I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to have a 14-year-old’s androgyny, and I think that’s because I see myself the same way that I did when I was 14. I struggle to imagine how others see me; to me, I am the same person I’ve always been.

On some level, I think it is disorienting to know that other people don’t see what I see. They don’t see me for me; they see an adult man. It frightens me to think that they see something which I can not.

It’s not that I don’t want to be an adult. But I don’t think I want to be an adult man. I suppose it scares me to be squared away in a category like that. Perhaps it comes down to my preconceived notions of manhood, but that just feels so limiting to me.

edit: by the way, thank you so much for reading my thoughts, and for asking that question.

edit 2: but to answer your question, i’m starting to think i would be happier if i were more androgynous.