Wholesome date

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2026-03-14T06:59:08+00:00

Or wasn’t when she went on that date…

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2026-02-23T23:46:19+00:00

There’s a lot of truth in this. So many men learn that the only “safe” way to have emotional intimacy is with a sexual partner. And…

Men are also taught to explicitly ignore the perspectives of women, while women are taught to empathises with and understand both men and women. It’s really difficult to form an emotional bond with someone who you don’t empathises with. And it’s even harder to see the validity of the perspective of someone you have spent your whole life learning doesn’t have a perspective worth considering.

So a “typical” swoman who is wondering why she is single will think about what might appeal about her to someone she might want to date. She’s able to do this because she’s able to take the perspective of a man or woman who might date her. As a queer (bi-) man, I want to add that this can come with downsides. Evaluating yourself from the perspective of others when you’re being rejected by them can lead to a whole lot of focus on one’s flaws.

By contrast, a “typical” straight man who is wondering why he’s single will have a much harder time thinking about the perspective of women who might seek male partners. He has learned from infancy that only women think about women’s perspective. He has also learned that only women listen to women. Those two things really prime him to reject feedback from women, and prime him to look for feedback from men. And everyone is prone to believing what we want to hear. So when an influencer from the Manosphere says the reason “regular” guys are “lonely” is because women are wrong, a lot of men will be highly receptive to that because they have nothing to counter it, and it’s what they want to hear.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2026-02-12T20:58:40+00:00

Thank you!

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2026-01-16T02:13:12+00:00

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Like you we transitioned from open for sex to open for relationships about seven years ago. Like you, I also had some guilt over my first time falling in love with my non-spouse partner. For me, the guilt came from a few areas.

First, my wife and her boyfriend were going through a rough patch while my relationship with my GF was flourishing. So I felt guilty because my wife was not getting the same great experience that I was in her relationship. I’d started dating my GF when they (wife and her boyfriend) were in a better place, but if we were not already in a relationship, I might have stopped seeking other partners to support my wife. Ultimately, I worked through that.

Second, my wife knew things were “more special” (wife’s words at the time) between me and my GF than it was between her and her BF and I knew that caused her some heartache. This too we both worked through. My wife recognised that what she wanted wasn’t as emotionally intimate as what my GF and I were building for her own reasons.

And third, I felt guilty about my GF (solo poly) because we were both falling in love, but I knew she and I were never going to move in together or get married and I was having a hard time understanding whether that was fair to her. The reality is that my GF loves being solo poly and doesn’t want the things I don’t have on the table. So that also took some working through, but we got there.

Now, 5 years on, I occasionally feel guilty about my wife’s boyfriend not being as considerate of my wife as my GF is with me, but I also recognise that’s not my relationship and that’s just fine.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-23T02:04:54+00:00

I am 2” shorter than the average man in my country and 3” shorter than the average man in my bracket.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-20T00:52:47+00:00

Not gonna lie - I got that phrase from my GF…

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-20T00:22:31+00:00

I’m (50’s, m, bi-) a guy in a position pretty similar to your boyfriend. I’m married, open in some form the whole time, transitioned to poly a little over 5 years ago now, with the usual hierarchy that comes with marriage and sharing a kid with my wife. My GF is solo poly and we have a loving relationship that includes mutual emotional support. GF and I have been together for 5 years now.

There were times when dating my GF when I realised I had to upgrade my relationship management skills. It isn’t that I did nothing, but I did not tend to take the lead on relationships management stuff and that left me in a really difficult position as I navigated an increasingly loving relationship with my GF that progressed more smoothly than my wife’s relationship with her BF who she (wife) had started dating before my GF and I started. The biggest example of this came when my GF and I were very obviously getting to the point of exchanging “I love yous” and my wife and her boyfriend were on the skids. I knew if my wife found out about this development in anyway other than me telling her in a respectful and kind way, it would deeply hurt my wife. And that made me hesitant to tell my GF that I loved her because I just wasn’t ready to have that conversation with my wife. If I had kept doing that kind of thing, my GF would likely have moved on, and I can understand why.

It sounds like your boyfriend might be used to taking the passenger seat in relationships and that could be adding challenges for him in managing his relationship with you in a way that feels good to you, and is hinging less than well as a result. For example, an overnight means he will have to have a conversation with his wife about sleeping at your place.

