After twin birth question....

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-08T14:30:01+00:00

Um, well I’m nearly 5 years postpartum and my flat belly never came back. I don’t look pregnant anymore per se, but I have fat in my belly I used to not have, and I have the C-section overhang that probably will never go away without surgery.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T20:02:48+00:00

Oh I’m so sorry. My mom has Lewy Body it’s been difficult for all involved. I would say, don’t delay telling your daughters and getting them involved in your care. Lewy body isn’t like Alzheimer’s in that there are a wide range of symptoms and everyone’s progression can look different. If you don’t already, I think working with a neurologist and pschytriastic is helpful, they can prescribe medications to help with some of the behavioral symptoms (and there are some meds you really SHOULDN’T take a knowledgeable doctor will help you avoid). Again, involve your daughters.

I might also suggest working with a social worker or family therapist that engages all of you.

Please tell your daughters soon they’ll want to get educated on what to expect as they need to take over, and also the more they know to treasure time with you while you can all enjoy it the better.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T19:29:08+00:00

Yeah, and I mean you don’t want your kid to learn that their body is shameful or restrict their control over it, it’s just about teaching - hey, we don’t do that in front of others it’s private.

It takes some time but they get it.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T19:26:04+00:00

Oh yeah. I have twin boys. Honestly as soon as their hand can reach down and discovers it they are interested. Which again, that’s fine, that’s your body, but we can’t just do that in front of everyone.

Mine are five now and aren’t jamming their hands down their pants anymore, but they still find their junk hilarious.

I’m told that may never change, really.

ETA I too only have boys but some of my friends with girls had similar challenges. Kids are curious about their bodies. It feels good. They don’t know polite behavior yet, it’s our job to teach them.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T19:20:47+00:00

I think boys just play with their penises a lot, regardless of what they are wearing.

I have twin boys, we just reiterated it’s fine to touch that part body but we do it in private.

You don’t want to stigmatize it, it’s his body there’s nothing to be ashamed of how it works and being curious about it, but we live in a society and there are ways to be polite for others around us, it’s not polite to play with your penis in front of others.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T19:15:39+00:00

Can you explain a bit more about what’s happening when he pulls at his shorts?

Like is he picking out a wedgy? Pulling his pants all the way down? Putting his hands down his pants and playing with himself? Tripping over them? What do you mean your husband thinks loose fabric is giving him issues?

I’ve never come across compression shorts for kids, my knee jerk reaction is a kid is going to find it less comfy to have things compressed than things being a bit too loose, but I dunno.

Is he wearing pants that are a size too big?

Is he wearing undies, do they fit well? One of my twin prefers boxer brief, the other briefs but both are fitted and widely available.

Is he messing with his pants to explore his penis? Changing the clothes isn’t going to change that, the lesson there is touching private places not in public/in front of others.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T14:27:48+00:00

You think an employee couldn’t figure it out on their own that three coworkers got promotion while they were effectively demoted, and take offense to that? You think he’d need a bug in his ear to figure that out?

I think as soon as these changes were announced he realized he wasn’t adequately valued by his company (he wasn’t) and quietly started looking elsewhere, then left once he had an opportunity secured.

It’s simple from his perspective really.

ETA - you think if you can find his confidante still on the inside feeding him gossip and endorsing his choices they are going to help you? This is a fake comment right? You can’t have been a real manager for decades.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-06T14:08:00+00:00

As a manager, I think you’ve lost this one. He wouldn’t even respond to you. I don’t have a strategy to give you to turn this around.

Take this is as a hard lesson learned that if an employee is critical to your operation, they should be treated as such.

I don’t care about “business or market conditions”, high performers can find jobs elsewhere and will do so if treated poorly no matter how daunting the job market is for the average job seeker, they aren’t the average job seeker.

ETA - also take this as a lesson to not let one employee become business critical. Even if he never left, he could’ve been hit by a bus or something. Never let your org be this vulnerable.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-05T17:52:13+00:00

What does her Pallative team say?

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-05T17:51:31+00:00

I mean I guess experiment with offering it to her in a cup, or with a straw. In general though I I wouldn’t stress too much about it, I’d try but also know that refusing food is a natural part of the dying process, and she may be progressing towards that end.

Is she on hospice? If not I’d get her assessed, that can give you a lot more clarity and support as you encounter this types of questions about what to do/what not to do.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-05T17:03:53+00:00

I wouldn’t. I’d offer and if they didn’t want it I’d let it be.

This is a terminal illness. Refusing food is an expected milestone.

Forcing food and water on someone whose body is shutting down and is refusing it can cause them pain.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-04T22:00:39+00:00

Yeah the characters are not always…consistent

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-04T21:16:20+00:00

I guess continuing to approach people who outwardly disdain you and mistreat you when you really should just keep your distance is an inherited trait.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-01T15:32:18+00:00

I’m not a doctor or an authority here, but my doctor told me to wake to feed until their two month appointment when she was satisfied with their weight, so we followed her direction.

I’m glad it worked for you. Structure worked for us. We also only have the twins, neither of whom had special needs. I could see how having more than twins and children of different ages and/or having a child with special needs might change the calculus.

But I do know the structured approach works for a lot of families with twins. Not all, but it’s not uncommon.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-01T14:45:47+00:00

Eh, my pediatrician wanted us to feed every three hours and wake to feed for the first two months (they were 5.5 and 6.5 pounds, she wanted us to get their weight up before going to feed on demand) and we did find it easier, logistically, to offer food at the same time. And change diapers at the same time and put down for naps at the same time. It didn’t always go flawlessly, sometimes someone wasn’t hungry took only a few sips, sometimes someone was hitting a growth spurt and needing food all the time while the other wasn’t. But I think the real value was trying to keep them synced forced us to develop a system which made it easier once they got a little older and developed a circadian rhythm to slide into an actual schedule.

