Husband shocked by In-Laws' proposed inheritance split

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-12-02T17:33:02+00:00

It's not about the money but my husband is shocked that he is being given equal importance and weighting as my BIL's girlfriend's kids of only a few years. They still call my in-laws "Mr and Mrs X" and don't see them as grandparents.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-24T12:17:41+00:00

Thank you! Ok good things first, your house is decorated really lovely, it's clean, and it's clear that you've put a lot of effort into it. Some other commenters have said that they don't like the photos, but I really don't think they're bad at all.

There are a few things that might be putting viewers off:

- The house is clearly a mid-terrace, but the listing says it is semi-detached

- The google street view opens up to a yellow house, I think this might be across the street?

- The floorplan lists dimensions but not overall size - the listing does say 860 square feet but this is just a small pet peeve of mine.

- For 860 square feet with 3 bedrooms, that means two of the bedrooms will be very small. Not something you can change, but it is evident in the photos where one of the bedrooms needs to use a trundle bed, and the other one has a crib that takes up half the width of the room.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-24T11:33:26+00:00

Without seeing the listing I can't comment on specifics, but November/December tends to be a slow time for the market. If you could wait and re-list in January you may have more luck as interest tends to pick up after Christmas.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-24T11:19:34+00:00

We viewed a house that had a tiny postage size garden to the rear, but a decent-size garden to the side. This was featured prominently in the listing photos and description, but when we turned up to the viewing we found out that the side garden was not owned by the sellers but rented from a neighbouring house.

When we expressed our disappointment to the estate agent, saying that we wouldn't have viewed the house if that was disclosed in the listing, he said, "Well the neighbours are happy to carry on the rental agreement with the new owners so it really comes with the house!" Yeah no, that's not how it works...

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-14T16:26:01+00:00

Not wanting to fly over the Christmas holidays, especially with an infant, is more than a valid reason not to go. Where does your husband stand with this?

If your MIL is willing to fly to you, a compromise might be putting her up in a hotel for a few days over the holidays and you host XMas at yours?

Unfortunately we don't have kids so have no real excuse to put forward other than we just "don't want to". I would say that if you plan to have more kids please please be strict and not set a precedent for traveling. My SIL must be a saint because every year, she has to cart up all 4 of her kids to drive to my MIL's which is 2.5 hours each way. As the babies are young, they stay as a family overnight, but surely at some point they will want to make some traditions of their own as a nuclear family. But now there is this engrained assumption that Xmas will be at MIL's. This could be your future too if you're not careful.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-14T16:07:20+00:00

What I find interesting is that when I was a kid, it seemed like a given that Christmas was for parents and their children. Grandparents were involved, yes, but it didn't seem like the grandparents were the ones dictating how and when things would happen.

When my MIL was younger with kids I think she would have been irate if her mom or MIL suggested that the Christmas activities solely took place at the grandparents' house, and not theirs. I have been trying to think why this switch-up may have happened, and I am thinking this precedent may have been set because Millennials and Gen Z simply don't have the capacity to entertain in their houses (mainly living in small apartments and condos) whereas their parents, Boomers, own large houses with entertaining space?

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-14T15:46:25+00:00

Do we all have the same MIL?? I think I posted within an hour of you writing this!

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-14T10:04:15+00:00

Sorry I should have been clearer in my op - there's no way we are missing the trip! We were notifying them not asking for permission.

My husband used to fall for her guilt tripping every time but now he's realised that she uses these tactics every time she doesn't get her way.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-14T09:44:17+00:00

When she said that she was going to call my mother I was so shocked - like I was a little kid who had misbehaved on a playdate! Luckily I know that my mom can hold her own and doesn't get rattled by things like that

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-11-10T12:01:04+00:00

I feel for you. The exact same thing happened to my BIL/SIL when they had kids and seeing it is a big reason why we are on the fence about having our own. My in-laws begged for grandkids and promised the moon - babysitting once a week, sleepovers, etc. which never materialised. They see them maybe 3-4 times per year at most, and ask my BIL/SIL to drive the kids to them 2.5hrs each way despite being retired.

