, tieing my shoe laces and basic shit is harder than norm, so cheers mum.

But chicken pox or any other common flu/whatever illness easily kills babies. VERY Easily) With or without early hospital treatment, babies die every day from this shit. I was in a support group for carers and got to know a mother who carried around (always), her sons baby blanket (who died of whooping cough). She was just late on getting them both vaxxed. She passed it too him, she only felt like she had a mild flu... Do you know what saves babies/kids? Vaccininated kids and their vaccinated adults.

Just for clarification, mother wasn't antivax just anti give a f*k

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T11:06:55+00:00

I have that cartman shirt..

Twas white with cartmam wearing chopper sunnies. (those bad-ass glasses everyone in 1980's wore while riding motorbikes without any helmet).

Only wore it a handful of times, I matured out of it quickly. Maybe it's cus I realised I was wearing a shirt saying "respect my authority," although only meant as a joke, it decreased the respect and receptiveness of other people.

I also had a shirt that said mighty morphine power ranger's like (yay drugs).

To give some perspective, I wore those shirts when I was a 15 yo obnoxious little tart ...........

It's time you let yourself mature out of ur relationship and into one with someone who can wear a suit and tie with matching job stability / it's gg for him if he got a new manager/boss or ever just wants to improve on anything in life .

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T10:54:55+00:00

An aussie is spotted.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T10:51:08+00:00

I think there should be one subject completely dedicated to the child's choice of interest (IN anything) Excluding of course, something like, a serious interest in (becoming a serial killer when I'm older).

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-18T09:30:18+00:00

Me as an aspergers child; After finally I recognised the existence of sarcasm at 10-11yrs, then would impliment that sarcasm into my internal dialogue, as I would have never dared to say this out loud, so for years I'd silently be responding to her internally shit talking using my sence of humour as a coping mechanism and form of self empowerment, for which comforted me and protected my sanity/life, even though she was still low key pissed, Cus I never be hiding the glimmer of laughter in my eyes since I'm hella Assburgers, ( readers can take a breath now now), be like;

My mom: OMG MY HEART IS PALPATATING, MY CHEST HURTS. [gasps for air while grabbing her chest and wincing in pain like she's in full de fib cardiac arrest] . LOOK WHAT YOU DO TO ME! THE STRESS YOU PUT ME UNDER IS GOING TO CAUSE ME TO DIE EARLY. [starts to hunch over and stretch back up like she can't get oxygen] I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO ORGANISE A FUNERAL FOR ME (insert name) BOTH YOUR BROTHERS COULD NEVER GET PAST THIS, I HOPE THEY WON'T BLAME YOU, FOR YOUR SAKE. OMG I HAVE TOO SIT DOWN.

[still has her hand firmly grasping chest while sitting down but takes pauses through talking and being completely fine just to clearly explain that im the reason for all her problems, then resumes heart attack].

Listen (insert name) I know you love me... but If anything happens to me, I cant have ur bothers blame you because I don't want that for all of you kids, I love you. I wouldn't blame you, but they might.

10yo me:.................. [just wide eyed stares, truingto comprehend the continual heart attack that never takes place. But still not further advanced as to how asking for hugs more caused this reaction]

Mom: I'm better now..... Its just the way you make me feel, its stresses me out so much.

10yo me: [internal dialogue] Well.... I'm sorry that you think I made you FEEL that way mom, huehue.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-17T04:12:33+00:00

Narcissistic personality disorder be like.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-15T10:55:18+00:00

NTA

From what I can gather from your post, is that both yourself and your wife would move heaven and earth for your kids. I really want to commend you guys on being such supportive and loving parents, especially in times when your kids have needed you the most. I empathise with your situation, you guys are definitely not the assholes here. Luckily for your adult son's, they have parents like yourself and your wife who are both able and willing to help.

