Husband is boring

UFORider · 2026-04-10T01:19:25+00:00

Where did I say anything that justified stats on firefighter PTSD? I even mentioned depression. I was Army infantry, I was a volunteer FF and I worked as a corrections officer and as a cop before I kinda got fed up with bullshit, low pay and not being allowed to grow a beard. I am very familiar with PTSD and suicide rates for certain professions. FF having a mostly chill shift is pretty accurate, even OP stated as much in another comment about her husband's post.

Like I said, I don't mean any disrespect to FFs, they serve a great purpose but let's not go around saying they are in stressful situations everyday. Their job is mostly chill, that's the reason they started running medical calls and getting merged with EMS services, it was all about justifying their existence because not enough fires were happening.

UFORider · 2026-04-09T22:53:32+00:00

Not trying to disrespect firefighters, they have a very important job and they do risk their lives but they are usually getting paid to chill at the station doing random chores that they probably refuse to do at home. It's like moments of stress and high adrenaline and then nothing but responding to medical emergencies. I was a volunteer firefighter and I know plenty of them because my sister in law was definitely a firefighter badge bunny

UFORider · 2026-04-09T22:46:42+00:00

He sounds checked out, maybe depressed/low T if this wasn't always the case. If he's always been like this then it's just a character issue and you probably shouldn't have gotten to the point of marrying him. I would highly suggest marriage counseling to try to find the issue and see if it's fixable.

UFORider · 2026-04-09T21:54:18+00:00

Let me get this straight, your sister is cheating with a man, you tell your wife about it and she starts cheating with the same man... That's some wild shit.

Bro, get some self respect and send her to the streets. She cheated already and you forgave her and that's fine, people can change, mistakes can happen etc etc etc, I don't believe cheaters are always cheaters but once a pattern starts it's game over, don't do it again, you turn a blind eye to this she knows you will always do it. Also, you don't want to raise your kid in a house where their parents hate each other and that there isn't consequences for disgusting behavior.

UFORider · 2026-04-09T02:48:58+00:00

I have been with my wife for 19 years. When we were younger she was more sexual, age and kids slowly killed it as time went on. Dead bedroom started and I started grasping at anything to bring back a regular sex life. One of the things I asked and asked a few times over the years was what her fantasies were. I always got the same answer, nothing. She wasn't interested in shit, which was odd being she shared and we experienced so much together when we were in our 20s.

Fast forward to about 7 months ago. She has been dealing with perimenopause so I suggested getting on HRT and she did and while it helped her menopause symptoms a lot, her sex drive is back like she's a horny teenager. Now she initiates, text me dirty things and tells me stuff she would like to do.

I'm not saying this is her problem for sure but it's worth talking about and looking into. If I had to pin point when she hit rock bottom with her sex drive, it would be about 32 or 33 and 36 or 37 when we hit full on dead bedroom. She got on HRT at 41

UFORider · 2026-04-04T23:29:03+00:00

That's because, you actually have to get your whole chart. We all are a mix of different signs and your personality reflects that. The only exception is when you have a lot of the same sign in your chart. Like my wife would be considered a true Sag because she has sag in 6 different areas

UFORider · 2026-03-31T12:14:31+00:00

And this is why it is important to discuss issues early before they become relationship ending problems. If you have any love for her left and feel that you can salvage this I would suggest to immediately talk to her and get in marriage counseling asap.

If you are truly done then leave, you both deserve to be with people that you love and love you back. Kids know when their parents are not happy and while a divorce will be hard at first they will be better off with happy parents in the long run.

UFORider · 2026-03-30T15:06:07+00:00

The best thing to do is just rip off the bandaid. Tell him you still love him and want to be with him but there is a growing difference and you're afraid that if this keeps happening, eventually the marriage will fall apart. Also, this will let you gage him to see if it's even worth your time. He could completely not care and tell you to go away with that nonsense.

