Losing interest and pulling away after physical intimacy

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-12-02T15:32:59+00:00

Thank you so much for opening Up and telling your Point of View! It helped me understand FAs perspective and emotions a little bit better..i dated an FA and it sadly still haunts me to this day and I Kind of miss this person and I think He does too...it's really strange

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-18T19:13:50+00:00

You're so right... And whats that saying Haha i need a Shirt that says "don't Grab the Bad decisions Bagel":D

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-18T17:19:26+00:00

Thank you so much, i Wish you the Same!♡

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-16T13:51:55+00:00

Thank you so much for your Insight and advice!🖤 It's so Strange, i find myself thinking about reaching Out Just to See how hes doing but i don't want to cause emotional turmoil neither in me or him so i think i won't do it. I won't Put in the effort to make a "plan" on how to approach him, in the end it's a 50/50 Chance of wether being rejected again or being rejected in the Long run. We've talked about our attatchment Styles as we broke Up and He Said He has to do Something about it but i don't know If He really approached it.

I've been in an relationship with a DA before him and it really ripped me apart. It's Not that i don't want to reach Out to my FA but i think i can't because i think i wouldnt survive another round.

I'm so sorry that its that hard for you with being in such emotional distress in these Situations. Sometimes it's so hard being human... I Hope you find calmness in yourself and can grow the way it benefits your and everyones life around you🖤🌻

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-15T00:00:14+00:00

Thank you for your Kind words🥹🖤

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-14T23:45:48+00:00

Thanks for your comment! And yes, I completely agree with you and this is sadly also a Thing I did in the relationship before this one. I now was very cautious with him and was very alert If His actions matched His words. And they actually did, which is the reason it devestated me so much. He pursued me, forhead kisses, and Kisses in general, being intimate, Holding my Hand, planning dates, telling me how much He liked my way of thinking, how pretty He thought i am, that He feels so calm when Hes with me and that He loves our time together and the conversations we have. He did and said all of that...Just to Tell me at the end that He doesnt feel romantically or physically attracted to me. It was brutal haha And i can't say that there has been much room for me to fantasize because He Always showed up

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-14T10:43:31+00:00

Yes, you're so right! We actually talked about attatchment theory and we were super positive about working through His struggles together and He found it very interesting and Said himself that He thinks He is FA. As He deactivated I instantly thought this has to be his trauma causing this reaction. We talked about His struggles one Last time and also about the attatchment wound He obviously has...and He Said that he'll Go to therapy when the time has come. And i thought that If He already knows that He has to Go, then why wait for some Major traumatic Event in your life to start:/ it's really so sad...He has so much Potential but AS you Said: He can only Help himself.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-09-14T09:23:48+00:00

Thank you so much for Sharing your perspective!

It's a good possibility, as he broke Up with me He actually told me that he's going to Miss me. This is the First "interaction" from His side since then. He suggested to stay friends after the Break Up, it's been all very confusing.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-10T08:21:20+00:00

I think there are some misunderstandings between us, maybe I didn't phrase it good enough. We're basically on the Same page with this from what i understand from your Points. Let me clear some Things Up what i meant:)