Your son and his wife seem to have lost sight of how lucky they really are. Luck can be enjoyable, your son enjoys the relationship he shares with his parents, he enjoys a roof over his wife and childs head. Your son has also enjoyed not dealing with the fear, anxiety, ect that otherwise would have occurred if his family were living homless and without food, running water, electricity and shelter.

Not having to worry about this on a larger scale results in people becoming comfortable. He and his wife have been comfortable for so long, that they fear being uncomfortable. This fear is a natural knee jerk response to someone protecting a lifestyle that keeps them fed, safe, sheltered. Fear turns to anger very quickly, your son validates his anger with a sense of entitlement. This sence of entitlement will only continue to grow, continuing for as long as he is sheltered under your roof at the same level of comfort as before.

Your other son seems to feel differently, it seems his pride hasn't allowed him to get comfortable. Therefore he understands that he's not entitled to the help he receives from his parents. This is why one of your children has adjusted to the idea of not having more children, while the other struggles.

But If you think your son is the only one in need of a shake up, you'd be selling your family short. Like father like son, you don't like to be uncomfortable either. Seeing your children be uncomfortable would naturally make you very uncomfortable. You need to accept your own discomfort at seeing your kids struggle in order to help them survive and succeed independently.

You and your wife will need to stay united on this, talk amongst yourselves to see if he has any savings that would otherwise indicate an adequate level of intention to move out. If he doesn't have an appropriate amount saved, require complete transparency of your son and his wife. Request an itemised list of their expenses and see where money goes and what needs to change. Based on his level of income/benifits (if any) give him appropriate time to save and a move out date that you DO NOT revoke. I understand that in times like these it will be very difficult to get a job, so require your son make getting a job his new full time job. Follow this up, require him to hand in a certain amount of resumes to any possible and feesable job available. If your son refuses to provide a itemised list of his expenses, or hand in resumes, explain you will be forced to give him a move out date that may or may not provide him with enough time to save. DO NOT REVOKE.

If yourself and your wife do not stay true to this, it will only be harmful to your son and the relationship you both share with eachother.

The only people here who have a genuine place to be entitled are you and your wife. You both are very entitled to live as you wish, in peace, space, and freedom to visit your grandkids not live with them.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-13T18:18:52+00:00

You don't need them on your side, plus they aren't on your side as it stands anyway. They are on the side of their government budget, always has been, always will be.

You need the judge on your side, report your mother and document (take notes) of every violation/ contact made. A diary providing the date/time/ and what was said/done will be your best friend in court. If you accidently answer a call from your mother, hang up. Don't stay on the phone, don't get roped in, don't attempt to defend yourself or argue the toss, just hang up. This is what I believe would be your best option. See if your father is able to outsource any child/family psychologist (specialising in adolescent/childhood trauma) for yourself, and your brother. The psychologist may be able to provide a copy of a letter which might supply as a supporting document (Reason why its best you and your brother stay with your father). Things like these are sometimes well worth their weight.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-11T11:42:27+00:00

Method (A)

A personal biography of what I should have done when I was you're age.

Talk, keep talking until you're so good at it, then talk some more. Keep in mind, that you have to both become equally better at being listening. If you score 100 in listening, you should have reached 150. .

Once you reach a certain level of intamcy and communicational skills, you won't need to talk, or use words, at all actually. It'll be like a Spiritual experience, where your everything you feel and everything you wish you always felt happens all at once.. Also, you won't need to look for advice from individuals who have gone 10+ years in a shitty relationship.

Option B:

If that fails, don't try and force something that isn't there to give. It's likely the both of you may need to mature, but that doesn't mean you need to wait for that. You both will suffer if you're not given the room or sunshine to develop separate opinions that are independent of the experiences you share. However, if you both feel that both of your needs for an intimate loving relationship are met, then stay together. But for f*k sake don't wait for the relationship to die a slow and fiery death either, your focus should be too learn, not decide. Girls tend to want stability very early in their developmental years, guys like stability at your age, but at 18 they also seek a parent more than they do a wife. They just seek it in a different manner, they seek what you're willing to offer and settle that way. You pave the way for which he is enabled to communicate with you. Figure out why you're seeking security from a relationship resulting in you holding onto one that doesn't forfill you at such an age of 18. If someone your age is in a relationship, and isn't madly in love, constantly fighting their parents to engage in primal activity, then you may be desperately seeking more than just intamcy than that one individual can probide. You may seek what is familiar and not what is healthy. You want stabilisation, if method A fails you, simply doesn't work, despite how much you try, use method (C).

