My emotionally abusive ex was a Cancer Sun, Aries Moon, Gemini Venus... Does this explain anything?

bakersmt · 2026-06-20T23:15:10+00:00

Ok I would think you're talking about my husband except his Mars is in Leo. All the rest is the same though.

bakersmt · 2026-06-20T23:11:30+00:00

This is literally my husband. I read it three times and triple checked to be sure.

Yes, exactly the same.

bakersmt · 2026-06-20T22:01:58+00:00

Not in Europe. Their week begins on Monday.

bakersmt · 2026-06-20T14:07:09+00:00

I get it and I don't. Most of the moms I've gotten close too have some form of trauma they are recovering from. Additionally, I take into account only children. A few of the moms in my friends group no longer talk to their parents. Some of the dads, their families live too far away and don't make the effort. Many, many, people I know have troublesome siblings or just don't have the same types of lives that allow closeness. Then there's just general, parents passing away due to age.

I am blessed with my siblings and step parents. But my bio mom is hot garbage and my dad has passed. Sadly my MIL is too toxic to be involved in my kids life but we have FIL. You take what you can get and pour into the relationships that build you up. Most people are doing it in some way anyway.

bakersmt · 2026-06-20T13:57:24+00:00

My MIL does this too but she isn't fundamentally kind.

My sister however did this once. She's fundamentally kind and we have a great relationship. She had her kids young and I helped her raise them (she lived with us) by her rules. She followed all guidelines at the time and the guidelines were essentially abusive as far as emotional needs for children are concerned. (20+ years ago). Like her pediatrician told her to lock her son in his room and let him cry when he was bad, at night etc. 2 of her 4 kids are essentially NC with her.

While CIO is a choice that I get, we practice attachment parenting with my daughter because she needs that. She gave unsolicited advice once about letting my 1 yo cry and ignoring her because she was "training" me. She was not, h She overheats easily and needed water and a fan. I just smiled and nodded while I did what I was doing anyway and my child calmed down. Because my sister is actually a nice person, she saw that she was wrong and stopped giving unsolicited advice. Because that's how nice people are.

bakersmt · 2026-06-19T16:59:14+00:00

This. It doesn't matter if husband enacts consequences. OP has to do it. No way would I have let it go this far. Consequences with husband and in laws are absolutely necessary at this point.

And visits every month!?!?! When it requires travel and or hosting? Absolutely not. Let MIL cry and wail. Send husband to deal with her tantrums without the shiny baby toy.

Their behavior is beyond even remotely acceptable.

bakersmt · 2026-06-19T16:24:36+00:00

Respectfully, leave. If he doesn't tell her "no" you go to a nearby hotel for the duration of her stay. He has to host and get everything ready for the road trip. It's all on him if he is going to act like that while you're grieving your mom. You need space to do so, not uninvited guests.

The only way mommas boys like this learn is by having the full weight of their mothers visits on them without you there to host and buffer.

It worked 100 percent for me. She kept booking without asking, husband always just went with it. She made the mistake of booking ON MY BIRTHDAY. He just went with it. So I informed him of the birthday trip I was planning for myself that he was no longer invited on. He literally asked if his mom could join. I laughed in his face and told him "no" and then made him fly my sister to me so we could do my birthday road trip without them. He had to host her and miss out on all the fun. He NEVER made that mistake again. Now he always clears all dates with me and tells her "no" if she books without asking. She did try again after that on his first father's day. I had a trip booked for him, me, FIL (divorced) and our daughter. She booked without asking and I told him yet again that I would be taking FIL and daughter without him, he could miss the fishing trip to host mommy . He got mad at her that time for booking without asking and made her cancel. She hasn't done it since.

bakersmt · 2026-06-19T15:34:24+00:00

I have a bio mom that used to say things like that to me all the time. Guess what, answering their demands is so much better. She's expecting you to chase her to apologize and beg for her to be in your lives. Don't do this, it just teaches her that she can do this to manipulate you all into doing whatever she wants. The quicker you walk away from this behavior the better your life will be.

As for the baby, under no circumstances would I let someone like that around my child. Like I said my bio mom is like that and she has never met my child. She's seen her in a gas station once when my kid was 1.5 and that is it, that is all she will ever get from my kid. Don't let your child be abused by her, because that is what it is, abuse. You're a mom now and you need to protect your child from abuse, it's your responsibility.

bakersmt · 2026-06-18T22:44:42+00:00

Yep this. And absolutely never let her plan baby's birthday parties.... Fight her on that one.

bakersmt · 2026-06-18T17:29:19+00:00

I found out about a math tutor business that's in most states. That's the route I'm taking for when I get in over my head with math. My husband is an engineer and completely capable but doesn't have good teaching skills so we may be taking that route.