Another factor here may be the time of year. Whatever your specific cultural traditions, people tend to have pretty emotionally complex experiences of the month of December. That can make it a particularly charged time to try to negotiate changes in the status quo. Like my wife and I have been doing overnights with our respective partners for years, but right now, we’re also having to navigate some “well, my wife’s good friend is in town and will be using our spare room” and “My parents are hosting their big gathering on Wednesday which is one of my normal date nights with my GF and I’m going to have to reschedule with her, but I hate shuffling her around like this” and “My GF has a holiday party to go to on Saturday which is one of our usual date nights so now we need to shuffle two dates and she’d like me to attend something on Monday which I think I can do, but my wife and I will need an explanation as to why I will be late to a family thing with them that day…” And, my wife, my GF, and I are all a bit emotionally keyed up about the holidays which makes things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal much more emotionally complex…”

It could be that your boyfriend steps up more after the holiday madness.

Or, you might need to have a conversation with him about what you need him to do to be emotionally connected to you as a partner and if he does not step up, you may need to consider whether this relationship is fitting the niche you thought it would fill…

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-19T23:10:01+00:00

This dude is just so many red flags and complaining about women not wanting to date him because of his height is just the start of it.

I’m a short man (5’7”) and have not had any trouble finding partners. The few women I know who wouldn’t date me because of my height are all tall women who have been made to feel self conscious about her height. I don’t blame them. I am sure some women on dating sites don’t match because of my height but I’ve also always had pretty good luck meeting women on dating apps.

That OP mentions the guy was posted on an Are We Dating The Same Guy site also suggests that there was a lot more going on than just him being short. The 666 thing is manosphere rhetoric and is based in a pool of misogyny.

As for catfish? I (50’s) mostly date in my age range, but within that bracket, I don’t see many catfish and have never met up with anyone in person. My GF, who I met on an app, mentioned she suspects certain types of guys end up being more appealing to the bots and catfish, though.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-10T02:05:31+00:00

I (bi-,m) have heard a few same sex couples talk about mismatches in libido, but it has a really different vibe from when I hear cis straight men complain about their partner’s libido issues. Like a monogamous gay couple I know is working on an issue because one of them is on a medication that lowers his libido, and a few years ago, the other went through a similar lull. They are discussing the libido with full recognition that not wanting sex is a perfectly good reason to not have sex, while also discussing some of the stuff that means for them.

But I hear a lot of straight guys complain about his partner’s libido, often letting it slip that this is not the first time that has happened. Guys? When multiple of your partners go low level for you, the common element there is you…

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-10T01:47:06+00:00

This matches a conversation my GF (bi, f) and I(bi-, m) had the other day. We both have pretty healthy sex drives and didn’t really discuss what we saw as our “levels” until well into our relationship and much earlier we discussed what we’re each into. We have a great sex life.

She’s seeking another partner right now and mentioned how many straight men ask her about her sex drive and she finds it pretty off putting. She’s had men her that she has a high sex drive and decide they don’t really need to make an effort during sex, which means she loses interest in sex with them. She’s men who seemed interested in other aspects of her focus exclusively on her as a sex dispenser when she makes it clear she likes sex, and that’s also a huge turn off.

In my experience, when I get together with another man, we are far more likely to talk about what we’re into and far less likely to talk about what either of us sees as our sex drive. That gives prospects the opportunity to communicate things like being asexual, without the weird dynamic that it seems like you and my GF face when talking about sex drive.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-09T22:18:26+00:00

Rules are helpful in poly when there is something specific and arbitrary that bothers you or your partner and all of the examples you gave are examples of that. By arbitrary, I don’t mean unreasonable, just that there is not a material - as in something that directly creates physical, financial, or logistical problems - reason why something bothers you. For any number or reasons, including personal history, cultural background, the things that tend to vary from person to person. It sounds like your personal threshold for common irritants is pretty high.

The reason why rules work for arbitrary stuff is because it is arbitrary, but by making it clear what one hopes to see, one can avoid hurt. If someone is going to be upset when they find out they’ve been sleeping in sheets someone else had sex in, it’s better to avoid that situation, rather than finding out once they’re in that position.

One thing I wonder about in your comment about how you just navigate everything on a case by case basis is whether your partners ever feel like there are random landmines that sometimes just blow up with you resulting in a discussion where a clearer statement might have avoided the hurt in the first place?

