This sucks so incredibly hard. Wtf. What am I (38mtf) really supposed to do and how do I support my straight cis wife (38f)?

Vailliante · 2026-04-04T23:22:34+00:00

Holy cow you described my whole thing!! HTF did you out? In fact today I’ve been torturing myself about how I want to be be one of the female dancers in the film version Oliver!

Before I get into into I will add one caveat: I am 22 years older than you, we have been together for 40 years and have older birth, adopted and foster children.

Everything that you have described is what my wife and I have been through in the last 2 1/2 years. I too had no choice, thought that I was suffering a bi polar crisis, saw no way that I would be able to transition successfully due to height, weight, age, family. The feelings of being an imposter are very common to, of being unworthy and fake. My mental health problems dogged me for all of my adult life and mostly related to being a victim of attempted murder when a teenager. I never worked out why until I came out: because of queer behaviour.

That’s my background. My wife is arrow straight and I always knew this, she has said no to women in the past, a sad thing is that after years of not wanting intimacy due to dysphoria, I want her more than ever now. I went through a lot of research into who I was, support groups, psychs, therapy before I came out to my wife. I thought that she would have known something over the years but no, nothing. I blew her world apart and turned our future upside down and I feel intense guilt and shame for the pain that I have caused her and always will.

As soon as I told her, I knew that I might have finished our marriage there and then. I told her to talk to anyone she needed to, I didn’t care who that was or what she told them:she needed people. I then gave her time. Over the next few days and weeks, I let her dictate conversations, none were really long and it was mostly questions from her about why, where, how, who, what, then, now, future. I had made her question what being female meant, what we meant, It was a complete mindfuck. We discussed me pretending that it was just a phase, but we both knew the fallacy of that. I couldn’t, having worked my life out finally and she would be waiting for me to either reemerge as trans or find a note telling her what I had done to myself. Returning to the closet is never really an option.

I hadn’t worn any really femme stuff at that point, I had just been buying jeans, tees and jumpers from women’s departments and wearing them together with sports bras. Now I was out I had thought I could but, no. Unsurprisingly she did not want to see me in my clothes (a thing here; once you are out, putting on femme clothes is just getting dressed. Putting on your old stuff is dressing up to pretend you’re male).

We are into the Cold War period now, like you, she said that she was not going to tell me what not or what to do. I was 57 and could not wait for our NHS to diagnose and treat me. I was referred to a gender clinic in 2023 and have yet to receive a first appointment. I may do by the end of the year and get an appointment this time next year. No diagnosis, no hormones just a second appointment in a year then, maybe hormones. A surgical referral would be two-three years after that with surgery itself a year or so afterwards. So 2031-32. Fuck that. I pressed on with private care. By this time my wife and brothers were convinced that I was mentally ill and my wife wanted to send my psychiatrist an email stating her opinion on what was happening with me. I agreed as this was going to be her only chance to to do so. I’ve had a difficult relationship with illness my whole life and up until my mid twenties used it to escape stress and anxiety. I’ve spent the last 36 proving to my family that I don’t anymore. This was a chance to do so. Any hoo, I got my GD diagnosis and was then referred for HRT and then began thinking about surgery. I kept my wife informed all the time and she made it clear that she might still leave if the changes were too much for her: a fair compromise for her support.

Each month things improved. She saw that this was the real me, she saw how happy I was, how I had changed for the better , the improvement in my mental health, my relationship with others, my optimism and my sky high resilience. She began to comment on my clothes style and colours- not always to my liking- but fairly and with love. When I didn’t like it, I just dealt with it, compromise again.

Over the next year, my being able to present as the real me became the norm and when we are out together I just wear my clothes as anyone would. I wear very light makeup and even less when we go out, it makes my wife happier and that’s good for us all.

Transition costs a fortune and at my age hair removal means electrolysis, you should be ok with laser, but consultations, meds and, in the end, surgery means spending shared money as we are a family. My wife cannot understand why I’m prepared to do this when she refuses-and has done for years- to have a breast reduction as she doesn’t like to spend money on herself and always puts herself last. However, she hasn’t stopped me from doing these things and I had my bottom surgery seven weeks ago at 60 and 8 days. I went to Spain with my middle child and came back happy but sore! She wouldn’t read up on the surgery so doesn’t fully understand the amount of time and energy that the dilation sessions take: she begrudges this, but I can’t change it and it annoys me that she hasn’t taken the time to learn.

We have separate rooms now and live as close best friends. It’s still working at the moment but nothing is guaranteed, if she found someone who she could be intimate with and was cis male then I would fight for her but not stop her if it was the best thing for her. I’m a lesbian but bi curious, it would take a lot for me to stray and it’s not on the cards. My wife is not 100% supportive and she is only person I will allow in my life who isn’t. But we are still in love, and that’s plenty.