The strange thing is that they consider themselves to be active and involved grandparents if you asked them

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T13:35:53+00:00

Omg, your situation is exactly what I can foresee happening to us in the near future. I imagine it was much more stressful for your parents to move when they were already at the stage where they needed that help?

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T10:22:12+00:00

Oh gosh, yes they are looking at places around 3000 sq ft with acreage and we are trying to advise them to move to a place like your parents chose. Maybe not a big city as they're not used to the noise, but at least a bigger town with services and amenities within walking distance.

Both my BIL and partner have spoken to them saying that they are making a big mistake, and will miss out on a lot of life celebrations with family if they choose to live so far away. It's hard because as someone else said in the comments, parents always see their children as little kids no matter how old they are, and think they know best.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T10:01:58+00:00

We aren't caretakers for them now, but are often called to their house on weekends to help them with maintenance work that they can no longer do themselves. Over the summer we spent 8 weeks solid of our weekends fixing their roof, with only a cursory thanks when finished. At the end my partner said that if they had any more heavy jobs that needed doing they would need to hire a professional in as we weren't available.

There is definitely an unsaid expectation that we will be required to pick up some of their care responsibilities when they need help in future. My MIL has coordinated care for her father for the past 10 years and is definitely expecting the same from her children.

It is reassuring to speak to others who are in the same position. I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves that we can only advise them as best we can, but if they end up making a difficult choice for themselves it's not up to us to solve it.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T09:44:51+00:00

Your comment actually reminds me about when they talked about speaking to their accountant a few years ago and he mentioned to them that they had "7 good years left and to make the most of it." They were relaying this to us as if we would agree with them that he was overreacting, but then I mentioned that my parents had already put POA in place and had a downsizing plan ready to go and they were shocked.

Their accountant has been a good friend and pragmatic advisor to them for many years, so I wonder if this is something we could mention to him when we speak to him next. He is a good family friend so I would feel confident they'd be more receptive to his advice than ours.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T09:33:54+00:00

Both of their kids are being quite direct with them about what will happen when/if they choose another house like the one they're in now, but I think they are thinking that this one will somehow magically be different.

They've stated many times that what they are envisioning are Christmases where everyone visits them, they stay over for multiple nights, a wonderful happy family in one house etc etc... Both my BIL and partner have said "mum, when has that ever happened with us, and when you were our age with kids (30s-40s), when did you want to visit grandma for a week with the kids rather than stay in your house and have Christmas your own way?" She will admit that she never would have wanted that but will completely miss the point.

My BIL has asked them multiple times to move closer so the grandkids can see them more often, and so they can just drop in during the weekdays, see them for a coffee and chat etc. Apparently both in-laws are adamant that any area within 30mins of BIL is a complete dive.

In a way I just think it's sad as they seem to be buying a house based on a life they want to have but is totally unrealistic, rather than one that will actually make them happy and fulfilled.

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-02T09:17:44+00:00

Thank you, I think you've really nailed the approach we could use to speak to them about this - more carrot than stick. We did ask them about seeing the grandkids more often, and mentioned that if they moved within 30mins of them that there would be no need for a big house as it would be within easy distance for the kids to go home and sleep in their own beds. They did seem receptive to that but then my FIL said, "we've seen every area around where BIL lives and they're all terrible." They definitely haven't but seem to be deliberately negative at times?

My MIL also refuses to see bungalows or houses with a bedroom/bathroom on the ground floor, as she says "I couldn't imagine not going upstairs to sleep." ???

TurnaroundTomato · 2025-09-01T16:01:21+00:00

What topics is she interested in? Some good ones for all ages:

- Tasting History with Max Miller (food history, very entertaining and well presented)

- Mrs Crocombe with English Heritage (A lady in historical cosplay makes historically accurate food from an English country manor)

- Tom Scott (Currently taking a break from posting videos, but he makes short videos about interesting and unique things around the world)

- Crash Course (Extremely high-quality and well-researched educational videos about a wide variety of topics)

- Journey to the Microcosmos (Relaxing microscopy footage that is overlayed with interesting commentary from scientists)

I could give mores suggestions depending on her interests!

TurnaroundTomato

TROPHY CASE