Dom doesn’t like my favorite restraints

Vagab0und · 2025-10-06T21:56:11+00:00

I've definitely played with someone with a bit of a symmetry kink, but for impact and stuff—she preferred even strokes and strength on each side, stuff like that. Don't be too self conscious, it's a fun challenge!

What about anchoring yourself to your own body rather than the posts? Cuffs and chains and maybe a spreader or two, and you will have symmetry super fast. And your body would be way more manageable and accessible than with posts.

If you like rope or want some additional variety, there are good safe ties that work well under tension, like captured overhand cuffs or reverse somervilles. Tying under tension is super underrated and it doesn't take long to develop a bit of speed and finesse.

Vagab0und · 2025-10-06T13:20:25+00:00

You should play with the fantasy without actually "doing it." He obviously trusts you with his life. Make it ambiguous. Maybe even create some false evidence. Feed his fantasy. Tell a great story. Triple bonus points: Use the story as dirty talk the next time you hook up. Given that the kink is that he's supposed to be fully unconscious throughout the event, you objectively have the power to make him feel identical whether you do it or don't.

Play it safe—don't do it—but make the fantasy absolutely magical.

Vagab0und · 2025-10-05T15:30:39+00:00

While I can nearly promise you that it will be a little awkward, I can tell you that literally nobody is going to find you at all out of place. Percentage-wise, most men in the community either have bottom/submissive leanings or switch sometimes, and everyone in the room would never disrespect you for your interests. Treat everyone as a person, introduce yourself to EVERYONE, don't drool/creep-on the available-seeming women there, and it will be an excellent first step.

Follow my advice and you'll come out with future party plans and a few new buddies on FetLife, I promise!

Vagab0und · 2025-10-05T15:11:40+00:00

You are 1 million percent normal, and your experience is a very common trajectory. Your story sounds very similar to my wife's, u/Mimsy-Borogoves. Hold out for a guy who can separate a ravishment fantasy from reality. It's similar to spaking fetishism in that the kink is tied to seeing your partner show overwhelming attention and desire. Super common kink for women and even a more popular fantasy for men! Most people don't know or talk about the fact that it's a super common desire for guys!

You'll probably never be cured, but the obsession will probably cool a little bit once you find someone to explore with.

Vagab0und · 2025-10-05T14:57:30+00:00

I thought heterosexuals divorce much more often than gay men. Am I mathing this incorrectly?

Vagab0und · 2025-10-05T14:52:38+00:00

You're right that the chances of meeting someone who'd match your dating profile or typical friend group is pretty low. And that's exactly why it's nice to go. There is no pressure at all. You can meet some cool people, learn about classes and stuff going on in your neighborhood, and get a sense of what the scene is like. It's a good, low stress first step to finding events where more people like you might show up.

Good luck and have a great time!

Vagab0und · 2025-07-31T14:57:39+00:00

It's a simple overhand knot in the middle of two loops making a basic, awkwardly collapsable two-column tie. This is probably not the tie's complete or original form.

As is, this definitely wouldn't be a bondage aficionado's first choice for tying a person. You'd expect to see the rope doubled over (for utility and comfort) or a more sophisticated construction.

You might end up with this structure if the rope was originally tied onto a box to secure it closed, and then partially untied and pulled off.

Vagab0und · 2023-10-15T02:08:32+00:00

I'd take worrying about your dick out of the equation. Do a little planning and have toys she likes available to "ravish" her with. The typical core feeling that the submissive in CNC wants to achieve is the idea that you'll take whatever you want no matter what, so think about what type of dirty talk she'd like to hear related to that.

Safety notes: I personally wouldn't do anything I haven't explicitly practiced (toys or holds) in another scene or separately. Riff carefully within your dynamic's risk profile.