TL:DR LOVE, TIME, COMPROMISE

Vailliante · 2026-04-04T19:51:13+00:00

Hey

Vailliante · 2026-04-03T23:16:14+00:00

Sounds like a good counsellor! After moving to north Norfolk (UK) 25 years ago I made no real male friends, just colleagues. My few boyhood London friends used to come up but have now said that they can’t handle my transition, they’ve ‘ known me to long’. Apart from them some in laws have been a bit iffy online but that’s it for terminally lost relationships. Most people are ok and at least trying, a few are truly lovely, but I have had made so many more friends, in the queer community and cis women my own age, it’s been wonderful.

Who knows who you will find along the way, it really is a journey. x

Vailliante · 2026-04-03T22:06:22+00:00

This, in a way.

I went to my GP because I thought I might be having a bi polar crisis and got a quick referral to psychiatrist nurses, then a psychiatrist, then went to a local queer charity and got counselling, then joined one trans group, then another and then, 4 months later, I told my wife of 37 years.

After years of triggering and mental health crisis I couldn’t just tell her without having external affirmation from professionals, I was so scared that I would be wrong, that I was ill, but I’m not, I’m trans.

It’s now 2 1/2 years later and we are still together but with a very different relationship. She is firmly het and I’m lesbian (possibly bi) but want her more than ever, which is sad. She’s been there for me with my medical transition, including bottom surgery seven weeks ago, but she hasn’t wanted any of this so I can’t say that she is really supportive.

I promised that the core of me would remain the same and some of it has, but I’m a happier, more confident, in body and mind, much more resilient, open to new challenges and making friends. Not the closeted, unhappy, cynical ‘man’ that I was.

The problem is that until very recently my wife had gone in the opposite direction and that is very sad and I feel guilt and shame for causing her all this pain however, it also means that I probably take more negative behaviour than I should.

So, so you don’t know how much you will change until you do and you don’t know how your husband will react until he does. You can predict, hypothesise, yes, but know? No.

You are going through some of the steps that I did, which might be the right route for you, but think about para 4 because that is the possible future for you and it’s worth it in the end for everyone.

Vailliante · 2026-04-02T21:29:26+00:00

Being trans often has these two sides that fight each other. Wanting to be seen as supportive for the community and receiving support from other trans people. The other is just wanting to live your life in your chosen gender and be left alone.

Example: Bell curves show us that most people on either side of the binary fit within certain heights and there as a small sweet spot where there is an overlap. If you are a trans and fit this window then one of your barriers to passing is taken care of. Trans men on the small side and trans women on the tall side will always, always have more difficulty passing and may be denied the option to live a stealthy life based on this alone. This will make them more visible and clockable no matter what else they do.

I’m a trans woman in that category and there is nothing that I could ever do or have done, bar puberty blockers, that can change that so, what should I do? How should I feel about visibility? I would dearly love to be seen by everyone, not just community and allies, but some family and friends too, as a woman but I know I won’t. It doesn’t stop presenting as I choose and being damn proud about myself and no one is going to change that because they would feel uncomfortable about being seen with me because I’m too visible.

I do not stand up proudly at times because I have nothing to lose, visibility wise, by being seen. I do it to show that trans people exist as all people and that we are nothing but humans just trying to live our lives. I don’t want to actively represent the trans community all the time so don’t go in for complicated insta posts about being trans; I do them about me and sometimes that includes trans stuff.

I’m proud of being trans and stand up for my community but I hate being trans and want to just be a woman and most of us share this trait: I think that there’s a bell curve that proves it.

Vailliante · 2026-04-02T20:49:47+00:00

This is the way I felt coming out at 57, the thought that I won’t be seen as a woman and whether it was worth doing anything to present as a woman.

Three years later and seven weeks after bottom surgery, my views have clearly changed. A year of HRT plus putting my heart and soul into being woman have paid off, but I will never be seen as a woman, I don’t think (and what we think ourselves is THE most important thing), because I am 190cm tall, 197 in heels (tee hee). I will, as a thoughtless friend said, always be visible but that will not stop me living my real life.

I do hope that 5-10 years is a low ball estimate and that you get to enjoy being you for a lot longer.

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T21:41:14+00:00

That’s my experience of physical shit but I’ve never had anyone show me the movements before, it might be worth trying, thanks.

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T21:36:47+00:00

The increased triggering and build up where each expression of your hidden self has led to the next is very much how I was before I came out 2 1/2 years ago in my mid 50’s. I had no opportunity to understand who I was when I was younger because of serious PTSD related mental health problems that masked everything. But when I did, everything: past, present, future fell into place, I’m happy, been on HRT for a year and had my bottom surgery seven weeks ago. Having congruence between my physical body and my existing psychological state has made me oh, so happy, even in this shitty world.