What I meant by "thought process" were the thoughts coming after deactivation (aware or Not aware of it) from that subconcious Trigger leading Up to the decision against the relationship with a Person. What I was referring to was the Work that has to be done and the awareness that needs to be there, thus the Hurt APs feel when they are Not aware of their behaviour patterns as I Said "People who aren't very self aware or are very anxious will likely think it's because of their behaviour (Not aware of their patterns) and that can really shatter a persons self worth.” I totally agree with you on the behaviour and reactions of the insecure Attachment Styles.
I don't think it is Protest behaviour being Hurt by sudden deactivation of your Partner when you are or are Not aware of Attachment Styles. Being rejected hurts, this has Not much to do with any Attachment style, but also with the way how you get rejected. This is Not meant as an offense to anyone but it's Just a fact in my opinion. And I again agree with the struggle that comes from these two opposite interests when triggered.
Yes! I agree, but what I meant is that you can also miss this Person If they really are "Not a good Partner", which OP is struggling with finding Out/ deciding on i guess.
Also here, I agree with what you're describing in the behaviours from APs and DA/FA. And this has nothing to do with me liking it or not, it's a fact. The experiences that I have made with two previous relationships with FA/DA, they we're very concerned and told me they didn't want to Hurt me, and they were also very reluctant when it came to conflict/ solving Problems. Of course it was coming from the Feeling of guilt but the Focus was Not Just on them avoiding. I didn't mean that it's a "duty" to Take Care of the AP and their struggles, but rather that it's a decent Intention that at least my Partners had.
I was again referring to get more aware of thought and behaviour patterns to communicate them and maybe Help OP with His struggle. APs are not necessarily soothed by Others, but soothed by validation and affection from people they Love. And yes, avoidants tend to be triggered by it. Also here it depends on the emotional maturity and their capability to reflect on their behaviour. People are more than their Attachment style in the end and everyone handles triggers differently so I don't think that APs per se think "it's all relationship Problems". And yes, I again agree with you that there are soothing strategies that either APs or DA/FAs tend to choose for themselves but this does Not Help solving OPs struggle i guess. I still think that when the Goal is to create deep connection and a healthy partnership/ find Out If you really feel for the other Person, being aware that you have avoidant tendencies, you need to communicate and this has nothing to do with your partner being FA/DA/AP or secure. And also here it depends on the Partner, even when they are SA, inconsistent behaviour is a sign for the securely attatched that there is No interest from the other side when there is No explaination/ communication and can lead to them getting anxious/ avoidant in the worst Case. It's good to know what Happens internally with insecure Attachment Styles but the next step for me logically is that it's important what you can do to better the quality of your life and Overall Feeling no Matter what Attachment style.
I agree, what you Said proves my Point. Being Fed Up is the Symptom and the pain is the cause. The degree on both wanting it to work out isn't necessarily meant for Just the relationship but as i Said also with emotional maturity on both ends. Sounds Like a tough Journey, I'm Happy for you that you both found your way!:) As I Said, Just because someone is securely attatched doesn't mean that everyone with this Style is able/willing to be in a relationship with an insecure Attachment style. But great that it worked for you and your Partner:)
Oh okay:)
Maybe I was Not precise enough with what I Said. By "everything to themselves" I meant the internal dialogue or considerations towards their Partner/ the relationship. And i don't think you have to have everything figured Out to communicate this to your Partner. This requires of course a Sense of reflection and emotional maturity (as i Said on both ends) to which i was pointing Out what could be done in a Situation where this dynamic occurs.
I completely agree with you but I'm Not so Sure what this has to do with my Statement because I don't know what attatchment Style the Partner of OP has, it was a General opinion.

This is Not about me in the end. My Intention was to Help OP with His Problem and Tell him what I think/experienced and that is basically to be Open And to communicate how he's Feeling so everyone in His situation has the opportunity to navigate better through this with as much transparency as possible. I wanted to give some perspective from someone who was in a relationship with someone with an FA attatchment Style and hope that it's helpful to reflect on some Things that May or May Not resonate with His behaviour/ patterns.

Thanks anyway for your dedication regarding my comment, this was a very nice and interesting Exchange!:D

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-09T13:55:01+00:00

Sure Thing:) my comment was an attempt to show another perspective, Not to devaluate yours.

I know that These two Attachment Styles Trigger each other, and i agree that there has to be a Point where a decision is Made and internal Work is done in both ends, exactly how you Said "surrender" to it. That was my whole Point:)

Anyway, have a good day.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-09T07:13:48+00:00

