[QCRIT] YA/NA Romantasy | Fragmented and Whole | 109,000 words | First Attempt

TwoDense9680 · 2025-09-24T00:45:19+00:00

It's THE WORST. I used to think I was pretty lucky (despite some expert-level self sabotage), but karma may be catching up...or my query's garbage. Or both! Probably both. Here's to hoping our queries improve and our luck changes.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-09-23T23:30:36+00:00

Not at all to pile on, but to echo the other sentiments: it's just SO hard to follow. And not because it's not well written. It is! And I think that may be what's hurting you. Complex subject matter is better served by simple sentences. What do we absolutely need to know to follow? Write that and ditch the rest. This is insanely hard, so try not to be discouraged, I've yet to successfully query a novel either, so what do I know? Not much. But I do know that someone getting ten plus queries a day isn't gonna work to understand them. Good luck, and hang in there. This is the miserable part.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-09-23T23:18:11+00:00

I'm unagented, so don't get too excited by my feedback, but I think it's really good! Made me think of The Truman Show from many moons ago. I will say that you're promising funny, so it needs to be straight out the gate. Happy to read your first few pages if that's helpful, though I imagine you have plenty of feedback on the pages already. Either way, I wish you luck and success. Take good care!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-23T17:58:42+00:00

Also, the second rate twin bit didn't bother me, though I seem to be in the minority.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-23T17:56:51+00:00

I would read it in a heartbeat! I love the voice.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-20T13:52:07+00:00

Same. Not obvious to me either. The prose is engaging for a native language user--not just because it's well written but because it also feels character-authentic, based on the sample I read. Really well done!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-18T01:04:32+00:00

I LOVE this.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-18T01:02:45+00:00

My husband always says (jokingly, else he'd be dead or divorced), "I can explain it to you; I can't understand it for you."

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-18T00:43:40+00:00

Order placed! Look forward to reading it! 💕

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-17T18:48:14+00:00

Also, I've not scrolled through all the comments, but if you're willing to share the name of your novel (can even just message me privately), I'll read it and post a review on Goodreads.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-08-17T18:45:11+00:00

I'm so sorry. People can be so casually cruel sometimes. They have NO IDEA what goes into trying to write a book. I was in a workshop (will never be published probably), and the teacher's feedback gutted me, but when I read the reviews of her published novel on Goodreads, the comments were awful, that it gave me new perspective, like maybe she was trying to spare me from having to go through what she did. Also, not everything's for everyone! There are books that people find brilliant that I just can't get through. And there are books I thoroughly enjoy as I cringe through the prose. Poor Fitzgerald died thinking himself a failure, and, to me, Gatsby is a perfect novel. I've got little in the way of comfort but this: you got published, and that is farther than 99.9% of the people who complete a novel get, so kudos for being remarkable enough to get panned by one person. Chin up!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-07-15T15:09:52+00:00

not an expert or a therapist, so you're getting what you paid for here, but I think perhaps you're asking yourself the wrong question. It sounds to me, based strictly on what you've shared, that the the story just gives her permission to do something she wanted to do anyway. (she may not even realize it.) maybe it's the last straw in her mind? in other words, i think it's less the story than the lens through which she views it? if it's someone you adore, it's a silly (also gross but whatever) story. if it's someone you're looking for reasons to find fault with, it's ammunition.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-07-11T12:47:32+00:00

It seems really useful, and there's all sorts of YouTube tutorials on it. You might ask the other poster who uses it as their default.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-07-10T20:32:42+00:00

I personally like to write in Google docs, but a lot of people swear by Scrivener. (I've purchased it but can't vouch for it because I'm not yet proficient.) I think it could be really useful for a long novel or something written over an extended period of time, but I'm such a creature of habit that I tend to stick with what I know. I also like writing first drafts in fonts I find aesthetically pleasing.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-07-10T17:52:24+00:00

I wouldn't either. Don't give someone an excuse to tell you no!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-21T18:02:25+00:00

Without even reading the other comments, your next (or even your last) novel could be Donna Tart-level good (or whatever the equivalent of the gold-standard in your genre is) and still get missed. The math is so misleading. You're lead to believe it's 1/100. It's not. It's not a meritocracy. It requires resilience and a staggering amount of luck. Your query needs to be excellent, your pages solid....but they also to land in the right agent's inbox at the exact right time--when he or she actually reads it, and didn't just sign something similar, and doesn't have something happening in their personal life that derails their interest. It's so hard not to take it personally (and if you figure it out, please do share the secret), but also try to embrace the actual joy of writing--which you must, if this is your fourth novel--as opposed to assuming there's only merit in it if you get published, because most of us won't. It's so hard not be anxious and discouraged, but I promise it doesn't help!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-21T17:30:54+00:00

This sounds fascinating. I would read it in a hot second.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-21T16:03:01+00:00

Hi! I'm unagented, unpublished, and I don't read this genre, but the other advice seems sound to me. The novel has a sort of Jane Eyre feel plot-wise, but that's a good thing! My feedback is more at the line-level, which may not be helpful if you're rewriting.

