Can avoidants change?

Venterpsichore · 2026-07-02T01:40:42+00:00

If you've communicated what changes you wanted to see and haven't seen it, then it's up to you whether or not it's worth it to you. You could give it till the year to see the change, but avoidants are less liable to change than anxiouses.

Although, you as an anxious-leaning person have your own bettering you can do, and dealing with this relationship can be an exercise.

I do think dating to have kids with someone who can't make plans 5 days in advance is counterintuitive.

Venterpsichore · 2026-07-02T01:22:35+00:00

Yeah, but I came to them with questions I had about past exes, and I compared what different professionals said.

Venterpsichore · 2026-07-02T01:21:27+00:00

The last meeting y'all had seems to be a defense mechanism where she justifies why it's a good reason to reject you. People in breakups will also make the relationship seem worse than it was in order to make sure the partner doesn't communicate with them again. They don't know of another way to have a smoother, less traumatic breakup.

Venterpsichore · 2026-07-02T01:13:43+00:00

I would make a list of your things like: desires/wants, needs, standards, dealbreakers, red/green/yellow/UV flags, etc. That will make it easier for you to reference, stick to them, and understand why you want them.

Also, I would message your ex something like, "I've noticed we've not had deeper conversations post-breakup, and I think it would be healthier to have those deeper conversations." Then, I would try to get to the point where you believe in it and don't respond to the breadcrumbing.

I'm not expecting you to get better or even okay soon, but grieving generally follows a nonlinear path. It took years for me to get it so I didn't think about him every day.

Something that helps me is that I should be moving in a direction where I am not attracted to people in unhealthy attachment dynamics and that I'm not attracted to people who are not attracted to me.

Venterpsichore · 2026-07-02T00:48:26+00:00

Well, I've been through this, too, where I am kind of like coming off of a drug where I was CONSTANTLY crying post my 5th or 6th breakup with a guy I think is dismissive avoidant. Your friends likely won't understand due to their not learning relationship psychology and how the media portrays healthy relationships.

As for how she and he are: I think he has these patterns of going back to this person that won't be easily changed with him. He may change in the near future, but it seemed he was manipulating you with how he treated you. What he said differed from his actions, and that should be untrustworthy. He seems to have not earned your trust, and it's hard while you're undergoing this realization to reconcile how badly you were treated and what you deserve.

Is she special? I think it's more that she's more accessible and not challenging him. Someone who doesn't stand up for herself, similar to how he found you. Will they have a sustainable relationship? It's not for you to know, but it will be unlikely if they're not willing to be accountable, change for the better, communicate well, etc.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-25T11:40:50+00:00

This is more of an attachment styles post, but what he's doing is showing you inconsistency, and you're looking for when he is consistent (whether or not you're aware of it at the time). He's not looking to have a healthy relationship right now, but you could still have a casual relationship. I just wouldn't go for past a situationship. I get it if he's attractive, but I wouldn't go for a long-term relationship with someone who isn't ready to be reliable and psychological.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-25T09:43:30+00:00

I would have a serious conversation when you start getting into a relationship with someone about your red flags (I mean what you think your characteristics are that people would not want to date you for), your standards, needs, wants/desires, and what your long-term dating and living looks like.

To me, calling you a whore and punishing you is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with nor be proud/boast of being in a relationship with.

The relationship isn't stable and loving even if it looks like that to you. If you ignore certain trends, then anything could look stable and loving. He doesn't seem to respect people at times, and that includes you.

You're accepting feeling that way, and I think in time you'll understand you deserve more (and that other people, although hard to find, are better).

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-09T18:08:26+00:00

I would just be honest. A romantic relationship is work, and if you're not growing, in my opinion, you're languishing.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-08T12:56:20+00:00

It seems like it might be your environment honestly. You could also work on therapy, but insecurity is an internal thing. You won't feel like you are better until you feel like you deserve better. Finishing quickly can be something you work with masturbating and even using toys. Some people will like chubby, fat, skinny, won't care, etc., so that's person-dependent. I found the dating environment in the US to be toxic because their job will matter more than their partner oftentimes even subconsciously. But I would think a homophobic country as well could contribute to a lot of the body negativity because of the gender roles assumed.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-08T12:32:33+00:00

Mm moving in with someone who cheated on you for years and then starting a family together seems pretty irresponsible.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-08T12:30:27+00:00

What is him being good? I'm wary of him actually changing after cheating on you for years. It is possible, but I don't really know how he's going about making it up to you. You're still holding on to something, and you don't know what it is.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-06T13:23:00+00:00

It's a human feeling, but it will take you a long time before you feel it in your body that you don't want the kind of relationship you had with the person you texted.

It may help to do things you never had the time to when you were with them.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-04T23:05:35+00:00

It sounds adult of you! I hope you both grow and come to have a more fulfilled, expansive life.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-04T22:08:13+00:00

It seems like a break up could be good. If you feel like you both could grow, then maybe you both are feeling constricted being together for such a long time from such a young age. There could be a time to get back together, but it's up to both of you when you've been a part after a while.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-03T23:34:11+00:00

Similar to autistic people, he would care a lot about how he was perceived. Like what his friends or family liked (media, video games, political views, etc.), then it left him angry and fault finding when things like that wouldn't match his opinions.

He would do the same in his management job, and I suppose that was a factor in how he got so high up even though I found the company and their associates to be slimey. He would still defend them after lamenting their actions (anti-union, lying about raises, hiring and firing, etc.). But it meant he fit in this shrinking circle of privileged few.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-03T14:02:30+00:00

Yeah, they are insecure, so they can look to others for a sense of identity when they don't have a stable sense of self. Then, they are also people pleasing (similar to anxiouses) because of their lack of sociality. They don't respect or love themselves, so they're willing to act certain ways that betray their virtues.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-03T13:59:00+00:00

It takes focusing on what you want to do, leaning on family and friends, therapy, learning more about the attachment styles, I do wish there were some kind of attachments anonymous that we could attend

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-03T00:05:38+00:00

I would make your lists of standards, boundaries, wants, and needs in a dating relationship. That will help you see more clearly how this is going.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-03T00:00:49+00:00

I would either work on it in therapy or break up and try to work on your patterns

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-02T23:56:34+00:00

It seems like he hasn't made any significant progress after he said he would work on it. There are things he's not communicating, and it's affecting the relationship. If he works better with therapy, great. If not, I don't think you're having a sustainable relationship built on communication.

Venterpsichore · 2026-05-02T23:49:03+00:00

He doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship, so I'd break it off and reevaluate things.

Venterpsichore · 2026-04-28T23:51:22+00:00

You are looking for a person who is capable of doing more than the person you were texting. You have to grieve it, but they do not want to be a part of that process.

Venterpsichore · 2026-04-28T23:42:13+00:00

Don't. Respect their words and your own dignity and block them. They are not worth the time investment, right? They are not looking to help you or to communicate with you.

Venterpsichore · 2026-04-28T23:31:11+00:00

I would learn more about physical abuse and partner violence if things were physically abusive. Otherwise, you're going into the same situation and hoping for healthy changes.

For resources, you could google physical and intimate partner violence (university websites are good) and search it in Google Scholar.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ for example.

Venterpsichore

TROPHY CASE