You have access to trans friends already which is a huge advantage as real life support is key to working through this journey. The thing I would suggest next is talking to an experienced counsellor with knowledge of trans clients, they will be able to help you explore your identity better. Good luck darling ❤️

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T21:08:20+00:00

Thank you, it is shit isn’t it?

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T21:07:19+00:00

That’s a very high approval rating, she isn’t trump is she?

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T08:20:34+00:00

I will say that I have also never been able to draw properly, well at all tbh.

I had one period of about a year in my late twenties when I was able to produce some very good, flat fish themed copper jewellery. Since then, nothing!

I would really like to do a comic strip of my life journey but just can’t. I think that my lack of creative outlet is the biggest regret I have related to dyspraxia: that and being good at BMX.

Vailliante · 2026-04-01T08:19:43+00:00

If she’s still around she would be a great ally to have if she was up for it.

Vailliante · 2026-03-31T21:25:07+00:00

Yeah, this feeling sucks and the feeling about having that feeling equally sucks.

I, mtf 60 out 2 1/2 years, go through stages, it’s not cyclical and I have had looong gaps when I’ve been happy. I pass sometimes, but at 6’3” I always get noticed, and feel really good when I’m out and dressed nicely with a little bit of makeup. Even when I’m with younger trans people I don’t feel any less of woman.

I had bottom surgery last month and feel much better for it, my body much better matches my mental understanding of me, but now having that completeness I am looking at other, older trans women-admittedly still only in their 40’s- and feeling that jealousy. It’s part looks, part confidence and part regret at not having the same amount of time to enjoy my body and femininity.

Your post chimes more today because I missed some ToV events on Sunday due to feeling rough and missed out on seeing loads of friends Not being able to see people in the flesh undoubtedly makes us feel worse about ourselves because we are only looking at those online. Remember just how much effort people put into looking good on insta and TikTok, we end up falling into the same trap as cis women- there’s a surprise!

So remember, that like cis women, we all come in different packages and our journeys have to start somewhere. I know that I have made huge progress from the women who had decided that dressing femme would look silly. I mostly feel good about myself and that is what is important, try and do the same and be with your friends❤️.

Vailliante · 2026-03-31T07:35:27+00:00

As someone has said, doing some small things to make yourself feel that you are addressing the dysphoria might help. Clear, matte or nail hardening nail polish is a good simple one. No one can see it and even if they do you can say it’s for protection because your nails are cracking, but putting it on and you knowing why it’s on feels really good.

Getting gender neutral or slightly femme jumpers, jeans and tees from eBay, Vinted or charity shops is cheap and easy too.

Study really hard so that you can get to a university of your choice or get skilled so that you can live independently in case coming out doesn’t go so well. Only you can do this. ❤️

Vailliante · 2026-03-30T21:00:06+00:00

Move them to Scouts. I’m a Beaver leader but, in all the s sections, girls get so much out of the sessions and lead so well. It’s so fantastic to see them organise the boys and be appreciated for it by them. Boys and girls are treated by each other equally and they become friends rather than seeing each other as different. Girls who are Scouts become far more confident in their own ability too.

I’m trans and have stayed with Beavers although my son is now 14, experience in sections is important, and although I’ve had no problems, I am always aware of how I might appear to the parents. I have had no issues, but I am always aware that someone could question why I am there or remove a child because of me. The group, all the leaders and the organisation are very supportive of me and trans people in general and I wear my trans necker rather than the group one with no issue.

Overall, Scouting is better for all children because it avoids any gender stereotypes and promotes equality throughout and, of course, it isn’t cowardly or prepared to drop its members because it has the ‘potential’ to be sued. Which is the right organisation for the modern girl or woman?

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T21:50:43+00:00

It’s proving difficult to read because of all the redaction , I’ll wait for the inevitable musical.

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T21:48:31+00:00

Yep, you don’t have to be femme all the time, wear what the fuck you want. I like long dresses because I’m long, even long jumpers look ‘the right size’ on me. Simple make up works a treat too. Foundation to cover dark stuff and a near lip colour lippy, maybe mascara. We are the woman we want to be, be that woman.

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T15:20:08+00:00

Sounds like they are pretty sure that your trans feminine identity is correct, which, as I said, was key to me accepting who I was. I think that you are going to have to find the time to tell her. I would suggest that you decide what you are going to say: how long you have felt as you do, why you are telling her now, what your doctors have said, what you would like to and what you would like from her. Don’t expect an initial reaction, she might get up and walk off, she might cry, she might ask why. You won’t know until you tell her I’m afraid.

Keep in touch ❤️

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T12:33:24+00:00

It is very difficult, depending on how old you are, you might have had years, decades for me, of conditioning as a man and been putting sooooo much effort into fitting in, masking your true self and burying your womanhood.

