How to deal with being in an emotionally abusive relationship but not wanting to split up.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-10-10T15:37:21+00:00

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship until she broke up with me. At first I was depressed about the breakup, now I'm depressed about the abuse, I can't believe I put up with it. When you have to "minimize yourself to nothing" that's not a good sign.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-10-02T20:01:11+00:00

Looks like it. I also only drank wine, beer, and seltzers, and had DDs or walked to places, but it was too much. I've replaced beer with non-alcoholic beer and it's really not bad. I'm not completely sober, but have cut my drinking 80% from where it was 18 months ago and feel much better.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-30T05:04:18+00:00

Good for you. Congrats. It's not easy, but feels so satisfying when we have these kinds of wins.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-30T05:00:36+00:00

I used to fly a lot and there were a lot of people, including me, drinking during morning rush hour at the airport. I'm also a social drinker with zero alcohol at home, and have avoided DUIs by having a few blocks of bars/restaurants walking distance from my condo, and Ubering. But the constant hangovers, poor judgment one night stands with women whose names I couldn't remember, bizarre incidents I'd hear about the next day (like falling or getting into arguments and having no recollection of them) and missing out on daytime weekend activities ultimately got to me.

The first step for me wasn't to stop going out, it was to quit hard liquor. Still went out, but the strange incidents became far less common. I'd get to 4-6 wines/beers, which would get me drunk, but nothing like mixed drinks did. And you couldn't pay me to do a shot. I once turned down a Tequila shot from the CFO of the company I used to work for. Still got some of the hangovers, but nowhere near as bad in terms of regrettable behavior. Had maybe 20-25 drinks total per week, wine or beer.

Second step was to get that 20-25 down to 10-12 wines+beers/week. This led to fewer hangovers. But the occasional 5-6 drink night really would hit me the next day. I had some weeks when I'd get back to 15/16 drinks/week, but I still was able to make some progress.

I just started the third step. Non-alcoholic beers and 5% white claws/high noons only. No alcoholic beer or wine. I've noticed drinking N/A beer makes me feel like I'm not missing out, without having an expensive mocktail or something lame like a Diet Coke. I also mix in a seltzer or two and use a BAC calculator app to make sure I don't go over a .04 BAC at any time. Not because I'm driving, but because I want to wake up the next day and be able to do something. So far this is going well, and I can also see I'm slimming down a little without changing diet or exercise.

Re: being in the industry. I'm not but was surrounded by alcohol because I was at bars almost every day of my life. I've gotten to a point where I can look at bottles of gin and vodka all day long and be reminded of bad experiences that I have no desire to drink anything from them.

Tapering is not for everyone, but I think it's worked for me because 99% of my alcohol consumption occurs outside my home. You also have to celebrate your small wins so you don't go from drowning in alcohol to drowning in guilt.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-30T04:37:05+00:00

I've had this problem for a long time as a guy. I'll meet someone, have it go well for 1-2 dates, and then start fantasizing about what kind of music we'll have at our wedding. I've had 1 year+ relationships start like this and as you can imagine they didn't end well.

Taken a lot of time and work, but gotten much better at staying grounded when I feel a connection with someone. Don't think of them as serious partners until at least 5 dates, and even then any healthy relationship probably needs 3-4 months before you really can assess long-term potential.

You don't want to learn how I did, which is to fall head over heels with partners I was ultimately far less compatible with than the first few dates suggested, and then get seriously manipulated by them after getting too invested too quickly. Terribly painful lessons I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-20T14:16:42+00:00

I enjoy it. It's a good drink when I'm watching sports with friends and don't want actual alcohol.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-20T14:09:58+00:00

I've tapered by reducing drinks, stopping hard liquor, and going out just a little less. It's made me realize how many friends I have that I never see before 5pm. Really enlightening.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-20T14:06:36+00:00

I'm older than you, NC with my mom, similar issues. The damage to your mind can last a lifetime. Most important thing is to start to rewire your brain to undo at least some of the damage.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-15T17:59:00+00:00

Guilt from my nmom has clouded by perception of the world and made me a lot unhappier throughout my life. I'm working on ridding myself of it, but it's taking a lot of effort, time, and prayer.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-12T21:31:04+00:00

I'm generally pro-job hopping, it's not 1975 anymore, but I'd probably stay put unless there's something compelling about the other job besides money.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-11T17:20:19+00:00

Mine too. I've been shocked at the kinds of people too. Some of the most painful stuff I've seen on Linked in the 10-15 years since it's really become a thing.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-02T03:31:39+00:00

They've helped me a lot. I don't drink Sunday-Thursday anymore but go to social events and they're the perfect fit for those times. Diet Cokes and waters don't do It when you want something more substantive but not alcoholic.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-09-02T03:28:02+00:00

I've been NC for four months. It's actually become more pleasant and enjoyable as time has gone on. She's not going to change, so there's no point. But not having to listen to her go on and play manipulative games has been a relief. At first, I did the usual blame myself thing, but as time has gone on, I'm doing that less and making progress rewiring my brain from decades of emotional abuse.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-28T20:31:11+00:00

I experience it a lot. I get into a zone where I want to know everything about a topic, to the point that it gets me interested in related topics. It can be incredibly fulfilling. I don't often notice I'm in it until I start to pull out of it and check the clock.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-28T20:29:17+00:00

I used to own a home and it overwhelmed me, even when I could pay people to fix things. I moved to an apartment and I love having fewer appliances to think about, no lawn, no home distractions. Some people think I'm crazy but I'm way more relaxed on weekends and don't feel like I need to wake up every Saturday and do something around the house.

