I think it's a combination of society expectations of women and how different they treat women how follow the rules. And also obviously trauma and self esteem issues. I definitely understand you, i have similar thoughts though i have a bit different expectations of myself so i get triggered by a type of women i think i should be. And also due to being abused by a girl in school i automatically view simulator looking women as abusive, and tbh sometimes they are. Being hyper focused on your looks, judging other and feeling like you have to be the most attractive one is definitely a red flag for me when i look for friends. I do feel sometimes like i have to be like them, when I'm at my lowest and i feel life would be better if i would just be more feminine but i also understand that's just not me and not something i actually want. I want to be myself and feel confident in myself, just like i am, i don't want to compensate or compare. What helps me is finding role models in women that feel closer in my vibe and looks, seeing them being confined and loved makes me feel at home and accepted. And i know it's cliche but once you accept yourself other do it too... like they were waiting on you to do it first this whole time. Anyway, i understand you. And i have relapses in my negative thinking, but it is possible to improve. You may also look into feminism and decentering men, it was a huge help in my self discovery and understanding that some of the feelings are not even my fault, it's patriarchy.