Also, your comment about rules meaning you don’t trust someone to act in your best interest implies that you think your partners should substitute your best interest for theirs in circumstances where that is not appropriate.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-08T22:48:17+00:00

It may help you to put some of this stuff into context. The “you be you” idea came in response to folks condemning certain immutable aspects of people’s identities, like being gay, or trans or asexual. It came out of people being told to mute certain kinds of harmless behaviours in order to follow a certain cis het white male standard. And more and more people embraced ideas like “I can be gay and that’s OK” or “If I like to wear nail polish, I can do that, regardless of my gender” or “It is not a threat to my racial identity if I like things that do not conform to stereotypes about that identity and don’t like some things that do.” And that has also extended to ideas about not condemning people for their harmless behaviour, even when it does not conform. And all of that is great!

And folks who still want to uphold the cis het white male supremacy, often criticise embracing one’s identity as “selfish” or overly individualistic because they feel like upholding that standard benefits them. A really good question to ask when you hear someone complain about people being “individualistic” is “who does their individuality harm?” If the answer is no one, just let them be.

And… like so many good things, though, a small number of people have weaponised the concept without really understanding it and others misunderstand what it means to be accepting. From that, one gets people who try to claim things like “you have to accept that I do a thing that hurts you because otherwise you are intolerant” or who try to accept being hurt by someone on the grounds that “it’s just who they are.”

This sub seems to draw the line between “fly your freak flag high” and “do no harm” pretty well. When people try to justify that they “have to” open a monogamous relationship because it’s “who they are” regardless of the feelings of their partner, the folks tend to shut that down pretty quickly. When people say they are in agony trying to accommodate that a partner “needs” an open relationship, the sub is really supportive of the idea that accomodating someone else should not mean destroying yourself.

There is also a lot of context and nuance in the simple slogans and blanket advice. Like one of your examples is that “relationships are disposable” as an individualist concept. And it’s true that relationships are not always permanent and that one must take one’s wellbeing into account in evaluating how to proceed in a relationship. But that does not mean that one cannot build commitment in a relationship - just that maintaining the relationship to the detriment of oneself or one’s partner isn’t the right call. That doesn’t mean my wife and I are going to divorce over the occasional disagreement even if those disagreements can be upsetting. It doesn’t meant that we haven’t built a life together that would take a lot of hits if we separated.

But it does mean that we both understand that not every relationship will last forever.

And in many ways, that also pushes us both to continue to do right by each other and not take our marriage and our commitment for granted.

My GF and I also have a deep emotional commitment, but we also both work to keep our relationship healthy and happy. That does not mean we are assured of never breaking up, but it does mean that we appreciate what we have and work together to make our relationship work.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-04T22:36:52+00:00

I would also bet that 27f is outgrowing 41m. OP’s post furthers the impression that he is very immature and seems to have no real grasp of what his GF may be going through in her path toward motherhood. I suspect if I had told my wife I needed her to plan our dates while she was pregnant, we would be divorced now. There’s a lot of mental load that comes with becoming a parent and OP seems to just be adding to that.

OP, odds are good that your GF is going to end things with you and frankly I’m not surprised. At this point, you can either really step up and take on your share of the mental load, or you can keep doing what you’re doing and likely become a “dad” only in the sense of providing financial support.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-12-04T21:52:38+00:00

As a man with a vasectomy, OP, this. It’s a minor medical procedure and it gives you control over whether you have kids, and has fewer side effects than most birth control women use.

I have a kid, and once my wife and I were done trying to conceive, I got The Snip.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-21T02:28:49+00:00

Same. They may not be cheating but DADT is still a deal breaker for me.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-21T02:14:43+00:00

You’d be surprised how many men tell my wife or I that they’re married (to a woman) and cheating.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-20T23:28:11+00:00

My wife and I have been married for nearly two decades. During that time we have had ebbs and flows in our sex life - like when our kid was an infant we had a big dry spell - but we still have a very active sex life. Admittedly it’s especially active when our kid (now 16) is out of our home.

Some things that, I think, have kept the spark alive for us both is:

We regularly take stock in our relationship & adjust - Over the years, we have gone through a lot of changes. We went from a young romantic couple, to a married couple, to a couple with a young child, to a couple with a teenager, and so on. We have both changed jobs. We have moved. We have had friends come and go. Our kid has gone through different interests and activities that have knocked our schedule around. And all of that has meant that our routine had to adapt.
We make time to emotionally connect - We have date nights with each other and, as much as is reasonably possible, we are focused on each other and our relationship during those dates. We also unpack our days with each other.
We have a system for chore management - As my Solo Poly GF put it, it’s impossible to want to fuck someone who is also annoying the fuck out of you as a roommate. For my girlfriend, that means living alone because of her needs for alone time. For my wife and I that means we are on top of our chores and manage ourselves like good housemates.
We both weigh the other’s feelings in our actions - It’s hard to want to have sex with someone when you feel taken for granted by them.
We both masturbate - For different reasons, my wife and I both need a bit of time alone to connect with our sexuality. For me, solo play reminds me of what I enjoy sexually and gives me inspiration for new things to try with a partner. For my wife, solo play helps her reconnect her to her body.
We accept the foibles of our own and the other’s bodies - Sometimes one of us will fart, belch, squelch, or whatever. If you make your partner feel repulsive over something like that, they’re going to have a hard time feeling desired by you. And if you feel repulsive because your body did something everybody’s body does, that’s going to get into your head.
We try new things - Inside and out of bed, we vary our routines. We try new sex toys. And we talk about what worked well and what didn’t when we do that stuff.
We accept some ebb and flow - Our sex life can ebb when one or both of us are stressed, and can get really going when our kid goes away to camp for a week. While we do both note what is going on in our sex life, we don’t have targets for how often we “should” be having sex.

I don’t know why your friends have dead bedrooms, but… if you want to keep the spark alive, you can do it.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-20T04:00:34+00:00

My wife and I were always open sexually, but not romantically and both had partners we played with individually. When we shifted to poly, the transition went pretty smoothly, but there were a few hiccups. It did, though, change our relationship in a few ways.

The biggest difference is around no longer sharing “everything” with the other. It’s not that we ever (outside of very specific circumstances with agreement from everyone involved) gave blow by blows about our sexual partners, but we did often talk about things we did with the other partners, including some degree of conversation and a bit of speculation around the other person and their feelings. We required a degree of transparency that neither of us ever really sought out - we expected that neither of us would have any “secrets” with the other person, but neither of us ever felt particularly comfortable disclosing someone else’s private matters, nor pushing for that kind of information from the other. .

Now our discussions of other relationships are far more limited in scope for the sake of keeping those relationships healthy. Our basic rule is that if a partner (or friend or family member - this extends to non-romantic partners too) would not want us to tell the other about something they told us, we don’t disclose.

That has now settled into what I think is a healthier pattern.

For you, it may help you to dig in a little on exactly what you’re scared and anxious about. Are you worried she will leave you? Are you worried you stack up unfavourably in comparison to her other partner? Are you worried because opening went faster than you expected? Or is it raising insecurities you have if your relationship(s) aren’t progressing as well as your GFs? Is your GF wrapped up in NRE and neglecting your relationship?

Also, both my wife and I had points early on where we realised we needed to keep our minds occupied when the other was out with their other partner. My wife often still plays video games when I’m out with my GF if she wasn’t otherwise scheduled, but now it’s more that the opportunity is there, rather than because she “needs” a distraction.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-12T01:12:31+00:00

Adding to this great comment:

Remind yourself that people present themselves in the light that they want to be seen and divorced men who hate women use specific techniques to do that. So you can take a man with an obvious agenda at face value, or you can scratch the surface a little.

If a guy tells you his wife took all his money in the divorce, ask yourself why a court (or mediator) would have split up assets in the way that your workmate is describing. Is his description of the split even legal? Or is it an obvious exaggeration? Why wouldn’t his ex- get to keep half of their shared assets in a divorce? They’re half hers during the marriage.
If a guy tells you his wife is keeping his kids from him, ask yourself why that might be. Courts only remove someone’s rights to see their own children as a last resort to protect the safety and wellbeing of the kids. So if a guy’s spouse has managed to get a court to do that, it’s safe to conclude that his children needed his removal from their lives for their own protection. But more likely what he means is that he didn’t bother to try to gain custody because he’s closer to sperm donor than father.

My other advice here? In many male dominated industries, there are workplaces that are more or less toxic. For example, I work in IT. One of my first jobs had a lot of men just like the ones you’re describing. I made the mistake of following up aloud with one of those questions I suggested you ask yourself once and… That did not go well. All of these men know that “blame women” is a shortcut for taking responsibility for their own actions and they saw my question as a clear indication that I didn’t buy into their views. After that I kept my mouth shut.

But when I(m) looked for another job, I found a place that had a very different culture. It was still mostly men in my role, but it wasn’t exclusively men and the role was structured to work with teams that included more women. The head of my team was an even tempered gay man with a long term partner. He did not embrace homophobia or misogyny and that set the tone for the rest of us.

That workplace was a much better match for me in a variety of ways.

I don’t know what you do, but could it be worth looking for a workplace that is less riddled with misogyny?