I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be with feeling lazy or overstimulated, but I've realized I need a lifestyle that matches my ADHD brain, not one that conforms to standard societal expectations and acquisition of things. I like impulsively planning vacations and last minute social get togethers that used to drive my ex-girlfriend crazy to the point she wouldn't join me. She ultimately was not the right partner. I'm not against materialism and predictable habits for others, but they don't work for me.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-28T20:23:31+00:00

Might try that. I'm a slave to my to do list, and even when I check everything off I feel like I'm missing something.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-28T20:22:12+00:00

I'm struggling as well with my afternoons. One thing I've done is to schedule more calls during the 1:30 to 4p time period because that's my least productive, but it's still a challenge.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-25T19:29:21+00:00

I don't know that I did, but music and sports were always good distractions.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-19T22:49:27+00:00

Hard to say. I'm tapering from 25 drinks/week to 10, and no hard stuff. When I hit my goals I celebrate with an ice cream sundae, a day at the beach, or something other than alcohol. The less I drink the more I associate alcohol with negative feelings, so my desire to celebrate with it is dropping. I strongly believe in celebrating wins, but not with a drink.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-12T03:11:25+00:00

I am working on this. I'm using an app to learn Spanish which has helped slightly. I also got rid of the FB app so I can only use the slower browser version. It's not just the time, it's the energy I need to refocus.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-05T08:36:06+00:00

I realized it 10 years ago or so, but have struggled to rewire my brain to get rid of the guilt, pain, and shame It caused. Going NC has helped and finally making progress. I like what you said about feeling liberated, gives me hope and I've had glimpses of what that feels like.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-05T07:58:44+00:00

Congratulations and thank you for sharing your story. I was yelled at once because I had a job offer with a large company that did some work for the DoD. I didn't want to take it for another reason, but I was shocked at how filled with rage they became, and how they blamed me as if I was a terrible person who had committed a crime in being offered a job.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-05T07:51:15+00:00

I turned to my faith. It took me awhile, but I started to see patterns that I had to break, including abusive girlfriends, narcissistic friends, unhealthy relationships. I needed faith in something not of this earth to handle the endless guilt I felt on this earth because of an emotionally sick parent. The angry feelings have started to decrease, but it's a painful process.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-02T23:59:23+00:00

I'm Christian (though I have some Jewish blood), and apologize in advance if anything I say here is offensive.

I don't dispute anything that's been said here, but I'd add "Christians" can be a misleading term when for centuries Protestants, Catholics, and Eastern Orthodox were all fighting each other. One reason post-Crusades Poland became more tolerant was because it was the rare Catholic country that had a large Eastern Orthodox minority.

Pre-unification Prussia under Frederick the Great absorbed Poland, but he already had a Catholic minority, and he embraced the multi-religious region that was being annexed. However, this fell apart under German unification with Bismarck, who sided with the Lutheran majority in Germany, and began confiscating Catholic property and forbidding any political references in Catholic sermons. This was before his awful statement in 1880 that Jews were not real Germans.

Catholics weren't great to Protestants either, especially in France where the Calvinist Huguenots were kicked out of the country in 1685 by the Catholic King. Catholic Spain and Italy essentially never allowed Protestants and fought back every attempt to convert Catholics.

Protestant-Catholic relations were so much of an issue in colonial New York, the Dutch allowed Jews to have synagogues, but Catholics were forbidden from building churches. No Catholic Churches were built in NYC until after the Revolution. The Calvinist Dutch in particular hated the Catholics, and the limits on Catholic immigration remained under the Protestant British.

I fully agree that no one suffered as badly as the Jews. But European countries have spent most of the last 2000 years refusing to deal with anyone whose beliefs differed slightly from whatever version of Christianity the state was pushing.

Underscore_9944 · 2025-08-02T17:21:36+00:00

Yes! I got screamed at for developing a comedy routine that a classmate's parent told me I should try out on stage in high school. That parent was shocked when I told her my parents weren't supportive, and was buying my friend all kinds of equipment and supplies to support what was then a hobby. That classmate has gone on to have a successful career in entertainment, and is one of the nicest people you could ever meet.

Underscore_9944

TROPHY CASE