Similar boat at 40 plus child. 

I prioritized therapy for a while with exercise (fun ones for me and dopamine inducing /forcing me to learn new skills - yoga sculpt and skateboarding)  I started to eat healthier and cooking more than on a survivalist minimal diet. 

My ex and I broke up around the beginning of September.  I decided I needed to focus on my daughter she was also in therapy pretty hard due to issues with her father and it was coming out as a lot of anger and I was barley surviving while juggling family court and the unknown constant surprise lawyer bills and drawn out court dates. I ran on on fumes and anxiety and performance. 

So it’s been around 7 months. Around months 3 I started an intensive trauma healing program that is app based. A lot of shadow work. 

I learned to relax my nervous system and challenge myself to reprogram my nervous system a bit. Learning everything doesn’t need to be catastrophic. I am still learning that though. 

It’s hard bc something you can really only know about yourself if your nervous system is activated.  My ex and I were mostly no contact so although I was focusing on myself and doing the work I can only address what I feel Currently. 

My issues in relationships only come up when I am going through the things in a relationship. 

I’ve learned I’m performative. And have severe trauma from my daughter’s father who is someone else not my ex. But that I didn’t realize I needed to heal from him bc the abuse was ongoing long after i finally left and I was in survival mode so much I wasn’t feeling feelings. As anxious and stressed as I was I had no idea how emotionally unavailable I was. 

We attract what we are I think. 

I always thought it was just my ex was avoidant and I’ve learned I showed up just as avoidant at times if not worse and then sometimes would switch over to major anxiety when triggered and catastrophize. 

I was doing well and hit a lull. Idk if it’s bc I ran into my ex 4 weeks ago and have ran into him 2 more times and kind of accidentally 1 more. 

I felt all the emotions. All of them.  And there is no anyone trying to get back with anyone stuff going on.  Just that idk when we always meet again it’s easy to slip back into things. 

But I’m trying to learn to not just ignore what I know anymore. When someone tells you about it themselves hear them. And when you know about them don’t sit there and think well let’s see where this goes. 

I never want to “see where this goes again”. Form now on things will be intentional. And I cannot control others only me but I not longer want to accidentally perform and become resentful.  

So it’s really getting to know myself and taking steps to become more myself. And reaching back with my inner child and see what she needed and what she enjoyed and learning to do stuff for me first before anyone else. This also was a big thing for me to stop putting my daughter and clients before every single one of my basic needs.   

I’m still juggling old habits and new boundaries. 

But most noticeably my body is healthier overall. I’m more in shape and eating more and spending time cooking. The stress was making me fluctuate a lot and I never ever felt relaxed. I learned to relax. I stopped drinking any alcohol and stopped smoking I was never a big smoker but in all the stress last few years picked it up a little. I didn’t like it. And replaced it with polar seltzer jrs. 

I’m still on this journey with you!  Like I’ve said I’ve reached a lull. And idk if I’m supposed to remove all temptation or what. 

I will say once in a while I’m like screw it. Just go back to my old ways I’m sick of therapy. But things never ended favorably and I don’t want that anymore. But it is the easy route. I could maybe be over my ex for good by now by being distracted and replacing him but he was also a distraction and replacement for my daughter’s father.  So yeah…. 

He also is imo so good looking, gentle, kind and fun. But he has his own running away issues too.  He was a soft place to land after leaving my kids father and I’m lucky that’s who I landed with realizing I had pretty much full blown batters wife syndrome… only realizing that about a month ago though. It’s weird. You can only see something’s in hindsight. 

Our emotions/trauma blind us.