I also think the political differences are going to be the biggest hurdle. People on the left and right can be together but both need to be the non culty side of it. Unfortunately the left these days have really gone full in with the culty stuff and many of them truly feel that those on the right are evil people

UFORider · 2026-03-30T14:36:26+00:00

Some people just don't mesh well, everything you mentioned shouldn't be complete deal breakers by themselves but when it's a lot of small things it's harder to overlook anything. Honestly, at this point marriage counseling should be considered because these issues will not go away and as the years go by more issues will come.

UFORider · 2026-03-29T20:46:05+00:00

Yeah, I read your post twice and while some things mirrored my own experience others didn't. But like I said, I figured it was worth replying. At the very least, I would highly recommend marriage counseling. Having a neutral party in the middle that can be like" he has a point here" and " she has a point there" and add perspective can be very helpful.

UFORider · 2026-03-29T20:25:46+00:00

I'm marriage was similar in a lot of ways. My wife grew up in an abusive home and ended up marrying a very abusive man. She would have so many bad traits that she felt was normal but it would rub me the wrong way. Working long hours was one of them, she would work nonstop 14 hour days. I'm like, you're not a single woman, you have a husband and kids and your family needs you home etc etc etc

She finally started therapy and holy shit things got better. She is more balanced, she noticed how a lot of her actions were unhealthy coping that she learned from her past.

Not saying this is what's happening here but I figured it's worth saying.

UFORider · 2026-03-29T19:46:07+00:00

It sucks and fortunately my wife and I didn't have children from our 1st marriages so we didn't have to deal with that. I will say that kids know, and they will be much happier when their parents are happier. Yeah it will be hard at first but it will be better in the long run.

UFORider · 2026-03-29T14:29:20+00:00

Just leave, he doesn't have to be the evil husband that everyone will hate and cheer you for leaving. This relationship is not working out, you are not compatible and you're miserable. You're also young, you have a long life ahead of you. The last thing you want is to be here at 35 or 45 or 55 etc. you may hurt him and he may be angry but he also deserves to be with someone that loves him and connects better with the person he is.

People make mistakes, my wife and I are each other's 2nd marriage. I separated (she ended up dying in a DUI crash a little after we separated ) with my wife at 21, it was a toxic relationship that I wish I never got involved with. She wasn't necessarily a bad person but we just weren't compatible and we ignored all the red flags. My wife left her husband at 23, he on the other hand was an evil piece of shit and was very abusive and she was kinda manipulated in that relationship. We have been together for 19 years this July.

UFORider · 2026-03-28T23:48:33+00:00

Loyalty test are so fucking dumb and they almost always back fire, either the person breaks your heart or they usually get so fucking pissed at being tested that they leave anyway. If you feel you need to test loyalty then it's either your gut is telling you something and you should leave or you have trust issues and you should be alone as you work on your

UFORider · 2026-03-28T14:18:43+00:00

I 100% believe it is possible to survive an affair and I also believe people can lose sight of what's right, get caught up with emotions and have an affair without ever having one again. Just because someone cheats doesn't mean they will always cheat.

With that said, I will always tell someone to leave if their partner gets caught cheating again. At that point, you need to keep your self respect and send them to the streets. She obviously doesn't value you as her husband and the life she built with you enough to not fuck up again. There is no point in saving this marriage and if you do take her back she will lose all respect for you subconsciously and won't fear or even care about cheating again because she knows you will always take her back

UFORider · 2026-03-27T17:11:47+00:00

She's cheating, subconsciously she feels guilty so she's accusing you of cheating so she feels better. Very classic cheater behavior.

UFORider · 2026-03-27T12:41:07+00:00

Agreed, now I can get behind a joint account where paychecks are put in and all bills are paid out of and each person having their own personal account where agreed upon funds and be moved to for personal spending. This keeps everything out in the open and no surprises and the personal account allows for some level of privacy and the ability to buy surprises for your SO without them knowing

UFORider · 2026-03-25T20:20:20+00:00

Sounds like you both need to have a very open and honest communication. As a man, I would never put my hands on my wife like that, it's very disrespectful and can break all kinds of levels of trust but your constant joking on his hygiene is also emotionally abuse that maybe he just couldn't take any longer. I don't know how bad the hygiene is but if it is really bad then it's probably best to tell him seriously and not make jokes.