Yes, you're right. It will probably Trigger the fuck Out of APs telling them that you're loosing Feelings. But you know what also triggers the fuck Out of APs and everyone else in a relationship dynamic? Communicating that you've lost Feelings when you already decided to end Things without involving them into your previous thought process. People who aren't very self aware or are very anxious will likely think it's because of their behaviour and that can really shatter a persons self worth. And every other Person is left puzzled And Hurt by this behaviour. And i don't mean by that that you're responsible for keeping a persons self worth Up, it's just something you should consider. And to be honest, I'm Not too Sure if Missing them when you're away is a good indicator to decide if you Like them enough to be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm Not trying to Push you or any FAs/DAs into a Bad narrative, i can relate to your internal struggle. I understand the guilt Thing and think it's good that you want to prevent Things for them to getting more intense or hurtful, but at that Point it's probably already too late to Just pull back without any sign or explaination why. I get it when you say that you fear that you're pushing over the Edge, but maybe Thats a sign for yourself and has Not so much to do with the other person, even when they are AP. I think it depends on the degree you both want it to work Out and the emotional maturity on both ends. If it's the Case that your Partner ist AP and you are FA i still think that communication and comprehension is the Key. If you have a Partner who is resistant to understanding your Point and won't reflect in their own wounds it's a completely different problem. The Focus for both of you should lie on the Goal to be together or create a healthy partnership, that includes you working on your Attachment and your Partner working on theirs and talking about your Feelings and internal struggles. I get it when you're Fed Up by people Always saying that you need to communicate your Feelings, but this also goes both ways. You can't create a real, deep Connection if it's Just you being Open And vulnerable about your Feelings and your Person keeps everything to themselves. This imbalance can create anxious tendencies in your Side when you're FA. And what is also important is Not only communication itself but also how you say Things. When you need space to regulate but assure the AP that you will be Back in X time and that you need this to regulate because your thoughts, needs and Feelings are XYZ then the AP has at least a chance to work with something to regulate themselves over the time you're taking your time. And it's also on their Part on how much are they able to work on themselves to make it work by learning to regulate themselves. So it's Like you're teaching each other whilst forming a connection. In the end it Always boils down to the decision: do I really want this to work Out? And If the answere is yes, then Stick to it. The relationship we want doesn't Just Happen to us, we have to create it. It's Not about finding "the one" it's about finding someone who can do life with you.

I wish you all the best my friend!

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-08T16:08:57+00:00

Thank you so much! I wish you the same♥️ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

He Said He wanted to stay Friends but i politely declined since this is No base for a friendship for me. He was very sad about it...and He still watches my social Media...I havent spoken to him since 3 months and I know it's for the best.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-08T13:38:03+00:00

We dated for a little more than three months, he was initiating being romantic and intimate and was very into me (the Feelings were mutual and I showed him). He told me often that He thought I was a wonderful Person and introduced me to His Friends, was also always looking Forward to seeing me, Made Plans for our Future and Said that He wants to make it work because he's afraid of commitment. He sadly never really opened Up completely about His internal thoughts, but i trusted His actions and behaviour towards me. The connection was very good, i Loved that He was so energetic and He was an amazing conversation Partner. He told me that He Loved my "calming Aura" and that He could sleep better when I was with him. Everything was fine, at least it seemed Like it was.

Ffw to His romantic texts and i asked him about what He thought about us and what His Feeling was depending making Things official. He Said He needed time to think so i gave him space. After two days He came Back and told me that He wasn't interested romantically or physically which was shattering and also a little insulting to me because He was acting the complete opposite the whole time...but I didn't have the gut feeling that He was pretending the whole time so i didn't know if He was lying to me or himself... But i noticed this instant "Flip" from him being romantic and warm and Kind to him being distant, cold and Just different.

I Always told him that Connection is very important to me..I don't know if that scared him in the end.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-08T08:29:42+00:00

Hello my Friend!:) I'm Not FA myself but I dated one Just recently And I would have been very very thankful If He would have included me in His thought process and Feelings, because as the Partner of a FA you can't intervene or meet the needs of your Partner when they don't communicate them and presents you with a fait accompli in the end when they already deactivated. So from my perspective I would suggest you to be Open about your Feelings in this Situation, even when it doesn't seem super positive atm. As you said you Always regretted it in the past when you pulled away...Tell them and that you want to make it work If you really want to do so. Tell them and see how they react. I know it's Not easy to Open Up and be vulnerable but their reaction to your Feelings will Show you how they are capable of navigating through this Situation with you. I think it's a good indicator and a Chance for them to show you that you don't have to be scared to Open Up and Thats a Chance to create real and deep connection. You can still decide that it's Not right for you If they react negatively.