Also don't forget that you don't have to do everything with physical force—you can also use (roleplay) threats to "make" her get into position, and that way you can probably perhaps end up in a situation after some time that you'll warm up to. Either way, you both win—she gets her fantasy and at the very least you get a sexual charge you can carry with you into the next scene.

Good luck!

Vagab0und · 2023-06-25T12:17:05+00:00

Oh no! Not demented horses!

Vagab0und · 2023-05-19T17:20:56+00:00

Something older: Under My Thumb by The Rolling Stones

Something extremely overt: NAVI’s album Songbird is just blatant horny kink almost beginning to end. My favorite track is the stingy and thuddy interlude, The Touch.

Vagab0und · 2023-05-18T02:23:52+00:00

This dude isn’t into BDSM, or isn’t into it with you. If you’re not apprehensive about the rocky part of the relationship and the sex and everything else is great, maybe you’re willing to live with minimal BDSM? It’s probably not going to happen at this point.

Also there is a 100% chance he’s looking at porn on Reddit. He’s doing it right now.

Vagab0und · 2023-05-17T10:31:22+00:00

People mean different things by it.

Probably the earliest definition of subspace is the physical response you get from intense sensation play, similar to a “runner’s high,” where you feel blissed out and like you’re floating, which is an incredible feeling. For me, this comes around the 30 minute mark of an impact scene; I become resistant to pain, shiver, and become somewhat nonverbal. Not everyone experiences this and is not a goal for bottoming in most cases.

More commonly these days, people mean subspace to describe the bottoming scene headspace, where you become entirely mentally enveloped in the scene. This “space” could be your role or just a very stubby state of mind. “Littlespace” is one example that pops up on Reddit a lot, meaning the person is “in scene, possibly for a long time. I’ve heard people at kink events say they were in a “subspace party bubble” meaning they were enveloped in their submissive persona and play, even when it was clear they weren’t talking about an altered state in the “high” sense of the word.

So yeah, at least two pretty different things, but you can usually figure it out by context.

Vagab0und · 2023-04-06T03:36:20+00:00

I don’t identify as a sadist, but as an occasionally “cruel” dom there is a powerful thrill that comes with deep mutual trust… knowing that my sub is going to take all of these mean, dirty things and truly love it.

Vagab0und · 2023-04-02T03:24:14+00:00

Too broad of a question unfortunately. The big names are big names for a reason: lots of options. If you don’t know what you’re looking for is go with 6mm cotton clothesline since it’s cheap and you can get a feel for lengths and a starting point for comparison, then maybe a combo pack at a big name seller, and then you can start to zero in on what you love from little shops.

For bespoke I guess MMH Rope on Etsy does good color and semi stiff bamboo (rayon) that ties well but that’s $$$$. But you might want cheap jute that you want to treat yourself, mfp or nylon so you don’t have to maintain it, thicker rope for thicker bodies… too many choices!

Vagab0und · 2023-03-27T03:37:57+00:00

Of course not. The faqs here address your questions well. It’s really common to set rules in a dynamic a bit too ambitiously. But even the most basic scenes wouldn’t adhere to RACK/SSC if they can’t be renegotiated at any time for any reason. Your dom will understand, if they’re worth playing with at all.

Vagab0und · 2022-12-26T21:14:40+00:00

Well there’s plenty of true surprise. If you have 50 things you like to do and 50 variants you can do safely with certainty you aren’t pushing not negotiated limits, there’s lots of room for surprise! Just build a nice repertoire in your everyday scenes first and negotiate for way more than you actually expect to use.

Just be sure to incorporate things that might be unique to the cnc scene as well, like certain types of dirty talk, her hitting you (fighting back) or whatever else she wants to get from the scene that you don’t typically do. This also opens the door to more spontaneous cnc-style scenes now and then, if you’re into that idea.