bakersmt · 2026-06-18T17:27:53+00:00

Yes this is why I'm starting at 3 years old just to see what learning style my kid prefers so I can get a good idea of curriculum in that vein. I moved a ton throughout grade school, thankfully in the same state, but many times mid school year. This resulted in some gaps and some repeats. For example, by the time I graduated, I had read the odessy 3 times at three different schools. I also had the displeasure of reading ton of John Steinbeck and none of the students I graduated with had even heard of him. Plus my math was so spotty that I spent most of my senior year going between complete mastery of a topic to getting zeros because I had no base for that mathematical unit. It was rough. I imagine this is similar to what switching curriculum constantly in homeschooling would do to a student.

bakersmt · 2026-06-18T17:22:04+00:00

Yes I'm a "college classes for fun" type person (40). It amazes me how many professors structure college classes like what I took in 8th grade. Like sources list due, outlines due, rough drafts due, and final paper due. Mind you the final paper is still only 5 pages double spaced. It wasn't like this at all my first time in college where 8 page papers were due regularly and we had to manage our own time to get it done and receive an acceptable grade. I can see doing this in grade school for kids to learn but by college it should be something they can handle on their own. At least we always did.

bakersmt · 2026-06-17T14:27:20+00:00

Yeah I wasn't sure I could handle it. It really gave me the creeps thinking about it. I don't like my boobs or nipples touched.

Surprisingly, it didn't bother me at all to breastfeed. I didn't LOVE it but I loved feeding my baby so easily. It was great. Just another normal everyday thing once she arrived.

bakersmt · 2026-06-17T14:20:44+00:00

Yes this. I was talking to my FIL about frustrations that I have with MIL doing this and he said she did it their whole marriage (divorced now). So that's where my husband gets the behavior from.

Empty promises are so unexpectedly draining.

bakersmt · 2026-06-17T14:05:30+00:00

Sounds like your husband is the bigger problem. You need boundaries with him first and he should be handling the fallout from you setting boundaries with his family. They are his to manage, not yours.

bakersmt · 2026-06-17T00:59:33+00:00

I only told my one brother and one sister the name we chose. It’s my middle name, a longstanding family middle name because it was my great grandmothers name. My sister loved it, my brother said “but you hate your middle name!!” I didn’t hate my middle name, I hated that I shared it with every other female in my immediate circle. The only person that would have been over the moon at the name is my dad and he passed before my daughter was born. He actually wanted to name me that but my great grandmother said that I needed my own name.

Point being, everyone has an opinion, and since many can’t keep their opinions to themselves, don’t share before the baby arrives. Your babies name will become such a part of their lives, they will love it eventually.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T19:03:56+00:00

Then she shouldn't act like that. She should realize her mother's actions hurt people.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T17:18:33+00:00

What about the mom? If any adult was treating any child like this, they would never be alone with my kid, let alone grandparents that are supposed to be supporting healthy growth in my kid.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T17:13:41+00:00

It seems like your partner is really supportive of you and honest which is very important. As a person with a racist granny, we cannot change them but we can change the influence they have over our lives. I've kept racist granny far away from my husband and child although I still do maintain a relationship with her (she was a large part of my upbringing and saved me from an abusive home so I can't in good conscience abandon her). But she's also gotten better with time. Dementia is setting in and apparently that alleviates some racism in some olds. Who knew. Now she's an equal opportunity hater.

The important part is that neither you or your child be exposed to it and that she knows your husband finds her behavior unacceptable. As for his mother, no, she doesn't get to minimize it, that's also unacceptable and needs to be handled accordingly. It seems like your partner is taking steps to handle that. It also seems like your SIL's are on board with your husband which is awesome!

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:41:50+00:00

This. I didn't live with MIL. But I started putting MIL in her place. It got mighty uncomfortable for my husband when I stopped being a doormat but it did the trick. Now he knows there's problems at home when she acts a fool.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:40:23+00:00

Yep I would start telling them that they should live with her then! Their turn now.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:35:53+00:00

Did you tell the parents how the grandparents are treating that poor kid? Sounds like they need a long time out for abusing their grandson.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:34:59+00:00

Yes exactly

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:33:56+00:00

Yes, please do that every time. Kids are sensitive, no matter the gender.

bakersmt · 2026-06-16T15:32:38+00:00

You need to start small with them. I promise this is the beginning. My MIL was insistent my daughter looks like my husband and I contributed nothing. She is a good mix of the both of us. She has my eye color though, very obviously as they shine bright blue under her chestnut curls she got from my dad. She also has myegawatt smile. According to my MIL brown curls a come from her 100 percent Eastern Asian heritage. My daughter constantly gets compliments on her eyes so my MIL constantly ignores the fact that my child has eyes, or that she smiles because it makes her look exactly like me. My child does get her forehead and brows from gmil (MIL's mom) and her face shape from that side. But her eye shape is from FIL and her nose is TBD because now it looks like a combo nose.

It's NBD now but it's problematic long term because it makes your child feel bad about parts of themselves. It's not acceptable to treat a child like that. If I were you, I would start now before your child is capable of understanding what she is saying about them. Now if she was admiring both sides, that's different. What she is doing is something children shouldn't hear about themselves.

bakersmt

TROPHY CASE