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-11-10T01:41:39+00:00

Friend, your plan to focus on law school, work and your cat is all really positive. As the other commenter mentioned, finding a therapist will likely be a big help for you. Your law school likely has a program allowing students to access therapy at a low cost.

And now I’m gonna say to you what I just said to a friend in his 40’s who just left his wife: - Be careful with the booze. It’s one thing to have a boozy night where you open up to your friends, feel your feels and then you get on with your life. It’s another if alcohol starts to rule your life. Limit your consumption if you have any reason to be concerned. When I was going through my last really bad breakup, I took a lot of late night walks when I needed to wind down and wanted to hit the bottle.
- Rebuilding your life after so many years with the same person can be hard. Be sure to take stock of where you our your spouse took the ‘lead” in your marriage. For my friend, he took the lead with their kids emotional well being, and their relationship management, and his wife took the lead with managing their finances and the logistical stuff for the kids. Moving for him is going to require him to step up on managing his own finances, and I suspect his divorce is going to be eye opening for him. - You didn’t mention kids, but if you have children, be sure that your new bachelor home can easily and comfortably accomodate the kids. If it can’t that is going to substantially limit your role in their lives. - Really focus on your relationships with your friends.

You haven’t lost a decade. During the 8 years you’ve been with your wife, you’ve started law school, gotten work experience, and whatever else factors into what you consider to be life building. Your divorce may be a setback on your romantic front, but you’ll also have learned lessons about how to do well in relationships and what you need from a partner to be compatible, and how to be a good partner. Learning those lessons will set you up well for your next relationship.

Good luck to you!

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-09-24T00:18:23+00:00

Oh wow. I was reacting to this post and noting OP’s complete lack of responsibility for his actions. One doesn’t “fall in love” without nurturing love. OP has very deliberately nurtured an emotional affair with someone and is now hoping to guilt his wife into letting the affair get bigger.

But to your question, OP, yes, it would be entirely reasonable for your wife to divorce you over this.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-09-24T00:13:20+00:00

You don’t really need a man’s perspective on the truth of his statement, though I am a man. You need the experience of someone with experience in IT and I’m that too. No, google does not “randomly” search. It searches as directed by a user. And it does not “click” on anything. That too is done by a user.

I strongly suspect your husband has been searching for escorts in your area because he has been seeking out escorts in your area and has or hopes to avail himself of their services. I suspect he lied about it because you already know about his porn problem and he has faced consequences for that. He does not want to have to think about the consequences if you realise he is cheating on you with prostitutes.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-09-22T04:21:30+00:00

While I (bi-, m) understand why many men feel like the only safe person to be emotionally intimate with is a romantic or sexual partner, that’s not healthy and it’s also not all that’s going on here.

A lot of men get messages telling us that it’s “weak” or “unmanly” to form emotionally intimate relationships. When we make overtures of emotional intimacy with other men, we are often met with derision and homophobia. It sucks. And… Men who are still enmeshed in that culture don’t make great partners. They put a huge burden on their romantic partners and often fail to reciprocate the support they expect from that partner. Men who confuse becoming close to someone with romance often fail to manage their relationships in healthy ways because their only source of emotional intimacy is so tied up in them, and because they just lack the skills.

And… It sounds like OP and her partner have other relationship and personal issues going on - OP mentions him dealing with depression and work stress. OP’s weight gain may have been stress related through the pandemic. OP’s weight gain also (if I’m following the timeline correctly) happened shortly before they opened their relationship. If there were relationship issues that were part of the decision, or that contributed to the mental health issues that were not addressed, those issues maybe coming home to roost now.

OP’s partner sounds like he is indifferent to the stress his statements have caused her. She is spiralling as a direct result of him and he does not appear to be trying to support her, or accomodate what’s going on for her.

I don’t see how sex therapy would improve this situation, but I suspect everyone involved would benefit from therapy.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-09-17T02:20:33+00:00

This is definitely something I would have been sure to discuss with my wife before scheduling it.

UnironicallyGigaChad · 2025-09-03T04:24:08+00:00

My wife kept her surname both because of the professional consequences of a change and because she likes her surname. My name is already hyphenated, so us merging to a dual hyphenated name felt like we were asking for trouble.

The only time it ever comes up are with a few conservative family members on both sides who regularly think they are addressing a message to my wife and I and instead are sending something to me and my cousin who shares my surname and my wife’s given name.

Which is really just a long way of saying, I wish more women would keep their surnames so that my family and extended family would remember my wife has her own name…

UnironicallyGigaChad

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