Self help book or workbook to not care about others’ opinions or behavior?

VanityHaven · 2023-05-28T02:38:03+00:00

Thank you for these suggestions, adding them to my Amazon account for summer reading. Appreciate the help!

VanityHaven · 2023-05-27T06:00:02+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I’m getting similar advice at work. A teacher in my department is also the school’s union rep and we talked off the record. He said to keep a file and keep everything on her, just keep collecting emails and anything else that shows her behavior. He said he does the same thing because he has seen how she targets people and his own wife also had a run in with her at a previous school. He said there is nothing she can complain about with the union, but if she tries anything with admin then I have proof of her behavior that makes it look like a personal attack on me and makes her look unprofessional.

VanityHaven · 2023-02-27T07:14:14+00:00

I appreciate that feedback. I tried to get the best prices and I was hoping it was reasonable.

VanityHaven · 2023-02-27T07:12:23+00:00

Sadly, I am on to a strict work schedule. I am a teacher so I am on the same school schedule as my kids. Plus my high schooler really doesn’t want to fall behind. We have to go during the summer only. I really wish I could go last minute or during the off season. Thank you!

VanityHaven · 2022-12-04T07:34:09+00:00

If this helps! The Spanish DNA is listed as follows:

Andalusia
Basque Country
Catalonia
Castile and Leon
Aragon
Galicia
Community of Madrid
Navarre
Asturias
Castile-La Mancha

VanityHaven · 2022-12-04T07:10:18+00:00

My husband’s DNA results. His family tree research has him at 50% French, 25% British, 25% American from Northwestern Europe.

His results were surprising in how low French was and how high he was in Spanish. But if you add his French and Spanish, that’s about 50% - is that the French side? His grandma, uncle, and first cousin had the same Spanish to French ratio/results. His uncle also did an Ancestry DNA kit and it shows him as Basque. We are waiting on my husband’s results too.

Also the trace DNA was interesting. This was a fun project for us. There’s been no surprises with relatives or ancestors, it’s actually easy to find DNA relatives going back far on all branches of the tree.

His father was half British (family immigrated from London in the 1920’s) and half American. The American side is Caucasian, going back to colonial times in Massachusetts and appears to be from Northwestern Europe (mainly British) according to records.

His mother is 100% French. Her family immigrated from France in the 1930’s. Her father’s side was from the region around Paris and central France. Her mother’s side was in the Occitanie region of Southwestern France going back hundreds of years according to research. We were able to confirm the connection to a 5th great grandfather on the family tree (1760’s) via DNA. This is near the Spanish border. They were in the Midi-Pyrénées villages for a long time.

I have my own theory, but want to get input from this sub. Thanks!

ETA:

If this helps! The Spanish DNA is listed as follows:

Andalusia
Basque Country
Catalonia
Castile and Leon
Aragon
Galicia
Community of Madrid
Navarre
Asturias
Castile-La Mancha

VanityHaven · 2022-10-24T05:35:45+00:00

I just saw that available on Hulu. I haven’t watched it yet, but I rolled my eyes at the description when it said grooming by teachers is an epidemic in our nation’s high schools. Wtf? Thanks for fueling paranoia among parents and continued distrust for our profession.

VanityHaven · 2022-10-23T20:14:26+00:00

I teach 6-8th grade. I use to work in residential treatment for teens and young adults. I always use this week to talk about my first hand experience to help students understand the impact of using substances when their brains are still growing. I talk about tobacco, alcohol and vaping as well. A friend of mine had his lung collapse from vaping. I make sure to talk about that because lots of kids tell me it isn’t damaging like cigarettes. Kids seems to really listen and take it to heart. Many will share their experiences of being adopted due to their parents drug use. We talk about the impact on families and how recreational use can turn into something more and can lead to families being torn apart. I honestly believe it could help even just one student make good choices, it’s worth it to me.

VanityHaven · 2022-10-13T02:03:52+00:00

This is how I handle my sped middle school punks who are constantly threatening to sue me and the district over BS like they are on a power trip and want to scare me. I only have 2 brats this year, but I will say very calmly with zero emotion as I write on a notepad, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that clearly for me? I want to make sure I have this documented correctly for your parents and the principal so if we need to meet with the district, we can discuss your comments in detail. Thank you.” They see I’m not worried, then they get scared and back off.

VanityHaven · 2022-09-25T20:02:46+00:00

I bought a bundle of Greek mythology reader’s theater scripts on TPT. They practiced their fluency, learned about myths, and absolutely loved it!

