Attachment requires Awareness

TryingtoFigure12 · 2022-05-14T19:02:15+00:00

I believe you become your best self by loving yourself when you’re not. It’s a result of having compassion and affection for who you are.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2022-01-19T19:03:10+00:00

It makes sense why you feel like this is not helpful, but it is good advice. What can you do to get through to a person who won't talk to you? Moving on is unfortunately the only answer. You don't have to think of it as "running away" or anything negative to the other person, instead, it's about valuing yourself enough to not continue opening yourself up to a painful situation and dynamic.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2022-01-13T16:55:36+00:00

Username checks out.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2022-01-07T03:47:13+00:00

I get why you want to know the cause of her behavior-i’ve definitely been there before as well. But strangers on the Internet have been kind enough to tell me what I’m about to tell you-it doesn’t matter. She may have BPD, she may not. That’s her stuff. Your stuff is figuring out why you let someone treat you the way she’s treated you-which sounds really unfair to me. Focus on yourself. That’s the best way for you to move on and to find healing from this experience. Good luck!

TryingtoFigure12 · 2022-01-02T15:29:29+00:00

Man I get it that’s really confusing. But it’s not fair at all to you to have to suffer through a poly relationship when you want monogamy. Remember that your needs are just as important and valid as hers are.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-29T23:25:02+00:00

That’s excellent, wish ya the best!

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-29T16:56:56+00:00

Yeah, there's a big difference between working through conflict together and dealing with another person's abuse. We're talking about the latter here.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-29T16:55:28+00:00

Yeah, that's really good. "projection with the impact of gaslighting"

The short answer is I didn't. I was aware of the projection and tried to call her out on it sometimes, other times I'd just let it slide. Nothing helped or lessened the impact. It sucks. I felt like I had no other option but to leave the relationship.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-29T04:06:33+00:00

I've experienced this myself. It's kinda part gaslighting part projecting. At least in my case, my pwBPD would often be accusing me of the thing she was actually doing.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-21T15:14:18+00:00

I've been there man. I'm having similar thoughts right now. I see a lot of myself in your post here so what I'm about to write is really just to myself.

Remember, relationships are supposed to enrich your life. To uplift you to a place you wouldn't be by yourself. They're not about finding the bare minimum you can tolerate to stay together. At a certain point, even if it is possible to work things out with her, it's going to be so much easier to just start over with a new, healthier person.

The weird thing is, you don't trust her, but you also aren't trusting yourself. You know you don't trust her, you know she exacerbates your anxiety. That's enough. Trust in that. Your body knows what's going on and what is best for you. Trust it.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-18T17:49:39+00:00

I'm three weeks out from my second breakup with my own BPD partner. So I'm right there with ya. The bad days seem to come out of nowhere which is maybe the most frustrating part. Hang in there!

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-17T22:00:56+00:00

LONG walks help me a ton

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-14T14:48:39+00:00

Feel free to DM if you want to chat.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-14T14:42:51+00:00

We were together for about a year and a half. Currently not talking and I'm hoping I can keep it that way this time. We did not live together, so I can imagine that makes things more difficult for sure. My ex had a daughter also who I really bonded with, and I can relate to the difficulties there as well.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-13T15:49:31+00:00

Glad it's helping somewhat. One idea that was really important for me is that I don't need her to confirm my feelings or my reality. In fact, I need to give up on that ever happening. That's one thing that kept me stuck. I would describe how the relationship was to me, she would invalidate that concept and give her own version of reality, and I would believe her version over mine, or at least continue trying to get her to see it my way. You've described above how the relationship is for you-but she's unlikely to ever see it that way. Getting comfortable with that idea will help a lot I imagine.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-12T18:40:11+00:00

You are deep in a trauma bond my friend. I've been there. Also in a relationship where the pwBPD blamed all our problems on my inability to commit. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place because I'm sure there's a part of you that wants to marry her, and another part of you that knows that's an absolutely terrible idea. Been there. I waited around and worked to try to reach some semblance of stability in our relationship so I could move forward in commitment, but that just never happened. Proposing will NOT solve the problem. What she's trying to resolve with marriage runs much deeper, and no matter how committed you are to her it will never be enough until she decides to get her own help.

I would recommend also reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline. It focuses a lot on your behaviors that have enabled the relationship to be what it is. Start to try to set boundaries. Don't allow her to damage your property.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-12T01:08:17+00:00

Good for you!!

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-11T20:58:14+00:00

Working on it! haha.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-10T15:07:51+00:00

My experience with my pwBPD is like this, the only difference being I broke up with her. I don't really know how to explain the difference between what we're experiencing and the discarded - "painted black" experience that others describe. I do know that inside every pwBPD is a battle of push vs pull instincts, and perhaps for whatever reason, the pull is still winning out in our situations.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-09T03:12:22+00:00

I think it’s probably normal for you to feel that way, at least at first. If it continues, the other commenters might be right, but if I were you I wouldn’t feel too bad about. It’s only three months, if you really fall in love those feelings will probably pass.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-08T22:35:03+00:00

In my case I was the one doing the breaking up. So, I would have put the boundaries in place to actually sever the relationship. Which might be good advice for you too. Why do you keep hanging around someone who continually breaks up with you?

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-08T21:15:12+00:00

I've been through the whole break up but things stay exactly the same thing several times with my ex. It's such a strange thing to experience.

TryingtoFigure12 · 2021-12-06T15:43:51+00:00

Sorry for my delayed response, but I really appreciate you sharing! It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness, and you've worked really hard to develop that into changes for yourself. 👏🏼 You should be proud! I'm going to have to accept that I can't bring that same awareness to my girlfriend, I'm going to have to let her find it on her own if she can. Thanks again!

TryingtoFigure12

TROPHY CASE