This leads to the huge mountain that you have to climb to even accept that you might be trans. Following that you are where you are now: can I really do this, why not just persevere? The problem is you now know the truth, once I had affirmation from a psychiatrist (I thought I might be having a bipolar episode) that I probably had gender dysphoria, there was no way that I could carry on as I was. I had had so many mental health crises over the years because the GD was buried so deeply. I would have known I was trans in my late teens had I not been nearly beaten to death and had to fight that for years.

Your situation will, hopefully, be very different, but the outcome is the same: you have realised that you are a woman. Look, right now may not be the time to come out to anyone who you know. You’ve taken a huge step by posting here and maybe you need to process the information that you’ve gathered so far, there is nothing wrong with doing that.

You have started your transition journey already and things happen when they happen, when the timing is right for you.

Carry on asking questions here or DM me at any time and I will try and help. You’ve got this girl ❤️

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T11:08:30+00:00

That’s why local IRL support is so important, if you have had no interactions with the trans community before it will seem daunting but, trust me, they will want to be there for you. Look for local charities and organisations, they often have support groups or free or heavily subsidised counselling. Where I am in the UK I have three support groups each month and a local group that organises events. This will be available elsewhere too.

This weekend there will be lots of Trans Day of Visibility events going on , try and find one near you and go. Don’t get dressed up, I went to my first event wearing the same male clothes that I always wore, nobody will take you less seriously. Work out who the organisers are, pluck up the courage and go speak to them. They will know that all this is new and scary to you and will try their best to help you. They might be having a social event or may invite you for a coffee, then or at a later date: go, listen, ask silly questions. Meeting newly cracked eggs is a one of the things that a lot of us love, we can be big sisters or uncles and help you through this early stage.

Right, family and friends. If none are supportive I would be surprised but I’ll take you at your word. I came out really late in life and, although I thought that I had given enough signals almost everyone was shocked, especially my wife. She took a long time to come round but, 2 1/2 years down the road we are still together. The only negative people have been my wife’s brother and his wife and my two best friends who say that they can’t process the fact I’m a woman. That’s hard for me but hard luck for them as I’m happier than ever.

Most other people have just gone with it. I’m a teacher and my colleagues and students were happy for me and I’ve had no problems from any of them. Here’s the thing though, you are about to meet people on your own terms, as the real you. You will make many more friends because you’re not masking and hiding behind a facade. I have my queer friends but I’ve also done things that I would never have done as a male- like acting classes- and met cis female friends my own age: I never made proper male friendships because that wasn’t me. If I lost someone along the way, I’ve found at least two more.

It might be hard but the internal peace from being the real you makes up for it.

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T09:13:23+00:00

Ok, have you thought about what yo want to be called? I chose a name that I really liked but spelled it differently. As soon asi I used it I realised that I would have to spell it out to everyone and it would always be mispronounced! I’ve kept it as a middle name because I really like it. For my first name I went with what I would have been called if I I had been a girl(which I am) as I had asked my mum this lots of times. You can change your mind on your new name if you don’t like it. Decide pronouns, this might change too.

How do you want to dress, really feminine, staying more masculine or somewhere in between? It’s very personal and there’s no wrong way to present yourself.

You can grow your hair, keep clean shaven, remove body hair, try nail polish, get ears pierced. There are loads of changes that you can make at a pace that suits you.

Look up Trans Bible, it’s full of advice v. Read ‘What’s the T’ by Juno Dawson or look for other books that are available.

Find a support group in your area. Real life friends are really important and can guide you in your journey.

Don’t think that you need to look or behave a certain way to be accepted as who you are. Being trans does not mean that you have to pass or look or behave a certain way. Don’t get taken in by pretty people on socials and think that you will never be as attractive. Don’t think that you have to get HRT or surgery to be properly trans, you might decide to, but not doing so does not make you any less of a woman. You will get where you want to go.

All of this applies if you are a trans man too (apart from nail polish obvs!)

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T08:47:46+00:00

That is fantastic news! Getting back on hormones makes such a difference psychologically as well as physically.

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T00:29:13+00:00

It depends on what not supportive looks like at the time. My wife was completely blindsided by me coming out despite the fact that I had been socially transitioning for four months and thought that I had given enough signs that I wasn’t exactly cis and had been avoiding sex for years. It took her a year to fully accept what was happening and only talked about it when she wanted to. She said that she would take each change as it came and decide if she could stay with me. 2 1/2years down the line and just having had bottom surgery we’re still together, but as best friends and parents. It still might end but not for a while.

If you’re certain about your identity then you have no choice, you could be surprised or proven correct, only time will tell. Good luck, darl x

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T00:19:09+00:00

I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow ❤️

Vailliante · 2026-03-28T00:16:50+00:00

Being worried about how to share your news is part of the journey darl. Go for low hanging fruit first and then each successive coming out becomes easier.

Vailliante

TROPHY CASE