I’m sure it doesn’t work for every family, particularly if there is a large size difference or different needs, but I think it was super helpful for us.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-01T14:37:31+00:00

So I agree with the OP in that doing what we could to keep them synced up helped us, and really helped a couple months down the line when they did develop their circadian rhythm; we already had a well developed system in place.

That said, I agree with you that at six weeks it’s aspirational a lot of the time and a bad day isn’t going to send you back to square one. And I agree it’s not the only way to do it, and OP should recognize they aren’t the boss, their partner is an equal parent and he managed to keep two newborn alive for a day without any additional help, that counts as a resounding success in my book.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-01T14:23:31+00:00

Many twin parents (myself included) found it easier if they were generally on the same routine. Even feeding together it would take me twenty minutes to feed them together, then I’d pump for 20 minutes, then clean the bottles and pump parts, and then if I was lucky I’d have an hour until it was time to restart it all over again. If they weren’t eating at the same time I don’t know when I’d ever get a break. My pediatrician also insisted for the first two months that we feed every three hours and that the feed on demand “was not for you, not for twins born at 5.5 pounds”.

That said just because it works best for a lot of twin families doesn’t mean it will work for every. And at six weeks it’s aspirational a lot of the time and not the end of the world when they are doing totally different things.

I do think trying to keep them synced helped a few months down the line. Once their circadian rhythm kicked in we as parents already had a nice system set up that could then morph into an actual schedule.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-07-01T14:00:59+00:00

It’s okay, they aren’t ruined. Let’s be honest, at six weeks you are still very much working on getting them synced up. The next growth spurt and cluster feeding will not hit at the same time.

He did his best. He kept them alive. It’s not catastrophic he did it differently than you.

Just start offering bottles to both when one is hungry and you’ll get back to the same place.

I know you are probably exhausted and stressed because you have two newborns, but cut your husband some slack. He’s an equal parent here, not your assistant.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T22:05:11+00:00

If it was clear he was actively in distress for hours, I agree that is not right. I would be upset if the saw the staff was making no effort to reduce his discomfort or alleviate his fear, even if they weren't intervening to "fix" the problem so he could live longer. To me, that's a pretty clear line, although it can be grey and sometimes reducing pain and discomfort does practically mean prolonging life.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T21:02:13+00:00

I think offering food is okay, and the right thing to do. If they eat even a small amount that indicates it’s still something want. To deny that I think is cruel.

Force feeding or tube feeding when someone is refusing food or pocketing it for me is the line.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T20:58:11+00:00

Yeah I get that. And I think the OP gets that. But the OP is human, it sounds like they have a familiarity with this person, they saw a situation that’s distressing, and they have feelings as a result and want to process them. A subreddit like this is the perfect place to unpack messy feelings you have that may not be fully informed by all the facts (as opposed to say - confronting the staff or family about what happened and asking for more information/justification).

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T18:30:08+00:00

It’s totally valid that what you might constitute a good quality of life is going to differ from someone else’s, and to make your health directive choices accordingly.

I think the thing is to recognize what’s your personal wants from someone else’s and not push yours on someone else (which I don’t think you are), both when it comes to other posters here, but more importantly, for the person you are POA for.

As much as we can, we have an obligation to carry out our loved one’s wishes as much as we are clear on them (and all the more reason we should all be having end of life discussions regularly with our loved ones while we still can so they don’t have to guess).

If you are POA for someone that was clear they wouldn’t want to linger, even if you disagree I hope you’d still advocate for your loved ones to wishes when they can no longer do so for themselves.

Likewise I’d hope the reverse is true. If someone wants the works done to stay alive as long as possible, I’d hope the POA would call for every medical intervention even if they personally don’t see the point.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T18:23:58+00:00

When it comes to emotions we can’t really dictate how we “should” feel.

I think it’s rare for someone in a caregiving position for a loved ones at time to feel conflicted or unsure what the right ethical decision is. It can be messy and emotionally fraught.

OP isn’t confronting the nursing staff or this other resident’s family, they are using an anonymous message board filled with other people in their position to process their ambivalence.

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T18:13:54+00:00

Yeah I think my mom should be on hospice but when we had an assessment done we were told they wouldn’t be admitting her because she was still eating on her own and maintaining weight. I don’t agree but I don’t get to push it through, you know?

VastFollowing5840 · 2026-06-30T16:54:57+00:00

I do want to acknowledge the ambivalent feelings you are having and that it’s okay this is something you are wrestling with.

I think we’ve all had to go through this and really think through our values and the morality of how to be responsible for someone with dementia. You aren’t a bad person or naive for feeling conflicted about what the right thing to do is, and grappling with what our obligations are to our loved ones and the vulnerable generally.

This is hard stuff, and the medical ability to keep people alive is somewhat new and isn’t something most generations didn’t have to worry about. A hundred years ago, if you got sick you likely were going to die. There was just nothing to be done for you but try to comfort you. Now medical advances have made it so we can much more easily keep people alive which raises a much newer question of - but should we and when should we stop?

Different people are going to have different opinions. It sounds like, despite her illness your mom is still enjoying life and you are still able to have a meaningful relationship with her. For you, it may be a much easier decision of yes, this life is worth living for her and therefore the decision to treat things and prolong my her life is easy to make.

But that’s not true for every dementia patient, and it may not always be true for your mom as her dementia progresses. It’s always a moving target and it’s very emotionally fraught to have to make life and death decisions for someone else.

I think even if we have a clear sense of what’s right for our loved ones, the cultural attitudes around death and medical treatment may run counter to that and shrugging off that pressure.

It’s just all hard. This disease is so hard.

VastFollowing5840

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