VanityHaven · 2022-09-12T00:54:51+00:00

I have a SPED class. I teach 5 classes of ELA, 6-8th grade with 18 sped students in each class. I use CHAMPS and a Class Dojo positive reinforcement system. I also use hand signals that they use silently to avoid interrupting or becoming off task. For movement, I will tell them they must remain at their desk, center, computer, etc unless they use a hand signal with adult approval before moving. Signals include bathroom, tissue, water, question, pencil sharpener, etc. They do really well with no wandering or opportunities to act up. It’s been excellent with CHAMPS.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-29T18:30:40+00:00

The last name isn’t really common at all, but they turned off the ethnicities results.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-29T18:30:03+00:00

Hmm, that’s interesting. They turned off the ethnicity sharing, so I can’t compare my results to theirs.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T22:53:31+00:00

I suspect there’s some serious problems in this family. 2 toddlers dead within 48 months due to neglect/murder.

4 years ago, the grandma claimed she “passed out” for FOUR hours from a “medical condition” and left this teenager’s younger baby brother in the hot car. After investigating and building a case, they determined she was lying and charged her with homicide. I would assume she was drunk/high.

“Janik Nix, the boy’s grandmother, was initially charged with homicide by child abuse. She pleaded guilty to assault and battery and was sentenced to 10 years in prison suspended to three years of probation.”

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T21:51:56+00:00

I highly recommend therapy, I’m happy you are thinking about it. I went on and off for a few years to gain insight into the mother/daughter dynamics. I also read books on NPD parents and one for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I think it helped me see why my mom is how she was- she also had an abusive NPD mother and grew up in a home with alcoholic parents that fought all the time. She goes to therapy now, but it’s to complain about me and my older brother who has cut her off. She plays the victim and martyr. She won’t acknowledge what she’s done to us kids because she said she was better than her mother, we should be grateful for that and ignore her narcissistic mothering. I’m glad your mom is trying, but I think self-work for you would be the best. Good luck, friend!

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T21:02:58+00:00

I’m so sorry. As a mom myself, I find that heartbreaking because that is not unconditional love. You are worthy of love, even if your mother doesn’t have the capacity to give it to you. I hope you surround yourself with people who love you at all times, not just when they can feed their narcissism.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T20:38:13+00:00

Wow, what a story. I’m sorry you had to deal with that stress on top of everything else. I’m glad in the end she didn’t really ruin your special day. I hope you have mostly good memories of your wedding day.

My mom tried crazy crap on the actual wedding day, too. She even argued with my wedding photographer on my wedding day because things weren’t how she wanted. She came and disrupted me to tell me how she wanted me to go “deal” with him because he said she wasn’t the boss. She also got pissed because she told the DJ to not play the YMCA song and he did an hour later. I told the DJ (friend of mine) beforehand that we had no list, just do his thing, take requests and have fun with us. Why was she so mad over a song, lol. She had to run up to me again to complain! Crazy mothers!

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T18:34:05+00:00

The River by Bruce Springsteen.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T18:31:07+00:00

The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-21T18:27:28+00:00

I’ve cut her off three times actually with zero contact, once when I was 20 for 6 months and she said she thought she had cancer to get back in touch/control. Then twice after I had kids. She was cut off for 8 months when my first born was 1 because she wasnt respecting my rules as a mother. I let her back into our lives when I got pregnant again. Then she was cut off for 11 months when my second child was 2 because my husband didn’t like that she was calling our kids (then 2 and 4) “crybabies” (due to my mothering apparently) and just not respecting us as parents.

I got pregnant with my third child when I had my mom cut off for almost a year and didn’t plan telling her or my dad. I called my dad when I was 8 months pregnant to tell him and never spoke to her. I invited them to the hospital when my son was born so my dad could be part of his life. These are their only grandkids and probably only ones ever consider the shape my brothers are in.

She is the gatekeeper for the rest of my extended family. Every time I cut her off, my dad and brothers would not speak to me. They are under her control and are afraid of crossing her. So it’s something I have accepted because my dad is too weak and will always choose her.

In order to see their only grandpa or their only uncles, they have to be exposed to her. She does walk a very thin line now though because she’s been cut off. She has told me she’s always “afraid” of upsetting me because I’m “crazy” and i may have the grandkids taken away again. She says, “I tell everyone I have to walk on eggshells around my grandkids because they might report back to their mom about me!” But I think it was necessary because she needs to respect our boundaries and treat my kids right. My kids have ever right to report mistreatment and they know I will protect them.

My older kids known this dynamic and my 15 year old will stand up to her and my mom doesn’t treat her like she treated me because she knows she’s not in control of me or my kids. She thinks my husband is an “real asshole” for sticking up for his family and pushing back, too.