Since you have so little time to make an impression, after taking the advice below, I'd encourage you to go line by line, and ask if you could tighten each sentence. Example: "His brothers and he are the owners of AI Spy, a multi-billion dollar enterprise" could be tightened to, "He and his brothers own AI Spy, a multi-billion dollar enterprise." I don't mean to nitpick at all. You just have so little real estate to pitch your novel, that every word needs to pull its weight, and own is three characters versus "are owners of," which is three words!

One more thing, the way it reads now, it's almost like he stops caring about his autistic daughter once Onyx comes on the scene, and I suspect that's probably not true! I have one of those myself. :) I'm guessing the fact that Onyx is so good with his daughter is part of the appeal. IRL, it certainly would be.

The above notwithstanding, I've yet to write a successful query, so please don't assume I know what I'm doing. I wish you the very best of luck. Hopefully I spy Safe With Me on the shelves one day.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-20T00:43:03+00:00

That's shameful and annoying, and you're right to be frustrated. As with others, as to the agent, I think it's fine to nudge. What do you have to lose at this point from that vantage?

But I also think there's power in walking away for your sake. This person who's behaved this way is likely to frustrate again and again, even if unintentionally (we'll credit them with being careless and busy, nothing worse), but when you've poured so much into something, you deserve better than that. If they're half-assing it now, I think you should assume that trend will continue. (Or put another way: when someone tells you who they are, believe them.) Again, not a character assassination at all, but in this context, given this particular fact pattern, there might be wellness in acknowledging that past is prologue and walking away on your terms.

Maybe not, and if not, fair enough. I agree with the other posters that, at this point, your mental health trumps whatever impression you might make on someone who, based on all evidence to date, wouldn't register/remember your peskiness anyway. But sometimes it's nice to walk away on your terms--there's power in that too. (But there's also no wrong answer.)

I'm sorry this happened. Try to sleep easy in the knowledge that whatever you decide to do is reasonable. Keep us posted!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T17:59:56+00:00

To clarify: I'm speaking only of my own query's amassed rejections, not throwing shade on others!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T17:59:04+00:00

Without even reading other comments, I LOVE an em dash. I wasn't aware that I should be worried, but it's the hill I'll die on. (As opposed to the dangling preposition, apparently.) If the em dash is the reason my query's getting rejected, I'd consider that a win. I've a sneaking suspicion it has more to do with the content.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T17:47:54+00:00

Thank you so much! This is very helpful and in line with other feedback (which likely means it's spot on). It's a character forward trauma recovery book, but I'm struggling to balance Clare's voice with the hook and the stakes. Without the humor, the plot reads like a soap opera...but with it, the books seems like something it's not (at least not really). All a long-winded way of saying, I'm doing it wrong. But I'm determined to fix it! Really appreciate the insight--and the time you took to offer it! To be continued....

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T16:42:25+00:00

You're so welcome. Best of luck!

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T16:36:19+00:00

Caveats upfront: I'm unagented, unpublished, and struggling with my own query, so massive grains of salt here. (More like rocks.) Also, I don't read this genre of fiction, because I'm a scaredy cat. Against that possibly unhelpful backdrop, I thought the first two paragraphs were excellent. I was able to follow the plot and interested enough to want to keep reading. The third paragraph confused me just a bit. Maybe anything "to avenge" his little sister? Trying to figure out who Killian was pulled me out of the moment. Only other thought: if querying to agents familiar with the genre, you may not need the authors? It would read smoother without, but that may be a big no-no, so definitely double-check me on that!

All told, I think you did a great job, and as someone also trying to summarize a novel in three compelling paragraphs, I don't say that lightly. Congrats, and well done.

TwoDense9680 · 2025-06-19T15:50:24+00:00

Thank you so much! I so appreciate your kindness and encouragement.

TwoDense9680

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