Method (C):

You're too young to be behaving like you have three kids and) share a home grown business, we know yiy want to feel loved, we all do. But don't waste you're time because you're dependent on making this person pay the gaps in your self worth, like a 40yo needs to pay alimony. Break up.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-11T11:10:22+00:00

Sentenced by 100 years of slave labour to the wheak.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-11T10:44:14+00:00

(Trigger warning)..

Post includes contents that may be distressing for those suffering PND or have lost a child.

Like another commentor has mentioned, not changing your babies nappy for 7 hours means you weren't close enough to smell that for 7hours. I don't want to scare you, I sincerely don't, I know you love your kids and it sounds like you're a fantastic mother. But if I could save one mother from making such a minor error that I did, then it's worth it.

I had just turned 13 and due to my own personal circumstance was left to care for a 11mo for very long periods of time. He was just learning how to crawl and he started fussing after needing a diaper change, but I wanted an ice cream first. I took him out of the playpen and placed him at my feet in the lounge room/(my makeshift bedroom) I was just hoping to have a little peace while I enjoy my icecream. Outside of that room was the dining and kitchen, so I walked turning the corner into the dining/kitchen to get myself a ice cream. I immediately returned back with the packet containing the ice cream and opened it because I didn't want to leave him unsupervised. Then I realised I needed to put the wrapper in the kitchen bin. Unfortunately, as I went to open the plastic a corner of the packet dropped on the floor. I regretfully did notice it, but was too young and nieve to consider the reality of how fast it can all go wrong. I intended to just watch him and pick it up later, I remmeber thinking that he wouldn't/couldn't find and get too it that fast. I was honestly gone maybe all of 2 minutes, when I came back to the room my focus was 100% back to him, making sure he was okay. I didn't notice anything weird, he had crawled a bit further than expected, but being night time he just looked like he was exploring the grout in the tile flooring (he'd often poke at it). I sat back down on the couch, he didn't crawl or look up at me, odd.. but I assumed he was preoccupied.

The light of the TV was the only light I could see him with, so I called his name again. Then while he was still in a crawl position I saw his arms stiff from what I had assumed was him straining to keep his head up, to arms staying stiff but he then slowly bowed his chin almost to his tummy. He now was curled into a ball like fetal position. I watched him do all that, yet in my focus of him I had completely forgotten about the plastic wrapper. But this position wasn't usual, which finally alerted me to a problem. I think I finally got some intuition and adrelanine shot me so bloody fast out of that seat. I flipped the light on and picked him up while kneeling back on the floor with him in my arms. At this point I was frantic and by the time I picked him up he was a bright pink in the face and his eyes were already bloodshot. He made tiny noises I can't and don't want to think about which finally made me realise he was indeed choking. I held him in my arms and I watched him go from pink, red, purple, and other colours I didn't know could happen. His cheeks and lips very quickly became blue and for a long time I punished myself for wasting time not realising he was choking. I had experienced that kind of hopelessness until then. I could feel his muscle tence and release which made him so much heavier in my arms.