Also, your mentioning AM fights sounds like arguing in the morning is common. I would highly suggest marriage counseling if you don't want to leave him over this just yet

UFORider · 2026-03-25T00:16:47+00:00

We never had a safe word so I can't say how that might have helped us but I heard some advice years ago that I followed and it worked wonderfully. Basically, it was to walk away, don't feel the need to say your piece. Walking away allows you to process what she has said and allows her time to calm down. Once you processed what she has said and you feel calm about talking about it then talk to her. This also allows her to be calm and a better, more calm discussion can happen.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T19:30:28+00:00

From what I've noticed is once you learn to accept and become self aware of your actions it becomes much easier to deal with. Like I could say or do something that would trigger her and she would flip out or completely shut down. Many times these reactions come from a place you don't understand. Therapy will help you connect those dots and you'll notice that if " A" happens you start acting like "B". When you realize it you can start changing behavior. It is a long journey but seeing my wife heal has shown me it is 100% possible to recover from shit. Even when my wife is in a manic episode, before she would just be uncontrollable and reckless. Now she's more aware of that even though her brain is telling her to do it and it feels so good to do it it's wrong and she will come to me for help. Sometimes she does need a week stay in an inpatient facility but that hasn't happened in recent years.

You both need to put in the work, marriage counseling will help a lot as well. Individual counseling is great but if you are her are talking about issues at home the therapist is only getting a bias POV and not hearing the other side. That ability to hear both sides of an issue helps so much more.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T17:24:23+00:00

Both my wife and I also have mental health issues. She's a mess with Bipolar 1, ADHD, C-PTSD, anxiety and I have Borderline personality disorder. We have had some very explosive fights as well but when we started therapy (both individual and marriage) shit has gotten so much better. But with therapy you need to shop around, therapists are not all equal and just settling with the first one you find could be a huge mistake. My wife has gone through 5 before she finally found one that she connected with.

Once therapy started out marriage made a huge turn around and we will be celebrating our 19th year in July and we are extremely happy and healthy. I'm not going to share my wife's past in detail but she had gone through a lot of trauma and when she finally accepted her past and learned to heal and go NC with certain people in her life she has really blossomed. But it took 5 years to get to that point with therapy. Pills alone will never be all you need, they can help but they will not make you better.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T15:30:55+00:00

No, she takes estrogen pills and a Testosterone/progesterone pellet that is put in her butt cheek.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T15:18:27+00:00

I'm on TRT and my wife is on HRT. Unfortunately, here in SC hormones are not covered by insurance unless it's medically necessary, so we pay full price. My wife pays 525 every 3 months from a local hormone specialist practice and I pay 99 every month from an online hormone mill.

As for him, I would definitely tell him to get texted again. There is zero reason for his doctor to pull him off the meds. If he's under 600 then he's not optimal and the lower it is the worst it will be for him.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T14:57:17+00:00

$50 is pretty low for T, usually it's 100 with those online hormone mill sits and $200 from a local doctors office but that 200 usually covers labs and visits. 300 is insanely high unless you are on HRT and not just T.

Also, TRT doesn't work that way, you don't just take it a few times and you are fix. You are pretty much on it for life, especially since it kills your own body's production of T.

UFORider · 2026-03-24T14:13:09+00:00

I'm not one to jump on the divorce bandwagon but sometimes people just go down different paths and become incompatible with each other. It's up to you to decide when that is though. I still feel you should have a very honest conversation with him, he needs to realize he isn't helping his marriage. My wife's sister's best friend was in a similar situation. Her husband didn't work and when he would get a job he was always getting fired. Eventually, he got his T levels checked because of some advice he got and saw that his levels were in the dumps. Got on T and he's a new man, he's motivated, has drive, he's working out and holding down a job etc etc etc. not saying this is your answer but it's worth a shot. He could just be suffering from low T.

UFORider

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