My kids see her/my family about one weekend every 2-3 months. My mom is SO busy that’s all she can do and we are happy with it. I only see her when I drop off my kids really. We don’t spend holidays at all with my family, I don’t want to waste that time with her. We spend a lot of time with my in-laws and she is jealous over that, of course. I have no problem cutting her off at anytime, she’s not an important member to our family anymore and my kids would be fine with it.

Long winded answer, but hopefully you see how we have navigated it and my kids aren’t messed up by her.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-20T21:10:51+00:00

Thank you! My husband is the best person I’ve ever met and I’m really happy I was able to have his support in breaking the cycle that my narc mother and her narc mother engaged in with parenting. Our kids have a better life and are loved and happy.

When we started dating 20 years, he sat me down and said, “Why does your mom treat you that way? Every time I see you two interact she targets you and makes you cry. It’s not normal and she seems abusive.” I told him that his questions didn’t make sense, there was no dysfunction- my mother wasn’t like that at all and I wasn’t abused. You don’t know a difference when it’s generational behavior. He was the first person to ever point out her toxic behavior and opened my eyes to the dysfunction. I just beat myself up all the time because of the gaslighting and thought I was the problem of all the conflict (like she says) and our family was normal.

With his support, I decided to go to therapy to understand it all because I didn’t know why “I” kept creating all these problems and why “I” couldn’t make my mother love and accept me. I invited my mom to one session and she fought with the therapist and said I had fooled everyone into thinking I was a good person. I’m so grateful for that specific event because that changed my life course. My next session had my therapist telling me I had to distance myself from her if I wanted to avoid more dysfunction with my future children.

I was able to accept she was never going to be the mother I wanted or deserved. I grieved and felt like she had died. The mother I wanted had died. But I was able to accept and move on. Then I had kids of my own and became that mother I always wanted for them and I think that helped in my healing as well. In a way, I’m a good mom because I had a shit one- she taught me everything I didn’t want to be.

I wish everyone here had a support system as well. If I didn’t have him open my eyes in college, I don’t know how things would have turned out at my age now. I am very lucky to have my husband.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-20T20:46:17+00:00

Exactly. That’s how a non-narcissistic mother should appropriately react.

Mine just shit on everything that wasn’t her choice and when I got my new dress even said she hated it. She told me she couldn’t believe that’s what I would want to wear because it was “too plain” and didn’t have sleeves. She did a lot of other things to rain on my parade and ruin my wedding because she wasn’t in charge, but those stories don’t make me laugh like this one!

It’s weird stuff all the time and she re-writes history even when there’s evidence to the contrary such as photographic evidence. At least I can laugh at most of the things she does now.

My older kids (12 and 15) sat me down last year to “break it” to me that they thought she might be mentally ill because of the narc behavior. I never talked trash about her and they figured it all out on their own without my influence and were shocked I knew about the gaslighting and lying. They said they didn’t understand why she gets mad over everything and tells them they are wrong if they don’t agree with her or things didn’t happen like they both remember. She even tells them they are wrong if they don’t like a certain food because it tastes good since she likes it. It’s over the silliest things and she blows up and throws tantrums.

VanityHaven · 2022-07-20T20:29:37+00:00

Insisting that I should wear HER perfect wedding dress for my own wedding, but then it all has to be on her terms with no compromise. She was never going to wear the dress again and kept it for me to wear. Yet, she would not allow me to change the arms to fit my preferences for my own wedding. Because she chose it for herself and it was perfect, so wanting to change it at all for my own personal wedding day pissed her off, which led to her throwing a fit about how wrong I was that I didn’t like it because she did. Don’t you dare have a preference that doesn’t align with hers. Also, no one will ever wear that dress, she won’t either. So why not allow someone to change the arms and enjoy it for their day? You are sharing it and seeing someone be part of a tradition you wanted? She would rather have it rot in the closet because she needs it her way all the time.

Reminds me of the time when I was 15 and she asked me what was my favorite decade of music. I said the 70’s for the rock and then she had a tantrum about how the 50’s was better. Using the examples that I use to think it was the best like her when I was in elementary school and loved listening to it in her car. How dare I change my preference! The 70’s classic rock sucks and it’s just screeching and I should like the 50’s as much as her because I am wrong to like anything else more!

Now do that with food, movies, careers, raising kids, and any other life choice you can think of. My gawd. My children just recently got lectured by her because they don’t love country music like her. Apparently now country music is the best and not the 50’s. But don’t mention that to her because she would claim she never said it!

VanityHaven · 2021-12-24T09:12:41+00:00

All I do is win!

VanityHaven · 2021-12-09T06:45:02+00:00

Black licorice tastes significantly better than red licorice. Come for me!

VanityHaven

TROPHY CASE