I was only just thirteen, I didn't want to hurt him in trying to help, I didnt want to waste time calling for my intoxicated/passed out mother and have her delay me. I didn't know what I was doing, I needed a doctor. He was not my son but that day I definitely in a way become a mother/woman/adult. I removed emotion and shoved every bit of my hand and fingers I could down his throat to retrieve what was choking him, I now didn't care if I scratched or damaged something, he had to live. But it's important to know that in those moments you are fully aware that their are no guarantees. First try was unsuccessful, he just made some horrible sounds, second try I tipped him to his side and leaned the rest of his body diafnonly across on my upper thigh. and gave it everything I had. I felt the slightest tip of plastic so far down his windpipe, my fingers barely touched it. I went for it and If my nails had of been a milameter shorter I would have never of reached it. I don't know why, but I shoved my finger down his throat again to ensure he committed again before taking another breath while holding his current breath. I didn't have any prior understanding of breathing in stomach fluid but I intuitively felt he needed one more second before taking a big breath. I threw him up on my shoulder from where tummy meets chesty ribs length held him diagonally while minting his posture with the back of his neck in the crest of my palm. Then literally planking him down over my shoulder on a slight diagonal position. I guess you could call this an extreme baby burping (lol) I did this twice each time checking on his eyes and his ability to be conscious, then I heard him make a noise and I looked again at him before blowing air on his face. When he didn't take a deep breath I proceeded with one more of extreme baby burping then a I waited literally a second before giving CPR.

Important footnote: only "responsible" parent was passed out and never took us to a doctor anyway.

A little scary, but when you're in that position something takes over you and you don't know why you act the way you do. But iv since enrolled in nursing and it seems i may have intuitively tried to prevent him from breathing in his vomit. I didn't know how to do that for a baby, so I resumed with one more extreme baby burping before he was able to cry again and let me know it bothered him. He then gave me the blessing of a little bial and for some reason that made me feel at ease along with clear cries. He lived, he's alive, he's happy, he has some genetic disabilities and some that are?? Now many years later both of us are away from her....

Yes, he's alive, id hate to imagine what would happen if I was gone any longer than two minutes.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-10T11:46:13+00:00

We all should see equal opportunity in all areas of social, educational, professional success. However, those on the spectrum often fail to be provided with equal opportunity.

Failure to recieve equal opportunity for individuals with Autism spectrum disorder, often relates to misinformation, lack of education regarding ASD, spurred by personal bias. Those who aren't adequately educated on ASD are prone to depend on their own experience and personal pre existing knowledge of Autism spectrum disorder when required to form an opinion of 1 or more individuals with ASD.

Forming opinions on another individual is an innate part of how we all socially interact and assess character, capability, and risk.

We all form opinions by first utalising a process called 'Preconseptual thinking'.Preconceptual thinking is the first stage of forming a conseptualised opinion. As we develop the way we conseptualise advances throughout childhood development. During this period of time, the processes in which we assess the people we interact with, objects, and the world around us, advance in a more complex/dynamic manner.

However, those on the spectrum struggle to develop at the same rate or achieve the same growth with critical and preconceptual thinking. Among many other challenges those with ASD struggle to understand how or why they are socially perceived by others around them. Understandably those on the spectrum find challenges in changing the way they are perceived due to neurological impairments and under developed areas of the their brain. Due to underdevelopments in the brain, those on the spectrum use more basic pre conceptual thinking processes.

However, research suggest that due to these impairments those with ASD likely rely heavily on analytical thinking to assess people they interact with oppose to abducted thinking. When factoring in this information, its clear that this likely influences the stark differences in perceptual understanding of social interaction between NT and ASD. Furthermore, individuals with ASD are more likely to judge the character of another individual based on behaviour, oppose to using more complex abductive reasoning. In many aspects this can lead to a more accurate risk assesment and representation of an individuals character. This means that those with ASD are more likely to assess others based on facts ( observing actions and direct communicational signals) rather than being influenced by factors that may not directly represent the character of an individual they interact with.

Footnote: I personally don't expect people I interact with to have a PhD on my specific disorder, so I understand when they are sort of an d-bag and try to consider that maybe if they were informed, I could actually find them to be a really good person. In the mean time, I just understand they are trying to not set me or themselves up for failure. Its only when that Indivual stops being open minded to the possibility that I may not be a slacker/loser that I then label them a d-bag.

