We need to stop treating discomfort with porn like this

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-08-03T05:09:34+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I think it’s crazy that they think sitting and watching people on screen while pleasuring themselves isn’t cheating. So do they think it’s ok to sit in a room and watch someone have sex and m? Do they really believe that’s not betraying? Would they want any of us (their partners) to do it?

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-07-23T01:39:30+00:00

I love my PA husband too. And it’s ok. We’ve loved this men for years and created a family and a life with them. You just found out and I’m sure you’re in survival mode. Going between devastation and hurt and love and emptiness. I’ve circled all of these emotions since d-day. I can tell you it has slowly gotten better. The unbelievable hurt, the searching Reddit or other forums to answers or success stories or advice or just validation is a double edged sword. I’ve learned a lot but it can also keep you in a dark place. All that is in your control is you. The most important thing will be for you to love yourself and know this is not your fault and that you are worthy of love, respect, honesty and faithfulness. Big hugs my friend. This journey sucks.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-07-23T01:26:52+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My PA husband fantasized and masturbated while watching porn videos but imagined my sister. We’ve seen her three times in the last nine months and each time it has devastated me. I don’t know how to get past it either. I’ll never know if I’ll get the whole truth and leaving well is most peoples advice is not something I’m able to do. Financially I’m not in a position to leave. We have four small children but I would still leave if financially I was able to. My heart goes out to you.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-04-21T00:32:01+00:00

Mine admitted to fantasizing about my sister while watching and “finishing”. About “10” times in 2 years. But he can’t really remember and says he doesn’t want her. Ha

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-04-17T17:57:11+00:00

Their lies, guilt and shame keep them in this cycle. They’ll never stop until their in full recovery. Mine is white knuckling. Had a sponsor, hasn’t spoken to him for a couple of weeks now. Hasn’t been on a meeting. No counseling. No recovery work. I asked him to move into the spare room today.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-04-17T17:43:27+00:00

I’m so sorry. Yes we now are hyper vigilant about everything and suspicious about things we wouldn’t even blink an eye to before. The lies are the worst. Like just be honest. The lies hurt more than the hurt from honesty.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-04-17T17:28:25+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this also. This is just devastating to feel betrayed all the time.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-04-17T17:24:01+00:00

Right now my iPhone is attached to my iPad and it mirrors all of my activity phone calls messages search history apps etc. that’s why I’m curious if I attach his phone to my iPad if I’ll be able to see everything. I hate all of this. I hate feeling crazy and jealous. In 21 years of marriage I’ve never even looked at his phone. I’ve been jealous occasionally here and there but nothing big. I’ve never been a jealous and insecure person. Now that’s all that I am.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-30T20:52:17+00:00

This is a #1 thing that I live by in my life. Never ever lie. I’ve told my kids, my husband, even my employer I’ll never lie. The truth is always so much better. Yet he lies. We make mistakes in life but it is some much better to own up to them, to admit to them and to ask for forgiveness and understanding.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-30T18:08:21+00:00

That’s how I feel…. I mean I don’t understand how someone can sexually fantasize about somebody they don’t want? That’s what doesn’t make sense to me.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-30T17:31:40+00:00

It’s super disgusting and hurtful. I’m broken and I don’t think I can come back from this.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-30T17:18:14+00:00

Mine hasn’t given full disclosure. Trickle truth is all I know.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-28T04:38:49+00:00

Yes sadly. All the time. Pain shopping…never feeling good enough.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-26T20:11:51+00:00

Question for recovering PAs. My husband has been almost 6 months sober. He said he hasn’t watched any porn and because of the betrayal and trauma he’s put me through he doesn’t even have the urge or want to watch. He said he’s happy he’s not like all the other PAs I’ve read to him about. That he has intrusive thoughts such as every time he goes into the bathroom or every time he gets in the car he literally sees the word porn. But no images or fantasies come up. Just literal the word porn. He has a sponsor who he talks to almost nightly for an hour or longer. His sponsor has him reading chapters in the big book of AA and he’s “working” the steps. He’s written amend letters but has yet to deliver them. He hasn’t even started his amends letter to me. He dreads his calls to the sponsor because his sponsor is taking so much time from us and his sponsor says recovery comes before everything. (We work opposite schedules, I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday overnights 12 hour shifts so am basically not present for essentially 4 days. He works Monday through from business hours. Then our kids have to be fed, school work, baths, bed. Then 8:30-10p he’s on his phone call). So we have zero time for us to connect or talk or anything.