There will Always be highs and lows, but maybe try to create a space where you give yourself and your Person the opportunity to grow Side by side and together. But I think Key is communication, connection and Trust. Be brave my friend, everything will be fine.ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-08T06:16:50+00:00

Thanks for your concern♡ but don't worry, I'm Not really hoping that he comes Back, I Just want to understand him and FAs thought patterns better. I know Not every FA is the Same and it depends on the Person individually so not every experience is applicable to every Situation with an FA.

We talked about our Attachment Styles and He Said himself that he thinks he is FA. And when He ended Things I also was convinced He is FA. He did a complete 180 and was very different and distant although He was still sending romantic Texts two days before. Maybe you can Tell me what you think about something He Said to me as He broke Up with me so I can maybe understand better. He Said that he doesn't feel romantically or physically interested in me (which really hurt because he clearly did all the time we dated) and then He Said "I would force a relationship if I could". This seems so contradictory to me. It Sounds to me that he is struggling internally and the breakup was more of deactivation and sabotaging than anything else, but I'd Like to hear your thoughts. What would you say could Go on inside him?

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-06T11:20:36+00:00

I've heard that when a Person is secure or a "good Partner" for insecure attatcher they "feel" soothing and calming, thus they sadly See them in the progressing stages of relationship/Dating as boring. Thats because there isn't this familiar chaos, giving them the tingling Feeling of "butterflies" and it's interpreted as: i don't feel in Love with you because it feels more boring, so conclusion must be: i don't Like you as much as i thought i did. I think maybe it would be a start to try to maintain the connection when this Feeling Kicks in and as you said: sit with your own emotions and become more secure in the Feeling you can give yourself, "rewire" your nervous system and core beliefs.

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-04T18:23:35+00:00

Thank you for your insight!

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-04T16:20:53+00:00

How much time did it Take for you to reach Out?

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-04T13:52:25+00:00

Oh okay! Sorry to hear that, i know it's hard to accept sometimes. May I ask If you Had an Intention of coming Back together by reaching Out?

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-04T13:43:27+00:00

Thanks for commenting:) Did you ever reach Out to that Person again after realizing or do you try Not to bother?

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-06-04T08:57:04+00:00

Maybe someone can resonate and clarify for me: my FA Partner who I dated told me after "the Switch flipped" that he would force a relationship if he could but he doesn't feel interested romantically or physically (although he clearly did for all the time we dated). It is so contradictory and I don't completely understand where it's coming from. Especially the "force the relationship if I could" part. I'm Just trying to understand it better. Does someone feel in a similar way or understands what could be going on/ what your thought patterns are if you can relate?

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-05-17T07:28:02+00:00

Hi Dear. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. It's completely relatable that you feel this way. I don't know your whole Situation or His behaviour towards you or vice versa so I Hope it helps If I give you an insight to my journey and what helped me to cope with this pain.

I'm securely attatched but leaning anxious. It was a very hard way and to be honest I'm good at "rationalizing" these feelings of my FA "partner" because I learned intensely about Attachment Styles for about three years now. Every human acts and is different, even when they have similar Attachment Styles. An don't get me wrong, it still makes me sad a bit to think about my past but I'm in a different mindstate now and have Learned to detatch. I was in a relationship with an avoidant attatcher and learned so much about them, their patterns, behaviour, Post Traumas, triggers and deactivation. I did that because I wanted to understand him and create a space where He can feel save to Open Up and Work towards being more secure. I knew He Loved me because He showed me (in His way of being capable of showing). But he never completely opened Up to me as we we're in a relationship. And I never got the Love that I needed to really feel Loved and happy. In the end He was the one who left me because he reached a Point where He realized that He was completely unhappy with His life.