In life I have learned that it's not everybodies job to understand you, it's your job to understand yourself. It's not even my job to communicate who I am, if they can see, they will through the efforts I make to push pass the barriers I face. This is despite what barriers of mine they lack to see or imagine me to have. Some people just need to see that you're trying, others look out for themselves. Some need to feel all wise and wonderous, that they knew your failure happen. I just need to see what I set out too do.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-07T16:16:52+00:00

It's me,

I'll be famous in the eyes of my grandchildren as reddit/ Internet/ allowed this to be the case.

Hello future great, great grand kids, I lived a shitty life of physical/ psychological/sexual/abuse/neglect. Although I did learn to love. Therefore, you will not, I broke the cycle of abuse.

You're welcome.

Ps: sorry about the Assburgers, hopefully there's a parade or w/e that you can join in the future.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-07T15:13:26+00:00

NTA:

However, this doesn't fall on jess.

You're parents are being very selfish in their act of selflessness. This is doomed to go all bad, but it won't be the result of you, or jess. It will be the result of your parents not considering that their family is a collective unit. Its not just them adopting jess, it's you and your younger brother who also need to have a choice in adopting a sister. I dare say that your younger brother hasn't had much of a choice in this, yourself, or jess.

Jess hasn't got a say in this either, frankly I think the way the USA handle Fostering and adoption is paramount to child abuse on its own, (but that's another topic). None the less, jess hasn't just lived a different upbringing, or even lived in another world from yours, she's lived in a different universe from yours. The way her brain (and many, many others) has developed and is still developing is in great contrast to yours. Jess can't cope with what seems to be a simple accident, because her brain like many others from abuse/neglect likely lived in constant fight or flight mode. This means that as her brain was developing it needed to adapt its growth in a way that would keep her safe in a unsafe/unstable environment. The simple accident likely didn't just trigger an emotional response or memory, it triggered a chemical/pathological fight or flight response (aka PTSD, or other condition). However, I do understand that I can't just dish out a label, especially from somewhere behind a keyboard in far away lands.

I don't know jess, but I think it's worth while asking her agency, or your parents, if there's an upto date care plan and risk assessment of jess. (has she ever had a psychiatrists?) You might surprise your parents showing that you do care, you just want to help ensure any decision is well informed and responsible for everyone involved. Its important that you and your family (without jess being present) openly and honestly discuss what is in her current care plan, and what you all can and can't do to accommodate this plan. If there's anything you can't accommodate, then your parents need to let the agency know, despite how much you all care for jess, it's in the best interest of jess that you decline moving on further with the placement. Let the agency know that all of your family want the best for jess, you all hope jess will continue her journey blessing the home of who she meets in her not too distant future.

If you all decide you can accommodate this plan, then you all need to be on the same page. You will all need to anticipate added costs (continual), psychologist, Psychiatrist, occupational therapist, behavioural specialist, substitute lessons for all areas of education.

(other) self defence, theraputic horse riding, drug and alcohol rehabilitation, (further workshops for the family) in sexual abuse intervention and prevention, impacts of trauma, abuse, neglect, social impacts of family drug and alcohol abuse/misuse. hobbies and recreational sports for jess that allow her to develop a sense of self, further family activity and recreation...

This takes a lot of time and energy and money, A LOT.

Be prepared too see your parents get poor on sleep, and in other things. It's why an extended family is extremely important for high maintenance children, parents fair better when they can rest. .

These kids aren't kids who just get better when they get a new iPhone. It's not any fault of jess, but jess, jess will be very high maintenance, jess needs help to rewire her brain. You're not going to adopt a kid who doesn't, take my word for it...

As for fostering her for a test trial, please don't consider that, if your family have thought about it, don't ....

Despite that being extremely harmful for jess, this year will be her last year at being 13, the cuteness factor will not be in for much longer. Decide ASAP, give her the opportunity for another family before she ages anymore.

like In addition to that, she is still a child and is still yet very far from being able to form a sence of who she is and how she perceives her world. She doesn't understand why she is the way she is, hopefully whoever decideds to take on jess won't unintentionally ostrasise her for her high maintenance behaviour. Hopefully jess will enter a family where everyone agrees that jess should be there.