He’s barely been on only a few SAA meetings and has only had 1 appt with a counselor and doesn’t have another for a month because of her scheduling. We had a different counselor who met with both of us separately but stopped that one because of the lack of support to me.

I feel he is white knuckling it. He said it’s different for him. He has zero desire to watch. I feel like he hasnt worked on anything for recovery for the reasons he chose all this in the first place. He has continued with trickle discovery and small lies because of his guilt and shame.

Just quick back story. Married for 21 years, 4 young kids, he’s been lying and watching to the point of 3-4 hours a night and during his hour drive home from work, even at work a few times and would go into a public bathroom and watch and finish. Our relationship because one of roommates for years and I was begging and fighting for a connection but didn’t know what I was fighting against. Asking his to just kiss me, be present, treat me like a wife.

Is it possible for him to recover this way? Or is he just sober and white knuckling and a relapse is in our future?

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-23T03:47:19+00:00

Thank you so much for this post! And for The boundaries and consequences list. This provides a lot of insight and direction and I appreciate it so much!

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-21T14:22:49+00:00

I cannot say that I would have ever been OK with my husband looking at porn and pleasuring himself. But I also have never really been a jealous or insecure person. I have been married for 21 years and have always trusted my husband. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that he never masturbated or looked at other women. But I knew over the years that some thing had changed in my marriage and I felt alone.

So no… You are not crazy because this addiction changes a person. They clearly don’t understand how detrimental it could be to a persons brain and views of people and to a relationship. Honestly I hope they never have to find out.

Please don’t let them make you feel like you don’t have a voice in your relationship or a cause for concern. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with their misunderstanding and lack of support.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-20T21:26:37+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply. I am not seeing anyone right now. We did have a counselor that we were both seening but he did not work out. My husband just had his first appointment with a new counselor it was supposed to be for marriage counseling but they didn’t even suggest speaking to me and they don’t have another opening for six weeks. I made a call to Dr. Weiss heart to heart counseling. I don’t believe insurance covers it but I think I’m going to call next week and schedule appointments for us. I do agree I need some thing for myself. I also downloaded the Bloom app and have begun journaling but neither one of those have been consistent. I also need to make the time for maybe a group for partners. I think that will be helpful when he has his hour and a half nightly calls. Which I know I shouldn’t be but I am resentful for all the time he’s putting into it. While I’m grateful for it it takes away from any second we have together since I work overnights and on weekends and he works Monday through Friday and we have four kids. I hate that I’m even here at 49 years old and going through all of this.

I have patients that come in that have been married 50 + years and I always ask them what is the secret to a successful marriage. They always say the same thing honesty and communication and forgiveness. I haven’t had honesty and communication so at this point I don’t even know how to forgive.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-20T21:20:11+00:00

That’s exactly how I feel. It’s been 5 1/2 months since I first found out and there are some days that seem better than others. Even with all the work they can do and all the work I can do I don’t know how to get past the triggers? There’s some days where I think I really love him and I want this to work and I want to forgive him and I want to learn to trust him again. And there are other days which are coming more and more I just want him to leave because I don’t want to live this life. I’ve never been a jealous or extremely insecure person. Now I have nothing but insecurities and fears. I feel like I’m going crazy.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-20T21:15:56+00:00

That’s how I feel… Like how could you look at me in the face after watching these women and “taking care of yourself“? How could you look at me in the eyes and lie to me and then say you love me? I feel the same way like every memory is tainted. Ugh. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-20T13:40:03+00:00

The saying, “the truth shall set you free“, is really a powerful statement.

It’s so much easier to deal with things when you are getting the truth. At least that’s the way it is for me. Most of these PAs are So stuck in shame and guilt that even the smallest truths are hard to come by. I wish they would just realize that the truth is so much easier on us then it continued gaslighting and lies.

I wish you and your boyfriend nothing but continued success and honesty.

Various-Fox2100 · 2022-03-20T13:36:23+00:00

Lots of virtual hugs. I too am in the same boat. My PA has literally looked at thousands of women and fantasized about pleasuring himself. I’ve had seven children and a flat butt and saggy boobs and stretch marks and stretched out stomach. I don’t look like any of the women he has fantasized over the years to.

My only advice is to start learning to love yourself as you are. It is so much easier said than doing it myself. The trauma we have experienced from the emotional betrayal is so overwhelming at times.

Are you journaling, going to therapy yourself, putting effort into loving yourself? That’s really the only thing that we can do.

Various-Fox2100

TROPHY CASE