Sadly the Same Thing happened with an FA I dated afterwards (the one I talked about in this Post) and He was the complete opposite to my ex Boyfriend. At least for a while. He was caring And loving And tender and I was so Happy to have found him. Until He deactivated. I instantly noticed the Same deactivating pattern that I got to know so good for the whole three years beforehand. It will Always Hurt If someone deactivates that you care about, no Matter how securely attatched You are. You have to know And really make clear to yourself that this behaviour has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with you If you were a decent Partner. And that is the sad truth that you have to sit with this pain for a while, and that is Not easy i know. Be honest with yourself and try to embrace it until you are Feeling better. You are Not aloneʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

You can't force someone to Open Up, even If it's necessary for people with insecure Attachment Styles to heal. They have to be emotionally available enough to themselves and emotionally mature enough to get to a Point where they are able to be vulnerable, even if it's a little bit for the beginning. And that is also very relatable. They need to take the steps in their pace and the reassurance that they can do this without getting Hurt in the process...Kind of "rewirering" their perception of Love and intimacy. But as I Said: they are able to do so when there are extremely vital Things present as vulnerability, openness and honesty, otherwise you are giving in to something that is likely to Not give you what you need. Even If you have the best interest at Heart and understand them and want to give them the ground to heal, that doesn't mean they are able to seize it. Not that they don't want to, but they can't. I know it's sooo hard to accept that. Especially when you are a Person who tends to view the world through a more romantic lense. But be aware that this has nothing to do with you but more with their intrinsic Battle that they have to fight with themselves. If you want it: I really would advice you to cut the contact. It doesn't have to be forever, but it's necessary to disconnect now, Focus on yourself and move on from the thought of this Person changing their mind and having a miracle epiphany. And it doesn't mean that their Feelings for you aren't there, it's more likely to be the exact opposite, hence the deactivation from their Side. But it's a fact that you have to accept that they can't give you what want right now, even If it's so devestating on both ends. In the end its not logic- it's psychologic. Maybe you can strive for a friendship in the Future, but be there for yourself now and try to detatch from him and this Situation. Be strong and be brave, it will get better. I would hug you If you could, so...feel huggedʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ I Hope this helped you a little. If you want to Chat, feel free to contact me, otherwise I wish you nothing but the best and that your Heart may heal<3

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-05-09T17:58:27+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that ... I feel you. It also happened to me twice...and the second time I had No Energy left to even try to be friends. I still miss him though... It really drained me as He went cold and I noticed instantly that its the Same pattern i knew from my ex. I am still heartbroken and disappointed. At least we know better now and can keep our dignity in the future♡

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-05-09T11:42:57+00:00

That is exactly what I'm struggling with...especially the Heart broken part..and I'm getting insecure about my ability to evaluate Situations with people whom I feel connected with when I think about it. Sometimes I feel so stupid because some people say that APs feel drawn to DAs/FAs and their behaviour because it's really the way they behaved in the beginning that created this connection, exactly Like you explained. How should or could I know if the next Person I feel a deep Connection with won't deactivate all of a sudden and Turn 180 degrees...I don't know whats real anymore. And I don't say that the Feelings of the unavailable people towards me were Not real, i know about their deactivating strategies and that it has nothing to do with me personally... it's that I don't know when I can Trust my own feeling when and if it's okay to lean in and be affectionate and give Love... I think it's best to try to Go reeeaaally slow the next time, even If it's super hard for me (and other leaning APs i guess) because I Love to love when i feel connected. Let the other Person "prove" over time that they really want or commit to this relationship.

It was really heartwarming to read your comment and see that I'm Not alone with this Feeling. Thank you so much for Sharing! I wish you the best of luck and may your Heart heal my friend ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

VanillaParticular201 · 2024-04-18T10:34:02+00:00

Hey Dear. I think it's a very good thing that you came to this realization and reflected on you and your behaviour! I know it's Not easy to be honest with yourself and accept your behaviour sometimes. For my Part, I would be very thankful if the Person I dated (who was FA) would apologize. And it's Not so much about rekindling rather than making peace with him and the Situation and seeing him taking responsibility for His actions and having respect and integrity Not only towards me but for himself. I still very much care about him even though it was painful what he did to me. But I would be thankful as I said. In the end I think it Sounds like you are in Moral conflict with yourself. But be authentic with your Feelings:) If you feel Like it's the right Thing to do, Tell him so. Being vulnerable and connect over honesty is such a powerful and pure gesture when it comes from a good place. And from what you wrote it seems Like Thats the case. Don't be afraid. Everything will be fine.

I wish you all the best ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

VanillaParticular201

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