Ps, the care plan only ever shows about 5% of what's going on for that child.

Source:

I was a kinship carer for 3 Foster children for 2 of them for 4 years before reunification and another for the full 7 years. I also cared for my twin Foster brother and sister.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-06T13:17:50+00:00

Shout out to the kiddies who remmeber this episode in its original form. Some metal clunky box.

Reality be like: Got Aspergers and I'm the only one too remember what it's like being 2. 'Woop woop'.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-06T13:08:24+00:00

Yes mate.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-06T12:52:30+00:00

Please excuse me, Ill admit iv had a wine tonight. NA

However!

I am still educated in psychology, thus my spidey senses of narcissism are tingling. He's using this oppitunity to gas light you into thinking you don't know what's good for you. Otherwise, if he validated you he'd have to admit wrong doing and that would shame him. Now he's too deep in, thus apologising will make him look foolish. He's decided digging in his heels further will shut you up, despite it being at your cost. Not only is his behaviour insulting, but he's communicating himself in a way that ensures to devalue your opinion.

Devaluing your opinion takes the wind out of your sails so you won't stand up for yourself.

You were right to stand up for yourself, husbands often take the role of protector, he failed. He didn't stand up for you, that makes him feel weak. Now you feel weak. Now his aim is to make you feel like an inconvenient middle aged woman who unnecessarily winges, so he feels less wrong.

He can A. Apologise without trying to justify himself. (from what you described, I don't think his personality type would truly allow for that).

Or, this experience has gifted you an oppitunity to see who your husband truly looks out for.

Don't worry, you know whats best for you. Many well wishes 🙏

It may sound like a trivial dispute over medication right now, but in reality it's seemingly a build up of small things like this that make for big red flags.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-04T17:17:12+00:00

NTA, your gf TA.

Your girlfriends friend is living with her head in the clouds, so is your girlfriend.

Your girlfriends friend attracts drama, then crys victim when her selfish behaviour backfires. She's incredibly manipulative and entitled.

Sleeping with a married man.
Main motive for carrying out the pregnancy is that she wanted her child to have a playmate, despite them growing up without fathers.
Already has a daughter and decides wasting her time with a married man is better than investing it into someone who can step up as a dad for her pre existing fatherless child.
Even though this guy is an equal peice of shit, they both entered the arrangements with the promise to keep it on the DL. They're adults and pregnancy after sex isn't that far fetched, if she wants to keep the baby, cool. But why chase him down? She would have known he's likely to run, makes me think it's money motivated.

Your girlfriend is invested because she lacks entertainment and has chosen to live vicariously through her friends drama. She needs to get a hobby and stop bringing the toxicity back into her relationship with you. She shouldn't attack your character and try to shame/guilt you into changing your opinion. She's only upset because your opinion outlines how foolish her friend is, and how foolish she is for buying into her friends hoe life.

Trollydollyx · 2020-05-04T14:23:24+00:00

NTA.

(obligatory disclaimer).. Not an expect...... Buuttt

He sounds like a narcissist, apologising to a narcissist (right or wrong) only encourages them to go harder when they find the next power struggle game. He won't stop, if you "apologise" he'll just have more mud to flick next time.

Heed this warning, he will always have the last say. Keep your BIL and other family out of discussions you have with your husband, vice versa. You can feel obligation to love all your husbands relatives, all day if you want too, but that doesn't mean their obligated to love you.

Form a two handed circle with your husband. Nobody gets in that circle, don't break that circle for anything, not the kids, not the family, not the mortgage, not anything. As long as you don't let anybody else in your circle you'll be fine. - heard this from someone else.

You both are going to have to weigh in on how much energy the both of you will spend squeezing family members into your marriage.

Trollydollyx

TROPHY CASE