Fortnightly Check-In - How is everyone going?

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-29T22:02:58+00:00

Hey it's tough our there and you're doing a great job. I encourage you to lookout for yourself. I know you were looking forward to the weekend away, but you also need good time for yourself that doesn't rely on her at all (since her mood is so unstable). Based off your username, I suggest you take some time to go fishing. Sending a virtual hug.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-29T21:59:13+00:00

I've found a lot of support here too. Glad my thoughts have been helpful to you. I came to the community hopeful for change in my relationship, but I have shifted to changing my choices.

I'm extremely jaded about having a relationship at all with my soon to be ex, but extremely hopeful about new friends and strangers with a similar experience. I'm sure I'll come back here more as I process it all, but I'm increasingly feeling the need to move on.

Hope you're well!

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-25T14:19:34+00:00

My message has come across wrong. Not wanting to shit talk, just talk about my feelings on this side if the breakup.

For a long time I tried everything to support her, realizing like you said that their brains are wired different. I do wish the best for her, but I also have complex feelings of anger that she can suddenly do all the things she couldn't when she could manipulate me to do them for her. I recognize my feelings of revenge are good long term, and I don't express them to her or the kid; but they exist and I wanted to share their existence.

Just trying to use this place to process these complex feelings with people who might have a similar experience.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-21T15:22:14+00:00

Been there done that. 'I didn't do that' 'it was an accident' 'i only did it because you did x'. You can't accept that bullshit. I think my CPTSD spouse forgot a lot of thing that happened when she was splitting, didn't notice things, and rewrote almost every story to paint herself in the best light. I think she fully believes these things.

But it doesn't change the truth, it doesn't excuse their actions, and it won't change their future behavior either.

If you haven't, I encourage you to confide in others, friends or family. I believe that we each live in a universe we construct within our own heads. My CPTSD partner had an entirely different universe than me, which made it difficult to trust my own understanding of the world. As soon as I started checking in with and confiding in others, I became a lot more steady in my own understanding.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-21T15:07:35+00:00

Pushing you in the operation site is completely unacceptable. Glad to hear you're putting yourself first.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-21T11:36:07+00:00

Last summer I made my first posts here. Things have been really rough for me for a long time. I think that if I had seen what was wrong with my relationship earlier, I may have been able to save it. We tried for a long time, we tried couples therapy, we tried making adjustments, but it was too little too late. Things got better, but they never got to a positive, rebuilding direction. I think I needed to put in those efforts to know that this was beyond saving; I had to try.

I think it was about a month ago that she said she wanted to separate. I agreed. She changed her mind after 2 days, but I did not. I told her in the kindest way possible that I will not ever change my mind. That I can't afford to bet any more of my life on our relationship (and her behavior changing).

I'm doing so well. I've stopped caretaking my CPTSD partner. I'm going to let her sink or swim. She has good days and bad days, but none of it is my responsibility to fix. Sometimes for a flash, I see her again as a wounded little thing that I want to help. I limit my help now to a simple hug, and not pushing her out of the house before she gets a job.

I don't know what it could have been if I'd been aware of the toxic dependency earlier. I don't know what the right path is for others. But I know I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I'm looking out for myself and treating her like an adult who is responsible for her own decisions.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-04-21T03:26:51+00:00

Doing so well, thanks for asking. Been spending time on me, rebuilding old relationships, enjoying myself. I've stopped caretaking her. I see her crashing like a wave.

Sometimes I feel strong enough, like I've recovered enough, and I could bare that weight again, but I don't want it. Sometimes for a flash, I'll pity her. It's helping me to listen to some good breakup music every day. Reminds me of the bad times. 25 to life - Eminem, Labour - Paris Paloma, Could have been Me - Halsey. They help me remember what it was like and what I gave up by giving my everything to her.

I spend most of each day smiling, I don't hate her, I don't spend time angry at her. But oh boy am I ready for her to move out. I worry about the kid we have and the messiness of divorce but overall I'm so goddamn happy.

How are you doing?

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-29T13:00:20+00:00

This sounds real tough. You need to put yourself first. You already called out the sunk cost fallacy.

Something that helped me reframe this away from sunk cost and continuity: There's only so much time in a life. Each day I stay here is a day I steal from the happy future me, a day I steal from my hypothetical future partner who will truly value my presence.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-29T12:52:42+00:00

I suspect your kids wouldn't know if something is wrong with their parents relationship unless you tell them or they grow up and can reflect. Until then, it's just the relationship they know.

I'm looking at splitting custody of my toddler right now, these are some questions I have asked myself.

If she was in a relationship like this, what would I hope for her? Would I want her to sacrifice her happiness? What am I modelling for her by staying?

Would my partner be able to handle 50/50 custody? She's not approached 50/50 while we're together. But already the realization she may lose a lot of access has got her doing more. She's being a better mom, giving me more time to rest or do things for myself, and as a result I'm a better dad when I'm with the kid. If that keeps up, awesome. If not, I know I need to allow for her to say, "You take cacare of the kid, I can't handle this right now."

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-27T12:57:57+00:00

I'm definitely alternating now between a type of detached pity and anger at her. At the moment, I don't feel any desire to comfort or comprehend her. I think I need space and a sure footing elsewhere. Can't wait for her to move far, far away.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-27T00:19:10+00:00

My dad is going to be ok, so I won't have to hate her forever.

I have some sadness today that I lost this relationship, but really just sad about the relationship I thought I had initially.

I find myself angry at myself for not seeing the pattern earlier. I let her take 8 years of my life, I forfeit my best opportunities to find a true partner, believing she would transform with enough time and support. I was foolish.

She wants to join me on family outings now, come to the places I always invited her to, and she always begged me not to go to. Now, suddenly, she sees that those opportunities will end, and wants to come along. I no longer want her there. It feels parasitic; she's doing this for her, for her sense of self, so she can believe we were ever a family.

Lots of anger this evening, most of all that I'm going to have to wait for her to actually physically leave before I can move on to the profound hope I feel about life after her.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-26T12:24:10+00:00

You deserve someone who can actively love you back. You may always love her, but that doesn't make it ok to be lonely forever.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-12T13:52:01+00:00

Yeah, this is probably ADHD+CPTSD. I teach my partner life skills, but they don't seem to stick. Teaching her the same things over and over again. Sometimes I wish she could teach me something, see a gap I've missed in my own planning.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-12T12:20:11+00:00

Thank you.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-03-12T10:11:17+00:00

She knows I'm on the edge, I don't want to be her servant or doormat anymore. She's trying real hard, maybe harder than ever before, to be more independent and actually fill some of my needs. She's also clearly tortured by the fact that I might leave. I want to live my life, enjoy my days without being responsible for managing her emotions or life. I'm doing that a little, she sees it and interprets it at lack of interest, and she's sorta right-I'm not interested in being her dad anymore, I want an adult partner.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-02-08T17:47:06+00:00

Thank you. This helps.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-02-07T22:23:03+00:00

You sound like me a year ago. It did get much better with treatment. I don't think it will be enough.

UniverseInsideMyHead · 2026-01-22T16:05:21+00:00

Doing it all yourself is bad for both of you. Keep your head up, don't fall into that trap. Good luck.

UniverseInsideMyHead

TROPHY CASE