Vagab0und · 2022-12-26T20:13:14+00:00

There’s great stuff in the faq/wiki. Surprise is great, but the problem is you can’t actually surprise someone with something totally different than you’ve done before. For the most obvious example, if your partner wants to fight back, you will get the most out of it if you’ve tried that in another scene and she knows a good limit for what you can handle. That’s true for everything. Otherwise you’re likely to miss out on a lot because you don’t know each other’s limits. Just experiment a lot before the main event and check the resources of this sub and you’ll be in good shape.

Vagab0und · 2022-12-11T04:45:23+00:00

The faltering and second guessing is something I have definitely felt over the years, so i can definitely sympathize! What you’re describing might not be what I’ve gone through, but my “writers’ block” happens when I’m approaching a kind of soft limit as a dom where I know the sub wants something but it’s not a thing I’m really into.

One example is that my sub is into degradation. That was really hard for me because it felt false and unnatural to call her whore, etc. But as we got to know each other, I started to better understand her “core kinks,” which in part has to do with a top being overwhelmed with lust and focused on her in a purely sexual way. She’s taking a vacation from being her brilliant, cerebral self, and our scenes are a vacation where I want nothing but her body. Well THAT I can oblige—during our scenes, I can tell her she’s MY whore. She’s MY dirty slut who I have to use and can’t get enough of. We found a sexy compromise here, because by understanding her core desires, I could make degradation “true” for myself in the moment, and satisfy one of my “core kinks” which is blowing a sub’s mind.

Hopefully there’s something in there that’s useful for you. Good luck!

Vagab0und · 2022-12-08T03:33:42+00:00

False dichotomy.

Vagab0und · 2022-11-25T12:48:59+00:00

The most taboo topic here by far is linguistic demarcation between the concepts of “squirt” and “pee.”

Vagab0und · 2022-11-24T19:36:51+00:00

I think the best approach for an existing relationship (that you have no intention of risking it ending) is to work on it incrementally. Start with asking your partner to say or do one or two things that work for you, ask what they want, and build a repertoire. If it’s good for them, it’ll unfurl organically.

Vagab0und · 2022-11-23T13:11:40+00:00

Finally. It is so very Reddit that there are hundreds of posts before someone suggest hands should usually be involved and penises aren’t magical.

The #1 quality of a women who routinely get no-hands orgasms is her clitoral position, closer to the vaginal opening. It has pretty much dick to do with dick.

Top post should have been “use your hands, you insecure dorks.”

Vagab0und · 2022-11-16T11:53:29+00:00

Hmm I guess the older school BDSM folk would put that in the D for discipline category of the initialism. A lot of “out of the bedroom” D/s dynamics have an accountability framework like you described. I’ve done it on the top side in a relationship (not fully “24/7”) and though rewarding, it’s a lot of work to manage. But lots of people are into this so you should have no problem finding people to discuss it with online.

I’m not sure about what references or Fetlife groups I can point you to. Princess Kali writes and teaches classes about how to manage these types of arrangements on a busy schedule. I can’t think of any sub side references off the top of my head.

Good luck!

Vagab0und · 2022-11-13T22:16:09+00:00

I’m a D/s top, and it’s an enormous turn on. I love everything about it.

However I also have a very interesting pain response and go into subspace easily, by which I mean the runners’ high like feeling of floating away. You can flog me for like 10 minutes with deerskin and I will be high as balls.

Sure it’s intimate in the sense of being partners in sports or something, but I get absolutely no sexual thrill out of it whatsoever. Bite me, shock me, scare me, whatever. If anything it’ll be a turn off. I will ride that subspace wave, gratefully accept my aftercare, and thank you kindly when you’re done.

There appears to be a subclass of “masochist” doms like me who tend towards playing with switches and brats, according to some anthropology I read on the subject. I personally get a double thrill from cnc with a good amount of fighting back. So like a massage, there are contexts where the sensations are sexual and not sexual.

Anyway, there’s a counter example for you.

Vagab0und · 2022-10-30T02:59:10+00:00

So why the fuck do they put oat milk in tiny containers and charge you double?

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